Attention

Blah.  Okay Moms, this post is for you.  Ever just feel like your senses are overloaded with noise and you literally have no more attention to give, to anything or anyone?  I need noise canceling headphones.  I need a nap.  I just need peace and quiet.  FOR FIVE MINUTES.

Am I alone here? Maybe it's just me, but lately I am just frustrated.  Does everyone need my attention, at every moment?  Oh yes.  Everyone does.  

I mean, I'm only human, little dictators!  Can you not see that I currently am up to my eyebrows in baby poop and simply cannot watch you do the same trick, for the 50th time, and provide any additionally useful commentary?  "Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy."  "Watch me!  Watch me!  WATCH ME!  MOMMY" 

Child, I cannot.

And watching WHILE multitasking does not count.  Why is that?  I mean, can't I kind of watch you and also change a diaper, or chop something for dinner, or fold laundry?  

Nope.  

My children are onto me.  They need me to have my entire body stilled with my eyes, unblinking, watching their every move in case I miss one millisecond.  Or else they must repeat the same stunt all over again. "You are not watching,"  "You are not listening."  YES I AM, but I am also needed elsewhere at the same time.

"You're not watching."  
"Yes I am, I am staring at you, I have remained looking in the same direction for 2 minutes" 
"MOMMY, WATCH ME" 
"I AM!!!!!!  JUST DO THE THING" 

Help. Me.

There's the baby not sleeping, ever.  There's the boys fighting with each other "that song is sad," "no it's not, it's happy."  "Mommy, Toby says it's a sad song and it's not!!!"  Toby, "No.  I am not listening." Snarl. Growl. Pout.  Groan.  Cry.  [Toby starts hitting himself, cause that's his new thing.  Yup, you read that right.  He gets mad so he starts hitting his leg.  Why do children do this?]  

Ummm.

Can we really not fight about this, please?  Cause Mommy is tired.  TIR-ED and I simply cannot pay attention to all of y'all at the same time.  

Don't you love how children have NO ability to notice the fact that you MIGHT actually be occupied by something other than themselves?  Like, I could be in the middle of a life and death situation, or in the middle of cleaning up another puke disaster and Silas would still be like "mommy, mommy, mommy, watch me.  I'm doing this cool trick.  Watch, WATCH."  

I have started simply just saying "no."  Isn't that terrible?  "No, I can't watch you do that trick."  "I am busy." "Show your brother."

But then, said brother, purposely looks away, runs away, covers his eyes "I WON'T WATCH."  Oh joy. Let's fight about that now, shall we?

Then I'm having to make Toby watch, "watch Silas, Toby, WATCH HIM"  

Oh my.  We're falling apart in here.

Attention, attention.  Everyone needs it, simultaneously. Meanwhile, I am stressing internally about the fact that my kitchen is infested with fruit flies, that I have to make a major decision about when and where I'm going back to work, and I have had to pee for over an hour, and why does Fiona still have a cough after 3 weeks, and when am I supposed to get her to the doctor for immunizations, and...

GAH.  I just want to escape.  Tune out.  Disengage.  

But no.  I need to do the complete opposite.  Throw myself back in the ring, pick myself up off the ground and face another day, another moment, another hour of careful attention and discipline.  Pick up baby, re-insert soother, wonder why she is STILL not sleeping after another crappy 15 minute nap.  Watch the trick again and again, with applause and 'oohs' and 'aahhhs.'

Lord have mercy.  I'm learning how to love these little ones but it's gonna take every ounce of me.  I'm being trained to love, to give, to provide, even when I don't want to.  Loving hurts, it costs, and it strips away self. Painful, but good.  SO good.

Heart Leaf

I have this little boy.  He's not so little anymore.  He can ride a bike without training wheels, write his alphabet, and get his own cereal in the morning.  He's growing up and in most ways, I couldn't be happier.  I love his newfound independence.  I love watching him feel pride in building something from his imagination, or asking profound and thoughtful questions, or 'teaching' his brother something he feels he is the expert in. He tries to mask his little-ness.  He says big words and asks big questions and is puffed up by his great and mighty skills compared to his 'littler' brother Toby.

