Better late than never

So, this is old news, but I dug up this unfinished post and decided to edit and complete it.  I was starting to feel insecure again about the fact that I had to have a c-section and couldn't 'cut it' going au naturel with labor, so decided to review what actually happened and I feel much better: [Aka how did Toby enter the world?]

Baby Tobin Emmanuel Brink arrived at 7:15 on November 16th weighing in at 6 lbs 13 oz.  Why did we choose his name?  Tobin means "God is Good' (a form of Tobias) and Emmanuel means "God is with us."  We really believe that the meanings of names are important and over these last few years especially, we believe and know even more that God certainly IS good, and He certainly is always near to us.  Even in difficult times, or when things don't go as we expect God is still good and is our shelter and refuge in the storm.

God's goodness to us and presence for us were also true for us during this particularly challenging labour.  For weeks and months we planned and prayed and hoped that I could be able to deliver Toby naturally instead of by C-section.  We met with specialists who told me there was no reason I shouldn't be able to deliver naturally, I tried to be conscious of posture, we read books, and practiced relaxation and other birthing tactics.  We hoped and expected that this time I didn't have to have such a harrowing birth experience.  THIS time, it would be on our terms and we wouldn't feel bullied or pressured to have a C-section.  THIS time, we were going to have a better experience.

And, although the outcome was not as we hoped, we are certainly glad we gave this labour our best shot and are thankful nonetheless that Toby was born healthy and whole.

Here's how it went down:

I was having a large number of braxton hicks contractions on the night of the 13th but was able to fall asleep.  However, by 4:30 am I couldn't stay in bed anymore because they were too frequent and strong.  From 4:30 am onwards, I was having these braxton hicks- type contracts every 10-15 minutes.  They continued on for awhile but then would stop for awhile.  Frustrating because they would increase especially while lying down so I wasn't really able to rest.  I suggested that Jason work from home just in case since these were a bit stronger than braxton hicks and I wasn't sure what was actually going on.  By 9 I was exhausted- so took a bit of a rest but again, they just increased in intensity every time I laid down.  We went out for a walk in the early afternoon thinking that maybe this would either pick up the pace of things or not which it didn't seem to. They were just as erratic.  Once we got home I had some lunch and watched some funny internet clips for awhile and Jason worked while Silas slept.  While sitting and watching they got stronger and more frequent.  By this point they were every 8 minutes or so apart and continued that way for quite awhile.  By the time Silas woke up around 3 we had called the midwife and called my Dad to come get Silas as it seemed that they were getting stronger, were definitely NOT braxton hicks, and more frequent.  They were every 6-8 minutes apart and already fairly strong.  When the midwife arrived she checked me and said I was maybe 1 cm dilated, but maybe this was not labor so to try and rest and see what happened...  We did have my dad take Silas though (and thank the Lord we did!)

Soon after the midwife left the contractions really started to increase in strength and intensity.  I ate some dinner and tried to take a bath to calm them down hopefully enough so that I could get some rest (since it was around 8 and looked like it was going to be a long night!) but they didn't seem to calm down at all.  Stronger, more frequent, more intense...labour was certainly happening for real.  I really tried to stay calm, breathe, relax, and Jason and I did a lot to keep me in that state.  We walked around, we tried a variety of different positions, listened to some relaxing music we'd picked ahead of time, read scriptures that are real encouragements to me, prayed, and I mainly just tried to breathe.  By the time we called the midwife again at around 11 pm or so I was unfortunately only maybe 2/3 cm  dilated.  We decided to try and wait another 2 hours or more at home before thinking about going to the hospital.

Strong. Hard. Lots of work.  Labour was full bore.  By the time we checked me again I was around 5 centimeters and the midwife said everything looked really good.  My bag of waters was 'bulging' the head was lower, and I had progressed!  SO, even though things were getting very intense and the thought of getting in a car was not a pleasant one, we packed up and headed to the hospital around 2 am.  I breathed, I grabbed the uh-oh handle in the car like I had with Silas and somehow made it.  We got there, and I was optimistic that a. I wasn't going to use drugs and b. I was going to make it!  However, it was H.A.R.D. work to stay calm with the intense, intense and frequent contractions.  This time around, like last time, I had quite a bit of back pain.  But so far it looked like Toby was in the 'right' position instead of as posterior as Silas so that was encouraging.

