a Hurricane Needs to be Held

Like a little hurricane, Silas rages and fits around the house.  He becomes destructive, wreckless, distraught, emotional, and angry.

Then, mid-tantrum, in the eye of the storm there will be this innocent stillness about him.  A moment of recognizing un-met need.  

Silas will stop and whimper:

"Mommy, I need a snuggle."

What looked like fury, was actually fear. Even when all my ugliness is evident, am I loved?  Accepted?  Can I still return to safe arms?  

Would you believe, that at 28 years of age, I'm still a 2 year old?  

My emotions rage, my quick temper flares, my anger bashes against others, and my frustrations blow others away.  

But, If I stop and just look at what is really wrong, if I am just honest with myself I would see that: I just need a snuggle. An internal one.

Unconditional reassurance, love, and acceptance.

To be able to sigh deeply, as Silas does, and rest in bigger arms.

Good thing there is some One who is able to hold this hurricane and calm the storm raging in me.

Miracle

Rewind a month ago.  There was something terribly wrong in my family.  Silas and I were not getting along at all.  I found myself getting so angry and impatient with him all the time.

I was often disciplining out of anger and felt so easily frustrated.  I was often bitter and mean.

Simultaneously, Silas was not only testing boundaries with me constantly, but it was almost like he disdained me.  He was disrespectful, defiant, and rude.  We were in Ontario visiting family and I found myself often crying about our relationship.  I told Jason that I thought I was losing Silas.  Maybe that sounds extreme, but a real fear was growing inside of me, "What am I doing wrong?  Where will this child end up if this is our relationship?  What foundations is my attitude laying for our future?" I know he's 2 but there was some serious walls that I felt like we had between us.  I even found myself saying to Jason that I had a hard time even liking Silas at all.

It was bad.

Then, Silas started over and over saying "I don't like Mommy."  This broke my heart.  He's 2 but he certainly understands what that means.  I really began crying out to God.  Oh, I had prayed for us but it was more like a "Help God, what do I do?  Give me wisdom!"  sort of prayer.

Then a miracle happened.

One day coming back from a family outing, Silas fell asleep in Oma and Opa's van just before coming home. I decided to carry him into the house but halfway inside Silas seemed really cranky so I just sat in the porch swing with him.  

I was just swinging, and holding him, and cuddling him and was amazed to see that he fell asleep.  And a wave of emotion poured through me.  I began crying over our relationship and all it's fractures.  Welling up inside of me was an overwhelming urge that in this special moment, I needed to pray for him, OVER him, and pray for us.

So I sat there.  I rocked him for over an hour and wept over him, prayed out loud for him, sang to him, and spoke scripture to him.  I felt like I needed to reassure Silas of my love for him and my acceptance of him.  I cried out to God and just asked that He break down whatever spiritual divide or emotional divide was between Silas and I.  I prayed for more patience, for more affection, for more graciousness with Silas.  I prayed that God would restore Silas to me.  And I prayed that God would loose in me an ability to speak of God's love to him.

The time holding Silas was so sweet and precious.  Rarely could I get Silas to let me hug him for more than 5 seconds before this time.

And you know, God answered my prayers.  Immediately, unbelievably, and in such a wonderfully profound way- God answered.  Ever since that time it's like the walls have fallen down.  I find myself understanding Silas better, being more able to reassure and encourage him, and more able to discipline him in a loving way. I find him responding to me, and there is an easy flow of affection between us- more than ever before.  Silas just yesterday was saying "I love you Mommy, you're special," and I am so thankful.  So grateful for this incredible answer to prayer.  

Thank God for his grace in this journey of parenthood.

Cousins = bliss.

Each morning here in Ontario I wake up the sound of Silas' little voice saying "I love Kellon. He's special."  I love watching Silas playing with his little cousins.  He is in love with his 6 year old cousin Kellon who is "super strong," according to Silas "he can even pick me up!"  He plays with baby dolls with Allie (the lone girl cousin on this side in a sea of 6 boy cousins) and loves jumping on the trampoline at Oma and Opa's house with Tayte and 'the guys' as he would say.  

Sun, lots of aunts and uncles to hold and play with him, cousins to run races with, fresh sliced watermelon and Godly examples of loving family.  Bliss.

I'm very grateful for this time away with Jason's family!

[Oh] Canada

Kids weren't napping, sun wasn't shining but we decided to go for it.  We packed up the car, threw the boys in it and drove for an hour to Steveston to enjoy the Canada Day celebrations.  We saw ships, we ate snacks, we picnicked on the beach, Silas pooped his pants and got to go sock-less for the rest of the day... good times!  They ended up falling asleep on the ride home at like 8 pm, worn out and full of dirt.

Here's some pictures to prove we went, and survived:

 Lucky Toby gets to ride on Papa's shoulders!

