in metaphors

Trying to Do It All

2012-02-09T08:13:00.000-08:00

I feel bone weary sometimes. Well, actually, I feel this a lot. I don't think it's the myriad of things I am doing: although there are a lot of things on my schedule. I don't think it's the busy days, the full days, of socializing, leading, planning, hosting, parenting, home-making and living. I just feel weary internally of all my striving. Why do I try so hard to do it all? See, thing is, I always feel like I'm failing. Like it's never enough. Like I am further and further from my lofty goals. When I sit back and ask myself what I want to be, the list is shocking:

1. a good mom

2. a devoted wife

3. a good leader

4. a growing Christian

5. fashionable

6. have a dynamic career and be moving up 'the ladder'

7. be fit

8. a faithful friend

9. a better evangelist

10. have a clean and beautiful home

11. cook healthy, whole nutritional meals

12. a creative crafter

[there are more]

Seriously? Do I really believe that I can do all of this? NOW? In this season? Who am I kidding? Oh, by the way self- you have a 3 month old and a demanding toddler and you don't sleep super well at night. Oh, by the way self- every time you get in this frantic state of trying to do everything, God sidelines you to teach you that you can't. I've sat on the 'bench' with a knee injury and blood clots, and with debilitating insomnia. Yet I still haven't learned this lesson that it is not required or expected that I be the best at all things.

But here I go again. I see other things women are doing and I feel somehow that their success means I failed. Does that even make sense? Instead of using my gift of encouragement to praise their success, I bash my self internally against the wall saying "try harder! be better! do more!"

It's no secret that I'm a perfectionist. But why? How do you figure out yourself? Do I think everyone is watching me all the time? Does the internet/facebook sense of a false audience make me think that all these little things matter? And even if everyone could see all that I'm doing, isn't it only God's opinion that matters?

I'm feeling very stretched lately in my character. I'm learning about how to be more thankful. I'm learning about my automatic negative thoughts and how I filter everything through this lens of insecurity. How I catastrophize and how things are often black and white for me: things are a disaster or are incredible. I'm also learning that I'm not a superwoman and I need to prioritize the important things and be okay with {this is the hard part} the fact that there will be whole areas of my life that are left untouched, undeveloped, unexplored, for awhile. Or maybe forever.

This is just hard. You'd think that at 27 I'd know myself better: would know specifically what God is calling me to be and do. But no. I chase after everyone else's dreams. I find out someone I know who's an incredible runner, running races and staying fit? Oh, I should do that too! Someone who's an incredible crafter with all kinds of ideas and creative projects? Oh, I should do that too! Someone who ________ fill in the blank, I'll want to do that too. But then I'm doing a bunch of things that I don't even really know if I like but I feel like I need to, to compete (?!), to find worth, to somehow make it.

Ugh. This is an ugly side of me. No one wants a 'perfect' friend. Do I expect this of others? No. Then why do I try. So. Hard. To be perfect? I'm weary. And I want to learn this lesson of contentment, of resting in Christ, without God having to smack me upside the head and make me have to sit down and rest.

So today's goal is to let my messy home go, to spend my mid-afternoon 'sabbath' time with God [resting], to focus on my kids and their needs and to be thankful for the little moments like Silas saying to me "God made the flowers" without prompting. It's okay I haven't showered and probably won't. It's okay that I'm wearing old capris with a worn shirt. It's okay that I probably won't get any exercise. It's okay that I won't climb everest and travel the world and learn a language today. It's. Okay. [Hear that self?]

Sick Babies and Dairy Free Living

2012-02-03T22:07:00.000-08:00

Just got home today from my first 'overnight hospital stay' with a sick baby. Poor Toby gave us quite a scare. He has always been a bit stuffy-nosed (oddly) since birth, and many times people would comment that when he coughed, he sounded croupy. But he was never really 'sick' with these symptoms. If anything, they were irritating for us because 1. he is a noisy sleeper and 2. he doesn't always sleep well because he's so stuffed up and needs to be held upright. Not. Fun.

Well, all of a sudden this stuffiness created a real problem when added to it he became very mucousy causing him to choke, gag, and sputter. AND he developed a very serious sounding croupy cough. All of this together + the middle of the night = a bit of fear and panic on our parts. He was struggling so hard to breathe and would have these huge coughing fits.

Somehow we made it through the night and he seemed to bounce back enough to sleep. But, by morning his symptoms were the same so we did the practical and safe thing and took him to the ER (despite my nurse-sub-conscious screaming "am I being over-cautious? won't they just send us home?") Well, they didn't think so. They took us in and admitted us to the ward to keep a close eye on Toby.

A few masks of nebulized epinephrine, some steroids, and a night and morning later and I was scratching my head wondering why we needed to stay there. All along he looked great (despite sounding like an old smoker with his raspy, throaty voice) and smiled often. He was a happy little sick baby!

All in all, despite that this could have been a scary time we felt very provided for and cared for. The first face we saw in the Pediatric ward was a friend from Church, another friend works in the same hospital and brought me coffee [thanks courtney!] and visited. We also had some family visit and Jason got to do some work from a quiet hospital room for a change! I even got to make some progress reading a book.

{Okay, it wasn't all fun and games. I slept for only 2 hours. But it could have been much worse.}

I was very grateful my Mom was around to watch Silas through all of this and also thankful for family that jumped up and came over to be with us. Sigh. God is good.

At the end of it all, we were wondering why in the world Toby is snuffly to begin with. Is it the shape of his nose? Dr. didn't think so. A floppy upper airway? Not sure. Perhaps reflux- without the spit up? He's on ranitidine now to see. OR the big one, perhaps he's sensitive to dairy. Gulp.

No more dairy for mommy. How am I going to survive? As soon as I came home I looked in my fridge and was astonished at how much dairy I really consume and how little non-dairy options I had available. Sour creams, cream cheese, cheese, yogurt, milk, cream, butter- my fridge is stocked full. Oh man. Already I'm craving sweets and wondering how I'll do this. But then, I don't want to make Toby's breathing more challenging! I'll have to make due. I started looking up recipes online and was a bit discouraged. Swordfish soup? Seriously, that's the best non-dairy dinner out there? Tofu pumpkin pie? Seriously?

Okay, is there anyone who can help me out and point out some good tricks for going dairy-free and maybe give me some good recipes?

Toby, Dear Toby

2012-01-31T17:31:00.000-08:00

3 months old and here's what we know:

he doesn't like to sleep during the day, in fact, we have to carry him for a lot of naps
when he's awake and fed he's sooo smiley and cute
he loves looking at himself and mommy in the mirror
his prime time is 8-10 pm when he loves to talk and coo and imitate our voices
he is not quite ready for the jolly jumper but he's got some pretty strong kicks, he'll be ready in no time!
he can grab things that are dangling in front of him!
he has blue eyes and more fair skin than Silas but otherwise is a spitting image!
he is cuuuuuute and has chubby rolls already
he has two dimples- one on his chin and one on his left cheek when he smiles
he has very expressive eyebrows which he raises at new sounds
he is feisty and happy, a good eater and a good night-time sleeper
he doesn't really like his carseat when he's awake, unless it's bright or a light is on
he's not a big fan of the stroller

mr smiles!

expressive eyebrows [shock!]

kissy face!

trying to take a picture of us proved more difficult than I thought

The Toddler Rollercoaster.

2012-01-29T20:05:00.000-08:00

How can one little child, 25 years my junior, throw me into so much confusion? He wants something, he doesn't want it. Happy and content then crying and frustrated. Screaming in my face then gently hugging me and giving me kisses. This bundle of TWO, namely Silas, is a walking contradiction. He needs me, he doesn't, he wants me to do it, he wants to do it himself. He seems to bounce off the walls and need to get out of the house but if we do too much in a day he's overstimulated, wailing, flailing and 2 feet of reckless emotions careening out of control. I am not so sure I'm enjoying this stage, or that Silas is. I try to focus on him, try to play with him, try to be consistent but this little man of mine is running up to the edge of boundaries we've set and keeps testing and testing. I am so exhausted at the end of the day and mainly it's because all I do is discipline, cajole, encourage, and manipulate [errr motivate] Silas to do all the same things we do. Every. Day. Oh man. I try to be creative and patient and to praise and love on him. But is he getting it? Does he get that I love him or does he think it rides on his performance? Does he get that if he does a. then he gets discipline b? Are we inconsistent? Are we terrible parents? Is he going to be wrecked for life by our terrible parenting?

before you start to think he's the only problem here, confession: I'm not perfect. A better question than the above: How can such a small child reveal so much sin in my own life? Impatience, anger, rage, conditional love. Who knew I was such a menace? I feel like some days I throw just as many tantrums as Silas does...

This stage has me concerned, frustrated, confused and well, not sure about this season. Toddler-hood is a rollercoaster of thrilling highs and frustrating, harrowing lows. Silas can be a chatty bundle of energy who bounces all over the house bringing life, curiosity, interest and excitement to all the dull corners. But, then the toddler ride takes us fast and furiously towards misunderstandings, tantrums and fits at breakneck speeds. How do I transition from being terrified of this rollercoaster ride to actually enjoying the thrill of it all?

Silas hasn't even been two for 2 weeks, how will we make it the next 50?
Tips? Suggestions?

[Lord, help me not to screw him up too bad, or at least only in the fixable ways].

Complaining

2012-01-23T14:22:00.000-08:00

Okay. So I complain. A lot. This is on my new years resolution in 2012 list: I want to learn how to be more content, more joyful, more thankful. To STOP being a negative jerk and start praising God for the abundance in my life. I learned a secret about this yesterday: what if I search for the hidden praise item in the complaint I am forming. [What?!] I'll give you an example:

Complaint: "I hate waking up in the morning. Silas has too much energy, I have to hit the floor running. Ugggggh I need coffee"
Hidden praise item: "If I am 'waking up,' that means I slept. Praise God. If Silas has energy- that means he is healthy, and full of life- not sick, weak, or unable to move. Praise God. If I have feet to hit the floor with, that means I can walk and move and I have breath. Praise God."

Complaint: "I cannot believe I have to take Toby the doctor for his shots today- 45 minutes away. A long drive, a crying baby in a carseat. It's going to be soooooooo awful."
Hidden praise item: "I have a car to get around in. Praise God. I have a doctor to go to when I need one. Praise God. I have the option of getting vaccinations for my son so that he doesn't suffer or die from a horrible childhood disease. Praise God. He cries? That means he has life in him, breath and a voice. Praise God."

Complaint: "My days are so monotonous at home with little ones."
Hidden praise item: "That means it is not a struggle to survive. If it's monotonous that means there isn't war breaking over my head, a question of if I will have enough food or water to survive or to give my children to survive. That means I have enough. PRAISE GOD."

Whiners are lame company. I don't want to be one anymore. So, I'm working on it.

Silas Turns 2

2012-01-17T22:33:00.000-08:00

Okay. I was going for 'less over-kill' of a party than what I had glimpsed on Pinterest. Themes? Goody-bags? Treats? Good heavens, who are these parents that spoil their children?
Oops. I guess I might fall into that category. It's just so fun planning a party for your child. We had some close friends and family join us at a great new play place. And by great, I mean A-MAZING. They had fridges for food, it was new (like 5 days new) so everything was clean and awesome, they provided a room and balloons and helped clean up. They even had ball pits to play in [pre-vomit/pee-infested]. The play area was HUGE and it didn't have holes all over where little tots could fall out-forcing adults to climb up in with their kids. Silas could go through it all on his own. Hardly anyone was there either [except our party] since the weather was insane and it was so new nobody had heard of it.

I made rainbow fruit and veggie trays, ordered some pizza, and Jason helped me make a really fun train cake in the shape of a 2. Silas was enthralled with the play place and loved having all his buddies around him. If only it wasn't so hectic with me prepping, and taking care of Toby- I would have loved to have spent a whole day there [this is in my future].

Highlights:
2 kids having accidents and mommies coming to each others' rescue with extra pants and such
Toby being carted around naked (save the diaper) for the above issue as well
Silas' face while cramming it full of cake
Watching Silas attempt the big slide on his own

'I'm two!'

the '2' shaped train cake

yay for playnation! [it's actually much bigger than this picture shows and has an awesome toddler area, except, Silas went straight to this big play structure and skipped the toddler area]

we had an upstairs room:

mmmm pizza.

rainbow fruit and veggie platters:

good friends Nathan and Aiden:

more cake:

It was all so overwhelming for him he didn't hardly get to his presents. We still have a bike to give him [not that he can ride it anywhere at this time of the year, stupid winter birthdays!]

I totally didn't have the time to take pictures of the whole thing and am kicking myself. I had this big plan to take pictures of Silas individually with all his friends or as a group of kids to have as a momento. Totally. Forgot. [Arg]

We're so thankful to have this little bundle of boy with us. How lucky are we? So glad to have shared this day with people we love and who love Silas.

Oh, and because I always gave my parents a hard time for neglecting to take photos of me, the 2nd child, here's one of Toby:

Thankfully he slept for some of the time and was held the rest of the time [hardly cried at all!]

Jason. Playing with Silas' new train tracks after he went to bed. [What is with boys/men and trains?]

All about Two

2012-01-16T12:57:00.000-08:00

Two boys =

a 2 month old (today) and a 2 year old (tomorrow)

It's becoming a comfortable chaos around here in the world of twos.

Two little boy sets of laundry to do.

Two bums to change.

Two heads to kiss.

Two minutes to myself a day.

Two favourite songs to sing, over and over to Silas [Only a boy named David and the 'pokey-pokey']

Two more batteries to replace.

Too many crumbs to sweep up.

Too much to ever get done.

Two sore shoulders from carrying, rocking, holding, nursing.

Too much energy, too early in the morning.

Two alert and engaging personalities.

Two baby blue eyes full of curiosity and familiarity [Toby].

Two brown eyes staring up at me with humor, affection, and defiance [Silas].

Two baby dimples: on the cheek and chin.

Two parents to tag team, to work together [Praise the Lord]

Two bodies to snuggle with.

Two cups of coffee in the morning.

Two minutes in time out. Again and again.

Two hours between feeds, sometimes 3 or 4.

Two loud cries, often simultaneously.

Two sticky peanut butter hands on walls, on chairs, on floors, on doors.

Too blessed.

Too overwhelmed.

Two minutes until Daddy gets home.

Two days until the weekend.

Two hour toddler nap, if I'm lucky.

Two treasured gifts from God to raise, to love, to learn patience with and grace for.

Too much of me, more of Him.

Two.

Boys.

Cannot believe Silas turns 2 tomorrow and Toby is already 2 months. Time flies when the days are full! {Pictures of Toby and Silas' birthday party up soon}

Bum Wars

2012-01-10T21:20:00.000-08:00

Weird title, weird topic. Yes, I am a 2nd time Mom, is it that obvious? Besides the obvious things I am filling my time with: namely feeding and rocking a newborn and running around the house making a mess with a toddler, I spend much of my day [very glamorous] staring at bums.

