The Thorn of My Flesh

My flesh is failing.  Fragile.  A jar of clay.  It is decaying and will one day be swept away as dust.  Life is short. Health and wholeness are lofty dreams.  My body is a near constant reminder to me that I cannot do this life alone.
I could list all the physical ailments and troubles I have suffered over these last 5 or more years.  It is long.

In fact, I have a new one to add which has caused me a bucket of grief in the last 24 hours.  I could look for pity and sympathy; Lord knows I've done enough of that.  I've been learning head knowledge about finding joy and peace, contentment in the Lord.

But it's just starting to really hit me how bitter and angry I've become.

My knee jerk response when anything difficult, out of my control, or aside from my plans assails me is to be mad, complain, and whine. (Sounds like a certain 2 year old I know).  What good has this response achieved for me?

Every day I find justifiable reasons to be upset at the world and my life:  "My body, my kids, my this, my that."  There are always reasons to be discontent.

 No one is discontent for no reason.

My health is the top of my list.  "Why is there always something?  Why am I never healthy?  Why me?  Why now?  When will I find physical relief from sufferings?"

However, I realized today that I cannot wait until my health is whole to have joy.  I can't.  Because if I wait, I may never have joy.  I may never have contentment.  My body will only continue to fail. I may never truly get to see God's strength and sufficiency in my weakness if I live this way.  

Sigh.  But whyyyyyyy?  Why do we have to learn through suffering and hardship?  Interestingly, I'm learning that 'thorns in our flesh' (or in my case, the thorn OF my flesh), has taught me so much.  Who would I be without these sufferings?  Arrogant, haughty, not empathetic, compassion-less, insensitive and the list continues.

Perseverance through my personal sufferings may be the best teaching tool.  Maybe God allows these thorns because He knows the me I would become without them.  Maybe He allows my flesh to weaken me, daily, so that I will actually and finally learn how to be content in all circumstances: because I will see God's power made perfect in my weaknesses.  Maybe it's through these trials that I will actually slow down, stop, and finally see who He really is to me: my Comfort, my Strength, my Refuge, my Peace...

I was out walking with Silas and heard myself say to him: "yeah, it's raining again. But that's okay- because the plants need both sun AND rain to grow."   Did I just say that?  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  "Shannon, rain is good for you!  It's necessary!  It's part of growth.  You could not grow without rain.  You cannot grow without trials."

So here I am.  A bag of ailments.  Will I not find joy already?  Will I not be content?  Every circumstance, all things will be used for GOOD in my life and character if I'd just lean on and look to God.  

A Choice

*I could spend pages writing about how low and despairing I am.  How bad my sleep is, how terrible this lot that has been given to me.  

I could weep onto this page with descriptive words of what terrible fatigue feels like and blog about how endlessly bad I've gotten it.  I could appeal for justice, I could beg for your prayers, your pity.  

But the truth is this:  I have endless, eternal reasons to have hope. I have great and wonderful reasons to praise God.  I have a Savior who endured suffering to the point of death, so that I could receive new life.  He is more than enough to carry me through the deepest, darkest, scariest valley that I could encounter in this life.  

His comfort is my shelter,  hoping in Him is not only all I've got, but it's all I need.  I am weary, I am broken, I'm run-down, I am at the lowest place but I will choose, right now, to life up His praises.  

I will fight this sorrow, this despair with praise.  Why?  Because God is good.  Because He is enough.  Because God loves me and will not abandon me.  Because God will rescue me.  If not from my circumstances, He will rescue me from the pit of despair and fear.  To You, O Lord, be the glory forever and ever.*

With no reason to hope and fear rising within

Unable to face this suffering once again

At the end of myself, the end of my rope

I will choose once again in my Jesus to hope

That He will soon restore me

Bring new life from despair

That He will yet heal me

And comfort my fears

I offer my sorrow

And I take up your praise

I’ll choose joy in this valley

Your name high I will raise

For Your promises are faithful

Your love, it is sure,

Your presence is with me

Your mercy endures

I will not fear the darkness

Another night filled with strife

I will dwell in your goodness

You are the author of my life

Your ways, they are higher

Your plans, they are great

I do not doubt you will rescue

I will be patient and wait

For you do not abandon

Those that you love

You bring rest to the weary

And help the lowly rise up

Oh dear potter, I trust you

My brokenness, please mend

Be glorified in my suffering

This trial to you, I rend.

a good song

4 hours of sleep between exhausting 12 hours shifts- and this song was playing in my car.  It took a bit to keep it together, but my heart was holding onto the hope that one day, I will see Him, and everything will be alright.


