Sleepless

I knew there was a lot to adjust to in new motherhood- however, the WAYS I have had to adjust I never expected. Dealing with insomnia night after night has been sooo frustrating, and I never expected to have issues with it. Since week three I have struggled with getting to sleep or getting back to sleep after feeding Silas. He's been sleeping well- sometimes even for 4 hours straight! But then I'm lying there in bed, staring at the ceiling. This has been a huge trial and hurdle. I have done everything in the book to help me get to sleep- wine, gravol, other sleeping pills, baths, walks, massages, etc etc etc. I feel so helpless and frustrated, and that I'm somehow not 'cutting it' as a mother. I'm supposed to be the one up all night feeding and taking care of Silas so that Jason can get a good nights' rest and go to work the next day and he's often needing to stay up to put him back to sleep or feed him a bottle of expressed milk just so I can somehow manage to get a minimum amount of sleep. When will this end????? I can't nap (have never been able to...) I just pray and hope that this doesn't go on forever and that Silas somehow manages to start sleeping longer in the night cause I'm not sure how long I can manage like this.

Who knew that sleep could be so difficult to achieve? I have never struggled with it before in my life- used to hit the pillow and I'd be out. Now I often sleep lightly- dreaming like crazy, restless. Or I lie there waiting for him to feed again so I have an excuse to be awake. I never knew the lack of sleep could have such ramifications on my life. The nights I sleep, I have the most amazing days afterwards. The sun is shining, I'm smiling and productive, loving my son and my life. The nights I don't sleep I'm emotional the next day, unproductive and lazy, impatient with my son, and generally discouraged and weepy.

Ugh. I never knew this was going to be a factor in new parenthood. I knew that I would get less sleep- but 2 hours a night sometimes? Lord help me.