Current bum wars:
1. Potty training Silas
I have to say that "when they're ready, they're ready." We had no intention of training Silas with the potty yet because of new baby Toby and a pending trip to Ontario which we are certain will bring set backs. However, Silas speaks in full sentences, notices when he needs to go #2 and since we bought a little potty a few months back, has taken a huge interest in it. So, with the advent of terrible manipulation {chocolate} and a few hints here and there {"your cousins go on the potty...."} Silas has now gone 5 days without me having to change a poopy diaper. This is a HUGE cause for celebration in my books because despite that I am a nurse and have seen my share of poop, this kids poop tops the charts in d-i-s-g-u-s-t-i-n-g. This new trend is also exciting because he goes like 2-3 times a day {grrr} and has so far informed us when he needs to go each time {hurray!}. Potty time is also exciting because it allows me a few moments to myself or to rock or nurse Toby. Silas is all too content just sitting his little self there, reading books, and then jumps up and lets me know when he's done his business with shouts of "POOP ON POTTY, CHOCOLATE NOW!" Save a few incidents where the poop was certainly on instead of in the potty, he has done pretty well and even occasionally goes on the "mommy, daddy potty." He has even started negotiating saying "four chocolates?" ummmm, I have to remind him that one is plenty. We'll see if this trend continues. There are a few times he's even peed on the potty, just peed and jumped up still exclaiming his success in "poop on potty, chocolate!" We have some explaining to do... I am impressed though that this kid might be #2 trained before his 2nd birthday next week!

2. Child number 2. Toby has had this terrible bum rash for a few weeks now and I'm at a loss what to do about it. We use cloth diapers and wipes but over Christmas used cloth diapers and disposable wipes. Soon after he broke out in this terrible red, raised rash- especially on his thighs. So, we switched to all disposable and I took him to the dr. She tested for yeast but it was negative. Meanwhile, I washed ALL of the diapers in a few hot washes with vinegar etc to try and clean them thoroughly in case it was yeast. Well, the rash wasn't getting better. I started using cloth wipes but kept the disposables and it started to clear up so I thought "hey, cloth must be okay!" Then, we re-started the cloth again and it's back and even worse. Any thoughts out there? He was in cloth after the first 2 weeks for about a month, exclusively, without any problems. It's been the same detergent the whole time.... Not sure that my diet has changed all that much but at some points it's seemed almost eczema like?

Any tips on bum rashes? Any tips on how to maintain a toddler's potty-savvy-ness while out and about? {Any moms out there take their potties along in their purses?}

Why New Years Resolution #7 Sucks

2012-01-05T22:37:00.000-08:00

Okay. So I want to learn about fashion and how to dress better for my body shape. Sounds achievable right? Yeah, it did to me too. That's why it became New Years Resolution #7.

Problem 1: Do I buy stuff for how flabby I am now or be hopeful about how 'fit' I will be in the months to come? I only have maternity clothes that are too baggy and pre-maternity clothes that are too tight so I need clothes now but...

Problem 2: I have two small children. Shopping is a no-go. Here's why:

Best case scenario: I am alone and shopping.
Sounds great right? Excellent actually. Except, that means that some unfortunate person [probably Jason] has both kids and meanwhile....I am rushing, running, speeding to try and shop shop shop to find what I want and end up buying things that I have not tried on or haven't had the chance to think about. Therefore I end up with stupid clothes purchases. The whole time I'm shopping, rather than figuring out how to pick good quality fashion choices, I am worrying about child #2 who needs to breastfeed 'anytime now' and as soon as I think about it, I start lactating. This makes trying clothes on even less plausible. So then I have to go out again to return those said items which I could not try on and look hideous in the light of my bedroom. Then I go to return them and I can't find the receipt [as it's been deemed garbage by my toddler] or [just in my absent-minded-new-mommy-ness I have chucked it away somewhere]. Excellent. Extra clothes that don't fit. Perfect. Just what I don't need in my closet.

Worser {is that a word?} case scenario: I am shopping with one.
Sounds also plausible right? Shopping with a baby, coffee in hand, strolling along at the mall- this is the middle class suburban dream right? Well, it's not reality. Baby Toby hates the stroller, doesn't take a soother, ends up crying unless I keep a constant pace of 15 km/hour or more. This makes it impossible to try things on without also simultaneously bashing the buggy against the fitting room door by accident. OR if I put him in my new and wonderful carrier, this also makes it slightly impossible to try clothes on.

Worst case scenario: Shopping for clothes with two.
I don't. It would be dumb.
[Toddler Silas would be running in the opposite direction of me, playing 'peek-boo' in the clothes, while I would be hidden away breastfeeding Toby in the change room].

SO. Where was I? oh yes. This is why my new years resolution sucks.

How do you mommys out there do it? You know who you are. You moms who are super stylish and look great AND have children that are fully clothed, with clean diapers, and fed? Let me know your tricks.

My First Button Letter

2012-01-04T14:41:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to be more creative lately to rejuvenate my spirit and help me through this rough newborn/new-to-having 2 kids season...and so I did a mini pinterest project last night:

Button letters for the boys' room! I did it a bit differently than I saw on Pinterest and hot-glue-gunned buttons to the outer glass on a frame so that I can change the background as often as I want to (it's scrapbook paper as a background). It turned out super well and was super cheap!

$2.50 for a whole big bag of green buttons at the dollar store (amazing deal)
$15 for frame at home sense
I already had the scrapbook paper and the hot glue and voila.
I printed a large size of the letter 's' off the computer to use as a guide

Me working on the glass with a computer printed letter as my guide underneath:

Fini:

Thankfully, Jason was holding Toby while he pretty much cried the whole time I did this project. Only took an hour or so! Sigh. Toby is just not a good sleeper during the daytime- only wants to be held.

I'm gonna try and do a blue letter for Toby's 'T' next!

Pinterest and I

2012-01-01T19:14:00.000-08:00

Since discovering pinterest I've been experimenting with different activities with Silas. Most have been a bust, I'm not gonna lie. But even though some things only capture his interest for 5 minutes, and often require more work and clean up, I am still inspired. I've started to think more creatively about how to 'entertain' (and teach) my son. I've also started to see things differently that I might otherwise throw out. For example: cardboard, empty chocolates boxes, bubble paper, straws...I'm stockpiling these things so that I can create things like this:

[sensory 'table' from an old chocolates box, coloured rice, beads, and mixed beans from the bulk section]

[what it looked like after he was playing for awhile]

or this:

[puff ball monkey hockey....something so simple, yet he LOVES playing with this]

Now I find myself scouring the internet searching for different ways to interact with and engage toddlers. We've tried painting, homemade play dough, paint in the tub, cheerio stacking, etc etc. Silas' favourite so far seems to be what we gave him for Christmas. Drum roll... Coloured popsicle sticks + parmesan cheese container. [So cheap, I know] Yet Hours. Of. Fun. Dumping, re-inserting, shaking, dumping {repeat}.

I think the main reason this has been so thrilling for me is not that I'm now getting 'so much done' with an occupied toddler, but I feel more engaged. I think I was getting bored with the same 'ol ways to play with him. SO if you have any toddler activities- send them my way!!!

Just for kicks, here's cute little Toby, growing like a weed. 6 weeks old, 9 lbs and 15 oz of my cute blue-eyed baby-boy:

one more photo entitled: "he can't make that big of a mess in 30 seconds alone can he?"

2012: the year of achievable new years resolutions?

2011-12-31T15:25:00.000-08:00

Another year. More New Years' Resolutions. I actually had written down goals last year. And the year before. Eeek. But where are they? Tucked in the back of some old journal, scribbled down in a moment, never to be reflected on or reviewed again. Was it that they were not realistic? Not achievable? Not memorable?

Well. Even though this is for sure a new years cliche: "not this year!" This time, the goals are here: in permanent ink, on the computer, the internet no less, to help me be more accountable. [Gulp]. Better make these easy goals!

Here goes:
1. Pray more. Not just in quantity, but in quality. Not because I should or because I have to but because I want to. I want to learn how to pray, how to actually connect with God daily, intimately, in moments of free thought, when I'm washing dishes, when I'm driving in my car. It can't be that spiritual life is seperate from physical life. So how do daily habits of living become spiritual events where I do the things that sustain life for the glory of God instead of for duty? On this topic, I especially want to pray more for my husband and sons.
2. Learn to be content. For me this means a few things that might help towards this aim:

complain less. I am such a whiner. I whine about aches and pains, daily chores, my house disorganization, a broken washer, a sick child, a sleepless night. I complain all. the. time. Not just with my words, but in my mind and heart.
worship more. I figure if I am giving thanks more often for all I have, for who God is, this will help me be more content.
serve others. If I give to those with less, I will be more thankful for what I have. If I help take care of someone else who is sick, I will be more thankful for health. If I serve and give and offer and help- I think it will contribute to my overall sense of contentment.

3. Find a mentor and mentor someone else.
4. Let go of having a perfect home. [What?] I will take the advice of a dear friend and aim to keep one space of the house clean. One. Not the whole thing. One. That way, when I need a reprieve from the disaster, the messes, the chaos, I can have one space to think, rest, journal, pray and well BE, where I am not utterly frustrated at the mess. Thing is: people don't have it all together so why do I pretend to be by making such a fuss about cleaning incessantly.

Okay, how do I make that possible? Maybe have a 1-chore-to-do-per-day and a 1-chore-to-do-per- month? Maybe prioritize it less- below prayer and other above activities? Hmmm, will have to think on this.

5. Get creative. I LOVE being creative. Baking, making, crafting and well exploring the world through creativity. How come I don't do it? Because I'm either a. cleaning or b. dulling my mind with mindless entertainment (such as perusing useless internet information, rechecking my e-mail 16 times a day, or watching stupid shows or movies).

which leads me to:

6. Limit my internet/screen time per day. What am I modeling to Silas if I am constantly on the computer? For me, this means taking and keeping the computer off of my dining table and putting it in our office so that I am not on it constantly throughout the day. I'm not sure if I should limit it per day or per hour or how to keep track. Maybe set a timer? For me it should be maybe 1.5 hours a day maximum. Or less?

7. This one may seem silly but I'm tired of complaining that I don't know anything about fashion or don't know how to do my hair or don't know how to do makeup. I kind of want to learn how to do these things. As a woman, I want to take better care of myself and learn how to wear things that are becoming and feel better about myself in general. Comfort gives way for style every time with me. This doesn't, however, mean that I want to spend more money on all of that, but I want to be wise, to study and learn how to do these things.

8. Shop better. This one I am especially terrible at. Blame it on upbringing or laziness or I dunno, greed... no matter what way you slice it I am not good at being patient when it comes to shopping. I need to be better, for my family's sake, at shopping around for better deals, keeping closer to our budget with grocery shopping, and just living more frugally. How do the dutch do it [?] I know it takes precious time, but maybe if I'm spending less time on the internet I'll have more time to prioritize this.

which leads me to my second to last goal:

9. Give more. I would love to challenge our family in the way of giving. Giving away things we don't need, sharing meals with others, sponsoring another child or two, etc. I want to give until it hurts.

last goal:

10. Get informed [and do something about it]. Jason and I kind of live in a bit of a bubble. We don't read newspapers or read the news online (sorry Cheryl, isn't that terrible?) We don't really know what's going on in the world. The problem with this is that we don't hold ourselves responsible then, to do something in response. This quote just hit me last night :

"Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little."

- Edmund Burke

Ouch. That's me right now. I get so overwhelmed about big issues like sex trafficking, or obstetrical fistulas in ethiopia, or whatever is going on in the news. Because it's so overwhelming, so appalling, I don't read about it, don't get informed about it, forget about it, and walk away.

But what if I didn't do that. What if I did read about it, and heaven-forbid got moved by it, and then actually did something about it. Not anything big, maybe just pray about it consistently. But something is most certainly better than nothing, isn't it?

-Phew-

Big list. Short year. Better get on it. And if, for some reason, I am super-woman and conquer that list [ha ha] and am looking for something else to do, here are some more goals [just for kicks]:

permanently organize my tupperware, join a cycling club, travel to Asia, learn another language, finish my quilt, lead a missions trip, take a counseling course, run a marathon, be a better nurse, learn how to garden, host an international student, eat more organic, record an album, write a book, sell a photo I've taken, help someone find Christ, invite a homeless person to live with us, start a home business...you know, and end hunger and poverty.

Better late than never

2011-12-27T21:15:00.000-08:00

So, this is old news, but I dug up this unfinished post and decided to edit and complete it. I was starting to feel insecure again about the fact that I had to have a c-section and couldn't 'cut it' going au naturel with labor, so decided to review what actually happened and I feel much better: [Aka how did Toby enter the world?]

Baby Tobin Emmanuel Brink arrived at 7:15 on November 16th weighing in at 6 lbs 13 oz. Why did we choose his name? Tobin means "God is Good' (a form of Tobias) and Emmanuel means "God is with us." We really believe that the meanings of names are important and over these last few years especially, we believe and know even more that God certainly IS good, and He certainly is always near to us. Even in difficult times, or when things don't go as we expect God is still good and is our shelter and refuge in the storm.

God's goodness to us and presence for us were also true for us during this particularly challenging labour. For weeks and months we planned and prayed and hoped that I could be able to deliver Toby naturally instead of by C-section. We met with specialists who told me there was no reason I shouldn't be able to deliver naturally, I tried to be conscious of posture, we read books, and practiced relaxation and other birthing tactics. We hoped and expected that this time I didn't have to have such a harrowing birth experience. THIS time, it would be on our terms and we wouldn't feel bullied or pressured to have a C-section. THIS time, we were going to have a better experience.

And, although the outcome was not as we hoped, we are certainly glad we gave this labour our best shot and are thankful nonetheless that Toby was born healthy and whole.

Here's how it went down:

I was having a large number of braxton hicks contractions on the night of the 13th but was able to fall asleep. However, by 4:30 am I couldn't stay in bed anymore because they were too frequent and strong. From 4:30 am onwards, I was having these braxton hicks- type contracts every 10-15 minutes. They continued on for awhile but then would stop for awhile. Frustrating because they would increase especially while lying down so I wasn't really able to rest. I suggested that Jason work from home just in case since these were a bit stronger than braxton hicks and I wasn't sure what was actually going on. By 9 I was exhausted- so took a bit of a rest but again, they just increased in intensity every time I laid down. We went out for a walk in the early afternoon thinking that maybe this would either pick up the pace of things or not which it didn't seem to. They were just as erratic. Once we got home I had some lunch and watched some funny internet clips for awhile and Jason worked while Silas slept. While sitting and watching they got stronger and more frequent. By this point they were every 8 minutes or so apart and continued that way for quite awhile. By the time Silas woke up around 3 we had called the midwife and called my Dad to come get Silas as it seemed that they were getting stronger, were definitely NOT braxton hicks, and more frequent. They were every 6-8 minutes apart and already fairly strong. When the midwife arrived she checked me and said I was maybe 1 cm dilated, but maybe this was not labor so to try and rest and see what happened... We did have my dad take Silas though (and thank the Lord we did!)

