Clay

Remember when a few months back I said I was cleaning out my closets?  I was planning to go through old writings and fine tune them to post on this blog.  Did that happen?  Nope.  But that's okay, I'm starting now. I guess spring cleaning has become late summer cleaning.   

Here's something I wrote back in 2009.  I'll call this a "devotional writing."  They're just my reflections, my thoughts, my ramblings about God and me and the stuff in the middle.  

Critique all you want but I hope you'll be encouraged:

Is the value of most things in their utility?  The canyons and cliffs, the waterways and bright stars, do I appreciate their utility or their beauty?  

Is food [its flavor, the delight of the communion its consumption provides, its various ways of preparation and presentation] worthwhile only in is far as it is useful for my body?  No.  

But yet, that seems to be how I approach my life and God.  Do I value being ‘used by God’ more than my relationship with God himself?  Or do I truly believe that what I am able to accomplish is how my value is measured?  Oh how I need the value of my life to be redeemed from the dust of utility and instead be caught up daily in the love of Christ.

  It is Him alone who can transform my brokenness into wholeness, and it is His love alone that can rescue me from the slavery of worshiping this productivity idol.

I was reading in Isaiah 64 about how my righteous deeds are nothing but filthy rags before God anyways, and that I am like the autumn leaves, withering and falling, blown away in the wind.  I also read the well known line that, “I am the clay and you are the potter, I am formed by your hand” and again was reminded that there is little I can do for God.  

How silly of me to think that this life is about my performance.  Why do I measure the success of each day by productivity, or accomplishment?  

I was overwhelmed again by the knowledge of the great cavernous depth of my need for God’s grace.  I am not righteous, I am needy.  I am treacherous and ungodly.  I am a sinner: broken, bleeding, cracked and useless. I am that clay: a lump of hardened, dried, helpless, useless dirt.  

I dream of being a bowl to hold fruit or be a vase and hold flowers.  But the one thing, my perhaps only real accomplishment in this life might be just to hold still and surrender to the warmth of my maker’s hands. 

To remain, on that wheel, while he smoothes my rough edges and works in the oil of 
His love.  

Perhaps the point isn’t even what ‘function’ I will be able to perform after He works on me again.  Perhaps it is simply that He is making me into something beautiful so that His artistry can be revealed.  

After all, isn’t that what glorified really means?  That one day I will reflect the beauty of His redemption, His perfect work, His making this pile of clay into something from nothing? 

And so I will again invite His tender, firm hands upon me, "would You smooth out my anxieties and fears and saturate my bitter, envious, cracked self with the oil of Your love?  Help me let go of my desire to be functional and useful God, I just want to be loved and to reflect your love."

At the Bottom of the Sea

You know those mirrors that they have in hotels for 'make-up application' that show the most intimate details of ones' face?
Well, I've had many mirrors lately [small children, health issues, surprise kitchen demolition, trials, difficulties etc] revealing my thoughts, attitudes and beliefs and was becoming rather discouraged at what I saw.

I starting sinking deeper and deeper into frustration and despair over my nasty traits.  The list was growing ever longer the more closely I examined myself:  I'm easily angered, bitter, frustrated, self-serving, controlling, apathetic, entitled, selfish, ungrateful, negative... I thought that as a Christian I would be better at all these things?  [Self talk: "How disappointing, how discouraging, how defeating"]...but then I had a wake up call last night:

Grace.

Sweet grace.

I didn't expect to find grace.   Having seen and listed my fault-list, I expected God's discipline or the voice of my religion-idol banging harsh words against me, "try harder, be better, look at all these Christians at this conference doing so much 'better' work and here you are bawling on the bathroom floor because your kids aren't napping...buck up!"  Instead I was met with sweet grace.

Huh?

Looking hard at my own reflection and seeing how far I am from 'the mark' of perfection does nothing to inspire change.  My condition, as it always has been is that I am hopeless, utterly helpless, completely incapable of saving myself.  I cannot change my filthy habits except for the grace of Christ poured out.  I am awed and overwhelmed again by the miracle of what God has done for me through Christ.  

When Christ came he did the impossible: he brought sight to the blind, made the lame walk, healed the leper...  what part of any of their healings could they take credit for?  

Nothing.

It was all Christ's work.  They were helpless, desperately unable, completely inadequate to earn for themselves wholeness.  It is the same for my sinful habits and tendencies.

Why have I started to think again that any part of this Christian life is of myself?  I cannot be more patient, more caring, more compassionate, more loving, more kind, more 'whole' apart from Christ. NOR does my salvation depend on the accomplishment of being more like Christ.  In fact, by focusing on my sinfulness I have been actually proud.  It is pride that says, "I am irredeemable" or that, "I'm never going to see any changes in my life" or "God can't use me because I habitually fail."  Aha!  But that is pride, disbelief and a lack of faith:

How can I possibly say of the one and only God, who breathed life in my womb where there was none, that He is unable to bring life in the dead and ugly areas of my life?  How dare I say that God cannot change me or use me even in my sorry state?  Do not be fooled Shannon, God WILL accomplish the work He started in you.  Not for you, or by you, but for HIM and by HIM.    