He tries to hide behind a bigger boy version of himself, but sometimes, the little boy comes popping out again.  Sometimes, I see this innocence and sweetness that I just want to capture and keep in my heart forever.  Cause I know that this little boy will one day be completely overtaken by a big boy, and then engulfed by a teenaged boy, and then be replaced with a man.

For example:
Weeks ago I went for a walk and wanted to communicate to Silas how I think about him and love him and how God loves him.  As I was walking along I saw these little leaves, which are everywhere, and look like little hearts.  I knew he'd like one.  So I came home from my walk and said to him, "Look what I found in the forest Silas!  These hearts were everywhere!  It's like God wanted to show us how much he loved us and hid hearts all over the forest so we won't forget!"

I guess that little lesson stuck.  Cause now, whenever we are out, Silas finds heart leaves. He hides them behind his back and comes running up to me with a huge grin and says, "look mom!  A heart leaf!"

And a few weeks back, the little boy Silas came along for a hike with J and I.  He gathered as many little heart leaves as he could in his hands and proclaimed "look at all this love, Mom!"  He was running along the path proclaiming, "so much love!"  "love everywhere!"  "And guess what?  God knows just how many heart leaves there are in all the world!"

'So much love.'  Only a boy can win over his Mom with words like that.

You are deeply loved, little boy, now and forever.

Bliss

So, three months ago I had a baby.  Here we are.  I have to say, I am breathing a little easier.  The third month is sheer bliss compared to the Everest of the first weeks post-partum.  It doesn't matter if it's your first time or your 7th, I dunno, I feel like those first two months are HARD.  The baby arrives, you're relieved to not be pregnant, but you're hurting and limping and at the beginning of a marathon.  Rocking, holding, soothing, nursing, carrying, gah!  

Oh man, I do not miss the raw feeling of a newborn to my chest.  I realized today, that I only really 'wake up' to my baby at three months.  Maybe it's different for some of you.  But for me, I am so caught up in my own physical agony and just trying to get sleeping and nursing figured out that I don't even really see my child.  I mean, I see her, but I don't see her.  

But at 3 months, when I don't feel like I am just inches above the water, fighting not to drown, I am floating along and in a sea of three month old bliss.  Her eyes.  Her smile.  Her sweet coos.  She holds her head up.  I've figured out when she needs to nurse, when she needs to nap, when she needs to be held.  She goes to sleep on her own. And all of a sudden I'm feeling human again.  

Sigh.  I like it here.  Pre-teething, pre-finger feeding, post-nipple-trauma, post-c-section-recovery, pre-mobile, 3 month old baby bliss.  

Of course, there are still moments of insanity, but all of a sudden I see this little life and I am in awe.  I mean, you fit in me, just a few short months ago?  You were once just a wrinkly, noisy, little demanding thing and now you are this beautiful personality coming alive in my arms?  I haven't hurt you yet, I haven't yelled at you yet, I haven't had to say sorry yet, you haven't been sick...you are perfect and I wish we could stay floating along for awhile right here. 

So you and me, precious Fiona, we'll sail along together enjoying this lovely little season. I'll chat with you, you'll smile and coo with me, I'll meet your needs, and you'll be satisfied.  Don't change, k?  I'm not ready for the rapids, or the waves, or the fight to stay afloat again.  

Today, we'll just chat and sing together and let tomorrow and all it's changes worry about themselves, k sweet one?

Getting a Divorce from Stuff

I am not sure what is going on.  Is it hormonal?  Seasonal?  Spiritual? A virus?  I'm going to call it "reverse-nesting-syndrome."  I have basically decided I don't want anymore stuff.  Ever.  

[Do you hear me, stuff? Don't you dare come crawling back to me, claiming "you'll do better this time" or that "you've changed."  It's over. You and me are done.  Collect your things and move out.  I want a divorce.  We cannot be friends.  I'm over you].