Soon after the midwife left the contractions really started to increase in strength and intensity. I ate some dinner and tried to take a bath to calm them down hopefully enough so that I could get some rest (since it was around 8 and looked like it was going to be a long night!) but they didn't seem to calm down at all. Stronger, more frequent, more intense...labour was certainly happening for real. I really tried to stay calm, breathe, relax, and Jason and I did a lot to keep me in that state. We walked around, we tried a variety of different positions, listened to some relaxing music we'd picked ahead of time, read scriptures that are real encouragements to me, prayed, and I mainly just tried to breathe. By the time we called the midwife again at around 11 pm or so I was unfortunately only maybe 2/3 cm dilated. We decided to try and wait another 2 hours or more at home before thinking about going to the hospital.

Strong. Hard. Lots of work. Labour was full bore. By the time we checked me again I was around 5 centimeters and the midwife said everything looked really good. My bag of waters was 'bulging' the head was lower, and I had progressed! SO, even though things were getting very intense and the thought of getting in a car was not a pleasant one, we packed up and headed to the hospital around 2 am. I breathed, I grabbed the uh-oh handle in the car like I had with Silas and somehow made it. We got there, and I was optimistic that a. I wasn't going to use drugs and b. I was going to make it! However, it was H.A.R.D. work to stay calm with the intense, intense and frequent contractions. This time around, like last time, I had quite a bit of back pain. But so far it looked like Toby was in the 'right' position instead of as posterior as Silas so that was encouraging.

I tried a bath in the hospital, different positions, continued to drink lots and stayed as calm as I could. Next time the midwife checked me, another 2 hours later, after about 23 hours of labour at this point, I was less dilated, and the baby was higher up than before. Huge. Downer. At this point, after having strong contractions every 2-3 minutes for the last number of hours, this news took my focus and determination away. I couldn't do this anymore if this is how it was going to be. The midwife was convinced that since I was becoming less dilated, I had to try something else and an epidural was the best option. I couldn't carry on as intense as it was for much longer without it. SO, we called the anesthesiologist, I started to suck back the gas, and waited for him to arrive. He came, did the epidural, and it didn't work! I was still feeling the contractions on one half of my body. It was horrible. SO he had to do a whole other one.

Side note: mid-epidural I had been sucking back the gas so much I got ridiculously woozy, light-headed and so relaxed that I was laughing hysterically. It felt amazing and was a light break to the pain and intensity of the moment.

After I got the second epidural, at this point it was about 2 hours later and I was still not dilating. And, JUST as with Silas, not only was Toby not descending and I was becoming less dilated, but with the epidural on board he started having heart decelerations. This is exactly what happened with Silas. Scary stuff. The midwife got really worried when his heart rate started dipping so much so had to call the OB right away. After hearing about my case: 27 hours of labour, going backwards in dilation (now only 3/4 centimeters), the head going up, Toby exhibiting signs of stress, and now repositioning himself to be upside down like Silas = game over.

C section.

After all my careful planning, reading, practicing, hoping, praying, dreaming, I was at the end of the road again. At this point however I knew two things: 1. I didn't want to have a better 'experience' of labour at the cost of my son's life or health and 2. I knew that I had done everything I could to make it happen how I hoped it would. I ate, I drank, I rested, I stayed calm and focused, I stayed positive, I stayed at home as long as I could, I walked, I stayed upright, I changed positions... I did it all. We didn't need to get induced, I was before my due date which was a great + for having a VBAC, my uterus continued contracting so I didn't need augmentation with drugs which would have caused greater risk for complications with a VBAC and well, I laboured mostly without drugs and the outcome? The same as with Silas. Almost exactly. It wasn't even that Toby was a different size- he was only 1 oz bigger so that wasn't the issue. I kind of resigned myself at that point that apparently, I just can't deliver a baby.

It was still a scary journey to the C-section suite. They were very concerned for Toby, the OB seemed to take forever to come, and the epidural started to wear off making me ultra concerned but Toby was okay and I was okay.

Overall I'm very thankful.

Where I saw God's grace:
1. I had to be in the recovery suite for 2 hours, alone, seperate form Toby and Jason because of hospital policy so I couldn't breastfeed right away
however: I had great nurses and had no issues breastfeeding even though there was a long delay
2. I had to stay in the hospital for 4 days, which we didn't plan
however: friends and family helped watch Silas, visited, brought food, and we felt very supported and blessed
3. I had a hard and long C-section recovery with tons of incision pain and it's still not completely healed
however: Jason had a pre-booked paternity leave which was a God-send, we had such a great time with friends visiting, being showered with gifts and food, prepping for the holidays and just spending time as a family that it hugely made up for the hard recovery
4. Even though the outcome of labour was not as I hoped, Jason was so incredibly supportive, and I am so thankful that I was able to stay calm, focused, and positive. I am generally at peace with the c-section and that, in itself is an answer to prayer.
5. I live in a country where I CAN have a c-section. After watching some horrific documentaries about obstetrical fistulas and women losing babies and developing long-term physical complications after obstructed labours like my own, I am so very thankful that I live where I live and worry/pray for women who live in places where they cannot have c-sections.
6. Toby is turning out to be a tricky baby, fussy, not falling asleep in the day well
however, I am more relaxed [generally] and optimistic this time knowing that this season won't be too hard for too long, and I can't complain because Toby only feeds once between 11pm and 7am due to a wonderfully helpful husband!
7. I am finished with my injections! (Yahoo!!! 250 blood thinner shots later and no blood clots in pregnancy!)

And the biggest, and best, and greatest gift so far is a wonderfully healthy baby boy [thank you Lord] and a bonus gift that I wasn't expecting but am so ever, ever grateful for is that I am sleeping okay and that my thyroid levels so far have remained normal [thank you, thank you Jesus].

God is most certainly good and God was and continues to be with us.

A Month with Baby Toby

2011-12-19T20:15:00.000-08:00

A whole month? Already? Here's the scoop on how this month with baby #2 has been:

Toby's weight: 9 lbs 2 oz (started at 6 lbs 13 oz) way to go!
[Since everyone's gonna ask anyways] Toby's sleeping: he does pretty well at night- with a few 5 or 4 hour stretches between feedings. That means usually 3-4 hours (max) at a time of sleep for us. Not bad!
Toby's health: had a few finger infections courtesy of his terrible mommy. I trimmed his nails and although I thought I was an experienced pro-star nail cutter, I trimmed his finger tips a bit too which turned into nasty infections. A round of antibiotics, 2 trips to the clinic, and some probiotics later and his fingers are all better!
Toby's personality: week 3 Toby had been acting super colicky and fussy, always needing help to get to sleep. Jason and I were thinking "man, this is one tough baby, Silas was so much easier!" (Then we reviewed actual facts and discovered that Silas was the same way. Aka: we forgot how tough these little newborns can be). Needless to say, he loves to be held and rocked, so we do that a lot to get him to sleep, and he spends much time in the swing and in a carrier. We're getting used to this pattern and trying to roll with it...
Differences from Silas: we cannot get this kid to take a soother. Silas was a soother baby from day one in the hospital but so far Toby just gags on it (bummer). Toby doesn't spit up! [What?] Silas was a major horker. I mean, 6 receiving blankets a day kind of spitting up. But Toby? Nada. {Yay Toby! Yay Mommy's clothing!} We think Toby's generally gonna give Silas a run for his money. He's growing faster, is super strong, and rolled over from his tummy to his back the other day {not sure this is normal, but am refraining self from worrying}
Similarities to Silas: fussiness, alertness, size {generally small} and well, he looks IDENTICAL to him. I mean, so much so that Jason and I were wondering if it is scientifically possible to genetically produce identical children at different times [is it?]

Highlights of this month: all the awesome social time we've had and the numerous visitors, outings, and part-ays. We never got out this much with Silas this early! I guess cause Jason's off, because of this time of year, and because Silas just NEEDS to get out, we have been off and running:
Christmas parties (2), date night dinner for Jason's birthday, Christmas shopping, tree-chopping down, a birthday party, visiting great-grandparents, visiting with cousins, visiting Nana and Papa, Captain kids trips, swimming trips...the list goes on.

Lowlights: stupid C-section recovery. My incision is still not healing and I'm not too keen about it. 3 trips to the OB and all he keeps saying is 'here's some more gauze.' Nice. Silas has also been pretty challenging lately too with discipline. Cute. But challenging. Can say his alphabet almost independently. But challenging. Able to repeat anything he hears. But challenging.

My health: besides the aforementioned incision and general C-section pain, my thyroid has so far remained okay. PRAISE the LORD! I'm sleeping as much as anyone can with a newborn {thanks to my incredibly awesome husband who helps in the night} and I feel generally optimistic about the fact of God's healing in my life. What a huge relief!

Goals: Jason goes back to work this week [gulp]. I am a bit nervous about it but here's my plan: stay positive, laugh, lower my expectations, celebrate my accomplishments, make lots of social engagements to keep me from being isolated, and be glad if I get to shower once a week. Achievable? Hope so.

Can't believe it's been a month because it's flown by but there's been a lot of activity and change. Overall, even though some days I wonder how we will ever do this again [if that's God's will] I feel like since this is our second I can tell myself that 'it will only get better,' 'this is just a season' and 'one day I'll feel like this is manageable' again. Yay for second-time-a-round confidence!

Sneak peak at some photos we had taken by our dear friends the Macphails:

p.s. look at how similar these brothers look!

{Silas is above, Toby is below...or is that right?}

One more highlight. Seems silly but I discovered Pinterest and this has made me super happy because it's given me lots of ideas for activities to do with Silas. I am more and more excited about teaching him things at home and not just trying to work around Silas, or finding toys for him to play with, but instead being more intentional about planning fun and educational activities for him. Check out a few things I've tried:

stacking cheerios on playdough

pipe cleaners + colander. Didn't last long. Silas just dumped out all the pipe cleaners.

'sensory' bucket of puffed rice. He LOVED dumping, measuring and dumping some more

Lunch in an ice cube tray. Note to self: do things he likes AFTER he eats things he doesn't like as much

Favorite: homemade finger paints in the tub. SO fun.

Love it!

Raising Men

2011-12-04T13:53:00.000-08:00

It hit me today in Church and I was almost crying, the whole service. There were two young adult men a few rows up, with their backs to us. Broad shouldered brothers side by side, taking communion together, worshiping together, praying together. Every time I looked over at them I practically started bawling. Why?

It hit me. I'm not merely providing nourishment for little babies and toddlers. I'm not simply raising little boys. I'm raising men. I mean, like, these two little bodies will become grown men one day. Wow. That's an incredible responsibility. I don't want to just survive this thing called parenthood (as per previous post) but I want to excel. Therefore: I need to pray. A LOT. And certainly a lot more than I have been. Because this world needs more godly men in it. It needs more men who:

[and this is my prayer for my two little boys. That they will...]:

Know God personally and love God unashamedly, boldly, and honestly

Be honorable, faithful, and courageous.

Be defenders of the defenseless, preachers of the truth, and will love others as they have been loved by their heavenly Father.

Be humble, and recognize their need for God's grace through Christ.

Be servant-hearted and compassionate.

Stand firm on the truth of God's Word, and fight against injustice.

Be valiant, righteous, and strong.

Be worshipers like David, leaders like Moses, and prayer warriors like Jesus himself.

Maybe it's too much to hope for but I certainly don't think it's too much to pray for. This world needs men who will be godly and strong and I pray that my boys, my little men-in-the-making will be such as that.

[Tear]. Help me Lord to pray faithfully for these little lives and to model a real and authentic walk with you. Not to model perfect religiosity or 'pretend' righteousness, but to model a real relationship with Christ. In humility, to love Christ and love others.

The Good, the Bad, the Ugly [aka Parenting]

2011-12-03T21:21:00.000-08:00

Parenthood. Sigh. So much to learn. So many years yet to input. I look at people with many children and I shake my head going 'how do they do it?' I'm not sure yet how many children God will bless us with but this I know: it's a lot of work raising kids! Case in point:

the bad parts [of parenthood]
-when your child learns to say no and says it with every question you ask.
-when your child is getting too heavy and too big to effectively pin them to the floor to change their bum
-when your child refuses to eat and there's nothing you can do about it
-when your child picks a 'catch phrase' and repeats it. ALL. DAY.
-when your child learns the word 'cookie' and 'video' and somehow doesn't forget these wonderful experiences and begs, pleads, and begs some more for these things
-when your child has a fit. Every. 10. Minutes. And each time it's something different, and each time it's something that's seemingly inconsequential or that you cannot control "the lights are off......." [fit ensues] because the neighbor turned their Christmas lights off. [Sorry?]
-when your child smiles when in time-out or seems to laugh off your discipline. arg.

the good parts [of parenthood]
-when your child comes running to give you a kiss and hug for bed or when they haven't seen you
-when your child randomly says words that you don't think you taught them and they just learned
-watching your child do a puzzle you didn't know they could do, or get excited about building a tower on their own
-when your child prays or sings a song about the goodness of God, without prompting
-when your child reminds you to pray before a meal
-when your child's eyes sparkle when they see christmas lights or a snowman, or something else new
-when your child laughs, hard, at something that you did

the ugly [of parenthood]
-trying to coordinate two children's needs of feeding, diapering etc, while at the mall or stuck in the car
-strapping children into carseats that they hate, then listening to them scream and not being able to do anything about it [I know, safety, yadda yadda, it still stinks]
-learning about yourself that you, as a parent, aren't patient, are not always loving, are innately selfish, and that you look forward to your children sleeping sometimes for peace and quiet.
-also learning about yourself that you forget to be intentional and that the teachable moments are fleeting and momentary and can so easily be missed. Lord help us!

Other recent parenthood thoughts:
1. My toddler is a giant. I cannot get over how BIG he is compared to his new little brother. How DID he get that big???
2. How/when did my toddler get to be so smart?
3. or independent? He refuses to hold my hand at the mall, or wants to wash his face himself....what?? When did he get so old?
4. Time passes so slowly [at night, when you're awake for the 4th time to breastfeed] but SO fast [when you think that your first child is almost 2 years old].
5. What. Did. I. Do. With. All. My. 'FREE.' TIME [before having children? clearly. I wasted it].
6. How does a small, itty bitty newborn poop so much?
7. I cannot believe I actually forgot about how physically demanding and difficult it is to have a newborn. So tiring. [God's way of ensuring you have more than one child...]
7. What am I going to do when Jason goes back to work? No seriously. What AM I going to do? So far he gets the toddler and I get the newborn. Done. But what happens when I am in charge of BOTH [at the same time]. Eek.

Predictable and Not

2011-11-28T20:29:00.000-08:00

2 kids. Phew. 12 days. Phew. The hardest part is over right? (Kidding). It's been an interesting transition so far to parenting 2 children. I can see what people mean when they say that transitioning from 1 to 2 isn't as bad as 2 to 3. Why? Because right now, it's man-on-man. Course, Jason and I haven't so much as exchanged a full sentence since Toby arrived, but at least he can be taking care of Silas and I can be taking care of Toby and we're covered. That also means that the house goes largely neglected... What I think will be a much larger transition will be when Jason goes back to work. Then what? Game over. I'm in for it! Silas is a constant blur of activity and Toby looks like he will be just as spirited. Oh boy(s). Here's a bit of a recap over these last 12 or so days in terms of what is not so different, or predictable, and what has been unexpected.

