Miracle

Rewind a month ago.  There was something terribly wrong in my family.  Silas and I were not getting along at all.  I found myself getting so angry and impatient with him all the time.

I was often disciplining out of anger and felt so easily frustrated.  I was often bitter and mean.

Simultaneously, Silas was not only testing boundaries with me constantly, but it was almost like he disdained me.  He was disrespectful, defiant, and rude.  We were in Ontario visiting family and I found myself often crying about our relationship.  I told Jason that I thought I was losing Silas.  Maybe that sounds extreme, but a real fear was growing inside of me, "What am I doing wrong?  Where will this child end up if this is our relationship?  What foundations is my attitude laying for our future?" I know he's 2 but there was some serious walls that I felt like we had between us.  I even found myself saying to Jason that I had a hard time even liking Silas at all.

It was bad.

Then, Silas started over and over saying "I don't like Mommy."  This broke my heart.  He's 2 but he certainly understands what that means.  I really began crying out to God.  Oh, I had prayed for us but it was more like a "Help God, what do I do?  Give me wisdom!"  sort of prayer.

Then a miracle happened.

One day coming back from a family outing, Silas fell asleep in Oma and Opa's van just before coming home. I decided to carry him into the house but halfway inside Silas seemed really cranky so I just sat in the porch swing with him.  

I was just swinging, and holding him, and cuddling him and was amazed to see that he fell asleep.  And a wave of emotion poured through me.  I began crying over our relationship and all it's fractures.  Welling up inside of me was an overwhelming urge that in this special moment, I needed to pray for him, OVER him, and pray for us.

So I sat there.  I rocked him for over an hour and wept over him, prayed out loud for him, sang to him, and spoke scripture to him.  I felt like I needed to reassure Silas of my love for him and my acceptance of him.  I cried out to God and just asked that He break down whatever spiritual divide or emotional divide was between Silas and I.  I prayed for more patience, for more affection, for more graciousness with Silas.  I prayed that God would restore Silas to me.  And I prayed that God would loose in me an ability to speak of God's love to him.

The time holding Silas was so sweet and precious.  Rarely could I get Silas to let me hug him for more than 5 seconds before this time.

And you know, God answered my prayers.  Immediately, unbelievably, and in such a wonderfully profound way- God answered.  Ever since that time it's like the walls have fallen down.  I find myself understanding Silas better, being more able to reassure and encourage him, and more able to discipline him in a loving way. I find him responding to me, and there is an easy flow of affection between us- more than ever before.  Silas just yesterday was saying "I love you Mommy, you're special," and I am so thankful.  So grateful for this incredible answer to prayer.  

Thank God for his grace in this journey of parenthood.

Winter Rose

I am not an avid gardener, but I kind of want to be.  There are so many life lessons that can be learned from gardening.  I took a trip to the nursery in late fall and hoped to fix up my front gardens with some things that would grow over this wet and dreary time of year.  Low and behold, without much attention, my beautiful winter roses have bloomed.
'Did she say bloomed?' oh yes I did.  My roses just started blooming this past week.  This brings me much hope.

The other day as I was spending time reflecting on some of the difficulties over this past year, my trials and sufferings, I looked out my window to see these flowers budding and felt so hopeful.

I want to be a winter rose.  Growing and blooming despite hard soil, wind, rain, snow (the rose bush had a foot of snow covering it before the flowers bloomed a few days later). I look around and in this time of year and weather, nothing else seems to be blooming.  That's the type of character I want to have.  That's the type of person I want to be.
I want to bloom in the difficult seasons.  I want the endurance, the perseverance and faith to wait for the fruit and the beauty, through the darkest times of my life.

Parenthood: Risk Management and Vaccinations

Jason and I have come to realize that so much of parenthood appears to be weighing risks.  It's frightening living in this day and age.  We have access to so much information and media on the internet. With that, comes the issue of weeding through all this 'information' and making informed decisions about our children's' health and well-being.  Who do you trust to give you accurate information?  Websites?  Peoples' experiences?  Dr's?  No one is purely objective and no one can be trusted (is what we learn in this generation).   


