I could look back over the last ten years and ramble on about all the things I did and yet want to do. The places I went and long to go. I was planning to, you know me, make another list or two.
But today I put on a different lens.
And all I see, all I see when I look back along this path
is grace.
Undeserved love.
I soared on great heights. I saw beauty unfathomable. I crawled through dark valleys. I limped.
But I don't see those moments, those seasons.
All I see is His presence.
With me.
Through it all.
And I could weep for joy- not because of the good times, and not despite the bad times but because He has never let me go. Not once.
So many holy moments.
Barren of the trivial, penetrated by the presence of the One who has loved me from the beginning of my days here.
Today I choose to remember:
That day. Vows. Worship. The day that my hopes, my prayers, my yearnings, were met in a beautiful union. My husband, besides salvation- the greatest gift I have ever received. And You were there beaming with joy.
I remember for the first time, washing hands, face, feet, of the dying. Comforting the sick. You were there- drenching me with Your spirit to be poured out of me in love for the broken. I was made to do this. My great life passion awakened- to be like Jesus.
I remember leg raised on the couch, knee bandaged, whimpering in pain. Injured and worried I'd never be able to walk properly again, hike again, run again. Watching and waiting as little by little I was able to move again, bike again, live again. And You were there in the loving hands of my husband, caring for me in all the ways I couldn't care for myself.
I remember pinching pennies, at the bottom of bank accounts, worrying we would never make ends meet. Feebly trusting and still giving away, scraping at the bottom of the pan and You were there. You provided.
I remember knees trembling, baggage in hand, giving up comfort to be face to face with the poor and needy. And You were there, bowing me low to the dust. Giving me Your eyes and Your heart and Your joy- the joy You had in giving up Your life to serve those in far off lands.
I remember veins clogged with clots, again, fear seizing my heart. New diagnosis. Would I have children? Injecting my belly daily with sharp, painful needles. And You were there reminding me that even this, even THIS was in Your hands.
I remember flesh of my flesh, being born. The panic, the anxiety, the emergence, the relief, the beauty, the awe, the reality of this new life come from my life. You were there, marvelling with me over ten perfect fingers and toes. Carrying my burdens, my pains, my sorrows, my hopes and dreams close to Your heart.
I remember being curled up on the couch, being swallowed in the greatest and deepest darkness of depression. The night of my soul. So thick, so dark, so heavy I didn't think I would ever see dawn. Nights upon endless nights of sleeplessness. And You brought me back from the dead. You gave me hope that one day things would be different, and they are.
Every memory I have - skinned knees, broken heart, sorrow, humility, joy, love...every corner of my life: You were there. Your grace. Your love. Your hope. Your light. My life has been lived in the shadow of Your presence.
And I am so thankful.
That is what I look forward to and what I look back over: a landscape of love. Not without valleys and swamps and deserts and lowlands, not without peaks and mountaintops, waterfalls and gardens...His light shining over it all.
So 30 is just another day. Just another moment in a lifetime lived within His love. Praise God.
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