Predictable: Toby feeds every 2-3 hours and gets up every 2-3 hours in the night too. Not surprised. Been here before, know that it will get better.
Unpredictable: However, despite our first impression that he was a 'sleepy' baby, he doesn't settle without being rocked or held or stuck onto one of us. Yikes.

Predictable: That Silas would have a hard time with having a sibling and not be himself. We expected that.
Unpredictable: Just how much Silas has been acting out lately. He is testing us left, right and center. Every time we have to change his diaper or put on a jacket or anything of the sort- he has a fit. Sigh. He is in full on toddler-hood. [See this hilarious post on another blogger's site, this is exactly what Silas has been like lately: Sunscreen or this one: yogurt].

Predictable: We knew that we'd have a harder time getting out than before
Unpredictable: But, it takes us so much longer than we thought it would! Are we all dressed in clean clothes? Have the kiddo's diapers been changed? Has Toby been fed? Do we have extras of everything? Has Silas eaten? Do we have snacks? [30 min later] Silas pooped again, Toby is awake now, do we have _______. Gah.

Predictable: That we would be up lots in the night with Toby.
Unpredictable: That we would be up in the night with Silas and that he would change his rising time from 8 am until 6 am. Not. A. Good. Time. For. This. Please oh please don't tell me he's ready for getting rid of his nap (?) Heaven forbid!

Unpredictable: How much Silas is interested in Toby! I had thought Silas would largely ignore Toby but he always asks about him when he first wakes up, wants to 'see' what Toby is doing, and is constantly in his face touching or kissing him! [And poking his eyes, pulling his arms and pretending to hit him. We're working on that whole 'gentle' concept].

Unpredictable: How much pain I'd have postpartum. Arg. So much to get done and so little energy/ability to do it all! Stupid C-section.

That's enough for now. It's been an interesting time over these last 12 days getting used to another member of the family. We love this special time we get to share together. I LOVE having Jason around to help out and spend so much time with Silas. Silas is changing all the time and has us laughing by his antics and we are often amazed at all the vocabulary he is picking up. He's a sharp little man! One of these days I have to blog some of the funny things he's been saying. I look forward to seeing Silas experience Christmas this year and seeing Toby and Silas play together (one day). For now though, back to basics: one day at a time! Sleep, eat, breastfeed, repeat. Back to the grind =)

Thankful

2011-11-23T14:18:00.000-08:00

Today I attempted to take both children out with me, by myself. Okay, I'm taking too much credit. I simply went to our Church's weekly women's event and Jason drove me there, unloaded the kiddies, and helped me get them ready (so I'm not a superhero or anything). But just as Jason left- Silas had a big fit, throwing himself on the floor. He wanted to go see the Christmas lights and didn't want to go hang out in the nursery even though he loves it. I had to discipline, and pull, and encourage, and cajole this little boy to walk to the nursery (as I cannot lift him for another couple of weeks because of my incision). We got there and he had another huge fit at the thought of leaving me. Poor fella. There's been so much change for him recently! But he went eventually to his favourite nursery worker Kelly and off I went with Toby to enjoy some community, coffee, and well, to show off my new little boy.

All in all it went well! Toby slept the whole time, I never got paged to rescue Silas, and somehow I made it through the whole event without needing to feed Toby or my chest exploding (not sure how). But by the end of the 2 hours I was ready to go home as my incisional pain increased. I felt really blessed by the encouraging words of the women there, and their oohing and aahhing at my little boy. Came home, and had two visitors- both bearing incredible meals and who both spent some time chit-chatting. It felt great seeing friends and family and even being dressed and 'up' enough to greet and host them. All this to say, I feel so incredibly blessed! Our community has come around us and supported us in the last week of change and I feel so inspired and encouraged. I want to be that type of person that blesses others in this way! How amazing it feels to be part of a Church and family that take care of us and help nourish us with prayers, words, and FOOD. Sigh. Thank you Jesus!

I forgot...

2011-11-21T12:23:00.000-08:00

So labour is done (PTL), we're home (phew) and we are right in IT. Life with a newborn that is. We are knee deep in breastfeeding (more accurately- I am), and are spending our days in pajamas trying to discipline a toddler, soothe a newborn and not go stir crazy in the process. Funny how you forget this newborn phase. Actually, maybe that's how God ensures we have more children- if we didn't forget we wouldn't do this again. But here we are! Course, it's not all reward-less and awful. There are perks too- which I also forgot.

Case in point:
I Forgot: just how dreadful labour is. Eeeeek. Hard. Ugh. (story to come)
But I Also Forgot: the incredible relief, the joy, the emotional high of meeting your little healthy baby finally.

I Forgot: how awful and painful recovery after C-section is (but then, I was hoping for a VBAC and hadn't planned on another C-section so got to have 27 hours of labour AND a C-section...more on that later)
But I Forgot: how amazing it is to hold and cuddle a newborn which makes the pain more bearable.

I Forgot: how exhausting feeding a newborn is. GAH. That part of my body has not been used like that for 2 years and is seriously out of shape. In fact, it's like they've been run over by a tractor or been through war, or ...you get the point. OWWWIE.
But I Forgot: how lovely it is to see a little babe staring up at you and trusting you to meet his needs.

I Forgot: about nights. Oh the nights. They are looong, repetitive, blurry, and ugh. Every three hours we do the same thing. Over and over and over again.
But I Forgot: just how wonderful my husband is (if that's even possible to forget). He helps me in the nights, makes sure I get the rest I need, and I don't know how I'd do it without him.

I Forgot: that I'd spend my days and nights with reckless hair, in pajamas, stuck in the house, looking and feeling icky (visitors welcome but beware)
But I didn't forget: things will get better. One day at a time.

This is a different time for us this go-around because of Silas. He is a new added person to this mix. He makes sure that we don't stay in the house too long (or else he goes crazy) and keeps us entertained during the long hours of the day. He also makes sure we keep our wits about us as we have to, at a moments notice, make sure he is not hitting baby, pulling his arm, poking his eye, or kissing him too aggressively. Parenthood is upon us!

Thanks for everyone's support out there! I'm determined to remain positive and optimistic that as we go along, it will get easier and better! We have much to be thankful for: healthy boy #2, and he's actually so far a pretty good baby. Even went 5 hours between feeds at night last night letting us sleep longer! One thing that remains a mystery is: will my thyroid want to jump up and down and demand attention soon, or will it remain dormant. Please pray for the latter!

The Latest

2011-11-12T21:08:00.000-08:00

out walking (what a cutie!)

Silas has the best dad in the world!

figuring out how to get the goods

"choc-o-ate"

out walking on the MR dikes with Oma and Opa (Silas stealing Daddy's hat!)

love the dikes

Hiking at Minnekhada- taking a banana break

Beautiful day for Minnekada

pre-bathroom reno (had already removed the old, old rusted sink and cabinet)

reno break....in a box (don't ask me how Jason squeezed in there!)

almost completed project- just have to paint over little holes in the wall (our first attempt at placing the TP roll), and maybe change the rug and add a little stand (?)

How to stay busy when 9 months pregnant

2011-11-11T10:00:00.000-08:00

Step 1: Decide that you just HAVE to finish basting your quilt before the baby arrives. Which, by the way, entails being on your knees on a hardwood floor, crouched and crunched while contracting with braxton hicks. It means holes in your fingertips and a sore back from leaning over for a few hours on end. And in my case, since I'm not good at researching FIRST and then beginning a project, after basting the whole quilt with my gracious mother-in-law's help, we found out that we needed to take it all out, wash the back and front, fix some holes in the quilt, re-iron, and re-do the entire quilt's basting. Ugh.

Step 2: Convince your husband that he absolutely MUST begin (and finish) renovating the bathroom. So far that has meant:

removing previous vanity
repainting walls
painting trim around mirrors a different colour
cutting numerous holes in the new vanity to fit plumbing
reworking the plumbing
removing some baseboard pieces and putting in new ones (oh yeah, and painting them)
and hopefully putting up some fun decals on the wall

What this actually means is that hubby is very occupied (thanks dear!) and Silas must be watched by mommy (while at the same time basting a quilt that a busy toddler is not allowed to walk on- ha!) Thanks to Oma and Opa this is possible!

Step 3: Get sick
That will help keep you busy! Somehow I've acquire a burning sore throat that has me a little terrified. Oh boy. Lord- heal me before I go into labour (wouldn't that totally suck to be sick and in labour?!!!)

Step 4: Convince yourself you must finish Christmas letters before the baby arrives
That means, for me, 160 hand-written notes. Why? I dunno. But on principle, I want to continue the tradition I've had for over 12 years. Really, we should have planned a baby for a different time of year for a change!

Step 5: Also try to complete every odd, half-finished project in the house that has been on the list forever. Enter grandparents. Thankfully Jason's mom and dad have been in town and have been a huge help toward this end. Our side tables in our bedroom are painted after they have sat there unpainted for half a year, a curtain rod and curtains are now hung in our office, covering over a closet-door-less closet stuffed with boxes and books. It feels good. But busy.

Step 6: Write a blog post about it.

All this to say that I am eager for baby's arrival but feel the 'pressure' to get 'er all done before he/she arrives. I guess I will surface again at some point after the baby's born but I still feel like somehow I should do all of this before I am a mother of 2 and not 1!

Full Term: Countdown Continues!

2011-11-03T14:49:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe that this baby could come any day now. Part of me feels like I am just so ready to be done pregnancy so 'bring it on' but the other part of me, probably the bigger part of me, is very anxious about this go-around. Will this labor experience be everything I'm hoping that the last one was not? Will I have thyroid issues again? How will Silas do with a new little warm body around the house all the time?

I also cannot believe that we will no longer be a family of 3- but 4! That means two carseats, a double stroller, two little mouths to feed, 2 bums to clean, are we ready? Like last time, is there anything that could possibly make you ready for a change like this?

I feel very unsettled as the day approaches. I have work shifts yet to complete and furniture yet to buy, cupboards to organize, and Christmas to plan (yeah right). I guess in some ways that's better than 'sitting around' on my thumbs waiting for the baby to come. How to spend these last days?

Lord prepare me in the ways I cannot, give me peace to cover my anxieties over things I cannot control anyways, and fill me with all I will need to be a mom all over again!

Young: a 'poem'

2011-10-22T21:06:00.000-07:00

I'm certainly not a poet. Nor do I have all the answers. But I had another one of 'those days' as a bedside nurse that has to be written about in some way. The things we witness, well, let's just say, help to put things in perspective. So here it is, a wordy,muddled mix of my thoughts on the meaning of life (or something like that):

Young

She was too young

And another life slips through my fingers

I am but a bystander

Helpless as the rest

Wordless, for what can abate this climax of suffering?

This corner of humanity

Face to face with our enemy:

Death

Awaiting in the shadows

Snatching, stealing, devouring

tearing down what took a lifetime to build

Accompanied by pain, an ocean of sorrow

Tears

Who can watch and not cringe?

Who can stare at this hollow shell and not long to look away?

Soon her days will be forgotten, dust in the wind

Her pronouncement echoes against the walls

Is it for me too?

For us all?

How can this be?

Oh Hope

We need you

Here

Young

He is so young

This life in my arms

I am his mother

Wordless, for what can describe this rosy cheeked and bright eyed wonder?

Home

Face to face with love and

Life

Like dawn triumphing over the darkest night

Sweeping over, around, and through every misery

My moments of earlier despair- forgotten, vague

Now I am accompanied by laughter, joy and a heart that is filled to overflowing

Who can watch him, this little boy, and not marvel?

Who can stare at his sweet self and not long to leap and smile?

His days before him, a future

A whole life

O Hope,

You are here.

Death where is your victory?

Death where is your sting?

[And that, is the gospel, the message of Christianity]:

Suffering it shall cease, sorrow it shall end

Triumphed over by life everlasting

Which is ours alone in the One

The One who died so we can live

The One who triumphed over sin and death with His very life

And He won

His name is Hope

His name is Jesus

The light of His love has engulfed death and despair, once and

for all

He is waiting

Who will choose Him?

O why,

Would anyone choose death instead of life?

Sorrow instead of hope?

Darkness instead of the light of dawn?

Renos

2011-10-19T13:24:00.000-07:00

Sigh. Renovations. Before starting out on some home renovations I was excited, thrilled, curious, etc. Now? I realize why people say renovations and then groan afterwards. They take longer than you think, they cost more than you budgeted, and there are inevitable snags along the way. Take for example, our office/guest room. It was one of the few rooms in our townhouse that we didn't paint when we first moved in. It had two colours (why?) and random pieces of wood attached to walls, holes, dents etc. We decided to repaint a lighter colour and get a bit more organized. "More organized" meant a trip to Ikea where we purchased their lovely floating shelves.

Note to self: never. buy. them. again.

I have a love/hate relationship with Ikea. Often things look so functional but they take more work to install than they can be worth sometimes. SO we painted the room, it was all coming together, ALL we had yet to do was put items on this newly screwed in shelf. On went the files and off went the shelf. The whole thing literally ripped out of the wall and just about smoked me in the head. It has now taken 4 + weeks to fix the wall. The holes were huge and Jason had to:

cut out the drywall,

put in 2X4 in between the studs,

buy new drywall anchors,

put a new piece of drywall on,

putty it,

tape it,

re-paint it,

and THEN put up the shelf for attempt #2.

These ikea shelves are stupid because 1. their screw placements don't match typical stud spots in a wall and 2. they hold very little weight. GRRR. So much for organizing the office better since these shelves can't hold much weight, tell me, WHAT in an office doesn't weigh much?

Finally my office/guest space has come together although there are a few things I'd still like to do: I'd love to figure out a curtain to go over our closet-door-less closet and perhaps find a nice area rug? We also have to fix our heavy bookshelf to the wall so that if Silas climbs it, he doesn't pull it on himself. Sigh. Renos are NEVER done. There's always more you want to do!

our office when we bought our place 2 years ago. ugh. we liked the built in desk though

prepping for paint

see how dark it was?

new paint, new shelves. I was aiming for olive green- but the walls turned out mintier than I hoped for. Oh well, it sure brightens it up though!

new frames from thrift store (finally framed our university certificates!), re-covered cushions and garage sale finds, newly covered bulletin boards on the wall

kinda dark- but this is my 'craft' center. I found jars on the side of the road which became my craft storage

help! What colour of cloth should I use for the closet cutrain??

Our kitchen is a similar story. We started with tiling the backsplash which was a very involved process. We had to rip off the oak board that was there, prep the wall, put the tile up, put in the grout, clean it off, and then apply the silicone. Phew. We also changed out our sink faucet (cause it was terrible) and because there's always more you could to to make it nicer, we changed out our hood fan to be stainless steel to match the rest of our appliances. NOW I'd love to make it more functional- you know, organize my endlessly chaotic tupperware cupboard etc. There's lots we could do to make it our dream kitchen like change countertops and cabinets- BUT lets be honest, we won't fit in this townhouse much longer so we just want to make it nice enough to re-sell in a year or so.