Take the issue of vaccinations (a big one).  Do you, or do you not vaccinate? What once was a clear decision (in an era where every second child got debilitating effects of polio) is now complicated.  What about autism?  What about other terrifying 'reported' neurological effects of vaccinations?  For me, having seen the effects of polio on children in rural Africa, it seems to be an obvious decision- the risks of vaccination are clearly outweighed (to me) by the benefits.  But then, what if, after giving Silas 3 shots today, he somehow comes down with autism?  What would I think then?  Who am I to question many parents' real experiences of their children going in for shots one day and developing autism shortly after?  


Gah!  Not only is making an informed choice difficult, but then feeling confident of that decision is even harder!  Hmph. How does any parent live with any decision they make?  


Jason and I struggle through over-analysis-paralysis.  I feel overwhelmed, most of the time, about trying to make 'the best' decision.  I don't want to be under-informed, but often being over-informed causes me more headaches and frustration.  Especially because I never feel confident that I DID make 'the best' decision.  For example: if I be overprotective and don't let Silas climb trees, or play outside, or run around the neighborhood, then perhaps he will live in fear or not develop as a normal boy should.  But then if I let my son do these things and he falls from a tree and becomes paralyzed for life, or is hit by a car, or gets abducted-then did I make the right decision?


Parenthood can be terrifying.  Every decision comes down to risk.  There's risks to not vaccinating, but also risks to vaccinating (until they do more research and absolutely conclude there is no causal relationship between vaccinations and autism).


My conclusion to these ramblings: How does any parent navigate this world today without God?


I'm working on thankfulness this month and so I am thankful that ultimately, God does see all things and protect us from many awful things. However, when bad things do happen, this doesn't negate the existence of God or disprove that He is good.  I believe that God does allow things to happen in our lives for our good.  I may not understand in this life.  I may not want to accept life's circumstances because of how hard they are, but His ways are above mine.  I cannot live in fear, or should not, because God will never change and will always be my sustainer and foundation in and through any circumstance. I'm thankful that in the midst of feeling overwhelmed and over conscious of all the things that could go wrong in parenting, I can still trust that God is good, He is control, and that all that happens in this life will one day be swept over by the glorious life to come.


Side note: I watched this documentary today on vaccinations and it was very informative.  Frontline (PBS) in the US does a great job of providing objective, free, documentaries online:
 Vaccine Documentary 

Recipe Stories

I have recently started enjoying getting recipes online.  I also refer to some good, basic cookbooks.  However, I love love love stealing recipes from others.  By this I mean, eating something someone makes, asking 'can I have your recipe?' and copying the delightful gem down.  

Why?  

Because then my recipe book is a history of stories, of friendships, of places I've been and people I've met.  When I open my recipe book to pick something to make, it makes me smile and think of people and moments, together.  

I like that.

Take, for example, this crowd pleasing orange-chocolate-chip muffin recipe.  I added this one to my cookbook around 7 years ago.  The recipe owner?  She was a lovely, enthusiastic and passionate Quebecois gal.  I think she was going to be a doctor?  I dunno.  I don't even remember her name.  But I do remember her face, and her muffins of course.  I met her while living in Montreal and doing missions with Campus Crusade for Christ (now Power to Change).  I ate them.  I loved them.  Now I make them all the time.
Who ever thought to blend up WHOLE oranges to make delicious muffins?

Yum.

Orange Chocolate Chip Muffins

Put in blender:

1 whole orange (not mandarin, with skin on it and sticker removed)

½ cup margarine or soft butter

½ cup orange juice

½ cups sugar

Blend until Smooth

In separate bowl mix:

1 ½ cups flour

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp baking soda

½ cup of chocolate chips (I always add more)

Mix wet ingredients with dry

Blend well

Divide evenly in muffin tins and bake at 400 F for 15 minutes

Makes exactly 12 muffins

Or take this lovely, delicious, spoon licking Butternut Squash Soup recipe.  Easy, delicious.  It was made for me by my darling (can older people be darling?) landlord.  She was our first landlord just after we got married.  She made us feel welcome and even left flowers in our suite to greet us after we arrived back from our honeymoon.  (Is that sweet or what?)  She had a lovely garden, and had us over for dinners.  This was one meal she made.  I always thought I could never make soup.  But, turns out, I can (with the right recipe).
Make it.  Please.  It's soooo good.

