What if...?

Lately I've been overcome by fear and anxiety.  The 'what ifs' of living in a ruthless world have been hunting me down and strangling my contentment to the ground.

Love is vulnerable.  I could lose those I love in a heartbeat, in an instant. In fact, the very things I most take for granted (my home, my family, my health) can be snatched away.  Right now.

I've been overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of despair and uncertainty that this world offers as its foundation.

Wait a second, don't I believe in a good God?  Yes.  Doesn't He turn all things good?  Yes.  He doesn't allow suffering in our lives does He?  Sometimes.  That doesn't make sense.

So as a Christian, once I believe in God, everything will be ok right?

But He never promised it would be easy, or perfect, or well- that my life and journey would in any way go as I planned.  At all.

I have so little control of our circumstances.

But this, THIS truth is like gold to me.  Found in Joshua 1:9.  Do you know what is better than guaranteed perfect outcomes?  Perfect wealth and health?  Better than a guarantee of having no sickness, no disaster, no loss, no death, no (insert hardship here):____________?  Do you know what truth is better than anything this broken world has to offer?

I will tell you.
In a poem.

We'll call it "Ever felt...?"
_________________
In the alley,
far from home,
lost and hurting
in a place unknown.

Broken, beaten
by death's blows,
lonely, hidden
where no one knows?

Heart is aching and
throbbing with fear,
anxious, betrayed
no one is near.

Abandoned, forgotten,
stolen away,
ravaged and abused,
left in dismay?

Oh hollowed out woman
Oh child left in the dark,
Oh spent, wearied wounded
Oh broken lonely heart.

In all the dark places
Where wind, rain & woe
rattle the windows
and flatten you low.

In all the deep valleys
while swallowed by pain
when bruised and beaten
by life's ruthless terrain.

One promise alone
will be the flickering light,
will shoulder the weight
of this endless cruel night.

Wherever you are,
in the places unseen
whatever has happened
how ruthless and mean.

(here it is!)

My God, He is with you.
You are never alone.
His love and His comfort
Is your new home.

When all is uncertain
and the very ground gives way
Cling to Jesus, your only savior
in every breath, of every day.

No hurt is too heavy,
No fear is too strong
His arms, they will surround you
All the night long.

Be comforted and healed
Though life's hardness remains
When everyone else leave's you
He will stay.
____________

There you have it.
I was wandering around (internally) lost and confused again because I was looking at my circumstances.  Life is going to be hard.  I will experience disease, loss, death, and will leave this life covered in mud and mess.

But my gracious God came into the mud with me and will stay with me the whole way.

All praise is due Him.

a Hurricane Needs to be Held

Like a little hurricane, Silas rages and fits around the house.  He becomes destructive, wreckless, distraught, emotional, and angry.

Then, mid-tantrum, in the eye of the storm there will be this innocent stillness about him.  A moment of recognizing un-met need.  

Silas will stop and whimper:

"Mommy, I need a snuggle."

What looked like fury, was actually fear. Even when all my ugliness is evident, am I loved?  Accepted?  Can I still return to safe arms?  

Would you believe, that at 28 years of age, I'm still a 2 year old?  

My emotions rage, my quick temper flares, my anger bashes against others, and my frustrations blow others away.  

But, If I stop and just look at what is really wrong, if I am just honest with myself I would see that: I just need a snuggle. An internal one.

Unconditional reassurance, love, and acceptance.

To be able to sigh deeply, as Silas does, and rest in bigger arms.

Good thing there is some One who is able to hold this hurricane and calm the storm raging in me.

Miracle

Rewind a month ago.  There was something terribly wrong in my family.  Silas and I were not getting along at all.  I found myself getting so angry and impatient with him all the time.

I was often disciplining out of anger and felt so easily frustrated.  I was often bitter and mean.

Simultaneously, Silas was not only testing boundaries with me constantly, but it was almost like he disdained me.  He was disrespectful, defiant, and rude.  We were in Ontario visiting family and I found myself often crying about our relationship.  I told Jason that I thought I was losing Silas.  Maybe that sounds extreme, but a real fear was growing inside of me, "What am I doing wrong?  Where will this child end up if this is our relationship?  What foundations is my attitude laying for our future?" I know he's 2 but there was some serious walls that I felt like we had between us.  I even found myself saying to Jason that I had a hard time even liking Silas at all.

It was bad.

Then, Silas started over and over saying "I don't like Mommy."  This broke my heart.  He's 2 but he certainly understands what that means.  I really began crying out to God.  Oh, I had prayed for us but it was more like a "Help God, what do I do?  Give me wisdom!"  sort of prayer.