Our kitchen when we bought 2 years ago. Notice the green, the mis-matched white hood fan...the oak 'backsplash' or whatever that is

prior to demolition (we had painted the walls chocolate brown)

taking apart the old 'backsplash'

we had to apply an enhancer to the tiles. The one on the left is how it looks with the enhancer and on the wall

prior to silicone

completed! New hood fan, tiles up, etc Cause I'm anal- need a new stainless steel coffee maker- the one I have is white and well, it's older than me =)

new sink faucet

chalkboard paint =) (ignore stuff on top of my fridge, gotta figure out where to put the clutter)

What's on our to-do list next? Bathroom vanities- which will mean re-flooring, re-painting, the whole show... making nice curtains, changing out light fixtures for nicer ones, and you know, having a baby sometime in there. =) Nothing like nesting to speed up home projects!

Pumpkin Patch Time!

2011-10-18T20:29:00.000-07:00

Another fall. Another trip to the pumpkin patch. A recap in pictures:

"heavy" he was saying

we could have left after seeing this house- he loved it!

"tractor, tractor, tractor!!!"

35 weeks

favourite task: trying to clean off all the dirty pumpkins (hmmm, he may be a bit of a clean-freak)

still cleaning (so many more to go!) Not quite what I thought he'd get out of the experience, but glad he had a good time!

so cute!

the usual- me trying to direct him somewhere other than where he is going...

attempt #562 to get a family photo. Oh well, it's the best we could do!

another tractor/wagon ride

tired out =)

Our Anniversary Trip

2011-10-11T14:15:00.000-07:00

Jason and I finally got a chance to get away, 'just the two of us' since Silas was born. We headed to Victoria for the weekend while Papa and Nana took care of Silas. Hard to believe it's been almost 2 years since we've had the chance to get away and be alone together. It was a wonderful time and a bit difficult too as you will see below:

Highlights:
-we went out for a lovely dessert our first night and took our time enjoying every last bite of the dessert. So much more relaxing than with Silas with us at a restaurant!
-had a lovely brunch at a place called the Village. Mmm. Healthy, hearty, amazing.
-walked around the city at night and shopped during the day! Couldn't help but look for clothing for Silas...
-had a great time at a wedding of friends of ours- was a beautiful ceremony and a super fun reception. Ate. A. Lot. Stayed up late, danced (although not too hard, I was afraid my water would break or something)
-had another wonderful brunch- this time with friends of ours Justin and Julie at a place called Mo:Le.
-walked around an historic site: Fort Rodd Hill and hung out with friends outside in the beautiful fall weather. Sunny, cool air. Love the fall when it's like this!
-reading for hours with Jason on the ferry and before bed. Was nice to just unwind that way.
-spending time strolling, chatting, holding hands, reconnecting, and relaxing together. It had been way too long! Was a wonderful way to spend our 6th wedding anniversary!
-seeing Silas' smiling face as he ran to greet us after the weekend was over!

Lowlights:
-the first night my thyroid decided to make a wonderful reappearance...I didn't have any sleeping pills left and ended up being awake the WHOLE NIGHT. It was frustrating, disappointing, and a little bit emotional. I was not ready to be facing this giant again. Thankful to have Jason's constant support through it but I was very bummed this had to happen on our first time away together.
-that meant, I was super tired all saturday and even more so on Sunday when I didn't quite get the catch up sleep I'd hoped for.
-which meant, I had to go to a clinic on saturday and waste some of our time 'away' trying to get more sleeping pills. Thankfullly the wait was super short and I had no problems getting a prescription!
-the weekend was too short!!!

Here are some pictures from the weekend:

on the ferry

At Fort Rodd Hill, 34 weeks!

Mandatory belly shots

At the wedding ceremony

In the 'Fantan alley' (the narrowest road in North America?)

At Fort Rodd Hill (sporting my new scarf)

More belly shots

34 Weeks and Dying to Know...

2011-10-06T02:18:00.000-07:00

IS IT A BOY OR GIRL?

I'm not sure why exactly Jason and I decided not to find out the baby's gender this time around. We're not really known for quick and decisive decision making, but for some reason we were almost instantly in agreement over keeping it a surprise. I do, however, often question this decision. It would kind of be nice to prepare. It would kind of be nice to only have to choose one set of names. And, I am the most impatient person when it comes to surprises and am just DYING to find out who this little one is who crowds my bladder and pokes me awake at 3:30 in the morning.

Everyone asks me if I have a 'feeling' either way...what does that mean? I have no idea. Is this pregnancy different? Sure! ( I'm ready to be done this pregnancy waaaay sooner than last time). Am I carrying the same? (Of course, if you mean, I again feel like a truck). Strange, this question of 'how do I feel.' Do people often get premonitions of what gender a baby is? Hmmmm. I'm afraid to even guess because I was wrong last time (sorry Silas, but the first outfit I bought you was a dress!)

Silas often says his sibling's a girl and most passersby or strangers in elevators seem convinced I'm carrying a girl. But then there's my dad- who is convinced I will never have a girl. I guess I, too, always pictured myself with boys but I can't help but want to purchase all of the cute accessories that people adorn their little girls with these days. But the fact that I find these things cute, is this enough to determine the baby must be a girl?

Part of me is not sure what is more intimidating. Having a little girl would just be so foreign to my current reality, but then having another boy sounds so exhausting! Silas is busy, busy, busy these days climbing everything, throwing himself off raised surfaces, trying to wrestle with me and tossing balls all over the house...multiplied by 2 that sounds a little scary.

I do however think it's really incredible, this not knowing, just because it will be such a fun surprise. My midwife says they won't even announce the gender when the baby's born but will put a blanket over the telling parts and let Jason and I pull back the blanket back and 'reveal' this babe's gender. How fun is that? I think it's also fun that no one else knows! We get to make the phone call and say, "Guess what, it's a......." eeeee. I'm excited.

Can't wait to meet you, little one, I'm so excited to hold you in my arms and kiss your darling face! p.s. can you please stop kicking my ribs in the middle of the night? It actually really, really hurts. Thanks.

Reasons Why I LOVE Fall

2011-09-24T13:48:00.000-07:00

1. The food: pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin pancakes, pumpkin chocolate chip squares
2. Walks in the cool, crisp outdoors with crunchy leaves underfoot and lingering fog.

at the zoo. Silas seeing a moose up close:

3. Fun fall activities like the Fort Langley Cranberry festival, the pumpkin patch (with Silas this year it will be even MORE fun) and the pitt meadows corn maze:

Can't believe this is how little Silas was last year! Can't wait to take him back to the patch this year:

4. Decorating the house with things like this:

and this:

and this current table decor (although it is always changing):

candle stands: from our fall wedding 6 years ago, branch pumpkin: from superstore, pine cones: Silas picked them up outside, cloth: extra from bridesmaid dresses, potpourri: from ikea for our wedding!

5. Rainy days to work on home renovations:

Kitchen backsplash (more photos to follow)

handmade quilt made from Ghanian fabrics: (still not finished, but getting there!):

Office painting and renos (not done yet, but here's a sneak peak): before

after:

6. And this fall, can't wait until our 6th wedding anniversary. Jason and I get to take a weekend and go to Victoria on Vancouver Island while the grandparents look after Silas. Woohoo!

Loving the fall.

Round and Round

2011-09-20T15:47:00.000-07:00

Thoughts are whirring, days are passing, time is ticking. Lots on my mind these days. I had a very honest and wonderful discussion with my hairdresser the other day and kind of got a kick in the pants about a few things. After that discussion with her as well as an honest confessional time at my women's minstry team meeting I've come to a couple conclusions:

I'm going to stop trying to be perfect. I know, I know, it appears that I have it all together. Truth is, I'm very good at pretending. I try to be the best at everything I do but basically that means I'm a perfectionist and I don't know how to rest. It dawned on me: NO ONE likes to be around someone who is perfect. It makes you want to pretend too. It makes you have to compete with them. It makes you inauthentic, unapproachable, and well, a bit of a snob. That's how I've been. I don't like being around women like that, so WHY, oh WHY am I trying to achieve perfection or at least the appearance of it?

Does it matter if my hand towels match? Will the sun fall out of the sky if my floors are rarely clean? Does every meal have to rival Martha Stewart? Will I somehow lose 'points' in this grand competition if my garden isn't as beautiful as I'd like it or heaven forbid, my child isn't always well behaved?

Nope. I need to get over this dream of being and doing 'it all' and start being comfortable with my imperfections. Maybe being the frazzled, harried, work in progress that I am will make others feel more at ease in their loose ends too.

In keeping with the subject of my post (authenticity) I'm choosing to bare all and show a few lousy pictures of myself. I'm a genuine perfectionist even when it comes to photos of myself. For example, taking pregnancy pictures is quite the fan-fare and I give Jason a hard time all the time for taking such unflattering photos of me. I have to stage it just right and pose at the perfect angle and we take like 20 shots to get a good one (no joke). BUT truth is, I am not that photogenic (see exhibit a and b). I'd encourage you in the spirit of authenticity to post a bad picture of yourself too! (It's very freeing, or humiliating, but we'll go with freeing):

I am walking across the room, but it indeed looks like I can't walk properly or am squatting mid-step. Ugh.

talk about bad angle- you can see up my nostrils, see my extra neck fat, and it looks like I'm bald. NICE!

Second realization? Ecclesiastes does not say "There is a time for everything" meaning NOW is the time to do EVERYTHING. In fact, it means that maybe, just maybe, some of the things I love to do, have always wanted to do, and were on my schedule for this fall, should maybe wait until another season. For example? Leading and hostessing a small group. J and I have wanted to do this for awhile and were eager, downright jumping at the bit to lead one. But then it dawned on us: Now is really not the time. We have a baby coming in a few months, we have a very demanding and difficult toddler, we have family visiting, courses to finish, other ministry commitments, work and the list goes on...

When, oh when did we think we could fit that in? We want to be excellent leaders, connected to our life group members and to take the time and energy to really be a blessing to others. But it's just too busy right now.

Hard to admit we're not super-heroes but the truth is, we hardly had time to talk to each other over the past few weeks let alone really connect as a married couple.

Sigh. My quilt will continue to hang, unfinished, by my sewing machine and our office is still not finished being renovated due to a shelf-installation crisis (more details to come) but I feel less overwhelmed knowing that having projects not yet finished is not so bad after all.

Pregnant-er

2011-09-18T23:10:00.000-07:00

31 weeks. Phew.

Let Them Eat Cake

2011-09-17T21:33:00.000-07:00

Epic birthday cake for my sister (in law) Karen's big 1-8 made by yours truly and Cheryl-the-great. Details to come... (p.s. thanks to Elise for the idea and to this cake and this recipe for the inspiration. Oh, and to Wilton, for their perfect buttercream frosting.

We made the cake for 4 people. Ummm. Now what to do with the remaining 15 lbs of cake (?)

Nesting

2011-09-11T01:09:00.000-07:00

I had a work shift the other day and it felt like I had braxton hicks contractions ALL. DAY. I was very close to calling the midwife as they were frequent, uncomfortable, and well- concerning. However, once I got home and finally put my feet up they subsided.

Phew. How can I feel this huge, this uncomfortable, and this PREGNANT so soon? I still have 2 months to go (?)

Let's just say that this put my nesting into hyper-gear. Not that I have the time or energy to nest but all of a sudden the million things that need to be done around the house are blatantly obvious to me now and I feel this urgency to get them all done. Now. Or in 5 minutes. Finish tiling the kitchen, paint the office, put new vanities in the bathrooms, re-organize the tupperware drawer, or well, every drawer for that matter, get Silas to sleep in a toddler bed, the list goes on...and on...And the biggest problem is that one item on that list leads to a thousand others. It goes something like this:

"I need to make room for baby's clothes in Silas' room, but that means taking all the boxes that are currently in the closet out, reorganizing them and distributing them into other closets and the garage...but then that means I need to make more room in the garage..etc"

"We need to paint the office, but that means we'd have to also re-do the shelves, and we really need better lighting in there anyways, but I'd have to reorganize everything, and maybe make some pillow covers for on top of the guest bed and I'd have to pick out fabric that would match the wall...etc"

All of a sudden I'm near panicking. Jason is roped into trying to re-sort massive amounts of baby clothes and toys and make Silas' room accomodate two children instead of one. Meanwhile, I'm madly running around trying to clean under bathroom sinks and sort through cloth diapers, searching through the internet to find double strollers and sewing my quilt like a madwoman.

What. Is. Wrong. With. Me????

2 months is a little while but I'm feeling a little pressured by all the committments we have this fall and with contractions happening regularly I'm starting to wonder if this little miracle will arrive sooner than expected.

[Okay Shannon. Breathe. Note to self: the baby won't care if my tupperware is organized.

(That one is scratched off my list now)].

However, I'm terrified there will be no more semblance of order in our household, ever, again if I don't do everything NOW. On top of that, add a willful toddler who we are trying to train to sleep in a bed and, that's why I'm stressed.

As my energy level declines and baby's delivery date is breathing down my neck I'm wondering why I was so gung-ho to sign up for every volunteer position in my church this fall and to work until 2 weeks before the due date.

I'm having nesting in-sanity.

Camping Adventure

2011-09-08T16:54:00.000-07:00

Again, we found ourselves packing this summer. What a full summer it has been! However, despite traveling across the States to Colorado, studying there for 4 weeks, going boating in Harrison with family, working, and having visitors stay with us...what would summer be without one last camping adventure?

Neither Jason nor I had been up the sunshine coast much, so we booked at Porpoise Bay campground just past Sechelt and off we went with some friends. We had many adventures:

Adventure #1: fitting 4 adults and one child into our 5 seater Kia Rondo. Good thing we had a cartop carrier! Mission was successful (except we had to shop for food there)
A#2: the ferries. If you live in the lower mainland you know that it's possible to sit for HOURS in a ferry line up and keep missing ferry after ferry. Low and behold, without having a reservation and it being the long weekend, we only had to wait just over an hour to get on the ferry! The way back was similar- we hardly waited!
A#3: Silas hadn't been on a 'big boat' before and he loved it! Here he is (fighting his hat)

A#4: Food. I can't say this was that adventurous because we came up with some incredible camping cuisine. We enjoyed: farmers sausage cooked over the fire- piled high with fried onions and fresh corn on the cobb, incredible lentil soup cooked by Gillian (see below), fresh sandwiches, locally baked scones, french-style crepes, etc. Who said camping had consist of 'packaged' meals?

Even the squirrels liked it! (We named this brave fella' Skookum)

A#5: Hike to Skookumchuk narrows. 4 km each way and we did not bring our hiking carrier for Silas (there just wasn't room!) He did incredibly well and did a lot of hiking himself. He surely is (as his namesake means) a 'man of the forest.'

