Some Days

Some days are better stuffed in a bag, thrown in the corner, and jumped on.

I don't meant to sound so negative, (positive thinking and all that).   Yes I need to be more thankful, yes I need to find joy in this season, but on a day like today, "be more________ [insert any positive quality]" just sounds even more impossible.  I'm barely surviving the day, let alone accomplishing any great character feat.

"Find joy?"  How about bang my head against the wall until I forget where I am (that sounds more achievable).    

Today was one of those days that having small children feels like a very slow death.  

It should, I suppose.  I want to die to selfishness, to pride, etc.  It should be hard, because it's valuable.  It should be work, because I'm helping shape lives, not play dough.  Parenting should be tiring, because unconditional love requires it to be.  Demands it to be.

But what I would say to today is:

I'm glad you are over.  

Some days I don't know who to be mad at, but I'm just mad.  Mad that it's raining.  Mad that I am stuck looking at my four walls.  Mad that my kids won't stop needing and wanting, fighting and crying, whining and clinging. Mad that I am the one that all the needs rest on.  Mad that I'm mad. 

Some days I am close to screaming, tearing my hair out, bursting into gut-wrenching sobs, or tying my two sons together and leaving the house.  

Some days I just feel bitter.

Some days I wish I was 'out there,' wherever that is, and 'not here.'

Some days I feel like I'm being spun out, pounded down, and run over (twice).   

Some days, I need someone to just come here with me, and say that this is hard, and that it's okay to admit it.  And that I don't have to always love this path I longed for and chose.  

But most days, most days I just feel guilty.  Guilty that I don't love this season.  Guilty that I would even want more children (?) or want to be a force for change in the lives of orphaned and homeless children when I am struggling to love my own.  Guilty because their lives are precious, and if something ever happened to them wouldn't I regret every moment I didn't love them to the fullest?

For now, I'll sit and just be relieved that tomorrow is another day.  More reason to be thankful for His grace as I learn to be gracious, and thankful for His love when I am the least loving.

{Thanks for this post.  It made me laugh and feel human}.