O Grace. Amazing grace.

Grace is like the ocean waters.  It doesn't matter if I'm the gravest sinner at the deepest part of the ocean floor - His Grace floods over and reaches down to cover even the darkest, loneliest, deepest part at the bottom of the sea.  No righteous act can earn His grace, and no grave sin can change what His grace is capable of doing in each of us.  I just need to receive this gift and marvel at it.  Every. Day. 

I received salvation from death when I first accepted Christ years ago...but I am learning again that every day the gospel saves me.

May this grace and this love inspire true change as I move forward in reassurance that I am indeed acceptable, and indeed righteous but ONLY because of the gift of Christ.

Joy?

Where to begin a post like this?  How to put words to thoughts churning, emotions swirling, the noise of my internal self conversation?  

The naked question I wrestle with, what consumes my heart and leaves my body restless is: "how do I seize joy?"  Not happiness, not ethereal emotion but a deep down, unquenchable, soul affirming, outreach propelling kind of joy. 

I want that kind of joy desperately.  I want fullness of life, abundance, contentment, satiation. I want joy that fills my empty spaces to the point of overflowing.  Peace in the storms of life and in the mundane deserts. 

The days are so repetitive.  

Another morning, another diaper, another walk, I've seen the same 5 km radius around my home a thousand times.  Where, oh WHERE do I find joy here in this place and season of my life?

I was reviewing some old journals and was astonished to see that years ago in a different place, in a different time, before children, I had the same longing for joy.  Three years ago:"But without Your presence in my life, without Your joy and satisfaction, I remain void, empty, and worthless.  Bring me to life God for who else can be to me true joy?  I cannot pretend it, I cannot muster it up (anymore than I can bring day from night, revive myself or breathe life into my own womb)."

Oh. Right.  This nagging question has followed me most of my life.  Joy, where art thou?

I'm saddened that I haven't 'got this' yet but encouraged that God wants me to learn this so much that He keeps patiently teaching me.  God has brought me through some low valleys over the past few years.  In valleys it's natural to seek joy; hard.  But then, when things are 'okay' and 'ho hum' I still find myself here, again.  The question of my life keeps resounding, "Will I, or will I not find my ultimate joy in Christ alone. Here. Now.  Another day.  This day.  Everyday."

So how do I have joy?  Well, I've been presented with a few answers:

1. Wait.  "It's a journey."  I need to wait on God.  I can't breathe life into my own lifelessness, I can't bring warmth to a cold heart.  Okay.  Maybe joy is all God's doing.  I've learned a bit about waiting as He knit together a life in me and as He teaches me through gardening.  Got it.  I'm waiting. 

2. Thankfulness. I read "A thousand gifts" and have been moved over and over again by some of the things she writes.  Her ultimate answer is that thankfulness is the road to joy.  Okay, I'll work on that.

3. Prayer.  We are studying prayer in small group, and I've been learning about discipline as I stitch together a quilt- stitch by stitch, faithfully, quietly (more on this later).  Some things just take practice, faithfulness, commitment, discipline, and work.  Yup.  The fact that I don't have joy must mean I should try harder.  Pray more, be more thankful.  

4. Sabbath. We started actually practicing Sabbath.  Rest, in Christ, and He can and will bring joy.  Okay, so it's up to Christ. I'll rest.

Ack.  Me, Him, faith, works, joy (???)  As helpful as thankfulness, discipline, prayer, and Sabbath are to my pathway to joy I don't want to understand the cake or its ingredients, I just want to eat it.  Let me eat the freakin' cake already.  Give me the fork, just give it to me and I will eat and enjoy. 

So that's it.  A mess of thoughts and words to try and describe the jumbled knot of questions inside of me.  I want to have joy now.  Here. In my everyday life.  In this season of small children and crumb encrusted floors.  In the restless days and laundry. 

Help God.  Help.

The Thorn of My Flesh

My flesh is failing.  Fragile.  A jar of clay.  It is decaying and will one day be swept away as dust.  Life is short. Health and wholeness are lofty dreams.  My body is a near constant reminder to me that I cannot do this life alone.
I could list all the physical ailments and troubles I have suffered over these last 5 or more years.  It is long.

In fact, I have a new one to add which has caused me a bucket of grief in the last 24 hours.  I could look for pity and sympathy; Lord knows I've done enough of that.  I've been learning head knowledge about finding joy and peace, contentment in the Lord.

But it's just starting to really hit me how bitter and angry I've become.

My knee jerk response when anything difficult, out of my control, or aside from my plans assails me is to be mad, complain, and whine. (Sounds like a certain 2 year old I know).  What good has this response achieved for me?