The narrows were super cool. It's where the tide comes rushing into a narrow inlet creating huge waves. Such that kayakers frequent the area to do tricks and practice. VERY interesting.

Back on the ferry again:

The weather was beautiful, the food was great, the company was awesome, overall we had a great time. The only thing was...IT WAS A LOT OF WORK. Not sure it was really that relaxing with trying to get Silas to sleep in the tent, his constant falling and getting into trouble, and well, you know, the cooking. Sigh. When will vacations like this be actually rejuvenating? Then we got home only to find that our washer was broken and were reminded that we still hadn't finished our backsplash tiling project. Good grief. Oh well. C'est la vie. At least this cutie keeps us laughing and living:

(showing off his tan line)

Looks like we'll need a new tent for next summer though. Until then, our camping stuff is packed away for another season!

Ramblings

2011-08-31T22:57:00.000-07:00

My mind is full of busy thoughts, worries, lists and general clutter. I feel like I need to clean it out here on this blogging page. So here goes.

I registered at the hospital today. Is this really happening? Baby #2? It took 15 minutes to get there. With the way Jason drove last time to the hospital, I bet it will take 5.
How is it that I could possibly love this next child as much as Silas? Sounds horrible, but how does love expand? This kid fills my heart so much...is there really room for another?
We are still finishing tiling our kitchen. Phew. Lot of work these home renovations. It's looking good though (see pictures below).
We met with the pastor today about leading a small group this fall. Ummm. Do we REALLY have time? I'm excited though to see Jason teaching and leading again and I love hostessing...
September starts tomorrow. That's crazy! I look forward to a lot this fall though! Visitors, swimming lessons, leaves, crisp air, women's breakaway, helping lead my first kidswap! Fun. Stuff.
I need to spend more time with God. I always 'mean' to, but rarely find the time. How do I NOT have time? I need to make time.
Somehow, we need to finish our New Testament seminary course by November. That's funny.
Silas makes me laugh every day. He is a little chatter box, saying anything and everything we say. He is starting to get an imagination too. He drew a little picture for me (of scribbles) and when I asked what it was, he said "a dog!" He makes engine noises and says "airplane." He loves sticks, rocks, and just roaming outside. We spend HOURS walking the lovely toddler pace just exploring the neighborhood every day. He is definitely. A. Boy.
But what is the next baby? Is IT A BOY OR GIRL? This is driving me a little crazy. Why did we choose to let it be a surprise again?
We are camping this weekend and I'm excited. The best part? Trying to fit 4 adults, 1 child, and 3 days worth of 'stuff' in our vehicle. HA!
Our tomato plants are SO close to becoming red but are not there yet. Come on sun....a few more days! We have a little pepper growing too. One. But hey, that's cool, we will enjoy every last bite of it!
My heart is racing often and I break out in sweats...my silly thyroid is already betraying me. Hopefully it won't start to wreak havoc on my sleep too.
We need to transition Silas to a toddler bed. Should be fun. I imagine it will take nights of sitting outside his door, putting him back to bed when he comes running out. Good thing he's too short to reach the door knob!

28 weeks pregnant

The tiles we chose for the kitchen backsplash. We put enhancer on them- look at the difference (the left one has the enhancer)

Tiles on the wall with icky grout

Once cleaned up...although still need to be sealed.

our lone growing pepper

Silas with his buddies. Visiting over snacks.

My little performer at the PNE. Sigh. This kid is hysterical.

Pillow Covering Mis-Adventure

2011-08-26T13:14:00.000-07:00

I'm entering panic mode: 2.5 months until baby? Good heavens. Lots to do, lots to do. We've started stripping our kitchen to ready it for new backsplash tiles. Our thinking: we'll probably want to sell our place in the next 1-2 years to get a bigger place and SO we should do some renovations now to increase the value (before baby arrives) and so that we'll have some time to enjoy our new renovations before selling. I'll post an 'after' shot once we're done. Home renovations with a toddler, should be fun! I also finally got myself together enough to take on this breastfeeding pillow cover experiment. My mom gave me a great idea to cover it and make it reversible with a fabric for if the baby's a girl, and then the other side- for if it's a boy. SO I scoured the internet looking for how to videos and guess what? No one makes them! Or, I didn't find anyone who does. You know why? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. I had to make it up as I went along. Did I mention I don't really sew all that much? Oh, and that I have a very, very old sewing machine? Oh well, at least I have the manual from the 1930s to help me out! I'm left with an 'ok' end result. Oh well. It will do what's intended: protect the pillow from spit up and allow me to clean it with ease. I think if I COULD perfect this idea, it could be a real hit in the mom-market. We'll see if I ever attempt that again...

Oh, and I finally took another belly shot. Silas kindly approached me the other day, pointed to my belly and said "ball!" Oh boy. Ball indeed. He's also learned how to say 'brother' and when asked if he's having a brother or sister- he says brother 100% of the time. (But he also says it's going to be a girl, so...not sure what that means).

girl side of cover

boy side of cover (buttons on both sides, but holes yet to be made)

kitchen: pre backsplash (paneling has to go)

step one: remove panels (check)

This shirt doesn't do it justice. At 28 weeks I feel like a blimp.

This Time a Round

2011-08-18T12:35:00.000-07:00

I always wondered how women can report that subsequent pregnancies can be 'sooo' different from previous ones. But here I am, contemplating the same thing. Just so that baby #2 doesn't feel ripped off about not having anything documented about his/her mom's pregnancy, I'm copying another blogger's idea of what is same or different about this pregnancy for me (see her blog here: Same different)

Different:

I've been sick more often. I was a glowing, healthy pregnant lady last time. This time? Colds, sinus infections...

I am bigger, I'm sure of it. So much bigger in fact that if I walk even the slightest bit fast while also having a full bladder, I get instant cramps in my belly.

I think I'm carrying lower? I don't know but I'm having more pant issues than last time. Ie. they don't fit.

More heartburn-like symptoms.

It's going much, much faster. This time around my pregnancy is in the periphery, where as last time it was my focus

I'm totally unprepared. As in, I haven't read anything, haven't thought about names, I haven't gathered or purchased or nested. This poor child is just going to get thrown into the crazy mix of a household that is lived-in (toddler style) and not pristine.

I am dreading labor in a different kind of way but more hopeful I'll find better ways to cope.

I feel less 'glowy' and more, well, 'ugh.'

Same:

I pee all. the. time.

I kinda like the attention again. I know, I know. Hate to admit it but the opening of doors and the 'ohhh, when are you due' questions still make me giggle a little.

Itchy. Itchy. Itchy belly.

Sleep less. I wake up a lot in the night.

It's a surprise! No idea if it's a boy or girl...which I love and hate at the same time. (I mean, do I buy pink or not?)

and YES I need to take another picture of my almost 27 week pregnant belly but I just look so huge. The other day I thought for sure the baby was just going to explode out of my abdomen my skin felt so stretched.

In other news:

Our garden is producing some marvelous produce this year including gigantic zucchini. We've maxed out menu items to make with this abundant harvest though. (I mean, what DO you do with 8 lb zucchinis anyways?) But I love taking Silas to the garden cause he just chews on beans/peas like a true veggie lover even though he doesn't eat them when I put them on his high chair.

As for Silas, I am loving this stage. He is constantly chattering, running, moving, exploring, chasing, giggling, show-and-telling, and is just a lot of fun to have around. In general the 6 month increments have been my favourite. At 6 months he was more settled, more responsive, and we were together a much better team. At 12 months he was weaned, he was scooting around, playing, and taking two naps a day, eating solids and trying new things all the time. And now, at 18 months he's so fun to take places. He loves kids and is constantly chattering alongside them like they're part of his fan club. He plays in water forever, can recognize and say the names of soooo many things, mimics most everything we say, makes up games, and says 'cooookie' in such a cute way I can hardly say no! He even sits on his little potty with his little books and acts like a big boy which is so fun! Only downside is that when I ask for a kiss or hug he says 'noooo' in a cheeky kind of way. Oh well!

tasting another bean on his wagon ride back from our garden

Look Mommy, I really DO love veggies!

Picasso in the making...

Nothing like the beach!

First boat ride (and hanging on tight!)

MUUUUUUUD.

Slow Down. Stop. Breathe. Enjoy.

2011-08-15T22:47:00.000-07:00

Life. Is. Busy. I enjoy busy, don't get me wrong. I enjoy having a purpose in my day. A place to go, people to meet, chores to do, life to accomplish. I hate being bored and bemoan being bored. But on the other end sometimes it starts to feel like I never actually surface or ever get caught up. Thing is, I know this is my new reality. No use trying to make my life like it was. It's not. I'm a mom. I'm a wife. I have a home to keep, ministry to do, work to show up for, meals to cook, things to sew etc. I recognize, only superficially, that these days are THE days of my life. One day all too soon I will look back and this will all be a glorious blur, and I will long for these days of being a mother with small children. However, that seems to be a peripheral thought that only intrudes for a few moments at a time. Most of the time I feel like I'm running full speed and drowning at the same time. How can I learn to just enjoy these days, be content with an overflowing 'to do' list that will never end, and to really soak in the moments that will one day be distant memories? Lord help me enjoy the everyday-ness of the everyday. Help me slow down, stop, breathe, and enjoy it all as it whirs along.

Countdown to Baby

2011-08-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

Many days that I am home with Silas, I am scratching my head as to what to do with him. Seems strange but I guess I get bored of taking him to the same parks, playing in the backyard pool, and well, having him follow me around while I try to get SOME things done in the day. And, I just am out of ideas. He's such a busy boy and LOVES to be with other kids and so I just don't know what to do to entertain him when I'm on my own. It just dawned on me the other day that he looks to me as his main playmate. I'm no longer just his meal provider and diaper changer, but I'm his educator and playmate and he desperately wants my undivided attention.
I've decided to therefore, have a bit more of a routine. AND, actually take specific time out of my day to not try and get other things done, not do chores around Silas, or feel guilty about not doing them, but just PLAY with him. Baby 2 is coming soon and really, there will not be much time after baby's arrival for me to just focus one-on-one time with Silas. Maybe it seems silly, but I just need to make a schedule and write it down that I'm going to take a few hours in the morning to do some chores, but then there will be hours in the afternoon of just simply playing with and focusing on Silas. Somehow writing it down makes me more likely to do it I think.

Even though in some ways I'm bored at home, the clock is ticking and there's a real sense of baby's imminent arrival. In light of what I said above, here's a list of my 'to-do-countdown' before baby comes:

4 months until baby arrives
2 weeks of out of town visitors
3 bathrooms to renovate
5 rooms to paint
4 kitchen walls to put up backsplash on (who wants to help?)
1 double stroller to buy
1 toddler bed to set up and get Silas to get used to
1 quilt to finish (oh man, this is taking me forever)
23 shifts left to work
2 weekends away (one without Silas for the first time, one women's retreat)
1 kidswap fall event to plan for my church
8 swimming classes to go to with Silas
1 freezer to stock full of meals and homemade applesauce
2 zucchini plants to harvest and do something with
1 breastfeeding pillow to recover (any tips on how to do that anyone?)
2 camping trips to take

phew. the list goes on. oh yeah, and somehow I need to take care of Silas in there, possibly potty train him (since he seems interested these days), prep for the arduous task that labor is, keep house, pick a name for baby, keep up my relationship with God, and friends, start a bible study, all while huge and pregnant. And I wonder why I'm so out of shape these days...when do I have time to exercise?

somehow I'll get this to-do-list done. by God's strength anyways.

23 weeks Pregnant and Veggies

2011-08-02T12:09:00.000-07:00

So. Back from Saskatoon and ready to tackle feeding Silas and well, life. Although, I can't believe I work so much in the next few weeks. It's to make up for all the time I had 'off' over these last 7 weeks but I don't feel ready to go to work tomorrow! Do I even remember my job? I feel so much more busy with Silas and keeping up the house, and my belly is bigger - with ligament cramps to boot. How am I going to work for 12 hour stretches? Ack?

23 weeks have flown by. I get a wave of fresh panic every time I think of it because I'm not ready for the baby to be born yet! Or maybe, just not ready for the aftermath of having a new baby. We haven't even really thought about names yet! Oh boy. Better get the move on.

In the meantime we're trying anything and everything to get this little boy of ours to eat something. Over these last 2 months he's been a terrible terrible eater. Not that being on the road is helpful for that- we ended up feeding him staples of cheese, grapes, crackers and yogurt. So much so, that maybe that's why he has almost completely banned regular meals, veggies, protein... I'm excited about trying all these new 'deceptively delicious' recipes and so far, they've been a hit! I made chocolate pancakes (with blueberries and spinach), banana pancakes (with yams and carrots), and just tried adding cawliflower and zucchini to a recipe I already have (orange chocolate chip muffins) and all of these things were a hit! I figure, this will be a new way of cooking and baking for me. I've pureed a bunch of veggie combos in the freezer in convenient ice cube sizes and I just pop them out and replace their liquid for other wet stuff in recipes. My goal: no matter what Silas eats, whether snacks or meals, that he'll always be getting something truly nutritious. That means- veggie and fruit juice (instead of regular juice), mashed avocado and banana concealed in his favourite yogurt, and pureed veggies in whatever I can possibly put them into.

We'll see. We have to cut back on snacking because otherwise he won't eat meals with us, we have to let HIM feed himself even though he's a messy eater- cause he won't eat if he can't do it himself, and well, we'll see. It's been very frustrating so I hope that there are better days ahead!

Here's some pictures as of late:

little Elizabeth Thomas- so cute

Silas trying to give her a hug, but being rejected

serious photo of buddies Nate and Silas

Happier!

Visit in the hotel in Saskatoon- Mom-superheroes

my growing pregnant belly!

infamous chocolate, blueberry, spinach pancakes- seriously, they're good!

yam/carrot pancakes

my fav' chocolate orange muffins (with veggies snuck in)

having fun with Uncle Kevin

Driving Back from Colorado

2011-07-22T13:22:00.000-07:00

Can't believe how fast 6 weeks went! The drive back took us another 5/6 days. I have to say, even though I usually LOVE to stay in hotels and LOVE to eat out....it's got kind of old! Eating out with a toddler is just not that fun and staying in hotels gets old pretty fast. Once he's in bed at 8 pm we can't really leave to go do anything so we'd be stuck just watching TV or well, that was it! I also got this terrible sinus cold which has led to problems hearing in my ears. Driving through the mountains with increasing sinus pressure was just not that fun! However, we survived!

Home was indeed sweet to see again and made even sweeter since our house sitter planted some beautiful flowers in our garden to greet us! What a nice surprise! I am amazed however, how much needs to be done around here. Life is busy with organizing and keeping a home again. I like the busyness but find myself a little confused what to do with Silas. He's changed so much! He's talking all the time, so curious about everything, climbing, wanting to help with stuff. I need to re-learn how to be with him all day by myself! Summer weather here is cold and wet right now so we're a bit limited with what we can do outdoors. I'll have to start getting creative.

