Queen of Woe

Polite conversation often begins with questions like, “how are you doing?” and “how has your summer been?”  The average person would say “great” or “not bad.” 

I’m not the average person. 

My response is often filled with the list of all that could have or did go wrong.  This summer is a perfect example of a perfect storm.  The endless list continues to grow of why it’s been so hard, so stressful, so awful, so frustrating, so angst ridden and so depleting. 

I might have good reasons to complain.  After all, not everyone has to deal with chronic insomnia, a kitchen torn apart for more than 6 weeks, two very active and transitioning baby boys, and jam packed trips that didn’t go very well.

Here’s the thing: my own negativity is killing me and my relationships.

I’m royally sick of my complaining, my whining, my moaning and groaning.  I’m tired of my circumstances dictating my joy.  It seems to take so little for me to think that ‘today’ will be a disaster, a failure, another ‘worst case scenario.’  This Queen of woe has been catastrophizing for too long.  

So now what?  I’ve confessed.  I’m aware.  I am ready for change.  But how do I go from “look there’s one cloud in the sky it’s going to rain,” to “what a beautiful sunny day“[?] 

I’m sure it begins with gratitude.  I’m sure it begins with praise and thanksgiving.  I’m sure it begins with changing my negative thought processes.  But I’m awfully certain that I cannot change alone.  I need help daily, incrementally, to brick by brick remove this barrier to joy.

The weird thing is that I don’t remember always being this way.  Sure I’ve always been a bit of a worrier and am easily dramatic and prone to riding the waves of my emotions.  But I don’t remember always being so negative.  How did I get this way? 

Maybe it’s been the continuous supply of testing circumstances.  Maybe it’s been my health crises after health crises.  Maybe it’s been this journey into the jungles of motherhood.  No matter where or how this started, I am certain that I cannot continue on my current trajectory.  Even if there are good reasons to be on this path, I don't have good reasons to remain on it.

My relationship with my son is suffering, my heart is growing bitter and cold, and whatever God’s good plans for me are, I am sure that they are not this way.

 I am ready for joy.  To choose it.  To fight for it.  To wrestle with my thoughts and emotions.  To claim truth.  To see blessing.  

Joy?

Where to begin a post like this?  How to put words to thoughts churning, emotions swirling, the noise of my internal self conversation?  

The naked question I wrestle with, what consumes my heart and leaves my body restless is: "how do I seize joy?"  Not happiness, not ethereal emotion but a deep down, unquenchable, soul affirming, outreach propelling kind of joy. 

I want that kind of joy desperately.  I want fullness of life, abundance, contentment, satiation. I want joy that fills my empty spaces to the point of overflowing.  Peace in the storms of life and in the mundane deserts. 

The days are so repetitive.  

Another morning, another diaper, another walk, I've seen the same 5 km radius around my home a thousand times.  Where, oh WHERE do I find joy here in this place and season of my life?

I was reviewing some old journals and was astonished to see that years ago in a different place, in a different time, before children, I had the same longing for joy.  Three years ago:"But without Your presence in my life, without Your joy and satisfaction, I remain void, empty, and worthless.  Bring me to life God for who else can be to me true joy?  I cannot pretend it, I cannot muster it up (anymore than I can bring day from night, revive myself or breathe life into my own womb)."

Oh. Right.  This nagging question has followed me most of my life.  Joy, where art thou?

I'm saddened that I haven't 'got this' yet but encouraged that God wants me to learn this so much that He keeps patiently teaching me.  God has brought me through some low valleys over the past few years.  In valleys it's natural to seek joy; hard.  But then, when things are 'okay' and 'ho hum' I still find myself here, again.  The question of my life keeps resounding, "Will I, or will I not find my ultimate joy in Christ alone. Here. Now.  Another day.  This day.  Everyday."

