God Speaks Through my Child

Today, I was incredibly discouraged.  As many of you know, I have had a hard and long road.  In fact, I have been struggling for so long with this particular struggle that I can hardly remember what it was like before it.  Insomnia.  Anxiety related to insomnia.  Endless nights, despair, discouragement, and round and round we go.  Health problems, child-bearing, postpartum crises and shift work have antagonized 'the giant' (Goliath, I call him) that is my struggle, and my resulting phobia and anxiety around sleep has grown and grown.

By God's great grace, I have won many battles with this Goliath, but he still remains, undefeated.  I believe, I will see his defeat one day.  I pray that day comes swift because I am tired and weary.  After a particularly rough battle, as these last weeks have completely slayed me, I was feeling incredibly alone and despairing this morning.

I was asking of God, through His Word, with tears soaking the pages of my Bible, "do you hear my cries God?"  "When will you rescue me?"  "Have you abandoned me?"  I was lamenting with many many psalmists in the Bible, over their same questions.

If you are ever in crisis, read the Bible.  You are in a great company of many other sufferers who found both consolation and courage in this great book- God's words to us.

Take for instance, Psalm 77
"Has the Lord rejected me forever?  Will He never again be kind to me?  Is His unfailing love gone forever?  Have his promises permanently failed?  Has God forgotten to be gracious?  Has He slammed the door on His compassion?  And I said, 'this is my fate, the most High has turned HIs hand against me.'  But THEN I recall, ALL You have done, O Lord.  I remember ALL your wonderful deeds.  You are the God of great wonders!"

After having poured out my heart to my ever loving Father, lamenting the same words of the Psalmists (while the children were in quiet time and napping), I went upstairs to check on Silas.

My dear Silas.  He loves to colour and draw and for some reason, loves mazes.  I asked him, as I usually do, to show me what he was working on.  "A maze" he said, as usual.

As he explained to me his picture maze, tears starting pouring down my face and I almost wept right in front of my 5 year old son.  His words, I believe, were straight from God.

Here is how he described his picture:

"See, here, up here?  This is goliath.  See, he even has a sword.  (top left).  But see over here?  This is God! (top right) He's way bigger than goliath.  And down here, see this person (he knows it is david but he said 'this person'), they don't know it, but God has sent an angel to be right beside them!"

I immediately knew, in my spirit, that this picture was a picture God was giving me.  I am not abandoned.  I am not alone.  My God is fighting for me.

Then I looked further at the picture- down in the right corner.  "Who is this person sitting, Silas?"

And he said to me, "Oh.  They are sitting there, saying they can't defeat goliath.  But God is bigger than goliath!"

I was weeping because, how great is our God?  I was asking God, just before I came upstairs if He had abandoned me.  In fact, I was sitting in a chair downstairs at our table weeping alongside the Psalmists and then, God gives me this incredible picture of His care for me, His presence with me, His victory that is sure to come.

And His message through my precious son, just as He brings us victory through His precious son, Jesus.

"I love the LORD because He hears my voice and my prayer for mercy.  Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath.  Death wrapped its ropes around me; the terrors of the grave overtook me.  I saw only trouble and sorrow.  THEN, I called on the name of the LORD "Please Lord, save me!"  How kind the Lord is!  How good is He?  So merciful, this God of ours.  The Lord protects those of CHILDLIKE faith."  Psalm 116

Thank you God, help me have faith like a child, like my child.

The Domestic Deficit [Part 1]

I believe there is an incredible phenomena in this generation of young mothers.  I will call it the "domestic deficit."  It has the potential to cause young women to become incredibly guilt ridden, overwhelmed, and depressed, perhaps more than any previous generation of young mothers.  (Of course, this is based not on extensive research, but on anecdotal evidence, although maybe I'll research this one day?)