Another realization: the baby is coming way sooner than I'll be ready for! So much to do to fix up the house and get organized before baby #2 arrives. Are we crazy???

A big thing on my to-do list is to finish this quilt I've been working on (for ages), paint our bedroom, maybe change out the vanities in our bathrooms (eek) and learn how to get this toddler of mine to eat something healthy! I'm in the throes of trying out the book "Sneaky Chef" and have been pureeing veggies like a madwoman so I can start hiding them in recipes. He's such a picky kid and only wants to eat 'loo-la' (his word for yogurt) and 'cooookie' (how did he learn that when we haven't even given him that many??). Grrr.

I'll have to outsmart him with some cooking prowess. I just gave him some 'juice' that had some carrot juice mixed in with OJ and some blueberry/banana/avocado drink. I felt very sneaky and very relieved to know that he was getting SOME nutritional value more than ketchup and carbs.

Any tips for getting a toddler to eat, well, anything? Or anything healthy?

I go back to work this Sunday- feels like awhile for sure! It'll take a bit to get back to some kind of routine here. But this summer is still full of camping, weddings, trip to Saskatoon and many other adventures. We'll see if I ever DO find a routine!

Here's some pics from our trip back:

you get what you pay for! No name brand diaper malfunction

Driving through Grand Teton National Park- Wyoming

Silas was sleeping in the car, we jumped out for a photo!

Yellowstone national park. Hot spring pools!

Geysers!

More geysers going off in Yellowstone

Old faithful!

Very hot spring- steam blowing off

What planet are we on???

22 weeks pregnant (and squinting)

A Few More Photos

2011-07-07T19:47:00.000-07:00

I basically study, go to class, study, bike to class, cook dinner, play with Silas, swim....so haven't had time to write out some of the ways I've been challenged spiritually by the content of the classes I'm taking. It will have to wait for some more reflection time (I hope) in the near future... But until then, a few more photos

seeing some sights with Uncle Kim

playing in his pool floatie

the breakfast stare-down

Silas laughing

20 weeks

Life in Fort Collins, Colorado

2011-07-03T22:04:00.000-07:00

I have to say, I'm loving our new routine and our new surroundings. There's something about being in a completely different place that makes you feel excited about living again. Crazy thunderstorms, discovering incredible milkshakes, exploring new parks with Silas, taking classes and challenging your brain, meeting new people, more time with Jason, eating lunch at home everyday... I feel very blessed right now. For this opportunity to learn new things about how to study the Bible better and really refining what it is I believe. I feel blessed to have this time with Jason to strengthen our connection together, discuss things that are important to us, and learn new things together. I feel blessed to be sleeping well! I feel blessed to watch my son learn and grow and become more confident and independent from us! I feel blessed to have the privilege to meet and fellowship with others who have devoted their lives for the cause of Christ. I just feel blessed. I want to soak up every moment here and not just look forward to the 'next' thing.

New buddy Carter (my cousins son) they had so much fun together...decided to lie on their pizza...?

our living room. See the 'non-kid-friendly- furniture (his seat is roped to the bar stool and today he punctured his forehead on the corner of the coffee table....so we put the table away for time out in the closet)

Seeing my grandma again after almost 4 years!

After getting caught in a sudden rainstorm while out for a walk!

19 Weeks

2011-06-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

First Family Roadtrip - recap

2011-06-19T17:39:00.000-07:00

A few of the photos we snapped along our 6 day trip from Vancouver to Fort Collins. Phew. Had fun, but glad it's done!

at the McNarry Dam (in Idaho?)

at a dam along the way

in Boise, Idaho

the Mormon temple in Salt Lake City, Utah

Silas enjoying his daily nap

hitting stormy weather...

attempting a family photo in windy, dusty weather...

in Deadhorse Pass: incredible views!

Silas loving the view (mommy, getting nervous...)

Family shot!

In Utah!

More lightening storms and rough weather

Trying to hide Silas away for sleep (not working so well!)

Arches National Park, Utah

Incredible Arches

Loving the scenery

Full family shot (baby included)

Daddy & Silas in an Arch!

Climbing (I needed help down from a stranger!)

Daddy & Silas in Arches

Family shot!

Double Arch

In Vail, Colorado

Checking out a gondola!

Ski runs behind

Entering the Mountains of Colorado

so the Adventure Continues...

2011-06-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

We head out tomorrow for our 5 day road trip to Colorado. (woot woot!) We are stocked up on snacks and kids' dollar store toys and DVDs. We hope (and pray) that Silas will survive, and that we will survive him and each other! We're excited for what this month ahead brings as we will be doing some Bible schooling out of Fort Collins. So many doors have opened for us in order to do this, so we really feel the Lord's leading.

We are also very thankful that I am feeling much better (no nausea!) and that I had a good ultrasound the other day! Everything looks a-okay and we're getting more excited about this baby. I think I felt him or her move today during worship which was exciting! I started to get emotional the other day in the car listening to Creed (of all bands...) Their song 'Arms Wide Open' is about the lead singer finding out he is going to be a Dad and I love his words:

"Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life"
he says to his child:
"With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything"

Okay. It's not that sappy. BUT I still got this swelling up of emotion and joy that I will again, Lord willing, have the opportunity to hold a little life in my arms again.

On that up note, in typical Shannon style, a little authenticity: If adventure usually means good, it can sometimes mean scary and that is also where I'm at. It's hard not to be fearful about how adapting to baby #2 will be. My thyroid was tested the other day and I'm borderline hyperthyroid. Oh bother. Here we go again (?) I pray it isn't so. Or that somehow, I will have the maturity and grace to go about any bumps along the road in a different way (if that's the Lord's will).

So there you have it! We have an exciting summer ahead: Bible school, trip to Saskatoon, weddings... and are on the verge of something incredible as we continue on this journey back to the mission field [?] and back to being new parents again...

And here I am. Busting at the seems (okay, not quite). 17 weeks and counting:

15 Weeks and Counting

2011-06-02T07:53:00.001-07:00

at this point, I just feel fat. grrr.

But, looking forward to my ultrasound next week!

Silas, the Curious

2011-05-31T14:40:00.000-07:00

Jason and I were in the dining room, a room away from where Silas was playing. We weren't really paying attention but since he was happily playing, we were content to continue working on some stuff together. Then I said to Jason, "it seems awfully quiet in there..."

Where was Silas? Right where we had told him NOT to go. But how could you be mad at him when this is what we found?

"oooooh, dirt!"

A cute little mess indeed! (He was covered, head to foot in dirt!) Too bad a few baby tomato plants had to lose their lives though...

Death, Life and In-between

2011-05-26T11:33:00.000-07:00

Ever have a post that has been burning in the back of your head for weeks, but you just haven't sat down to write it?
Well, I have.
And, now it's lost some of its freshness. However, I need to write about it because it's important.

I'm a nurse (duh), so it may well be expected for me to see patients die. But somehow, it still can be quite surprising and catastrophic. I had a young patient (late 30's) who I had never met. Upon arrival on my shift, it was quite apparent that she was beyond sick. She had cancer. It was everywhere. Her devoted, gentle husband was at her bedside.

To say that her death was imminent would be accurate, but at the same time, how she happened to pass away was not peaceful. It was graphic. It was messy. It was horrific. It was devastating. I have never seen someone pass as she did and it was scary. Watching it was traumatizing, but I can only imagine how it must have felt for her husband to stand by and watch his much loved wife violently pass from life to death.

Death makes you think about a lot. She was so young. How can this happen? How is it, that I too, will watch people I love die? As a believer in life after death I am thankful for hope and the truth that this life is not all there is. That even though the body is fading, the soul will never fade. But, here's the real shocker: what if, what if she didn't know this hope, and didn't know Christ? What if, after enduring years of pain, suffering, and sorrow, she passes from this life to the next in trauma and violence only to find that she will now endure an eternity of suffering, separate from her creator and His love? Now THAT is scary. That reality is much more frightening than death itself.

A lot happened at about the same time as this work shift. My great aunt died (I didn't actually know her) and then the next week, at my Church's weekly women's group, a hospice nurse shared about her job. It was hugely impactful and I wanted to bawl the whole time I was listening. As much as I hated watching this patient of mine die, as much as taking care of her life-less body was awful and, well, awkward, and as much as the reality of death is shocking and intrusive, I realize how much I love walking beside people as their loved ones pass from death to life. Maybe that's odd, but I think that the Christ, in me, is attracted to brokenness. He longs, through me, to touch those who suffer. To walk with them, cry with them, hurt with them, and sorrow with them. Maybe it's because I am all too aware of my own brokenness that Christ ministers through me this way. I dunno. But I feel Him most, and feel HIS satisfaction most when I am with those who suffer in this life.

I loved what the hospice nurse said: how death causes families to have to be authentic. It causes them to need others to walk with them. They think about things differently. They view their own lives differently. Conversations filled with hope and sorrow are frequent. It made me want to be a hospice nurse. I wonder if perhaps that is why God has allowed me to suffer in different ways in my own life. With the shattering of my own family, with the difficulty in dealing with physical ailments, etc.

Who knows where God will take me, but I wonder...maybe it's weird...but if I will somehow be journeying with those who are in between this life and the next.

[Phew. I promise the next post will be about happier, more everyday subjects like baking granola or Silas' running around the house with a hockey stick day in, day out, or maybe about how impossible making a quilt really is]

thanks

2011-05-13T13:24:00.000-07:00

I was reading the Bible and contemplating yesterday. How is it, that here I am, with weeks of quality, nightly sleep under my belt, and I have not stopped to just say 'thanks' again for God's gift of healing to me? How is it that I have so quickly forgotten the misery that marked much of the last year with night after night of sleeplessness? It was my focus, I was consumed by it, I was defined by it. And now, here I am, having suddenly and remarkably been pulled out of the pit I was in of hopelessness and despair, and I haven't stopped to say 'thanks' again to God.
In fact, I feel like I've given credit where credit was not due. No, it wasn't that I was pregnant, and tired, and that's why I've been sleeping so fabulously. No, it wasn't that I finally got off my sleeping pills and that's why I can now miraculously sleep. No, it wasn't that I started seeing a sleep psychologist (he didn't do much at all really). It was God. Simply. Completely. Absolutely. Why did He choose to heal me when He did? I don't know. Why did He wait so long? I REALLY don't know. But here's the kicker: where is my marker, my pile of rocks that I go back to and remind myself of the incredibly compassionate and merciful God that I serve Who, in His great love and grace, healed me of such a horrible affliction? I feel like such an Israelite. They watched the red sea part before them, allowing them to escape from their enemies and weeks later they are bowing down before a statue made of gold. WHAT? They already forgot. They didn't stop and remind themselves of their incredible rescuing God.
I don't want to make the same mistake. I want to learn lessons, LIFE-LONG lessons from what this year was. I want to never doubt the power of prayer, and that God is willing and able to do miraculous healings today. I don't want to forget that healing isn't just for everybody else but me, God does know me, see me, and love me and longs to pour out compassion on me, too.
So here I am. Just saying thanks. Wow. I've been sleeping and, you know, it's been such a gift. Thanks God- for seeing my despair and when I was ready to truly give in, and give up, You came and You healed. I am ever ever ever grateful.

Lists. Lists. Lists

2011-05-09T15:47:00.000-07:00

To do:
1. Must. blog. more. often.
2. Must finish planting veggie garden.
3. Plan for crazy adventurous road trip to fort collins this summer!
4. Finish folding laundry. Again.
For some reason, today is all about lists. It's been awhile since I've blogged because there were some things I couldn't blog about (namely, pregnancy) which created a bit of a writer's block. How could I NOT blog about THAT which was consuming much of my thoughts and energy? But since the news is o-u-t I can talk about baby #2 and other things occurring these days in the Brink household.
List #1: What I love about being 12 weeks pregnant:
1. I get to hear the baby's heartbeat. (sigh of relief)
2. Nausea is going away. (yucky)
3. I got to see baby waving at me today! (My doctor has this way cool, hand-held ultrasound device. AND behold: little hand waving for me to see. Amazing!)
4. I finally can TELL people. (sigh of relief #2)
5. I LOVE pregnancy jeans. Wish I could wear them ALL the time. AND now I've given myself permission. (YES!)
List #2: What I love about Silas being 15 months old: (This has been a very difficult stage for me and him, however, I'm choosing the see the positive about this age!)
1. He can walk, and is getting better at it all the time!
2. He's talking more all the time- he says ho-ck-ey and more, uppie, mommy, teddy, puppy and many more very cute (and intelligent) words (lol)
3. He can fold his hands to pray!
4. He still, most often, naps twice a day. (lifesaving)
5. He can focus on one activity for longer than 5 minutes! (such as playing hockey with a kitchen spoon and ball or ripping up tissue paper into teeny tiny confetti shreds)
6. He will actually stand still and let us wipe his nose (a-mazing)
7. He is capable of helping us 'clean up' now!

List #3: What I'm looking forward to in the near future:

1. Spending a month in Colorado for bible school!!! Yahoo

2. Going to Saskatoon for Jason's staff conference this summer.

3. Camping. I dunno when or where, but it's gonna happen this summer!

4. More hiking (Silas is still such a great little sport and will hike with us for hours at a time!)

5. More biking! (We've had a few bad rounds, let's hope this summer Silas is ALL ABOUT the bike!)

In other news:

1. We don't think we'll find out if this new babe is a girl or boy (aaaah, could I even WAIT that long to know?)

2. We're sad to see two great couples we love move away this summer, and another great couple leave our church (hopefully that doesn't slow down our friendship!)

3. We're, in the meantime, needing to study like crazy to do an online course before June. Not sure we'll make it...

Disciplining

2011-05-02T20:58:00.000-07:00

Phew. What. A. Day. I realize I haven't written in awhile and this post may be somewhat negative but man. Parenting is SO hard. Each day brings new challenges. Silas does something that throws me and I apparently am not good at coming up with discipline rules on the fly as I've become very inconsistent I think. Silas has been pushing every button, screaming, throwing himself on the floor, 'fake' throwing things to see me react, saying 'no' back at me. Who is this child? Is he really mine? A better question is, where are Jason's genes in him?? All this to say, after much encouragement at bible study (thanks guys) I think I need to actually sit down and work out what my actions will be. If I am not pro-active, I am inactive. I end up being this passive bystander praying every two seconds "Lord help me, give me wisdom, give me patience." So far, I've done well at staying relatively un-emotional and not getting angry or yelling. But I feel more like a passive observer. I need to start increasing discipline and try some time outs and other more clear punishments. It's so hard though! It's hard to convince yourself that it will get better when your son is screaming bloody murder in his crib after you've placed him there for time out- only getting more and more vocal as time passes rather than more calm. How do you teach a fiery, strong willed little boy with raging emotions and tons of energy how to calm himself down? Obviously, he can't. Someone tell me that toddler hood will give way to a well behaved young boy?! I know it doesn't happen 'automatically' it will take work on our part but it's so hard to know what response will bring what outcome in Silas. Will he feel unloved? Will he feel like we're too harsh? And then my biggest fear- what if we are not harsh enough? What if we are too lenient and he doesn't respect our authority? Then what.