Butternut Squash soup:

Ingredients:

1 large or 2 medium butternut squash- peeled and chopped into cubes

1 onion, chopped

1 Gala apple, peeled cored and chopped

¼ cup of butter

900 ml of chicken broth

1 cup of whipping cream or sour cream

Dash of cinnamon, salt to taste

3 tbsp of maple syrup

 

Do all prep work (aka chopping)

Melt butter in a large pot - add apple and onion until softened

Add broth, cream, squash, dash of sage or other herb you want, cinnamon and salt

Bring to boil, cover, and then simmer for 20-25 minutes on low heat (until squash is soft)

Puree in blender (in small amounts) and blend until smooth 

Tip: wait until cooler so that the top doesn't blow off the blender

Add maple syrup

Enjoy!!! Oh so yummy, creamy, smooth, thick.

You can serve it with sour cream over top if you wish.

My whole recipe book is like this.  My homemade tortillas are from a honduran-born American missionary I met in Burkina Faso [you sound so exotic Flo!].  My favorite pasta recipe was scribbled on a 'Jus Booster' napkin - from my employer: a women who in mid-life became an entrepreneur.  My best curry recipe came from British expats in the desert country bordering Mali.  

I love people.  I love being in the kitchen.  And I love stories.  So, I like my recipe book being a meeting place of all these things I love.

What are some of your recipe stories?

a Smattering of Thoughts

I realize I haven't posted anything other than photos of my 'do'ings lately.  
Ever have so many scattered thoughts and insights about life and yourself, that you don't know where to start?
That's where I'm at.  


I guess I'm still learning something.  Without being redundant and depressing, God is still teaching me about suffering.  I'd like to be brave and state that every moment I'm faithfully fixing my eyes on the future: a heaven free of tears and difficulties.  However, that'd be a lie.  The day in, day out of being just plain tired [of being tired] is not glamorous.  In fact, it sucks.


But I still believe that God is working good even in the bad.  That no matter how difficult this season is, He can still redeem this time, for His glory.  


I have to admit though, suffering through continued insomnia is dreadful.  
Enough said.


I'll lose myself in posting pictures instead.  [Posting pictures is much more fun than cleaning my very dirty house as I should be, while Silas sleeps].  

fort langley cranberry festival (the 3 above and this one below)

who likes socks anyways?

What being a parent really is: prayers, a bit of anxiety, escorting poop around town

So here's the latest about what's going on with Silas' poop saga.  (If squeamish, skip ahead to last few lines of post).  I figure this would have been an extensive facebook post so I thought I'd explain the whole situation here.

About 6/7 weeks ago Silas went from 1 poop a day to about 6/7.  This was a bit odd, and well, not good. However, I had just started a new medication so we thought it might be the meds.  After a week of that, went to my GP for his 4 month checkup and they said he wasn't growing all that well and that maybe I should stop the meds.  Stopped them.  After a about 2 weeks, no change.  Went back to the doctor, this time to a local clinic, and he gave me some containers to collect a stool sample.  (Was a bit of a disaster but we managed, eventually to get some...) Ended up having to escort the poop to surrey, 40 min drive, to drop it off at the right lab (?)  We awaited test results, didn't hear anything forever.  At this point things had seemed to turn around for Silas in that he started to gain a bit better, was eating better, I was less concerned.  He was pooping 1-4 times a day, still mucousy and 'off' but we were thinking it was getting better.

Test results came back saying it wasn't bacterial, not viral, but there WAS mucous in the stool (yup, could tell), By this point we had asked for a pediatrician appointment from my GP (not until August could I get in?) and this idea was confirmed by our local medical clinic doctor who said that mucous in the stool, without any other problems (bacteria etc) was very strange indeed and we should see a specialist.  I was choosing not to look anything up about it and give it to God or else I'd worry a lot (what IS going ON?)  A few days later the clinic called us back and said, actually, come back in, there WAS a bacteria that showed up on the lab test. Took 10 days to grow the bacteria, and it's so rare, that they don't usually expect it to came back positive.   I posted about that yesterday, bacteria known as Yersinia.  Strange indeed.  You get it from food-borne/food-poisoning or animals (???)  Clinic doc said that the only way to treat it was with an antibiotic that is not usually recommended for small babes like him- only one kind he could take.  So yesterday, he left it up to us.  We were on the fence and thinking, since it should just 'fix itself' that we'd keep watching him and let it go for awhile longer without treatment.

But then there was today.