[lifehouse]


how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

I know you didn't
bring me out here to drown 
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light

Prayers

Just a call out for those who DO read my blog to keep me in your prayers.  For those of you more familiar with my struggles, sleep has been an issue for the past year.  I'm still currently taking sleeping pills which I have been trying to get off of for months and months without success.  Problem is, I can get to sleep, but only ever sleep 4-5 hours a night.  Not really enough.  Now, with the addition of shift work, I am not only terrified of the consequences- I'm already realizing them.  On night shifts we have 2-3 hours to sleep.  I used to sleep no problem.  Now I can't.  I just lie there, completely exhausted.  I was up for over 24 hours for my shift last night and didn't get a bit of sleep.  After work I came home and was able to sleep my typical 4.5 hours but it just never feels like enough.  I've seen a naturopath which so far hasn't seemed to help and every trip to my doctor ends up with the same message "sleeping pills are fine,"  "here's another prescription."  Everything I read says that sleeping pills should be used for 2 weeks max.  I've been on them for over 8/9 months and still I only sleep for 4-5 hours a night and cannot, for the life of me, get off of them.


I don't want to just complain.  But I'm looking for a bit of hope- and well, your prayers.  
Pray for me to get off these pills and get a natural rest.
Pray for me to be able to have the courage to go days of having rebound insomnia from withdrawal from the pills if necessary.
Pray my sleep would come back so I won't just go running back to pills.
Pray for perseverance and endurance.


Some days I'm barely coping, barely keeping hope that it will ever be different.  Maybe this is my new normal but I refuse to believe it is.  How can it be?  There's no way I can go on with my sleep like this but I don't know where else to turn.


Wow.  Depressing.  I'm sure you're all sick of hearing all about this.  But I guess this is what real life problems are: often ongoing, often without clear answers, and if you want to walk with me through this, that'd be great.

Waiting

Waiting.  Note to readers: brutal honesty ahead, beware.
Silas is 10 months.  For 10 months now I have endured every form of sleeplessness.  

Not getting to sleep, waking needlessly, not being able to get back to sleep once awakened.  I have been brave in some moments, mostly I have been impatient and frustrated.  I rely on medications to sleep, of which I am desperate to be released from.  I am waiting.  

Waiting for 'the rescue that is sure to come' but will that rescue be in the way that I hope?  Will rescue from the LORD mean deliverance from sleeplessness?  Will it be deliverance from fear?  Will it be strength to endure?  I am still waiting.  


Most often, I am afraid when I should not be, and worried when I know it bears no fruit.  How can I have the big family I always dreamed of if, with each child, I must endure the hell of sleeplessness of my own body's doing?  Again I ask the same questions 'how long, O Lord,' and 'why?'  


I take some comfort in others' sufferings.  Of course, not that they suffer, but that I am not alone.  And that in fact, I am very very blessed even with the limited sufferings I must face.  I've been reading a lot of war-time novels and I am overwhelmed.  Yes, with the loss of lives.  Yes, with the brutality.  But more often overwhelmed by the everyday, practical aspects of what people endured.  Did they sleep while bombs were overhead?  I'm reading about the siege of Sarajevo in the Bosnian war- 4 years?  4 YEARS people were trapped in this city, surrounded by ware and snipers, family members being shot daily.  Stuck in the city.  They must have asked 'how long' and 'why' too.  How did they endure?  HOW?  


So yes, my sleeplessness is a pathetic excuse for doubt or fear or worry.  I have so much.  This one verse I read is sticking to me, and 'sticking-it-to-me' in that I realize how poorly I am executing it:
Psalm 27:13 -14 "Yet I am confident that I WILL see the LORD's goodness while I am here in the land of the living.  Wait patiently for the LORD, be brave and courageous.  yes, wait patiently for the LORD."


hmm.  DO I have continued hope in the goodness of the Lord?  Am I waiting patiently for HIM and only Him (not just healing?)  Am I being patient in how I endure this trial?  Am I brave or courageous?  The dictionary says of patience: bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship,pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint,anger, or the like.