Then a miracle happened.

One day coming back from a family outing, Silas fell asleep in Oma and Opa's van just before coming home. I decided to carry him into the house but halfway inside Silas seemed really cranky so I just sat in the porch swing with him.  

I was just swinging, and holding him, and cuddling him and was amazed to see that he fell asleep.  And a wave of emotion poured through me.  I began crying over our relationship and all it's fractures.  Welling up inside of me was an overwhelming urge that in this special moment, I needed to pray for him, OVER him, and pray for us.

So I sat there.  I rocked him for over an hour and wept over him, prayed out loud for him, sang to him, and spoke scripture to him.  I felt like I needed to reassure Silas of my love for him and my acceptance of him.  I cried out to God and just asked that He break down whatever spiritual divide or emotional divide was between Silas and I.  I prayed for more patience, for more affection, for more graciousness with Silas.  I prayed that God would restore Silas to me.  And I prayed that God would loose in me an ability to speak of God's love to him.

The time holding Silas was so sweet and precious.  Rarely could I get Silas to let me hug him for more than 5 seconds before this time.

And you know, God answered my prayers.  Immediately, unbelievably, and in such a wonderfully profound way- God answered.  Ever since that time it's like the walls have fallen down.  I find myself understanding Silas better, being more able to reassure and encourage him, and more able to discipline him in a loving way. I find him responding to me, and there is an easy flow of affection between us- more than ever before.  Silas just yesterday was saying "I love you Mommy, you're special," and I am so thankful.  So grateful for this incredible answer to prayer.  

Thank God for his grace in this journey of parenthood.

Clay

Remember when a few months back I said I was cleaning out my closets?  I was planning to go through old writings and fine tune them to post on this blog.  Did that happen?  Nope.  But that's okay, I'm starting now. I guess spring cleaning has become late summer cleaning.   

Here's something I wrote back in 2009.  I'll call this a "devotional writing."  They're just my reflections, my thoughts, my ramblings about God and me and the stuff in the middle.  

Critique all you want but I hope you'll be encouraged:

Is the value of most things in their utility?  The canyons and cliffs, the waterways and bright stars, do I appreciate their utility or their beauty?  

Is food [its flavor, the delight of the communion its consumption provides, its various ways of preparation and presentation] worthwhile only in is far as it is useful for my body?  No.  

But yet, that seems to be how I approach my life and God.  Do I value being ‘used by God’ more than my relationship with God himself?  Or do I truly believe that what I am able to accomplish is how my value is measured?  Oh how I need the value of my life to be redeemed from the dust of utility and instead be caught up daily in the love of Christ.

  It is Him alone who can transform my brokenness into wholeness, and it is His love alone that can rescue me from the slavery of worshiping this productivity idol.

I was reading in Isaiah 64 about how my righteous deeds are nothing but filthy rags before God anyways, and that I am like the autumn leaves, withering and falling, blown away in the wind.  I also read the well known line that, “I am the clay and you are the potter, I am formed by your hand” and again was reminded that there is little I can do for God.  

How silly of me to think that this life is about my performance.  Why do I measure the success of each day by productivity, or accomplishment?  

I was overwhelmed again by the knowledge of the great cavernous depth of my need for God’s grace.  I am not righteous, I am needy.  I am treacherous and ungodly.  I am a sinner: broken, bleeding, cracked and useless. I am that clay: a lump of hardened, dried, helpless, useless dirt.  

I dream of being a bowl to hold fruit or be a vase and hold flowers.  But the one thing, my perhaps only real accomplishment in this life might be just to hold still and surrender to the warmth of my maker’s hands. 

To remain, on that wheel, while he smoothes my rough edges and works in the oil of 
His love.  

Perhaps the point isn’t even what ‘function’ I will be able to perform after He works on me again.  Perhaps it is simply that He is making me into something beautiful so that His artistry can be revealed.  

After all, isn’t that what glorified really means?  That one day I will reflect the beauty of His redemption, His perfect work, His making this pile of clay into something from nothing? 

And so I will again invite His tender, firm hands upon me, "would You smooth out my anxieties and fears and saturate my bitter, envious, cracked self with the oil of Your love?  Help me let go of my desire to be functional and useful God, I just want to be loved and to reflect your love."

At the Bottom of the Sea

You know those mirrors that they have in hotels for 'make-up application' that show the most intimate details of ones' face?
Well, I've had many mirrors lately [small children, health issues, surprise kitchen demolition, trials, difficulties etc] revealing my thoughts, attitudes and beliefs and was becoming rather discouraged at what I saw.