Prayer. Book suggestions. Advice- ALL is welcome here!

Spring, O Glorious Spring

2011-04-08T15:13:00.000-07:00

The flowers are budding, some of our vegetable garden is planted, the air is crisp, the sun is out, and there's a ligthness to my steps that wasn't there before. Spring. It's here. I'm soo glad. Maybe it's because I'm sleeping well, for the first time in a year. Maybe it's because I wake up and the sun is shining. Or maybe it's just the promise of a bright, beautiful and adventurous summer ahead. All of these things make me glad. I'm smiling. I'm just so relieved to be able to begin to hope again. Hope for better weather. Hope for better nights. Hope for new life and healing and change. I had been a bit down lately. Frustrated with being stuck indoors. Tired from chasing after a full blown toddler with tantrums and fits. Bored with all my same routines and activities. But then, the sun came out. I remembered that we have exciting summer plans to spend a month in Colorado and spend time with friends and family. I remembered that I can now bike again, camp again, hike again- all my favourite things to do. Sigh. It feels good to feel good again.

Could it be that it's taken this long to recover from the transition of having a son? Perhaps. Or maybe it's just that I'm learning how to be thankful for all the things I've taken for granted. When I've slept, can walk out my door, breathe in the fresh air, and have health to my life and energy in my step: I'm glad. I want to be thankful for any days like this because the reality is, sometimes life comes along and takes those things from you when you least expect it.

So, I'm picking up my quilt to work on it again. I'm baking some lemon scones and eating as many as I want. I'm planting flowers and starting to dream. I'm looking forward to awesome days ahead and trying to live contentedly in this day too.

Oh how I needed Spring to arrive again!

A Choice

2011-03-22T10:41:00.000-07:00

*I could spend pages writing about how low and despairing I am. How bad my sleep is, how terrible this lot that has been given to me. I could weep onto this page with descriptive words of what terrible fatigue feels like and blog about how endlessly bad I've gotten it. I could appeal for justice, I could beg for your prayers, your pity. But the truth is this: I have endless, eternal reasons to have hope. I have great and wonderful reasons to praise God. I have a Savior who endured suffering to the point of death, so that I could receive new life. He is more than enough to carry me through the deepest, darkest, scariest valley that I could encounter in this life. His comfort is my shelter, hoping in Him is not only all I've got, but it's all I need. I am weary, I am broken, I'm run-down, I am at the lowest place but I will choose, right now, to life up His praises. I will fight this sorrow, this despair with praise. Why? Because God is good. Because He is enough. Because God loves me and will not abandon me. Because God will rescue me. If not from my circumstances, He will rescue me from the pit of despair and fear. To You, O Lord, be the glory forever and ever.*

With no reason to hope and fear rising within

Unable to face this suffering once again

At the end of myself, the end of my rope

I will choose once again in my Jesus to hope

That He will soon restore me

Bring new life from despair

That He will yet heal me

And comfort my fears

I offer my sorrow

And I take up your praise

I’ll choose joy in this valley

Your name high I will raise

For Your promises are faithful

Your love, it is sure,

Your presence is with me

Your mercy endures

I will not fear the darkness

Another night filled with strife

I will dwell in your goodness

You are the author of my life

Your ways, they are higher

Your plans, they are great

I do not doubt you will rescue

I will be patient and wait

For you do not abandon

Those that you love

You bring rest to the weary

And help the lowly rise up

Oh dear potter, I trust you

My brokenness, please mend

Be glorified in my suffering

This trial to you, I rend.

Nursing, Body Image and Letting Go

2011-02-27T11:05:00.000-08:00

Wow. Today marks the first day that my body is 'my own' again [with the exception of my husband of course] after 9 months of pregnancy, 14 months of nursing, and more than 2000 feedings later....and here I am. Just me. No baby in my belly to support, no baby in my arms to nourish. Just me. I have to admit, it's been hard letting go of the last nursing. Silas doesn't need it anymore and, well, I was shocked to admit that I was the one wanting to keep nursing him. I feel like I have to already start letting go of my baby boy. He's not a baby anymore: he's got 4 teeth now, climbs the stairs independently and has his own agenda. But, I have not been ready to let go of him 'needing' me. Partly because he is ultra in love with his daddy and I was a little sad to relinquish the last real reason I had for him needing me more. I also think part of the reason is because never in my life have I felt better about my body than over these past 2 years. Carrying a child in pregnancy was a joy and I felt beautiful and strong. Afterwards, even though I felt, for the first time, freedom to eat whatever and however much I wanted because I was nursing a child, I actually ate the best I probably ever have. Suddenly, how I 'looked' to the outside world didn't matter as much anymore: I was a mom!

Funny. If you would have asked me a number of months ago about giving up nursing, I would have been jumping up and down excited. Crazy how things change. Nursing was definitely challenging: engorgement and pain at first, frustrating and time-consuming at other times, messy and irritating and overwhelming....I couldn't imagine the thought of nursing a child to a year old when Silas was 3 months or so because it just felt SO hard! But here I am. 14 months later and having a hard time giving it up! It's been an amazing journey and I'm not sure I've ever kept up with something so long! It's been a joy holding and cuddling my little boy, being needed and depended upon, having the ability and gift of being about to nourish Silas each and every day. I can't believe I'll never nurse him again- that makes me so sad! Never again will he need me as much. I know, he'll need me in different ways, and I still am providing love, support, direction, and care for him every day....but....sigh.

I have to admit that with this 'letting go,' I've had major 'wanna-nother-baby' blues lately. Somehow I feel like now that I've been needed so much, I don't want to let that go! However, the reality is that with my sleep still the way it is and my dependence on sleeping pills, J and I think God may be wanting us to wean me off these medications and go back to as natural of a sleep as possible, before blessing us with another little life. We trust His perfect timing for another baby, Lord willing. I hope it's soon though because I miss being pregnant and I already miss nursing!!!!

I guess Silas and I will bond in other ways:

a good song

2011-02-18T10:55:00.000-08:00

4 hours of sleep between exhausting 12 hours shifts- and this song was playing in my car. It took a bit to keep it together, but my heart was holding onto the hope that one day, I will see Him, and everything will be alright.

[lifehouse]

how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

I know you didn't
bring me out here to drown
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light

My Handsome Posing Son

2011-02-09T21:28:00.000-08:00

Nothing like my handsome, amazing, hilarious little boy to add sunshine to my home and life. Here he is. It was an impromptu photo shoot because the light was coming in just so, and he was focused enough on my phone to sit still for photos. Sigh. So cute.

Prayers

2011-02-08T16:09:00.000-08:00

Just a call out for those who DO read my blog to keep me in your prayers. For those of you more familiar with my struggles, sleep has been an issue for the past year. I'm still currently taking sleeping pills which I have been trying to get off of for months and months without success. Problem is, I can get to sleep, but only ever sleep 4-5 hours a night. Not really enough. Now, with the addition of shift work, I am not only terrified of the consequences- I'm already realizing them. On night shifts we have 2-3 hours to sleep. I used to sleep no problem. Now I can't. I just lie there, completely exhausted. I was up for over 24 hours for my shift last night and didn't get a bit of sleep. After work I came home and was able to sleep my typical 4.5 hours but it just never feels like enough. I've seen a naturopath which so far hasn't seemed to help and every trip to my doctor ends up with the same message "sleeping pills are fine," "here's another prescription." Everything I read says that sleeping pills should be used for 2 weeks max. I've been on them for over 8/9 months and still I only sleep for 4-5 hours a night and cannot, for the life of me, get off of them.

I don't want to just complain. But I'm looking for a bit of hope- and well, your prayers.
Pray for me to get off these pills and get a natural rest.
Pray for me to be able to have the courage to go days of having rebound insomnia from withdrawal from the pills if necessary.
Pray my sleep would come back so I won't just go running back to pills.
Pray for perseverance and endurance.

Some days I'm barely coping, barely keeping hope that it will ever be different. Maybe this is my new normal but I refuse to believe it is. How can it be? There's no way I can go on with my sleep like this but I don't know where else to turn.

Wow. Depressing. I'm sure you're all sick of hearing all about this. But I guess this is what real life problems are: often ongoing, often without clear answers, and if you want to walk with me through this, that'd be great.

Winter Rose

2011-01-27T22:23:00.000-08:00

I am not an avid gardener, but I kind of want to be. There are so many life lessons that can be learned from gardening. I took a trip to the nursery in late fall and hoped to fix up my front gardens with some things that would grow over this wet and dreary time of year. Low and behold, without much attention, my beautiful winter roses have bloomed.
'Did she say bloomed?' oh yes I did. My roses just started blooming this past week. This brings me much hope.

The other day as I was spending time reflecting on some of the difficulties over this past year, my trials and sufferings, I looked out my window to see these flowers budding and felt so hopeful.
I want to be a winter rose. Growing and blooming despite hard soil, wind, rain, snow (the rose bush had a foot of snow covering it before the flowers bloomed a few days later). I look around and in this time of year and weather, nothing else seems to be blooming. That's the type of character I want to have. That's the type of person I want to be.
Lord help me bloom in the difficult seasons. Give me the endurance, the perseverance and faith to wait for the fruit and the beauty, through the darkest times of my life.

Parenthood: Risk Management and Vaccinations

2011-01-20T15:41:00.000-08:00

Jason and I have come to realize that so much of parenthood appears to be weighing risks. It's frightening living in this day and age. We have access to so much information and media on the internet. With that, comes the issue of weeding through all this 'information' and making informed decisions about our children's' health and well-being. Who do you trust to give you accurate information? Websites? Peoples' experiences? Dr's? No one is purely objective and no one can be trusted (is what we learn in this generation).

Take the issue of vaccinations (a big one). Do you, or do you not vaccinate? What once was a clear decision (in an era where every second child got debilitating effects of polio) is now complicated. What about autism? What about other terrifying 'reported' neurological effects of vaccinations? For me, having seen the effects of polio on children in rural Africa, it seems to be an obvious decision- the risks of vaccination are clearly outweighed (to me) by the benefits. But then, what if, after giving Silas 3 shots today, he somehow comes down with autism? What would I think then? Who am I to question many parents' real experiences of their children going in for shots one day and developing autism shortly after?

Gah! Not only is making an informed choice difficult, but then feeling confident of that decision is even harder! Hmph. How does any parent live with any decision they make?

Jason and I struggle through over-analysis-paralysis. I feel overwhelmed, most of the time, about trying to make 'the best' decision. I don't want to be under-informed, but often being over-informed causes me more headaches and frustration. Especially because I never feel confident that I DID make 'the best' decision. For example: if I be overprotective and don't let Silas climb trees, or play outside, or run around the neighborhood, then perhaps he will live in fear or not develop as a normal boy should. But then if I let my son do these things and he falls from a tree and becomes paralyzed for life, or is hit by a car, or gets abducted-then did I make the right decision?

Parenthood can be terrifying. Every decision comes down to risk. There's risks to not vaccinating, but also risks to vaccinating (until they do more research and absolutely conclude there is no causal relationship between vaccinations and autism).

My conclusion to these ramblings: How does any parent navigate this world today without God?

I'm working on thankfulness this month and so I am thankful that ultimately, God does see all things and protect us from many awful things. However, when bad things do happen, this doesn't negate the existence of God or disprove that He is good. I believe that God does allow things to happen in our lives for our good. I may not understand in this life. I may not want to accept life's circumstances because of how hard they are, but His ways are above mine. I cannot live in fear, or should not, because God will never change and will always be my sustainer and foundation in and through any circumstance. I'm thankful that in the midst of feeling overwhelmed and over conscious of all the things that could go wrong in parenting, I can still trust that God is good, He is control, and that all that happens in this life will one day be swept over by the glorious life to come.

Side note: I watched this documentary today on vaccinations and it was very informative. Frontline (PBS) in the US does a great job of providing objective, free, documentaries online:
Vaccine Documentary

You Know You're a Mom When....

2011-01-17T11:21:00.000-08:00

Comical insights I've learned over these past 12 (gulp) months of initiation as a Mom.
You know you're a mom when....
-you finally have to buy concealer cause the bags under your eyes are just too big
-you use the bottom of your own shirt to wipe your son's nose
-you're not ashamed to stick your nose down your child's shorts to take a good 'wiff' (hey, it's the best way to tell if they've pooped or not!)
-your diaper bag is your purse (or your purse is your diaper bag? either way, it's true)
-you don't mind eating teeny, tiny pieces of discarded food from your child's plate
-you go out of the house with either spit up on your shirt or food stains. And you don't care so much anymore.
-you get excited about buying toy bins at ikea
-*personal mom-comment ahead*: you walk around without your nursing bra snapped in for most of the day
-even if your son's face is covered in snot, food, and has a rash all over it- you still think he's cute and can't resist sudden urges to kiss his cheeks off
-you think every noise-making-toy sounds like your crying child when he's down for a nap
-you clap hysterically whenever your child does something new- even if it's the smallest thing

This has been quite the year. I feel so privileged to have Silas along on this adventure with Jason and I. He's brought so much joy and laughter, and has filled up all the empty spaces of our life (and home). I'm excited to see what this year brings and slightly scared to death. Now begins the rumblings of discipline and spiritual guidance of which I'm terrified of. Lord help us raise Silas well!

*Getting into present opening

A few new accomplishments of my one year old:
-he stood up without holding onto anything (for a few seconds) the other day!
-he stands all the time now and cruises all over every bit of furniture
-he can clap when we say 'yay' and lifts his hands straight up when we say 'praise the Lord.' We're still working on some baby sign language but I think he can say 'more' with sign language and knows the sign for 'milk.'
-he climbed stairs for the first time the other day (only a couple steps and only a few times)
-he loves it when I throw something to the ground and say 'ka-boom' (oops, should I be teaching him this?)
-he's a great eater for the most part but has a particular love for fruit and breads....he also has a post-yogurt-tantrum because he loves it so much and gets upset when his container is empty!

Sporting his birthday boy crown- made by his 5 year old friend Micaiah!

Hanging out with cousin Allie

Standing away!

"My work is done here..."

Showing off his fashionable 'faux-hawk'

Enjoying the Montreal BioDome

Family shot at the BioDome

Yes. We really did leave him just sitting in the snow while we cleared the frozen pond (so we could skate on it). He enjoyed his little command post, really!

Lovin the snow with Daddy! I guess there IS a bit of ontario in his veins

First bites of cake. Pre-choke-fest. Then he didn't like it anymore.

OH how we love this little boy and are thankful to God for entrusting him to us!

my baby Aniwools

2011-01-03T18:13:00.000-08:00

I've been waiting for quite some time to post one of my fall 'crafts.' I didn't want to post details because they were Christmas presents for our nieces and nephews.
Thanks to my friend Kim who re-taught me how to crochet! I've decided to name them 'aniwools.' Think I should start a side business?
Here they are (minus the polar bear and orange elephant)

Some of the kiddies with their stuffies!

Let's see if I'll have time to accomplish a quilt before back to work....doubtful.