Every day I find justifiable reasons to be upset at the world and my life:  "My body, my kids, my this, my that."  There are always reasons to be discontent.

 No one is discontent for no reason.

My health is the top of my list.  "Why is there always something?  Why am I never healthy?  Why me?  Why now?  When will I find physical relief from sufferings?"

However, I realized today that I cannot wait until my health is whole to have joy.  I can't.  Because if I wait, I may never have joy.  I may never have contentment.  My body will only continue to fail. I may never truly get to see God's strength and sufficiency in my weakness if I live this way.  

Sigh.  But whyyyyyyy?  Why do we have to learn through suffering and hardship?  Interestingly, I'm learning that 'thorns in our flesh' (or in my case, the thorn OF my flesh), has taught me so much.  Who would I be without these sufferings?  Arrogant, haughty, not empathetic, compassion-less, insensitive and the list continues.

Perseverance through my personal sufferings may be the best teaching tool.  Maybe God allows these thorns because He knows the me I would become without them.  Maybe He allows my flesh to weaken me, daily, so that I will actually and finally learn how to be content in all circumstances: because I will see God's power made perfect in my weaknesses.  Maybe it's through these trials that I will actually slow down, stop, and finally see who He really is to me: my Comfort, my Strength, my Refuge, my Peace...

I was out walking with Silas and heard myself say to him: "yeah, it's raining again. But that's okay- because the plants need both sun AND rain to grow."   Did I just say that?  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  "Shannon, rain is good for you!  It's necessary!  It's part of growth.  You could not grow without rain.  You cannot grow without trials."

So here I am.  A bag of ailments.  Will I not find joy already?  Will I not be content?  Every circumstance, all things will be used for GOOD in my life and character if I'd just lean on and look to God.  

My Bucket List

Bucket lists. There are a lot of people posting them these days.  I'm not above them.  In fact, I have a few of my own.  I recognize the pleasure of making a list of things and actually ticking them off to say: "I've seen, I've done, I've conquered."

There's the usual things on mine like: "travel to Asia, learn a second language fluently, write and publish a book, go trekking, eat chocolate every day for a year," etc. But lately I'm realizing that I have a better bucket list.  Okay, maybe not better.  Perhaps more overambitious, more ambiguous, perhaps more somber, but a bucket list nonetheless.

Every day as I wake up I have two little lives that reflect the person that I am.  They reveal my character with all its true flaws.  The longer I live the less naive I am about my faults.  There is no easy escape, I cannot fight these behavioral habits alone.   They require time, attention and divine intervention. I am literally powerless to change some of these weaknesses on my own.

But oh, wouldn't it be wonderful if these areas I struggle with could be changed?  I pull at them from the surface by trying harder, doing better, making new years' resolutions.  But this is like ripping off the leaves of a weed without truly uprooting them.  They come back.  Again.

I need God's Spirit to do work in my heart, daily.  Maybe, just maybe, by the end of this life my rough edges will be smoother, more weeds will be uprooted, and Christ will be more apparent in my thoughts, words, and behaviors.  That's the goal isn't it?  Is a better me, possible?

I'm a bit tired of hiding all my faults behind a veneer of perfection or superficiality so here goes:  

My bucket list of character traits I'd rather do without, and ones I want to have:

1. Be a more contented, joyful person. What if I were content for a change?  As my default? In whatever my circumstance?  Wow.  Imagine.

2. I want to stop seeing the negative in every situation, all the time.  I wear negative lenses through which I seem to view all things.  I am kind of tired of my whining voice that constantly relays every bad thing that happens every day to every listener.  I'm a complaining, moaning, grumbling person by nature.  Could I not just automatically see the positive?

3. Have a posture of thankfulness and gratitude that flows into a spirit of generosity.  Aka: less materialism, less envy, and more giving.  Rid myself of this attitude of entitlement, be more humble and give even at a cost to myself. [Is that like 6 things?]

4. I want to learn patience in affliction.  [Okay, patience in general.  Anyone who sits in front of a microwave cursing the seconds has serious issues with this- aka me].

5. See others' needs as more important than my own.  I'm. So. Selfish.

6. Be less controlling, less of a perfectionist.  [Good luck with this weed God- it goes deep!]

7. Learn how to respond thoughtfully versus react out of emotions.  Oh, never mind, I've accomplished that one.  [Kidding].

8.  I want to be okay with discomfort and abandon this notion that God and His whole world exists to make me feel comfortable. 

Okay.  So this list is not exhaustive.  The more thoughts I think and days I live the more I realize just how innately sinful I am.  I hardly believe for a second I will ever be able to look at this list and simply cross these off, "Done! Prize please!"  I also don't think that God will accept me more or somehow I will be more worthy of Him if I achieve these character attributes.  However, I do dream and hope for a day that my character will be more like Christ.  I cannot wait until heaven when, in seeing Him face to face, I will be made more like Him.  Finally.  I will rest from my flaws which become ever more frustrating, limiting, and burdensome.