Had two more huge, mucousy stools this am and had blood in his diaper today. Ugh.  Trying not to panic...called my family doctor, back we went to my GP.  She called a pediatrician on call and they both together said, yes, do what the other clinic doctor said, and treat it.  It's been going on too long and he's still not really growing well at all (only 2 ounces per week, if that).

So that's what we're doing.  Going to try the antibiotics and hope that the antibiotics don't cause diarrhea and/or other ailments.

Pray he gets better!!!

Sigh.  Parenting.  He's teething and miserable, or happy and having bloody poop.  Good thing I had nothing in particular planned today!  Gave myself lots to worry about and a trip to the doctor to fill the time!

What's motherhood like?

Many have asked me what these past 4 months have been like for me.  What's motherhood like?  How IS motherhood?  I think I've finally thought of my answer:

Motherhood is more
More of everything
More
tears, and effort, tiredness and terror
More
happy times, and confused times, proud times and weak times
More
joy and excitement, laughter and surprise
More
weariness and fatigue, insecurity and bewilderment
More
work than you ever thought
More
worth than you ever imagined
More
sacrifice, and patience
More
learning and growing
More
love overflowing
More
kisses on little fingers, toes, head and nose...
More
of everything
I am more blessed each day by this gift of my son
and more overwhelmed by my incapability to steward my responsibility- alone
Motherhood is more than I ever imagined it would be in all the great ways, in all the hard ways, and in all the ways in-between
Motherhood is more
than I ever thought it would be

weary traveler

A lot has happened over the last number of weeks but the one thing that always seems to stand out, is whether or not I'm sleeping.  I know, I know, everyone's sick to death about hearing about my woes, and so am I.  No one likes hearing about suffering without the silver lining.  But how does someone, like myself, isolated in this world of sleeplessness, suffer alone?  Aren't we all struggling with something? Am I the only one?  I am realizing one thing for sure about myself: I LIKE looking put together.  In fact, I approach house cleaning in the same way I approach myself.  Anytime someone is coming over I get struck with this fear that I will be 'found out.'  What if they discover that I am secretly a closet slob who puts up the facade of cleanliness?  I sweep, I dust, I straighten drawers, rearrange fridges when I know that guests are coming.  I want to look put together.  I want to look like a young mom who has her hair done, coffee in hand, perfectly kept child and home....but here's the big new: I'M A MESS.  That's the honest truth.  I don't know what's going on with Silas most of the time- I guess.  My home is not orderly.  My hair is not well kept, my make-up is left undone.  I am a mess and I am a desperate believer, crying out to God for help to get through each day.  I am anxious, I cry a lot, and I pray and that this suffering will pass.   So there you have it.  That's my life.  That's how I am dealing with trials. I have a wonderful son, husband, and family, and am well provided for- so I probably shouldn't complain.  But I hope that soon, and VERY soon, I can learn whatever lesson it is God has for me in this season of desperation so that I don't have to walk this road again (or at least, not for awhile)  p.s.  is anyone else in the midst of a suffering?  If so- know that I'm someone you can talk to (cause I'm in it too).  Lord have mercy on us!

Name change and other ramblings

Decided to change my blog name. Jason challenged me to blog more 'thematically.' I thought about what sort of things I could or should blog about:

Everyday life? Spiritual thoughts? Being a new parent? All of the above? None of the above?

I'm sure I'll blog about stuff in general, but I realized that one of the ways God has often spoken to me, is through metaphors. Physical things that make me think of spiritual things. Everyday, day to day things that impact my emotions and spirit.

Sounds too serious and pensive. (I'm sure it won't be).

I suppose these random images of mine may make no sense to anyone, except me. But maybe not.

So: metaphor of the day?

I thought I had a brilliant one about how Jesus is my garbageman...but it's not quite worthy of publishing. Actually, not sure I have one today. But that's okay. Life doesn't always fit into nice little themes... does it?

What happened today?

Skipped church due to uncooperative baby schedule, drank 3 cups of watery coffee, read my novel, read some OT, and then I just went for a walk with Silas. Ran into lots of little kids with basketballs and tricycles. I love when kids are out playing. They make me want to play again. Ran into neighbors and had a nice conversation. Ha! We conversed about how evil the internet is and how we never talk to neighbors anymore but instead talk to 'strangers' in 'China' instead.

And here I am.

Blogging.

Was this the most random blog or what?