Heart Strings

There are a lot of things about motherhood that come as a surprise.  

Oh, you read the books, you see your friends doing it, it looks a certain way on the surface.  But there are all these hidden things that you learn along the journey that no one really tells you about.

A recent discovery is the hidden string that is knotted from your heart to the life of your child.  

They get hurt?  Twang.  Your heart is pulled, tugged, grabbed by this invisible line.  They are scared?  Twang.  You realize that they woke up in the night and were sick and you didn't know?  Twang.  You accidentally bang their head against the car door?  Twang.

Then there's this tugging and pulling as your child needs you less or you are away from them.  The line is still there.  You think about them, you want to hold them, you miss them, and your heart is bending towards them.  You are connected in so many ways to your child even when you can't see them.

I've started back at work and I took on a lot more than we originally 'planned.'  Right now it's an extra lot because I'm orientating to two different jobs at the same time.  I went from being home every day with the kids, to be away from them most days.  

It's hard for my heart.  I am done my long 12 hour shift and I'm like a mean, mad, frantic driver racing home to see my babies before they are in bed.  My heart finally relaxes as I enter the door and a little face brightens, and chubby feet and legs race towards me. 

[Twang] I missed them.

I hadn't really fully weaned Toby before going back to work and I realized today that the hardest thing about letting go is the recognition that Toby doesn't really need it, or doesn't really need me in the same way he once did.  He's growing up.

Oh, he's still 1.  But there's this pulling of my heart now in a new way than before.  Toby must be so sad I'm gone all day, he's probably crying and lonely.  He's probably miserable and freaking out because I'm not there to put him to bed, to feed him and hold him.  [I come through the door] Oh.   He was fine.  He didn't need me.  He wasn't crying all day.  He's happy and healthy and glad to see me, but fine.  Oh.  [Twang]

Do any other mothers know what I mean?  You go a bit bonkers sometimes when you're with them all day, every day, but when you are away from them that string is tugging all the same.  You worry, you wonder, you pray.  Your heart bends, it aches, it leans, it pulls, it throbs, and it moves with the swaying of that little life.