SO many others are waiting too.  I'm not alone in this.  Waiting- will their child survive this illness, will they ever get married, will they have the children they want to have, will they ever find their purpose, will they...  


Waiting is so hard.  But maybe, in the words of Brooke Fraser's song 


"When I can't feel You [God], I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear You [God], I know You still hear every word I pray
And i want You more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful"

Did I really just say that?

Yesterday:
"Yeah, I continue to ask God that if I haven't learned everything I need to learn from this season of suffering with insomnia, then I want Him to continue it..."  [me]


Last night:
12 am....2 am....4 am.....6 am...
sleepless.  One of the worst nights in a few months.  This after a victory of finally 'stopping' taking my sleeping pills and thinking that the worst of this insomnia is over and I'm recovering. [ugh]


Today:
Discouragement.  Despair.  Desperation.  A weeping puddle of mush.  
[I guess I'm not done Lord.  I guess there's still work to be done.  I guess this season hasn't brought forth all the fruit you want.  Here I am again.  Undone.] 


My thoughts rested on the Israelites today.  Freed from slavery by the very hand of God!  Running free from Egypt with plunder and nothing but hope and excitement for what the future held!  And then, to hit the Red Sea and see the Egyptians coming after them.   I can just see their faces (reflected in my own mirror) "I thought this would be easy now!  I thought we were through with captivity.  Why would you rescue us only to have us be destroyed by the Egyptians after all??"  Duh.  God is able.  To deliver.  From captivity and pharoahs, and troops and chariots, and charioteers, and rivers...


I love what Moses said.  I felt like they were words to me:
"Don't be afraid.  Just stand still and watch the LORD rescue you today.  The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again.  The LORD himself will fight FOR you- just stay calm." Exodus 14:13


Breathe.  Stay calm.  Trust.  Believe.  I feel like parenting myself "HOLD STILL child.  Relax. Stay calm."   How quickly I am prone to emotion, to fear, to doubt, despair, discouragement.  My hope cannot rest in my circumstances changing.  They have to rest in my God who is unchanging and His ability to give me the strength for today and each day.


grrr.  I'm eating my yesterday words.

a Smattering of Thoughts

I realize I haven't posted anything other than photos of my 'do'ings lately.  
Ever have so many scattered thoughts and insights about life and yourself, that you don't know where to start?
That's where I'm at.  


I guess I'm still learning something.  Without being redundant and depressing, God is still teaching me about suffering.  I'd like to be brave and state that every moment I'm faithfully fixing my eyes on the future: a heaven free of tears and difficulties.  However, that'd be a lie.  The day in, day out of being just plain tired [of being tired] is not glamorous.  In fact, it sucks.


But I still believe that God is working good even in the bad.  That no matter how difficult this season is, He can still redeem this time, for His glory.  


I have to admit though, suffering through continued insomnia is dreadful.  
Enough said.


I'll lose myself in posting pictures instead.  [Posting pictures is much more fun than cleaning my very dirty house as I should be, while Silas sleeps].  

fort langley cranberry festival (the 3 above and this one below)

who likes socks anyways?

The rivers are deep

I am clinging to Isaiah 43 today, until my fingers rub raw.  I cannot make it through this day alone and I am thankful for God's Word that met me this morning with the words "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown."  Rivers (plural).

I imagine myself right now slipping along on the rocks.  The river is getting higher and faster, I am at an intersection of large waterways, the shore further oft.  I panic a little as the water rises over my nose and I have to have my head back to breathe.  I imagine that only my eyes and nose are above the water level and all I can do is look up and see the sky.  I cannot see forward or backward, I cannot tell if the river is going to get deeper or more shallow.  But He says when the water is DEEP and therefore dark, He will be with me. He says that I will not drown because He is my savior, my rescuer, my help.

