Burn Us Up.

How to follow up a joyful cupcake post with a dreary, heavy-eyed, sleep-deprived post?

8 months.  Yes, that's right.  Almost 8 months of nightly sleep issues.  Have I had even one night free of the weight of my insomnia?

I tried to stop my sleeping pills  last night and it was a disaster.  Thing is, even with the pills I wake often.

Then I get up early in the am, down a few too many cups of coffee, and face another day.

My heart pleads with God to release this suffering from me.

I'm afraid of His answer.  In fact, I'm afraid that His answer will involve a lifetime of struggling with this.

Please no.  I'm breaking out in a sweat even imagining that reality.

Oddly, in more 'bold' moments, I've been so keen as to request that God allow this struggle to remain until I've learned all that He wants me to.

But now, after the waters rise, I want to take that back.

My 'why's' get no answer.  My 'how longs' get no answer.

So here I sit.  Weeping over 2 Cor 4:16-18 again.  "Our present troubles are SMALL and won't last very long.  Yet they will produce a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever.  So we don't look at the troubles we can see now, rather, we FIX our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."

I'm going to carry that one around my neck today.  Or put it on my forehead.  Not sure yet.

Holy Spirit.  Give me the power to surrendor.  To hold my hands out, up, and open.  And, to confess the words of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is ABLE to save us.  He will rescue us from your power, Your majesty.  BUT EVEN IF HE DOESN'T, we want to make it clear to you, Your majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up."

[Translation]:  My enemies of despair, of depression, of independence, of fear, of self-pity....I don't want to bow down to them and worship them as I have in the past.  Even if my God, whom is mighty to save, does not save me from the fires of this insomnia affliction, I need to be able to trust Him, and cling to the promise that He is, at least, with me.

See Shane and Shane's song regarding this passage.  Called Burn Us Up. Powerful.

I wish it wasn't so hard.

Creative Inspiration

I'm getting restless at home.

Really restless.  

So Jason is encouraging me to dream a bit. What would I LIKE my life to look like?  What would I want to do if there were no obstacles?  What dreams do I have?

Tough questions.

Not sure where this soul searching will lead but lately I've been feeling very creatively inspired.  Maybe my future will have something to do with creativity?

So here are my recent creative projects/interests that have me excited about life again:

1. Baking

I've always loved baking, do it all the time.

In fact, I have a sick love of feeding people.

I thought this cupcake craze was silly.  "if EVERYONE's doing it, then why should I?"  (I said that about iphones too).

But I decided to jump on board and made some baby girl cupcakes.  So yummy.  So fun.  Red velvet.  Ooooh, may have to make this a habit now.  Plus, I've been reading a Cupcake blog.   That and watching the Master Chef show has me in the kitchen again.

Recipe from Joy the Baker blog.

Fresh from the oven.

um yeah.  They were delicious.

In hindsight: no gel topping.  They were prettier with just plain white cream cheese frosting.

Delivery was stressful but successful. I know why they're always freaking out on cake reality shows.  

Mmm.  Cupcake project was fun.  Next on the list: Mint Chocolate Chip Cupcakes.  Mouthwatering title.  I know.

2. Card Making

I'm always making cards but sometimes I lack inspiration.

But then Martha rescued me.  Her website is amazing for ideas.  

Here are some of my latest creations since September is THE busiest birthday month for me:

Yarn. On paper.  Who thinks of this?!  It's all Martha.

3.  Sewing (?)

So, I don't have a sewing machine.  But I can sew, with a lot of assistance.  

I have a million cushions that need recovering.  So, in my enthusiasm, I went to the fabric store to buy fabric without bringing any reference colors along.

Big mistake.

Thought: "I can just wing it, no problem, I have a good eye."

Ummm, nope.

Since you can't get small swatches of fabric for free these days (arg) I ended up buying three kinds of fabric, NONE of which match the rooms I want them in.

Dummy.

Not sure what to do now.  I LOVE this one fabric and I want it on some cushions in our bedroom but the wall colour is a lighter green.  What to do.... Buy new fabric?  Or re-paint room?

Here's the fabric:

4. Dream Photography Project

Here's the idea:  

a. get good at photography

b. since I think Silas is THE cutest kid, and needs to start his modeling career, he will be the subject

c. I like making cards, especially ones with funny sayings

d. all together = greeting card line named _____________ (insert snappy title).

Here's a prototype (although, take into account point a above)

says "it's ok to cry."  would be a sympathy card? 

Fun projects.  See where this all leads me...

p.s. Just cause he's cute, here's two recent Silas pictures

Warning, graphic picture ahead (many Cheerios lost their lives in this incident.  Graphic images of gore and victimization ahead):

I swear, I didn't colour coordinate him with his soother (okay, well, maybe subconsciously):

Silas at 7 months

A bit about what Silas has been up to at 7 months...
1. Making friends

Lucas and Silas at Ambleside Park

His monkey (Silas loves eating his face or tail, and squeals with delight every time his monkey is close by!)