I have had numerous conversations with mothers over the last few years and many have the same theme. We were raised to be strong women with independent dreams and goals.  We were told we could do anything we wanted, and to some degree this is true.  We can go to university and college, be doctors, be politicians, be entrepreneurs, be astronauts, be police women, etc.  We can go and do, see and be, whatever we want.  It is a gift, an incredible gift.  Many women around the world are not afforded an education, let alone career opportunities.  My cousin-in-law said that her daughter is reading the bible.  That statement alone is unbelievable when you step back and look across the globe.  Her daughter is a girl, can read, and can read the bible.  Wow.

Yet, there is a problem with all of this.  We pursue education, we run after careers, we are told to dream big and we do. But we are not really equipped to be mothers.  Not domestically, not practically, and not emotionally.  Most importantly, we are not told that we even have what it takes to be mothers (we are not empowered to be mothers).   Where do we get the confidence to take on such an endeavour when everywhere we look we are told that we must consult with the 'experts' giving us the impression that we don't innately have what it takes to figure it 'all' out?

We enter our late twenties, our thirties and enter a new world of starting families.  We love our children, we love being mothers, but we often struggle.  Struggle with being at home and learning how to do the seemingly mundane, ordinary tasks of taking care of small children.  We wrestle against postpartum depression and isolation.  We feel like islands in a vast sea of the suburbs and wonder how in the world we got here when we were on the career path.

We desire to be good mothers.  We feel like we have vocational skills and passions that we want to pursue.  We are told we can do it all, but have a hard time figuring out how to do it all.  Or, were we even made to do it all?

The pressure we place on ourselves, the expectations of our culture, is huge.  And few of us are holding up under it.

Enter: guilt.  Frustration.  Stress.  Feeling overwhelmed, and burdened.  Add to that the financial strain of childcare costs, and the high cost of living in many urban centres (vancouver is insane, how does any mother afford to stay at home with her kids?), trying to navigate the complex world of juggling work and commuting, helping support the financial needs of our family, and being involved in every and all aspects of our kids education and extracurriculars 

and... 

we are run ragged.

We feel like we cannot pursue our career how we want, and then cannot be the wives and mothers we want to be.  We lack mentorship, we lack encouragement, and we are surrounded by ideologies, opinions, and social media that tells us everything we don't need to hear, namely, that whatever we are doing, we are doing it wrong.

"I never feel like I'm enough."
"I don't know who I am, or what I'm supposed to be about"
"I feel like I am failing, in all areas"

Social media and the wide world of the internet has compounded our problems.  We spend hours looking for answers 'out there' asking experts and forums for answers to our dilemmas.  When we really lack supportive community of mothers- from all seasons of life, who can help encourage and guide us.

We are given no skills to learn how to navigate this world that we live in.  The past generation and their mentorship can be confusing because the world we live in is so different.  But yet we so desperately need mentorship- the loving support of the older generations who can give us a bigger perspective. 

And as a Christian, I think in some ways the waters can be even muddier.  Over-spiritualizing and placing moral values to choices that are not about morality can be conflicting.  We face a lot of judgment for our choices about work or staying at home, even if we have laboured hard over them, prayed and sought God's will and believe we are doing the best we can.

What are we to do?
Does any other mother feel this tension, this pressure, the overwhelming demands of our culture and ourselves?

I do.
And the symptoms of this phenomena look like this in my life: lack of confidence.  Depression.  Confusion. Decision-making paralysis.  Fear.  

So how do we get out of this?  How do we find our identity in Christ alone, irrelevant of the choices we make as mothers, as passionate professionals, as wives, as christians?  And how do we make those choices anyways?

I don't believe that women should be confined to the home.  I believe we are meant to be participating members of society.  I also believe God gives us gifts and abilities that are meant to serve the Church, meant to serve the community and our families.  But how do we balance all these demands?  

I hope this will be the beginning of some great discussion....

Part 2 I hope to address what I am trying to figure out might be some good 'solutions' to this? (Please e-mail me if you have solutions.)  Or maybe it will be just a discussion of what we might be missing as a segment of society.

The School Debate

For months now, Jason and I have been wrestling through what to do for Silas' education.  Why does this feel like such a difficult decision? I know it's not a 'life-long' decision and you can re-evaluate.  I also know that there is no wrong or right.  No perfect education system.  And each one will have its triumphs and difficulties. So, how does one decide?!

