The highway of my life is thick with traffic. I'm not yet wearied, I'm right in the tension of the goodness of hard work and the terror of "is this too much?" I'm pushed, I'm stretched, I'm running, I'm breathing heavy but I'm alive and it feels good. I consider myself to be blessed to be counted on, to be used, to be growing. I am loving the ridiculous load of things on my plate but find the greatest blessing on my knees: "God, I can't teach this class this week! God, I can't face this conflict at work. God, I can't face this 3 year old without losing my temper."
My mind is spent, my body is tired, but my spirit is energized, and I soldier on.
How does a mother, a wife, a teacher, a nurse, a friend, a learner, an event planner, a ministry leader, find green pastures? In the whirr of thoughts, in the pounding of feet on pavement, in the thinking and planning, helping and serving, worrying and researching...
...there is a grace.
A grace I remember when I see spring buds blooming. A grace in the impish face of my 1 year old. A grace in the visit of a friend, in the moments of pure laughter with jumping, running boys. A grace in a sweet walk with my husband.
A grace in the arms of my savior.
This grace carries me as I fumble and fret, make mistakes and get back up again. I am growing and the grace of Him waters my soul. It's okay that I am not perfect. Have I ever admitted that to myself before? It's okay that my growth is a process. Why have I never seen this? It's okay that I'm not done yet.
Maybe for the first time in my life, I feel released from fear that I might not perform as well as I had imagined. I'm teaching first year university students and most weeks I am barely hanging on. What a ride! What a learning curve! What mistakes I've made (and they've told me). I'm humbled, overwhelmed but strangely unafraid. My performance doesn't dictate God's love for me. I can be free to learn, to grow, to develop, to work harder than I have before.
But in the crazy work there is a quiet. A stillness. A knowledge deep inside that I am loved. In the busyness, in the sweating and planning, there is freedom to grow without fear of failure.
Grace. Sweet Jesus, I love your grace.
What a beautiful articulation of the grace of Jesus living and flowing through you to the many you pour out to. My spirit is encouraged in my own journey to read this!
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