I literally am physically and emotionally weighed down by the stuff in my home.  Does this happen to anyone?   Maybe it's the addition of another little human and all the boxes of clothes that came with her.  Or maybe it's the baby stuff that made it's way from garage storage to floor space (read: swings, play-mats, chairs, bumbo etc) but our home is full.  So full, in fact that I am throwing away random things because I cannot stand to look at them anymore.  

At any point in the day you may in fact find me: 

• pacing the floor frenetically searching for more things to throw in the garbage
• taking pictures of random household things to put on craigslist
• moving things from upstairs, to downstairs, to cupboards, and then back upstairs again
• rifling through paperwork
• hiding toys away from the boys so I can sell them in our garage sale

or 

• madly going through children's clothing (I had 12, that's right, TWELVE boxes of boys clothes for under the age of 2.  This is not normal.  This is not right).

Everything is game.  Random fridge door items that we will probably never eat?  Garbage.  Un-matched pairs of socks?  Garbage.  Old textbooks, paperwork, and sentimental material?  Recycled.  Books on the shelf we have already read? Selling them. Pants I hope to one day fit again, but are really old anyways?  Thrift store.

This is the longest time we've ever lived anywhere and I can't believe how quickly we have accumulated.  Not that it's all junk, and not that we are pack rats.  We have had a garage sale every year for the past 3 years and I give stuff away all the time.  AND, I use and re-use a lot of things.  Old cotton balls?  Craft.  Old stickerbook?  Quiet time activity. Little bottles of shampoo stolen from hotels?  Used up.  But somehow, we keep getting more.  We're not even buying it!  It just appears: on our doorstep, dropped off from random 'thoughtful' people at preschool, from neighborhood fairs, and so on and so on.  

Thing is, I don't want your junk!  I think I will start politely declining when people offer their old toys, books, and clothes.  It's hard though, because the dutch side of our family has rubbed off and there is always this nagging, "but what if we use that, someday?"  Or there's the "once a year" items that we pull out, literally, once a year.  But you see, this is taking up mental room!  It stresses me out!  Then I forget I have it, miss the tiny window when I might have used it, and then it gets put back in a box for when another child might use it one day. 

Think of all the time we spend managing our stuff.  Does anyone else think this is not right?

I literally sat there drooling over this video the other day.  Tiny home? Imagine.  Everything having it's place. Wow. Nothing extraneous.  One jacket.  One spatula.  One box of pencils. Who are these people?  I like them.  

So.  Stuff beware.  Your time is coming.  I will find you, wherever you are hiding.

Any tips for organizing stuff so that one does NOT spend their ENTIRE life processing it, please let me know.  Anyone have paperless systems they want to share?  Thoughts about what to do with old photo albums?  Do people keep yearbooks?  

How do YOU manage stuff so that it doesn't rule your life?

Fiona

My sweet little sprite is almost 3 months old.  Fiona, dear pixie, here is what I know about you so far:

1. Your smile fills your entire face.  It is huge and bold, and lights a room with sunshine.
2. You love to talk.  My chatty little girl already.  As long as Mommy is right up in your face, whale speaking, you are sing-songing and cooing along with me.  
3. You are a tricky little one.  You take some fancy tricks to keep you asleep at nap time, but I'm onto you...
4. You nap for a solid 2-3 hours every afternoon with my persistent efforts. Thank you. Mommy needs that time with her boys.
5. You're an explosive one.  Lovely pink girly accessories?  There is not a single type of clothing you can't erupt out of.  You are one messy girl.
6. You love to be carried, but this Mama's back is suffering. You don't love to sleep in the car seat and you prefer to sleep at home, in a bed, or on someone.  
7. Your brothers are gaga over you.  They fight over where to put you during dinner so they can both see you, they kiss you at random, and sing "Fiona" songs all day.  You are a lucky gal.
8. You are a feisty one.  You kick and fidget and move.  You have discovered the jolly jumper and I can already tell it will be your second home (after your Mom's arms).
9.  You have got the most sparkly blue eyes, and reddish hair.  
10. I cannot help myself, I want to eat your sweet cheeks everyday.
11. You share Toby's dimples and fair skin but I can already tell you've got the social, active Silas character.  Or maybe, you're a bit in-between.  Can't wait to unravel your beautiful personality.