I starting sinking deeper and deeper into frustration and despair over my nasty traits.  The list was growing ever longer the more closely I examined myself:  I'm easily angered, bitter, frustrated, self-serving, controlling, apathetic, entitled, selfish, ungrateful, negative... I thought that as a Christian I would be better at all these things?  [Self talk: "How disappointing, how discouraging, how defeating"]...but then I had a wake up call last night:

Grace.

Sweet grace.

I didn't expect to find grace.   Having seen and listed my fault-list, I expected God's discipline or the voice of my religion-idol banging harsh words against me, "try harder, be better, look at all these Christians at this conference doing so much 'better' work and here you are bawling on the bathroom floor because your kids aren't napping...buck up!"  Instead I was met with sweet grace.

Huh?

Looking hard at my own reflection and seeing how far I am from 'the mark' of perfection does nothing to inspire change.  My condition, as it always has been is that I am hopeless, utterly helpless, completely incapable of saving myself.  I cannot change my filthy habits except for the grace of Christ poured out.  I am awed and overwhelmed again by the miracle of what God has done for me through Christ.  

When Christ came he did the impossible: he brought sight to the blind, made the lame walk, healed the leper...  what part of any of their healings could they take credit for?  

Nothing.

It was all Christ's work.  They were helpless, desperately unable, completely inadequate to earn for themselves wholeness.  It is the same for my sinful habits and tendencies.

Why have I started to think again that any part of this Christian life is of myself?  I cannot be more patient, more caring, more compassionate, more loving, more kind, more 'whole' apart from Christ. NOR does my salvation depend on the accomplishment of being more like Christ.  In fact, by focusing on my sinfulness I have been actually proud.  It is pride that says, "I am irredeemable" or that, "I'm never going to see any changes in my life" or "God can't use me because I habitually fail."  Aha!  But that is pride, disbelief and a lack of faith:

How can I possibly say of the one and only God, who breathed life in my womb where there was none, that He is unable to bring life in the dead and ugly areas of my life?  How dare I say that God cannot change me or use me even in my sorry state?  Do not be fooled Shannon, God WILL accomplish the work He started in you.  Not for you, or by you, but for HIM and by HIM.    

O Grace. Amazing grace.

Grace is like the ocean waters.  It doesn't matter if I'm the gravest sinner at the deepest part of the ocean floor - His Grace floods over and reaches down to cover even the darkest, loneliest, deepest part at the bottom of the sea.  No righteous act can earn His grace, and no grave sin can change what His grace is capable of doing in each of us.  I just need to receive this gift and marvel at it.  Every. Day. 

I received salvation from death when I first accepted Christ years ago...but I am learning again that every day the gospel saves me.

May this grace and this love inspire true change as I move forward in reassurance that I am indeed acceptable, and indeed righteous but ONLY because of the gift of Christ.

Groceries

God,
I need patience, when it seems like every little hiccup in our journey out the door derails my emotions
I need your perspective, when forgetting my grocery list halfway to the store becomes an unecessary crisis 
I need your graciousness, when the hum of a toddler whining in the back of the car affects my mood enough to make me rude to strangers
I need your strength, when I'm trying to balance a baby on my hip (prevent him from licking the bathroom stall) while trying to help a toddler onto the potty
I need your sense of humour when the former is a g.o.n.g. show.
I need a reminder of your grace, when I am angry at spilled blueberries on the grocery store floor
I need your forgiveness, when I make my child feel shame for what was just an accident
I need humility, when I realize that the accident was really my fault
I need endurance, when lunch needs to be made, groceries unloaded, babies put to bed...(all before I can have a chance to pee and eat my own lunch)
I need a reminder of your provisions for us, that we have access to food and money to buy it
I need You.  For only in You can I find abundant life in the grocery store, on a Monday morning.

Joy?

Where to begin a post like this?  How to put words to thoughts churning, emotions swirling, the noise of my internal self conversation?  

The naked question I wrestle with, what consumes my heart and leaves my body restless is: "how do I seize joy?"  Not happiness, not ethereal emotion but a deep down, unquenchable, soul affirming, outreach propelling kind of joy. 

I want that kind of joy desperately.  I want fullness of life, abundance, contentment, satiation. I want joy that fills my empty spaces to the point of overflowing.  Peace in the storms of life and in the mundane deserts. 

The days are so repetitive.  

Another morning, another diaper, another walk, I've seen the same 5 km radius around my home a thousand times.  Where, oh WHERE do I find joy here in this place and season of my life?

