Back to Work

One whole year (thank God for Canada) at home and now IT is upon me.

Back to work.

I remember being very excited about this with Silas.  I remember feeling thrilled to use my nursing skills, relieved that I could have a few days out of the house, and I remember that at first it was hard- but then it was no problem.

This time?

I mainly feel overwhelmed.  It's been a 4 month frustrating, praying, discerning, waiting process of trying to find a part-time situation that would work for the kids and us.  I finally found two great part time jobs, but that means orientating to two new jobs.  At the same time.  Over Christmas.

Did I mention I haven't weaned Toby yet? Gulp.

I have had a few emotional ups and downs over these past few days trying to cope with all the changes ahead.  I've Worried.  I've tried not to worry.  I've been anxious.  I've tried not to be anxious.  I've stayed up late being harried and frantic: trying to organize myself without giving myself an ulcer.

I remind myself:
The kids will be fine.
I will be fine.
I will feel like an idiot for awhile but then I will learn the ropes again.
I will feel guilty at times when something's going on with the boys and I can't be there.
And every night, I'm sure, I will speed home (within legal limits) and get excited about the thought of seeing 4 little limbs running over themselves to greet me at the door.

It's hard, already, being a working Mom.  Half of me feels silly for not advancing in my career more.  Half of me feels guilty for leaving the kids at all.  I guess I should always shoot for 50% contentment?!

I was told that you cannot simultaneously feel fear and gratitude at the same time.  And that frantically thinking about something doesn't change it.  It will be what it will be.  I will have to accept whatever the new normal is.  So to counter the rising emotional wave of agony and anxiety rising up in me, I will hold tight to the many things I have to be thankful for:

• Awesome friends and family willing and able to take care of the boys so we have to pay minimal childcare costs. 
• An incredibly involved and supportive husband who is more than capable and able to watch the kids while I'm away
• Jobs to return to- so that I can help pay for our living costs
• A new opportunity to teach students at BCIT- so excited.
• Fun, already planned Christmas advent activities to distract the kids, entertain the caretakers, and get us all focused on what really matters instead of my absence
• Healthy boys
• An incredible career, which I love, to return to.

This weekend Jason is away.  But it's also my last weekend with the kids before work starts.  So rather than dread his absence, I'm gonna choose to wring out every drop of the weekend.  I'm gonna savor all the moments, cherish all the snuggles, and live in all the moments with them and not worry about what's over the next hill.

Or at least, I'll try.