 Look how much you've already grown!

72 Vancouver Summertime Family-Fun Activities

Taken recently at Whytecliffe Park, West Vancouver.  Awesome place to explore.

Another summer ahead which means lists.  OKAY.  No it doesn't.  But for me, having a bunch of fun ideas up my sleeve is so helpful.  The catch is, we need people to do these things with us because these adventures are always better in community.

So, let's make some plans.

1. Daddy and boys camp out (Brae Island?)  Any other dads with their boys want to join Jason for a night?
2. Go to the Richmond night market. Took pictures with a giant, british duck, witnessed the hilarity of attempted zorbing on water, ate deep fried cheesecake, and street meet.  
3. Evening walk up to Menchies. Great that they have dairy free options for Silas, Toby and I!  
4. Swim in this pool in Stanley Park. Or another outdoor pool. Not sure what we'll do with Fiona...
5. Lynden, Washington's City Park.  The park of a 'million smiles.'
6. Go to the Celebration of Lights. Many a childhood memory was spent waiting on the beach for hours, and playing 'sardine' in the crowds afterwards.  We. Need. A. Date. Night.
7. Upright paddle boarding in False Creek!  Groupon is bought!  Can't wait to do this with Jason.
8. Go to a festival.  Canada day?  International festival? Yay Walnut Grove Family Festival!  Pony rides, bouncy castle and lemonade.
9. Fly our kite.  We bought one years ago in the Oregon coast and have yet to show the kids.  Maybe Vanier Park?  False Creek?
10. Build a sand castle.  Like, a cool one.
11. Go Geocaching.  The boys would love this!
12. Pick berries at Krause, enjoy some corn pizza (amazing) and make jam (like a ton) to stock up for the year.  
13. Camping with our life group!
14. Make water balloons.
15. Ride on a boat with the boys.  Okay, who has a boat?Got to go on their uncle's 'speed boat' and try out tubing!  So fun.
16. Bike around the seawall.  Silas has no training wheels and Toby is rocking the strider.  Any suggestions for Fiona?  She's still a bit too small...
17. VBS for the boys.  Any suggestions? Silas went to Earth Explorers preschool camp.  So fun!  Except now he's afraid of tornadoes?
18. Hike at deep cove or Buntzen Lake.
19  Ice cream from the ice cream truck.
20. Enjoy Frappucinos, slurpees, or smoothies.  
21. Set up a lemonade stand.  Silas would totally go for this.At our Garage Sale Silas was quite the salesman- although he sold more rice krispie squares and cookies than lemonade.
22. Swim in Sasamat lake and hang out at White Pine Beach for the day.
23. Ride a ferry.  
24. Centennial park - check it out (I've heard good things)
25. Host a block party and/or BBQ.
26. No shoes day!  This isn't hard, Toby never wears any.
27. Evening swim at a [free] Surrey outdoor pool.
28. Have a water fight.  On a hot afternoon I decided it was pointless to try and get anything done so the boys and I used squirt bottles, hoses, and little empty shampoo bottles for an awesome waterfight. So. Fun.
29. Side-walk chalk 'bomb' friend's houses [with encouraging messages from the Brinks]
30. Ride the skytrain.
31. Make a fort in the forest.
32. Have floats.  (Rice ice cream, anyone?)
34. Day trip to the Othello tunnels. 
35. Make popsicles. 
36. Have a garage sale.  Silas is excited about this, and I can't wait to kick more stuff out of our house.
36. Beach day at English Bay or Crescent Beach. 
37. Outdoor movie night.
38. Picnic breakfast!
39. Pick blackberries around our neighborhood.
40. Rock hopping at Golden Ears Provincial Park.
41. Go the zoo.
45. Take the boys to a sporting event of some kind.
46. Picnic at Rocky Point Park. 
47. Deliver jam or berry pies to our neighbors
48. Sleep in a tent in our backyard.
49. Run through the sprinkler. Even better, they went on a trampoline in the sprinkler!
50. Watch Art in the Park- people set up to paint in Stanley Park.
51. Take the boys Rock-wall climbing
52. Magnifying glass and binocular nature walk.  Boys might enjoy this!
53. Bike obstacle course.
54. Feed ducks.
55. Do a Science experiment.Tornadoes in a bottle!
56. Make S'mores
57. Play board games outside.
58. Make it to Deception Pass in Washington
59. House-sit for someone.
60. Trampoline and sprinkler.
61. Participate in a run, a walk, or a bike ride for a good cause (such as this one).
62. Make a new colour play-doh.
63. Have a popsicle party at our house (or a BBQ).
64. Check out Redwood Park in Surrey.  We've heard it's super fun.
65. Fly to Ontario and stay in a cottage for a week with tons of extended family.
66. Catch frogs, snakes or bugs.  Ewww, but I'm up for it.
67. Leave funny faces on trees in a forest trail for other hikers to discover. We saw one in a trail recently and the boys thought it was awesome.  Now to make one with natural ingredients instead of buying one...
68. Outdoor bedtime stories (get a bunch from the library and read them outside before bed).
69. Make bird feeders.
70. Go on a water slide.  If the boys are too little, I think J and I should go on a date night, or does anyone want to do a couples date night where all of us child-rearing adults can go and have some clean fun and go night sliding?   WOULD BE SO FUN. 
71. Make boats and sail them somewhere.
72. Play baseball in the park.