I tried a bath in the hospital, different positions, continued to drink lots and stayed as calm as I could.  Next time the midwife checked me, another 2 hours later, after about 23 hours of labour at this point, I was less dilated, and the baby was higher up than before.  Huge. Downer.  At this point, after having strong contractions every 2-3 minutes for the last number of hours, this news took my focus and determination away.  I couldn't do this anymore if this is how it was going to be.  The midwife was convinced that since I was becoming less dilated, I had to try something else and an epidural was the best option.  I couldn't carry on as intense as it was for much longer without it.  SO, we called the anesthesiologist, I started to suck back the gas, and waited for him to arrive.  He came, did the epidural, and it didn't work!  I was still feeling the contractions on one half of my body.  It was horrible.  SO he had to do a whole other one.

Side note: mid-epidural I had been sucking back the gas so much I got ridiculously woozy, light-headed and so relaxed that I was laughing hysterically. It felt amazing and was a light break to the pain and intensity of the moment.  

After I got the second epidural, at this point it was about 2 hours later and I was still not dilating.  And, JUST as with Silas, not only was Toby not descending and I was becoming less dilated, but with the epidural on board he started having heart decelerations.  This is exactly what happened with Silas.  Scary stuff. The midwife got really worried when his heart rate started dipping so much so had to call the OB right away.  After hearing about my case: 27 hours of labour, going backwards in dilation (now only 3/4 centimeters), the head going up, Toby exhibiting signs of stress, and  now repositioning himself to be upside down like Silas = game over.

C section.

After all my careful planning, reading, practicing, hoping, praying, dreaming, I was at the end of the road again.  At this point however I knew two things: 1. I didn't want to have a better 'experience' of labour at the cost of my son's life or health and 2. I knew that I had done everything I could  to make it happen how I hoped it would.  I ate, I drank, I rested, I stayed calm and focused, I stayed positive, I stayed at home as long as I could, I walked, I stayed upright, I changed positions...  I did it all.  We didn't need to get induced, I was before my due date which was a great + for having a VBAC, my uterus continued contracting so I didn't need augmentation with drugs which would have caused greater risk for complications with a VBAC and well, I laboured mostly without drugs and the outcome?  The same as with Silas.  Almost exactly.  It wasn't even that Toby was a different size- he was only 1 oz bigger so that wasn't the issue.  I kind of resigned myself at that point that apparently, I just can't deliver a baby.

It was still a scary journey to the C-section suite.  They were very concerned for Toby, the OB seemed to take forever to come, and the epidural started to wear off making me ultra concerned but Toby was okay and I was okay.

Overall I'm very thankful.

Where I saw God's grace:
1. I had to be in the recovery suite for 2 hours, alone, seperate form Toby and Jason because of hospital policy so I couldn't breastfeed right away
  however: I had great nurses and had no issues breastfeeding even though there was a long delay
2. I had to stay in the hospital for 4 days, which we didn't plan
  however: friends and family helped watch Silas, visited, brought food, and we felt very supported and blessed
3.  I had a hard and long C-section recovery with tons of incision pain and it's still not completely healed
 however: Jason had a pre-booked paternity leave which was a God-send, we had such a great time with friends visiting, being showered with gifts and food, prepping for the holidays and just spending time as a family that it hugely made up for the hard recovery
4. Even though the outcome of labour was not as I hoped, Jason was so incredibly supportive, and I am so thankful that I was able to stay calm, focused, and positive.  I am generally at peace with the c-section and that, in itself is an answer to prayer.
5. I live in a country where I CAN have a c-section.  After watching some horrific documentaries about obstetrical fistulas and women losing babies and developing long-term physical complications after obstructed labours like my own, I am so very thankful that I live where I live and worry/pray for women who live in places where they cannot have c-sections.
6.  Toby is turning out to be a tricky baby, fussy, not falling asleep in the day well
 however, I am more relaxed [generally] and optimistic  this time knowing that this season won't be too hard for too long, and I can't complain because Toby only feeds once between 11pm and 7am due to a wonderfully helpful husband!
7. I am finished with my injections!  (Yahoo!!! 250 blood thinner shots later and no blood clots in pregnancy!)

And the biggest, and best, and greatest gift so far is a wonderfully healthy baby boy [thank you Lord] and a bonus gift that I wasn't expecting but am so ever, ever grateful for is that I am sleeping okay and that my thyroid levels so far have remained normal [thank you, thank you Jesus].

God is most certainly good and God was and continues to be with us.