His good friend Lorena who is trying to teach Silas to roll and how to produce teeth, but to no avail!  This was during his latest camping expedition to Cultus Lake!

2. Eating and Drinking

Cereal and peas, carrots and squash, baby crackers and applesauce.  Silas' favourites so far seem to be avocado and banana together.  He is SUPER good at making a SUPER mess for mommy to clean up!

He also enjoys eating paper.  (Btw, doesn't his hair look red in this photo?)

He hasn't quite figured out how to drink water- although he enjoys holding his cup and chewing on it!

3. Swimming

Loves his bath, splashing etc.  Although, it has to be SUPER warm.  Can't convince him to go in any lakes as of yet, or in any spray parks.  

But loves his backyard pool.  (his hair is curly in this picture!)

Wrinkly toes from being in his kiddie pool too long!

4. Enforced Tummy Time

Silas is STILL not rolling, despite repeated encouragements and persistently enforced tummy time.  He gets fed up wanting to reach things, smashes his face into the carpet, and cries.  Oh boy.  Here he is doing 'tummy time' on Grandpa!

Tummy time again mom?!

5. Other Activities and Accomplishments

• drooling
• says 'da-da-da-da' pretty well
• re-inserts his own soother!  (sometimes upside down)
• holds books and turns their pages
• naps, almost like clockwork, after every 2 hours of being awake
• sits up like a pro-star
• gets bored easily
• poops like an overachiever
• is a little bit cuddly and a bit stranger shy after he wakes up
• moves all over his crib while sleeping
• has found his boy body parts!

6. Things he finds hysterically funny

• any loud and sudden sounds including (but not limited to): sneezes, coughs, beeps, boops, 'baaahs' and any other sounds his mom can come up with
• eating the couch cushions
• stopping mid feed to put his fingers in his mommy's mouth or up her nose
• peak-a-boo, in general
• being thrown around, put upside down, or any roller-coaster-like motion
• riding on his dad's shoulders
• grabbing faces or sucking on them
• wacking tables with his hands
• kicking, flailing, fidgeting or smacking his mommy 

7. What causes him to have dramatic crying fits 

• whenever anything he wants is taken away
• when he can't have his spoon to hold and chew on at the end of feeding
• when he's bored
• when he's awakened prematurely, or moved while sleeping
• when he's overtired (that is, after his 'hyper-everything-is-hilarious-over-tired' phase)
• when I leave the room
• the vacuum cleaner
• when he is frustrated with tummy time

7 months kiddo.  Each day is getting better!

Almost 7 months?

What? I have an almost 7 month old?  How is that possible?  I find myself getting a bit sentimental these days.  I saw a friend's newborn and couldn't believe how big Silas seemed comparatively.  I have to say though, I'm enjoying this stage.  A lot.

Reasons why this is my favourite stage:
-I don't feel like I am in survival mode all the time
-I can fit pre-pregnancy pants
-I know Silas better, including all those little intuitive things that I always wondered how mom's know (such as when one cry means 'I'm tired' and another cry means 'I'm not ready for bed yet)
-Silas is sleeping most of the night (he just slept from 9:30 pm to 6:30 am and we had to wake him up to feed him)
-Did I mention, Jason and I get to sleep in the same bed again!  Oh the sacrifices...
-Silas is so interactive!  He chatters on and on, I love making him laugh, he's exploring a lot, snuggles up on my shoulder and wants mommy and daddy more than other people (sigh, loving all this)
-Like clockwork...Silas is awake for 2 hours, then goes for a nap.  He's so much easier to read now!
-I can tackle household things and actually accomplish a full task!
-I can leave Silas somewhere for a moment, and he is RIGHT THERE when I come back (I know that this won't last much longer)
-He's so cute (I guess I'll always think this?!  Or at least, until he throws tantrums...)
-On that topic, even when he's reeeally upset, I can usually laugh a little cause he's so dramatic over silly things like putting his clothes on  (I imagine when he's a toddler and crying his eyes out it will be much louder, and much less funny)
-He can almost sit on his own!
-He can feed himself baby mum mums and it's soooo cute
-I LOVE scraping nasty solid-food-poop into the toilet (okay, kidding).
-Oh, and I don't have to check on him every 5 minutes while he's sleeping (I know he's still breathing...okay, I don't NEED to, but I still do once in awhile).

Loving this stage.  I just feel more like me.  I'm still having some issues sleeping but I DO sleep every night.  Praise the Lord.  I'm almost recovered from my crazy postpartum thyroiditis.  I have to say that though the fall out was miserable from the thyroid, I don't mind having lost the extra weight faster because my metabolism was so high.

It's funny because, hypocrite that I am, I was always so flabbergasted how mom's could 'forget' those first weeks and months.  I would ask them "what were they like??"   And most, could hardly remember. "TERRIBLE MOMS, HOW CAN THEY FORGET?"  I would wonder.  Well.  It's true.  I have very little recollection about how exactly we figured things out in the beginning.  I only remember it was hard,it was survival, but now here we are at almost 7 months.  And of course, it was all worth it.  Wow.

