Attention

Blah.  Okay Moms, this post is for you.  Ever just feel like your senses are overloaded with noise and you literally have no more attention to give, to anything or anyone?  I need noise canceling headphones.  I need a nap.  I just need peace and quiet.  FOR FIVE MINUTES.

Am I alone here? Maybe it's just me, but lately I am just frustrated.  Does everyone need my attention, at every moment?  Oh yes.  Everyone does.  

I mean, I'm only human, little dictators!  Can you not see that I currently am up to my eyebrows in baby poop and simply cannot watch you do the same trick, for the 50th time, and provide any additionally useful commentary?  "Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy."  "Watch me!  Watch me!  WATCH ME!  MOMMY" 

Child, I cannot.

And watching WHILE multitasking does not count.  Why is that?  I mean, can't I kind of watch you and also change a diaper, or chop something for dinner, or fold laundry?  

Nope.  

My children are onto me.  They need me to have my entire body stilled with my eyes, unblinking, watching their every move in case I miss one millisecond.  Or else they must repeat the same stunt all over again. "You are not watching,"  "You are not listening."  YES I AM, but I am also needed elsewhere at the same time.

"You're not watching."  
"Yes I am, I am staring at you, I have remained looking in the same direction for 2 minutes" 
"MOMMY, WATCH ME" 
"I AM!!!!!!  JUST DO THE THING" 

Help. Me.

There's the baby not sleeping, ever.  There's the boys fighting with each other "that song is sad," "no it's not, it's happy."  "Mommy, Toby says it's a sad song and it's not!!!"  Toby, "No.  I am not listening." Snarl. Growl. Pout.  Groan.  Cry.  [Toby starts hitting himself, cause that's his new thing.  Yup, you read that right.  He gets mad so he starts hitting his leg.  Why do children do this?]  

Ummm.

Can we really not fight about this, please?  Cause Mommy is tired.  TIR-ED and I simply cannot pay attention to all of y'all at the same time.  

Don't you love how children have NO ability to notice the fact that you MIGHT actually be occupied by something other than themselves?  Like, I could be in the middle of a life and death situation, or in the middle of cleaning up another puke disaster and Silas would still be like "mommy, mommy, mommy, watch me.  I'm doing this cool trick.  Watch, WATCH."  

I have started simply just saying "no."  Isn't that terrible?  "No, I can't watch you do that trick."  "I am busy." "Show your brother."

But then, said brother, purposely looks away, runs away, covers his eyes "I WON'T WATCH."  Oh joy. Let's fight about that now, shall we?

Then I'm having to make Toby watch, "watch Silas, Toby, WATCH HIM"  

Oh my.  We're falling apart in here.

Attention, attention.  Everyone needs it, simultaneously. Meanwhile, I am stressing internally about the fact that my kitchen is infested with fruit flies, that I have to make a major decision about when and where I'm going back to work, and I have had to pee for over an hour, and why does Fiona still have a cough after 3 weeks, and when am I supposed to get her to the doctor for immunizations, and...

GAH.  I just want to escape.  Tune out.  Disengage.  

But no.  I need to do the complete opposite.  Throw myself back in the ring, pick myself up off the ground and face another day, another moment, another hour of careful attention and discipline.  Pick up baby, re-insert soother, wonder why she is STILL not sleeping after another crappy 15 minute nap.  Watch the trick again and again, with applause and 'oohs' and 'aahhhs.'

Lord have mercy.  I'm learning how to love these little ones but it's gonna take every ounce of me.  I'm being trained to love, to give, to provide, even when I don't want to.  Loving hurts, it costs, and it strips away self. Painful, but good.  SO good.