So I take a deep breath, and rest my head back, with my hands held up, ready for rescue, I will await in faith.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I have no wisdom.  Doctors aren't helpful.  They say my thyroid is actually getting better, yet my sleep is not better.  I have maxed out on drugs and I don't want to go that route anymore, so I don't know what to do.  But I DO know that I have but one savior.  He alone will get the glory at my rescue.  He alone.

He says I am precious to Him, I am honored, and He loves me.  When the victory's still on it's way, as the battle wages around me, the flames get higher and hotter, I will wait on Christ.  Praise Jesus that one day I will be with Him and one day there will be no more suffering.  I will be forever rescued.

In the darkness

This is the hardest time of my life.  Never have I faced such darkness and despair.  Night after night of insomnia. Days of fatigue and worry, anxiety and depression.  Anger that I have lost these 4 months and the joy I could have had, had these circumstances not surrounded me. Saturday was the lowest pit.  Another tantrum, swept over, bulldozed by emotions: will this never end?  "I can't do this anymore"- I kept crying over and over again.  The weight of frustration and having nothing under my control buckled my knees and broke my heart.

I was undone.

I've tried medications, I've tried ranting and raving.  Screaming, shaking my fist, praying and crying.  I've tried sharing these emotions with everyone and anyone. Doctors, friends, family... Distracting myself, getting busy, 'accepting' these circumstances- I've done those too.

They didn't help.  They are not helping.

But God is.   As the broken pieces of me lie kneeling on the floor, He is meeting me here.  In the dark.  This unexplicable joy has engulfed me today.  I'm crying, and this time, not from the sorrow and fear, or from the despair of having a body that is not healed.  I'm crying because God has not left me, and one day, I will cry my last tear and be at rest in His presence; forever.

Have my circumstances changed?  Not at all.  In fact, I'm getting less sleep.  'Things' are in fact getting worse.  But I am changing.  Praise God, He is changing me.  If I wait until these times end, they may never come.  In fact, if my praise and hope are only 'if' and 'when' these circumstances end, I will have lost this opportunity.  Now is the time to clutch onto hope, faith and joy until my knuckles grow white, and then some.   I can have joy even as I watch the clock tick past and am still not asleep.  I can have joy even when I'm wilted by fatigue and only have the energy to shower and take care of my son.

This is the day.  Today is the day for a new beginning.  I will believe and trust that God is good and He is faithful.  And even if He never takes this sleeplessness from me... that's hard to say...but I say it again to my heart, even if He never takes this sleeplessness from me in this life, I am choosing joy.  One day, this will all be over and I will be with Him and I will be at rest.

I don't want to live another day missing the glory He can receive from my praises, even if they are screamed or whispered.

God is gracious.  He is compassionate.  He is here.  And I choose Him over this despair. 

Learning from Job

God doesn't have to explain why He allows trails and sufferings in our lives.  In fact, He may never explain, never reveal, and never justify the struggles He allows in our lives.  He doesn't even have to ask permission to use both good and bad to shape and form us (anymore than He has to justify why both sun and rain are needed to grow life on earth).  These are hard facts for me to swallow.  I am blessed beyond anything I deserve in that I have Christ with me in all my sufferings.  I am blessed beyond so many who have no hope and are in despair because they have not His promise that Christ will not leave or forsake them amidst their darkest valleys of life.  Yet somehow I still kick and scream, cry and wail when trouble comes my way.  I still do not naturally sing "all of my life, in every season, You are still God and I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship" or as ginny owens sang "if all of these trials, bring me closer to you- then I will go through the fire if you want me to."  In some ways it can make troubles seem harder when, as a believer, I know that God loves me and yet has still allowed these trials to come.  But again, I am still just supposed to trust, let go of my fears and doubts, and hold on to Him.  I'm to crawl if I must, nose to the dust, just to reach and hold onto the hem of His robe, cling to Him with and for my very life.  Tell me this gets easier as trials come again and again? How many trials will it take for me to learn to trust Him?

An image of our recent hike comes to mind.  Jason was climbing down the mountainside- holding onto the chains, clinging to the rocks, and I was practically in tears worrying about him losing his footing and going crashing to the ground with Silas strapped to his chest.  But there was Silas, snug, warm, sleeping next to Jason's chest, unaware of all that was going on around him.  My Father's feet are sure.  They will not slip.  He does not make mistakes, He does not tumble, He has no regrets.  He sees and knows every crack and crevasse and I am to just lie asleep next to His chest.  I am to allow what comes, sing and praise Him in all the struggles, and know that God is God.  His reasons are beyond my understanding.  His knowledge is too much for me to bear.  I do not need to know why or how long, or what for.  I need only to trust that He is enough for me today.