All about me [purpose in life]

Been awhile since I took some time to just contemplate.  I am here, again, at the same place I often find myself. Fears and unbelief turn to insecurities, turn to thoughts and questions such as: "What is my purpose in life?"  "Does God have a purpose for me on this earth?" "Why does it seem that so many actually know their purpose, and are living their purpose and it seems I am just carrying on, missing mine?"

I picked up a book, 'Crazy Love' by Francis Chan.  Another Christian book, what might it possibly offer me?  But a few words that spoke powerfully to my sinful self this morning:

"On the average day we live caught up in ourselves.  On the average day, we don't consider God very much.  On the average day, we forget that our life is truly a vapor." p. 39

"How is it possible that we live as though it is about us?" p.43

"Frankly, you need to get over yourself."  p. 44
"The point of your life is to point to Him."  p.44

Ouch.  Point taken.  Even my inquiring about 'my purpose', if I'm honest, is not really a noble nor humble question.  It's a prideful question- what can I achieve, what can I accomplish FOR God.

I am a mist.  A vapor.  An insignificant ant who believes this world revolves around her.  A small point on a small earth in a large, vast universe.  Not to say that what I do doesn't matter, but I am so insignificant in the whole story of history.  I make much of me, when I was born simply to make much of Him.  

Maybe that's the answer to my questions, or maybe not.  Does the what matter about what I do, or does the how?  Since, if I were confined to a bed, I could still honor and love God and be loved, what does it really matter what I do in this life?

And so I repent.  My purpose, as much as I yearn for it to be 'special' and 'unique' of everyone else on this planet, is essentially the same as everyone's:  to give glory to the only One who deserves to be glorified.

Flying with Silas

Today's to do list:
Packing, laundry, cleaning, packing.  (Did I mention 'stress a little?')
I'm worried about flying with Silas tomorrow.  I'm packing lots of stuff for the plane that may help entertain him for his first flight, but am a bit frustrated that they limit you on flights so much these days.  We can't walk up and down the aisles with him, there's no bassinett on this particular flight, nowhere to change him really...  Oh boy.

A little creative task today that I think might help our flying experience tomorrow (my step mom and I came up with this idea).  I made some little 'sorry' bags to hand out to passengers around us.  That's mainly what is stressing me out about flying with Silas- I dread the annoyed looks of people around us if Silas is crying and we can't console him.  So, I've made little baggies with a little poem attached to hand out if Silas starts to get ridiculously loud and obnoxious.  In the baggies are some candies and ear plugs and the poem says this:

We’re sorry for the screaming

this is our son’s first flight,

we kindly ask for your patience,

and compassion for his plight.

To ease your time we offer you,

these earplugs and these snacks

we’ll do our best to muffle him

and hope you can relax!

[Thanks for your understanding

despite the inconvenience of sitting near a

 crying child, hope you have a good trip!]

Hopefully these baggies will not only stop people's dirty looks and anger, but maybe will serve as a way to break the ice with other passengers and have good conversations?  I will tell you how it goes!

Selfish Intentions

J had a late soccer game last night, so these were my selfish plans:

• Watch girlie movie
• Sip a glass of wine
• Eat fresh strawberries and cheesecake
• Have Silas take a nap during said activities

How the evening actually went:

Silas was put down for a nap 20 min before J left at 7:30, I popped in the movie, just sat down with my dreamy dessert and as soon as J left, Silas woke up

• And then he cried
• Then he cried some more
• Tried everything [including feeding, walking with him outside, playing with him, etc etc but nothing settled him]
• I crammed down the cheesecake, kept the movie on pause, and gave up on the wine

10 pm.  Finally asleep.  Left a wake of mess and undone laundry, toys scattered, dinner dishes and cheesecake plates to clean up, carrying me until 11 pm.  Sigh.

So.   Motherhood.  I guess I'm realizing I'm still not ready to give up 'me' time, but I have to anyways.  Some days I just want a day off.  "Okay Silas, have a great day, I'm going out on the town..."  But rise and shine, and here I go again.  Another day of a screaming baby, (teething?) and the realities of my new calling in life.  I keep telling myself that one day I will miss THESE days and wish for them again- when I can just bundle him up close to me and carry him for a walk and when his screaming is not powered by bigger lungs and accompanied by fits on the floor (as with a toddler) or by doors slamming and heated words shouted (as with a teenager).  Today's decision: I'll smile today, and choose to have joy about the many things I can't control or understand with Silas.  I'll shrug, take a walk, forget the laundry and mile long 'to-do' list, and savor consoling my screaming son.  (Or at least, I'll try).

So much to learn in this journey.  So much change and growth that needs to happen in my life.  How to be content in today, how to be selfless in my attention towards my son, how to give up my wants for his needs...the list goes on.  (And so it will, for a lifetime).