I mean, this is obviously a first-world problem.  In Canada, we are especially blessed.  We can literally choose between at least 7 different types of schools in our area (home schooling, public school, traditional school, french immersion, christian school, environmental school, fine arts school...) Isn't that ridiculous?  In most areas of the world children are lucky to get to go to school at all.  And we have that many quality choices in education?  Makes me almost sick to think that we are that blessed.  

And yet, the choices are what is paralysing us.  

I have seen many people doing every kind of schooling well.  I see those christian families rockin the public system, I see Jason's entire family rockin' the homeschool thing, I see french immersion and private school and traditional school and fine arts school...I see everyone in their niche and they all proclaim how amazing it's been for them.

But how do I get from here, to there?  How do I be confident what is right for Silas and what is right for our family?  We can't ask other people, because everyone has their own opinion and everyone says what they chose is what works for them.  So really, it's up to us.  But who are we?  What do we value?  What is most important?  AH!

The problem is, I love the idea of each kind of schooling.  I love the flexibility and creativity that would go into homeschooling.  The fact that you can make it what you want it to be, work it around work and family life, and focus in on the things your child loves- sounds amazing.  No getting the kids in their carseats and rushing off for 8 am?  Sign me up.  No peer pressure, no bullying, no small shy child getting lost in a class of 30 kids?  Perfect.  

But I also love the idea of being involved in a local, public school.  Getting to know the families in our community better, running into them at the playground, getting involved in their lives and stories.  I love the idea of having an outside mentor for your child (their teacher) who can partner with me and be an objective helper to educating our kids.  They might see things in Silas I don't see.  They might be able to encourage or inspire or offer him instruction in areas in which I am weak in.  Music class, field trips, learning how to be a friend and be in a group setting, all sounds awesome to me.  The classroom setting was full of inspiring and bright and shiny and wonderful things for me as a child, that sounds amazing!

And Christian school- where they help teach my child about values we believe in, who instruct in culture and missions, and provide awesome music and art classes, I love it! Sounds amazing.

See the problem?  
I am crippled by the idea that Silas might miss out by not being involved in one thing or the other.

I realize that most families switch around and probably most families end up doing a bit of each type of schooling.  But where do you start?  How do you decide?

Each type of schooling has it's down sides to me too.

Theoretically homeschooling sounds amazing, but being isolated a bit more at home, as a family?  I've been home-bound (relatively) for 5 years and I don't know if I want to spend most of my time at home.  I don't know that I want the pressure of my child's entire education on my shoulders.  I don't know if I could manage it with the needs of our household and other children and still work at the same time.  (And stay sane).

Public school?  I don't really want the values of the world influencing Silas at such a young age.  Mouthy kids?  Materialism?  Bullying?  Social drama?  I don't know that I want that for Silas.  Dropping off and picking up every day, the busyness of full time kindergarten and after school activities running our family life?  No thanks.

And I don't know that I agree with completely sheltering Silas in private school.  And the cost, don't get me started on the cost!  It's like the same cost as Jason's university degree per year!  Who has that kind of money in the lower mainland!

See the problem?
We are crippled by this decision.  We don't have a feeling or an inclination towards one or the other.  I just don't know.  I see the benefits and down sides of each choice.  So what then?!  

Someone give me more advice about how to decide.  

Anyone else find this decision very difficult?  Or does everyone else see it clearly for their own family and we're the only ones wrestling with this?  Or do you just put the three ideas in a hat and pick one out?  Maybe it should come to that.  Pick one, try it, trust God and carry on...?

P.s. I don't need any more comments about why their type of school is the best because it's not actually that helpful.  HOW did you decide is what I want to know.  What type of person do you find works best with each type of school?  That's what I wanna know.  Do I have what it takes to homeschool?  Help!