Lord help me.  This trial is much, much more than I can bear alone.  As Job said in 6:11 “But I don’t have the strength to endure.  I have nothing to live for.  Do I have strength of a stone?  Is my body made of bronze?  No, I am utterly helpless, without any chance of success.”  

I have what Job did not- Christ in me, the hope of glory.  He is my only chance of success through the fires of this life.

So I surrendor to You.  I surrendor my life.  I surrendor all.  Not that you need my permission, but I give it to You God.  Do what you will, have Your way, use this trial or any other suffering.  Just bring me closer to You, make me more like You.

weary traveler

A lot has happened over the last number of weeks but the one thing that always seems to stand out, is whether or not I'm sleeping.  I know, I know, everyone's sick to death about hearing about my woes, and so am I.  No one likes hearing about suffering without the silver lining.  But how does someone, like myself, isolated in this world of sleeplessness, suffer alone?  Aren't we all struggling with something? Am I the only one?  I am realizing one thing for sure about myself: I LIKE looking put together.  In fact, I approach house cleaning in the same way I approach myself.  Anytime someone is coming over I get struck with this fear that I will be 'found out.'  What if they discover that I am secretly a closet slob who puts up the facade of cleanliness?  I sweep, I dust, I straighten drawers, rearrange fridges when I know that guests are coming.  I want to look put together.  I want to look like a young mom who has her hair done, coffee in hand, perfectly kept child and home....but here's the big new: I'M A MESS.  That's the honest truth.  I don't know what's going on with Silas most of the time- I guess.  My home is not orderly.  My hair is not well kept, my make-up is left undone.  I am a mess and I am a desperate believer, crying out to God for help to get through each day.  I am anxious, I cry a lot, and I pray and that this suffering will pass.   So there you have it.  That's my life.  That's how I am dealing with trials. I have a wonderful son, husband, and family, and am well provided for- so I probably shouldn't complain.  But I hope that soon, and VERY soon, I can learn whatever lesson it is God has for me in this season of desperation so that I don't have to walk this road again (or at least, not for awhile)  p.s.  is anyone else in the midst of a suffering?  If so- know that I'm someone you can talk to (cause I'm in it too).  Lord have mercy on us!

Do they sleep?

I've determined that I'm going to learn something from this trial of sleeplessness. I don't want all this struggle to be wasted on me. It's brought a lot of thoughts to my mind too about who else might be sleepless.

I'm awake again tonight, lost in the world of sleeplessness and I wonder-
Do they sleep?
those who are terrified by war and surrounded by death?
Do they sleep?
those who are abused, victimized, awaiting their oppressor's return?
Do they sleep?
those who are lonely in a prison cell, never to have justice?
Do they sleep?
whose homes are devastated by disaster, whose infants are dying in their arms?
Do they sleep?
whose eyes are tired from crying, whose losses are overwhelming and endless...?

Did he sleep?
he who knew the sins of the world were to be upon his shoulders?
Did he sleep?
he who was alone and facing death, beaten and abandoned by the ones he came to save?
Did he sleep?
knowing that he was the only one who could bring mercy and justice to the earth
Did he sleep?
the night before he was betrayed into the hands of sinners, before the greatest act of God was to be accomplished through the loss of his own life?

I lie awake at night and am comforted
Not by the gravity of others' trials compared to mine, nor by the reality that was Christ's horrible death but because I know...

He does not sleep
He who keeps the world in His hands, who sees every suffering child, alone, cold, and homeless
He does not sleep
He who knows every oppressor, every unborn nameless child, and every hurting soul
He does not sleep
and He is enough to comfort me in every trial, even as I too lie awake at night, wishing for the peace of sleep

He is sleepless with me
and I am not alone


I hope I can work on prayer and intercession for all the other sleepless bodies in the world... the nights must be that much longer and lonelier for those whose worlds are literally shattering around them.