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Hidden Miracles

There have been hidden things that I have been missing.  Treasures, tucked behind everyday things.  

I have been rushing and running, flustered and frantic, harried and worried, frustrated and angry and altogether too preoccupied to really see God's hand in my life.  This has been my 'normal' for too long.  I've missed how God is providing for me, protecting me, helping me, nurturing me, even as I am poured out for my children.  His kindness has been all around me, and it's leading me to repentance.

I'm sorry for overlooking your generosity in my life, Lord.

But I've been paying attention lately.  Maybe it's because I am desperate to see.  I have been asking for joy in the everyday for the last 4 years but this cry has just gotten louder and louder over these past months. "Help me have joy today, God.  Help me be present with my kids today, God.  Help me control my anger and frustration, God.  Be near to me, bring me life, help me not to miss my own life by rushing past it!"

And let me tell you, there have been hidden miracles.  Moments every day where I am seeing the hand of God in my life.  Grace.  Hope.  Truth.  Love.  When I lift my eyes up from the work in my hands, when I pick up my head to look past my self-sufficiency, I see Him:

An empty day ahead and a friend texts "hey, want to come over for a play-date?"
Giving away a meal, only to have a friend surprise me and come by with another one.
Having a disastrous walk home from an ambitious trip to Church and a friend arriving mysteriously to help drive some over-tired kids home.
An activity that keeps the kids more occupied than I expected.
A whispered, breathy secret in my ear from my toddler "I love you all day, Mommy." 
A soft coo from my baby with a wide grin as I chat with her.
A curious question from my preschooler.  
Beauty capturing my heart.
Shared meals, shared home, deeper connections with friends.
Grace for that tantrum, patience for that predicament, peace for an empty day on the calendar and rain outside.

Jesus, you are rescuing me from my own bad attitude.  From my own ungratefulness.  I want abundant life in You and I am finally seeing it spring forth.  Moment, by moment, by moment, by moment.  As I call, you answer.  You bring life to the desert and I am so thankful.  Today, I will choose again to see YOU in all the hidden places of the mundane. Your grace is sufficient.