 Brothers hanging out on a ship

"I don't like the ships Papa"

Cuddles from Nana on board

 

"Freeeedommmmm"

Seeing a crab up close (ewww, ewww, ewww)

Log hopping with Daddy.  They were both positively giddy.  A boy after his father's heart!

Still Fits

Funny, some things don't change.  Apparently the Tupperware cupboard is 

still just as fun (and messy) as a year ago!  

15 months old

 

29 months old

Recent Photo Favs'

 How Toby likes to 'see' the world.  Safely tucked close to mom or dad but still being able to take it all in:

My baby melons in the tub:

I love this picture because it so accurately portrays the differences in these two brothers' personalities.  Silas is like a pinball- bouncing around and off of people and things at a fast pace, excitable, dramatic and ridiculously energetic.  Silas is thrilled to be sitting in the tub with his brother.  Toby's reaction?  "What's all the noise about?"  He'd rather just sit with some toys quietly, taking it all in- but usually Silas is in his face blocking his view.  This should get really interesting as they get older.

AND

Pinterest. Fail.

You know those great ideas for photographing your child at different stages to compare their size?  Like this? photo sequence Well.  I started that.  Then forgot.  So I have this random picture of Toby in a laundry basket at 2 months.  Now, instead of being the beginning of a cute and memorable photo series, I just look like a neglectful parent. (or a candidate for  http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/ )  I can just hear him one day asking me, "Mom, why am I unsafely positioned in a laundry hamper?"

I tried to remedy this ill-fated situation by taking another picture now at 7 months.  And got this:

Yes.  He is licking it.

Oh how I love pinterest ideas if only I had more time...

On a Day Like Today

7:30 am.  Usually Silas is up already for the day.  But he wasn't.  "Perfect, I thought, I can get Toby down for his morning nap before Silas wakes up!"  8:00.  Silas is still sleeping, "That's odd, but I'll do some chores..."  8:30 am.  I go in to check on him and find him beside a puddle of puke.  Uh oh.  By 12 o'clock it had been a warzone of projectile vomiting, diarrhea, fevers, loads of laundry and lysol wipes.

I'm not sure this is possible, but it seems that Silas has bounced back hugely this evening.  I'm not holding my breath but in the meantime, I'm going to count my blessings.  I've super thankful because...

1. I have a washing machine and dryer.  I did 9 loads of laundry in the past 2 days.  Imagining this same scene whilst having to wash things by hand is,well, horrid.
2. Information and an education at my fingertips.  As a nurse, I know some basic things like hand washing, replacing fluids, and how to manage a fever.  Even if I didn't have a nursing education (which in itself is a reason for praising God), the internet is right here at my fingertips for clues on how to manage a sick toddler.  Many mothers worldwide don't have this kind of information at their fingertips.
3. Family close by.  I'm thankful for a Nana, Papa and Grandma who texted today and for a Grandma who lives close enough to run out and get some Pedialyte and Gravol for Silas (since I was car-less).
4. Medical help is only a phone call away, or a 10 minute drive to the hospital.  Knowing that I have access to help if things go sour is incredible.  So few around the world have this luxury with their sick kid. [Shout out to all you missionaries out there: you are a-amazing that you give this 'security' up for the sake of the call].
5. Clean water.  I know that if I give Silas water, the water is clean.  It won't make his sickness worse.
6. Access to medications.  Tylenol and Gravol helped us out today.  How much worse to watch your child suffer without these helpful aids?
7. Flushable toilets.  Enough said.
8. I'm grateful Silas is potty trained (mostly) at this point.  This meant that his D-train went down the D-rain rather than in a diaper.  (Shudder).
9. A husband, who works close-by, and who could come home early and bring me a happy-hour-frappe.  All of these things could make 4 different thanksgiving points.
10. My child will most likely get better. [In fact, miraculously, he seems to be MUCH better this evening]. Some parents have to watch their kids get sick. Every. Day.  And are not able to do anything about it but watch.  This alone makes me overwhelmed with how blessed I am.

Thanks God.  So much to be thankful for on a day like today.

My Handsome Posing Son

Nothing like my handsome, amazing, hilarious little boy to add sunshine to my home and life.  Here he is.  It was an impromptu photo shoot because the light was coming in just so, and he was focused enough on my phone to sit still for photos.  Sigh.  So cute.

11 month old

Do I really have an 11 month old?  It's strange.  I mean, I think the same way as I did when I was 16- still wear my highschool sweatpants, but here I am with a little boy.