So how do I have joy?  Well, I've been presented with a few answers:

1. Wait.  "It's a journey."  I need to wait on God.  I can't breathe life into my own lifelessness, I can't bring warmth to a cold heart.  Okay.  Maybe joy is all God's doing.  I've learned a bit about waiting as He knit together a life in me and as He teaches me through gardening.  Got it.  I'm waiting. 

2. Thankfulness. I read "A thousand gifts" and have been moved over and over again by some of the things she writes.  Her ultimate answer is that thankfulness is the road to joy.  Okay, I'll work on that.

3. Prayer.  We are studying prayer in small group, and I've been learning about discipline as I stitch together a quilt- stitch by stitch, faithfully, quietly (more on this later).  Some things just take practice, faithfulness, commitment, discipline, and work.  Yup.  The fact that I don't have joy must mean I should try harder.  Pray more, be more thankful.  

4. Sabbath. We started actually practicing Sabbath.  Rest, in Christ, and He can and will bring joy.  Okay, so it's up to Christ. I'll rest.

Ack.  Me, Him, faith, works, joy (???)  As helpful as thankfulness, discipline, prayer, and Sabbath are to my pathway to joy I don't want to understand the cake or its ingredients, I just want to eat it.  Let me eat the freakin' cake already.  Give me the fork, just give it to me and I will eat and enjoy. 

So that's it.  A mess of thoughts and words to try and describe the jumbled knot of questions inside of me.  I want to have joy now.  Here. In my everyday life.  In this season of small children and crumb encrusted floors.  In the restless days and laundry. 

Help God.  Help.

The Thorn of My Flesh

My flesh is failing.  Fragile.  A jar of clay.  It is decaying and will one day be swept away as dust.  Life is short. Health and wholeness are lofty dreams.  My body is a near constant reminder to me that I cannot do this life alone.
I could list all the physical ailments and troubles I have suffered over these last 5 or more years.  It is long.

In fact, I have a new one to add which has caused me a bucket of grief in the last 24 hours.  I could look for pity and sympathy; Lord knows I've done enough of that.  I've been learning head knowledge about finding joy and peace, contentment in the Lord.

But it's just starting to really hit me how bitter and angry I've become.

My knee jerk response when anything difficult, out of my control, or aside from my plans assails me is to be mad, complain, and whine. (Sounds like a certain 2 year old I know).  What good has this response achieved for me?

Every day I find justifiable reasons to be upset at the world and my life:  "My body, my kids, my this, my that."  There are always reasons to be discontent.

 No one is discontent for no reason.

My health is the top of my list.  "Why is there always something?  Why am I never healthy?  Why me?  Why now?  When will I find physical relief from sufferings?"

However, I realized today that I cannot wait until my health is whole to have joy.  I can't.  Because if I wait, I may never have joy.  I may never have contentment.  My body will only continue to fail. I may never truly get to see God's strength and sufficiency in my weakness if I live this way.  

Sigh.  But whyyyyyyy?  Why do we have to learn through suffering and hardship?  Interestingly, I'm learning that 'thorns in our flesh' (or in my case, the thorn OF my flesh), has taught me so much.  Who would I be without these sufferings?  Arrogant, haughty, not empathetic, compassion-less, insensitive and the list continues.

Perseverance through my personal sufferings may be the best teaching tool.  Maybe God allows these thorns because He knows the me I would become without them.  Maybe He allows my flesh to weaken me, daily, so that I will actually and finally learn how to be content in all circumstances: because I will see God's power made perfect in my weaknesses.  Maybe it's through these trials that I will actually slow down, stop, and finally see who He really is to me: my Comfort, my Strength, my Refuge, my Peace...

I was out walking with Silas and heard myself say to him: "yeah, it's raining again. But that's okay- because the plants need both sun AND rain to grow."   Did I just say that?  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  "Shannon, rain is good for you!  It's necessary!  It's part of growth.  You could not grow without rain.  You cannot grow without trials."

So here I am.  A bag of ailments.  Will I not find joy already?  Will I not be content?  Every circumstance, all things will be used for GOOD in my life and character if I'd just lean on and look to God.