9 Month Old Beauty

Oh baby girl, how you've grown.  And all I can think is wow, how you have added to our home.  Little one, how precious you are to this family!  Your sweet cheeks, cooing noises, clapping hands, and persistent exploration bring us much delight.

9 months!  Look what you can do:

-Climbing stairs, delicately and cautiously (and learning to go back down properly)

-Eating 3 meals of solids a day- you love bananas, puffs, and yogurt

-You are the most determined and persistent little thing.  How many times a day do I drag you back from the Christmas tree presents that you are trying so desperately to tear apart?

-You love to snuggle, to wrestle, to climb on top of us

-You love your Mama and want to be held so often. Velcro baby.  You just want to be in the thick of things.

-You stand up beside anything and everything- tables, stairs, couches.  You are moving along furniture quite a lot now

-You still wake up at night (ah!) and still are not a good napper (arg!) but you are so soft and sweet, we forgive you for it easily

-You can clap!  And you are so proud of this fact

-You love peek-a-boo, and love it when Silas jumps out at you

-You always look for your brothers \

-You are the grabbiest little thing ever.  Your pinch can send a grown man through the roof and you love grabbing mommy's earrings, Daddy's hair, and your brothers' faces

-You love your little giraffe toy best

-You hate your car seat

-You can sometimes sleep in the stroller but otherwise prefer your bed

-You are so ticklish under your arm pits, on your chunky thighs and under your neck

-You love chasing your brothers around, taking their trains, and wrecking their building projects

-You know your name and get stranger anxiety

-You are the calmest and quietest when we go outside for walks.  You love fresh air!

-You love splashing in the bath and go crazy when you get to have a bath with your brothers- and love climbing over them to get the bath toy you want

-You love music and dance along to the beat.  You love grabbing Daddy's guitar and trying to strum along

-You love hiding under the counter bar chairs and under the piano- eating the pedal cord.  Funny girl.

-I cannot count the amount of times you have eaten paper.  

-You are the fastest little crawler.  We find you everywhere and in everything!  You love disorganizing mommy's pantry 

You are loved. We are blessed.  Praise God for your sweet face and your open smile.  Can't wait to see all the beautiful gifts God has placed in you and how He will use your life for His glory.

-these beautiful pics courtesy of Nathan Sawatsky photography

Advent & Christmas Countdown

Christmas is coming! What a wonderful, beautiful, incredible time of year.  It's not everyone's cup of tea, but I love to do a countdown for Christmas so that I can be intentional about doing all the things we love to do as a family.  Create memories, have slow-down moments, build anticipation, celebrate community and family, and stop to slow down and think about the real reason for the season.

This year we just bought this book.  It's beautiful and thoughtful, and awesome.

I want to start the tradition of the Jesse tree which has us reading certain scriptures every night with the kids after dinner, reading this really cool story bible, and hanging up a little ornament with a symbol for them to remember the real reason for the season.  If I had time, I would make these ornaments (so cute) but we'll have to make due with some printouts this year.  

And, as usual, I am currently filling up these boxes:

Inside will be the Jesse tree ornament, another little ornament for our tree which we can add every day, an activity for that day and the elements to make that activity happen.

My hope is that we can do as many of these things in community as possible and that the children will love crafting, baking, giving, and making together.

Advent activities:

1. Decorating the house for Christmas.  On goes the music, up goes the décor.
2. Setting up their nativity scene to play with, outside Christmas light!
3. Ornament making day with friends.  Thinking of these and some other kid-friendly ones. 
4. Cinnamon ornaments!  I've always wanted to make these.
5. Snow day.  Sensory bin and snowman fingerprint (and footprint) painting. Possibly attending our Church's Making Spirit's Bright event.
6. Cutting down our Christmas tree with friends, and attending the Christmas parade in Maple Ridge (or going to Science world to celebrate Jason's birthday).
7. Decorate our Christmas tree, dinner by candle and christmas-tree light, and make some gluten free chex mex for while we do it.
8. Christmas tree crafts: One for me, one for them. If only I had time for these but I AM hoping to make a new wreath like this.
9. Some special projects for Daddy's birthday today!
10. Send some fun packages to family far away and do some play-doh christmas tree decorating (only with a bit more glitter and glam).
11. Make homemade marshmallows and pair with hot chocolate mixes to deliver to some dear friends.
12. Party day! Daytime dance party to christmas music, Jason's work christmas party.
13. Can't wait to take our kids to the 4Catz studio to paint a family work of art together. Splatter painting! Silas is going to love this. Also going to let the boys have some bathtime fun with a winter bath kinda like this.
14. Snowman pancakes and our Life group christmas party. 
15. Decorate and stamp and mail christmas cards and go ice skating at the Langley Events Centre's Winter Wonderland. 
16. Cookie baking for neighbors part 1 (cause having a busy 6 month old underfoot will make baking take ten times longer). I love the ones we chose last year so might make them all again:
    
17. Cookie making day part 2 and delivery. 
18. Random act of kindness. Hoping to candy-cane bomb a parking lot in our community or pay for someone's coffee. The boys have their preschool play in the evening! 
19. Go visit Potter’s store or Port Kells Nursery - so beautiful (and free) at Christmas. Snowman pizza and Christmas movie in jammies tonight 
20. Snowman pancakes for breakfast, and skating or the Stanley park Christmas train in the evening. 
21. More random acts of kindness and sledding/tubing!
22. Have a fire and read stories by it. 
23. Hot chocolates and drive around looking at Christmas lights. Hoping to do a christmas light scavenger hunt this year like this. 
24. Christmas Eve (maybe our traditional gourmetting this year?)
25. Christmas Day!

It may sound like a lot, but it's really what we would already do at some point- but this way all my planning is done and we can just enjoy a new activity every day.  

Hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas season.  If you want to join us in any of these activities, let us know!!

Frog Birthday

Party season has arrived!  With all our family members' birthdays falling in winter months it's planning time! But, I love it.  I love decorating, organizing, shopping, being creative, you know...all of it.

This year for Toby, he decided on a frog themed party.  Ever since his epic time frog catchin' at his aunt Cheryl and Uncle Joe's place this summer, and his even more epic fall into the pond water from the rocks, he's had frogs on his mind.  Once the theme of frogs was decided, it was hard to NOT think of fun things to do with frogs.

Some fun details for those of you who ever need ideas for a frog party:

Activities:
I like to keep my parties unstructured...partly because I don't love organizing a bunch of hyperactive kids.  I instead like to set up 'stations' that they can roam between.  The activities this time around were SO fun and were all things I knew Toby would enjoy.

1. Frog launcher
Where can you go wrong with this?  A bunch of little boys?  A catapult made from daddy? Stuffed and beanie frogs to launch and catch in a bucket?  Unfortunately, we didn't get a lot of action shots but let me tell you, there WAS action.  There were frogs flying everywhere- this launcher was awesome!  The kids could stomp on it or hit it with their hand.  Many times adults were hit in the head with frogs, but they were all good sports. The best part?  We now have an awesome catapult to play with in the months ahead.

2. Pond Sensory Bin
Because Toby loves sensory bins and because of his awesome frog catching time this summer, I made him a pond sensory bin.  I dyed a bunch of rice with blue colouring (and vinegar) and also mixed in some white rice.  There were rocks and sticks that we had collected on a walk this week, some pine tree branches, some gems, and a TON of frogs. A few butterflies over-top, some lily pads, and a few nets for the kids and wow, was this ever a hit.

Actually, I'm pretty sure that Toby spent MOST of the party at this station.  
3. Froggie Craft
I tried to make the craft as simple and self-directed as possible so kids could do most of it themselves.  It was glue-less and we used simple things like double stick tape and a hole puncher to make this work.  The best part?  The frog's tongue...I imagine tongue-fights happening in this household in the next few days.

4. Lily Pad Lagoon

(Named from part of the cottage that we visited this summer with Jason's extended family).  Thanks to Oma, we had a ton of origami jumping frogs (and some plastic ones) that kids could sit and try and land on the lily pads.  Fewer people played with this but it was still a fun activity (and again, more frogs for us to play with in weeks to come!).