I also feel torn.  I love being at home with Silas- it's more and more fun all the time.  But now I'm getting back in gear to return to work.  I also love my job: feeling productive and useful, able to use my head and heart.  I want to go back to nursing and look forward to being in the career I love, but am frustrated that I haven't developed anymore in my profession.  I realize my career is 'on hold' for having children but it's like I have one foot in both world.  However, I am ambitious and want to be the best at both.  The best mom I can be, the best nurse I can be.  But how can I be both?  They conflict.  Even being gone 5 hours from Silas today, seeing him shriek and get all excited to see me again made me feel sad that I won't be able to have full energy to devote to him.  But then being at work made me mad that I haven't taken any more classes or specialized etc.

Hmph.  What shall I do?  I wish I could just stay home for years and not return to work and endure the pressure of feeling like I'm not living up to my professional ideals.  But it's not feesible or practical for me.  Plus, I do think I would enjoy going back to work. Sigh.

I guess I have to think of this as a season.  Think of myself primarily as as a mom for this season, and think of my job as a means to an end.  And then later, one day, my career can take more focus.

That's besides the point of this post- Silas is almost 11 months!  Here are his latest achievements:

-still scooting along the floor on his bum instead of crawling (but he is very fast at it!)

-has sat up from being on his tummy a few times!

-loves rolling from back to tummy and does this in his crib a dozen times before falling asleep.  I peer in to check on him and I see his little eyes looking out the crib and he giggles.

-he can hold onto something while standing, but still, while walking, marches like a german soldier instead of taking proper steps

-I've weaned him to three feeds a day!  

-He's taking his sippy cup better

-eating quite well with solids, although most still end up on the floor.  He loves cheerios, crackers, toast strips and anything else in the carb family.  Also loves fruit.  In fact, he threw a fit the other day when we ran out of his baby food fruit!

-still soooo tiny.  17 lbs only and almost 11 months!  Crazy.  But he eats 4 solid food meals a day, takes water and juice, has snacks and breastfeeds.  There's no time left to feed him more than I feed him now!

-he sleeps generally 8 pm until 8 am and wakes up a few times here or there.  He used to wake up at 5:30 for a morning bfeed, but we're trying to wean him off of it (or just push the feed back) which he's been doing well.  The other day he went from 8 pm until 8 am without bfeeding!!!

-he loves loves loves hide and seek or 'find mommy' or 'find daddy' games.  Screeches and screams whenever he sees us again

-loves hiding under blankets, any sort of soft stuffy to grab hold of and drag around

-we've resurrected the 2 naps a day (yahoo!)

-has two cute teeth- which become lethal when he decides to bite you (which is becoming more often).

-Silas LOVES opening and closing anything.  He often locks us out of a room he's in by shutting the door and shuffling right up against it so we can't open it!  Loves opening cupboards and shutting them, same with the fridge (until, as is inevitable, he pinches his fingers in there...he'll learn one day!)

-he loves playing ball- rolling it back and forth with daddy, and destroying any towers Jason tries to build

-a new thing we're learning about Silas is that he's not a big group fan.  He gets a bit overwhelmed when people are all up in his grill, and starts to panic a little.  He needs to see one of us in a group setting or at least have some focused attention every few minutes

-he definitely plays strange a bit more...

-he doesn't like waking up from naps.  This is often when he needs mommy the most and is a bit cuddly.  Any strange face and he's not a happy camper

Wow.  It's cool in reflecting to realize that I know more about my son than I thought!

Here are some cute photos of him...looking forward to making some first Christmas memories with him!

showing off his two front teeth

tree shopping!

loves grass

'helping' mommy sort laundry

out tree hunting with us for Christmas

loves splashing at the pool! p.s. we didn't think he needed a life jacket in that shallow of water, just were trying it on to check the fit and take photos with it!

all 'caught up' in his favourite string

making a break for it

9 Months Baby!

It just dawned on me this morning that Silas turned 9 months yesterday!  
I don't know how much you can predict about a child's personality by this point, but here is what we DO know about Silas:
he's a ham.  Loves people and is always smiling and giggling at them.  I think he's a socialite and loves being in the centre of attention.
he's a fidgety little monkey.  He cannot sit still- ever.  He can be focused sometimes if he wants to figure something out but he mainly is wiggling, jumping, and moving all over- even while being held.  (Yup, he's a Jason and Shannon baby!)
he is easily frustrated.  He still is not crawling, and he gets super frustrated when he cannot reach a toy he wants.  He puts his head in the carpet and whines.  Poor guy.  He wants to master skills and gets mad when it doesn't come easily to him.
However, in light of the above statement- he's very smart.  He finds ways around his inabilities and instead of crawling to a toy, he'll use other toys to get to it, or if the toy is on a blanket, he'll put the blanket closer so he can grab the toy.  Sneaky!
he is quite coordinated.  Whether it's splashing crazily in the tub, playing the piano with mom, sitting alone, grabbing tiny cheerios or his mommy's hair with his pincer grasp, or passing a ball back and forth with daddy, he is quite competent with the motor skills he does have.
he is a chatterbox.  He grunts, rolls his rrrr's, blows bubbles with his tongue, makes dada and mama and all kinds of funny sounds.  He's really just chatting constantly.  He wakes up chatting, goes to sleep chatting...  
he is very strong.  His kicks hurt.  A lot.  AND he has a strong will to go with it.  (this should be fun).
he is generally happy.  or, at least that's the impression most people get of him!
he has the cutest cheeks in the entire world.  I cannot help but kiss them. A lot.
and he is hysterically funny.  J and I laugh all the time.  His expressions, wookie sound effects, his curiosity, and the way he laughs about the weirdest things- are great.  We LOVE making him laugh.Here's some pictures of our favourite little 9 month old:

his new walker.  he mainly plays with it while sitting on the floor so far.

Loves leaves, pointing with his pointy-finger, going for walks in the stroller, and his soother.

I just love this picture.  This is what Silas does while I'm in the shower.

At the pumpkin patch:

Another favourite activity: playing with grass.

Silas can clap now!  He also sometimes can give a high five when prompted.

CRACKER!

Silas loves his cheerios.   Actually, he loves his food in general.  Despite packing in 4 large meals a day, a couple snacks, and 4-5 drinks of milk, he still barely gains weight!  (Just like his dad)

Silas' favourite toy: string.  Yup.  LOVES it.

Another string picture.  He loves being carried in his backpack carrier

Silas is 8 months!

I think I say this every month, but it really is hard to believe Silas is 8 months old.  What a precious little boy.  He's so cute, and easy to make laugh.  He loves being around people, being outside, is content jumping, exploring, and is already very curious.

Love him to bits.
Here's some pics of him lately:

He's got a good shocked look

Silas loves being carried in this backpack!  Although, he has a bit too close of access to my hair!

Silas was down for a 'nap' but he kept chatting and chatting, I was wondering what was going on in there....

He moves around a TON in his crib- it's hysterical finding the different positions he's in.

he's a little explorer! Can't just look at flowers- has to touch them!

he has the face of an explorer...

Silas sits really well.  So cute..

Silas says 'da-da-da' and 'ma-ma-ma' and all kinds of sounds.  He is super close to crawling- crawls almost backwards and spins around on his tummy.  He's getting a bit frustrated but he's super fun to watch trying to figure it out.  We'll post video soon.

He eats all his colours of solids- and we'll be starting some proteins soon.  He loves holding his spoon and trying to feed himself his baby mum mums.  He laughs when I play peak-a-boo, when I tickle his knees or when I dangle his soother just out of reach.  I love making him laugh...warms my heart.  He hates being dressed or undressed, loves his bath- and plays with running water, and still hasn't worn shoes cause he kicks them off right away.  He's impossible to put pants on cause he wiggles so much, does pretty well in the car, and is still only waking once a night.  He has 2 naps now instead of 3, goes to bed at 8, and wakes up early (at 8).  Silas does well at the nursery at church and doesn't seem to mind to have others look after him.  But he recognizes mom and dad and is so happy to see us when we come get him!

So fun to watch him change and grow!  Can't wait to see him crawl!

Random Happenings

What's new?

This is what we've been up to:

1. Helping out with a missions event at our Church.  Jason's making a promo video, I'm doing some graphic design type of stuff.

2. Re-organizing our home.  I want to turn our family room into more of a 'play' room.  We're planning on some chalkboard paint, some kiddie style floor mats, some toy bins...etc.

3. Hanging out with friends who have more kids than us.  Moral: ENJOY having ONE right now.

4. Going for walks and adventures with Silas.  He loves being out, socializing, 

and going for hikes in his new baby backpack.

5. New favorite photo of Silas (pre-cry):

6. trying new cupcake recipes such as this mocha cupcake with espresso/cream cheese buttercream frosting.

7. Getting ready for the busyness of fall.  I'm trying to be out and about a bit each day for Silas' and my own sake. Ex: tot romp at the community centre, swimming lessons, stroller fit classes, and co-hostessing a table at a weekly Church women's get-together.

8. Silas is very chatty these days saying 'ma-ma-ma-da-da-do' and giggling, randomly.  He's trying to get more mobile too, looks like he's crawling backwards?

9. I'm running more these days.  YES.  I love running in the fall.

10. I need to stop having cream in my coffee and having full-cream-amazing-yogurts because, well, it's going to catch up with me.  (I've enjoyed not having to watch what I eat due to being pregnant and then bfeeding Silas...sigh...back to being careful)

11. Went through the  US border crossing as the driver for the first time.  Phew.  Was nerve-wracking.  

12. We'll be hosting some people from India in our home for a week!

13. Not sure why I'm numbering these items.

14. Need to clean the house, but I'm blogging instead.

15. New favourite quote (thanks Jackie for this one).  Parenthood: the days are long but the years are short.  SO true.