5. Books

I always love to have some books hanging around.  We often get a bunch from the library but this time I bought some from the thrift store.  Toby already loved rifling through them and I loved watching families cuddle up with their kids, even for a few minutes, with a book.

Food:

I planned the party for 3-5 so that we could avoid major meal times, so the snacks were pretty easu.  I kept it 'simple' in that I just did nachos, some fruit, and then some fun themed food:

1. Cupcakes!

Seriously, so easy!  Just green frosting with a bit of sprinkles on it, marshmallows cut in half with chocolate chips shoved in, and a red gel smile.  The only complicated part was trying to make sure there was a cupcake for everyone.  With all the food intolerances it gets a bit tricky (there were gluten free, dairy free, regular etc)

2. Froggy eggs, fly dip, and froggy apples

(fly dip was a bean dip made for the taco chips)

The apple frogs were just quartered frogs that I had doused in lemon juice, cut up grapes for legs and feet, and marshmallows for eyes.  A little finicky but otherwise simple.

Decorations:

I thought I kept the decor pretty simple...just some streamers and balloons, coloured table cloths etc.  I borrowed a bunch of frogs to put around, got a few from thrift stores, and Toby's Oma had brought some frog bath toys I put around the room.  I also cut up a bunch of little lily pads of various sizes to put on table tops for frogs or frog candies to sit up on. 

Toby's birthday banner was made with lily pads which was fun, although if I were really particular, I should have written "hoppy birthday toby" but, you know, who would have noticed but me?!

Goody Bags:

What's a party without goodie bags?

Homemade green play-doh (I should have put glitter in, makes it that much more fun!), some frog candies, frog stickers, bouncy balls, and ta-da!

Some action shots:

Excited for his party day!

All hands in the sensory bin

Crafting

Fiona got some snuggles too!

Loved collecting the jewels too

Cake time!  

Me, re-lighting his candles for him...a friend's son came running in, at JUST the right moment and blew out Toby's candle for him so he had a 're-do.'  It was pretty hilarious but Toby didn't think so.

We had a wonderful day!  Toby got to wear his jammies all morning (which he loves) and had his special breakfast of his choice.  He got to open his presents from us and got to watch a veggie tales video (a special treat). Then it was off to the park for a beautiful time in the sunshine with the family and he got to stop to get his FAVOURITE treat - a fresh, plain bun from Cobs bread.  Then it was lunch and nap and party time! He also got to go out to a restaurant with Nana and Papa for french fries after!  He said at the end "I just want to do this day over again."  

And that's why I do this...I think everyone should have a day every year where they feel truly loved, truly special, and truly celebrated.

For other party and kid ideas see:
Lego birthday
Baking birthday
Christmas countdown 
Monkey birthday
Train birthday

My 3-Year-Old

Oh wow do I love this boy.  My little Toby turns 3 this weekend.  And when I think of him, I think of:
-red rubber boots
-hopping, jumping, spinning, running
-catchin frogs
-singing songs- always
-noticing the little things like lovely flowers, rainbows, and animals
-cuddles on the couch with a book
-endless hours of pushing cars, trains and motorbikes
-bombing down hills on his strider bike
-snacks - my raisin and hummus fiend
-whispered comments
-animated expressions
-hilarious comic relief
-emphatic "NO!"
-stuff-collector (we always find piles of random stuff in his bed- including windshield scrapers, rocks, turkey basters, trains, stuffed animals, my ear plugs, books, random rubber found on roadways, bouncy balls and any interesting thing he finds)
-quirky
-exploring
-early mornings, this kid gets up at the crack of dawn!
-coffee loving
-bed wrestling
-squeezy hugs 

What a blessing he is to our family!  His smile, his sparkly blue eyes and his incredible fun-loving charm adds so much LIFE to our family.

Thank you God for our healthy, handsome son.  What a joy he is!  We love you Toby!

(he looks like a little teenager here)