I was reviewing some old journals and was astonished to see that years ago in a different place, in a different time, before children, I had the same longing for joy.  Three years ago:"But without Your presence in my life, without Your joy and satisfaction, I remain void, empty, and worthless.  Bring me to life God for who else can be to me true joy?  I cannot pretend it, I cannot muster it up (anymore than I can bring day from night, revive myself or breathe life into my own womb)."

Oh. Right.  This nagging question has followed me most of my life.  Joy, where art thou?

I'm saddened that I haven't 'got this' yet but encouraged that God wants me to learn this so much that He keeps patiently teaching me.  God has brought me through some low valleys over the past few years.  In valleys it's natural to seek joy; hard.  But then, when things are 'okay' and 'ho hum' I still find myself here, again.  The question of my life keeps resounding, "Will I, or will I not find my ultimate joy in Christ alone. Here. Now.  Another day.  This day.  Everyday."

So how do I have joy?  Well, I've been presented with a few answers:

1. Wait.  "It's a journey."  I need to wait on God.  I can't breathe life into my own lifelessness, I can't bring warmth to a cold heart.  Okay.  Maybe joy is all God's doing.  I've learned a bit about waiting as He knit together a life in me and as He teaches me through gardening.  Got it.  I'm waiting. 

2. Thankfulness. I read "A thousand gifts" and have been moved over and over again by some of the things she writes.  Her ultimate answer is that thankfulness is the road to joy.  Okay, I'll work on that.

3. Prayer.  We are studying prayer in small group, and I've been learning about discipline as I stitch together a quilt- stitch by stitch, faithfully, quietly (more on this later).  Some things just take practice, faithfulness, commitment, discipline, and work.  Yup.  The fact that I don't have joy must mean I should try harder.  Pray more, be more thankful.  

4. Sabbath. We started actually practicing Sabbath.  Rest, in Christ, and He can and will bring joy.  Okay, so it's up to Christ. I'll rest.

Ack.  Me, Him, faith, works, joy (???)  As helpful as thankfulness, discipline, prayer, and Sabbath are to my pathway to joy I don't want to understand the cake or its ingredients, I just want to eat it.  Let me eat the freakin' cake already.  Give me the fork, just give it to me and I will eat and enjoy. 

So that's it.  A mess of thoughts and words to try and describe the jumbled knot of questions inside of me.  I want to have joy now.  Here. In my everyday life.  In this season of small children and crumb encrusted floors.  In the restless days and laundry. 

Help God.  Help.

The Thorn of My Flesh

My flesh is failing.  Fragile.  A jar of clay.  It is decaying and will one day be swept away as dust.  Life is short. Health and wholeness are lofty dreams.  My body is a near constant reminder to me that I cannot do this life alone.
I could list all the physical ailments and troubles I have suffered over these last 5 or more years.  It is long.

In fact, I have a new one to add which has caused me a bucket of grief in the last 24 hours.  I could look for pity and sympathy; Lord knows I've done enough of that.  I've been learning head knowledge about finding joy and peace, contentment in the Lord.

But it's just starting to really hit me how bitter and angry I've become.

My knee jerk response when anything difficult, out of my control, or aside from my plans assails me is to be mad, complain, and whine. (Sounds like a certain 2 year old I know).  What good has this response achieved for me?

Every day I find justifiable reasons to be upset at the world and my life:  "My body, my kids, my this, my that."  There are always reasons to be discontent.

 No one is discontent for no reason.

My health is the top of my list.  "Why is there always something?  Why am I never healthy?  Why me?  Why now?  When will I find physical relief from sufferings?"

However, I realized today that I cannot wait until my health is whole to have joy.  I can't.  Because if I wait, I may never have joy.  I may never have contentment.  My body will only continue to fail. I may never truly get to see God's strength and sufficiency in my weakness if I live this way.  

Sigh.  But whyyyyyyy?  Why do we have to learn through suffering and hardship?  Interestingly, I'm learning that 'thorns in our flesh' (or in my case, the thorn OF my flesh), has taught me so much.  Who would I be without these sufferings?  Arrogant, haughty, not empathetic, compassion-less, insensitive and the list continues.

Perseverance through my personal sufferings may be the best teaching tool.  Maybe God allows these thorns because He knows the me I would become without them.  Maybe He allows my flesh to weaken me, daily, so that I will actually and finally learn how to be content in all circumstances: because I will see God's power made perfect in my weaknesses.  Maybe it's through these trials that I will actually slow down, stop, and finally see who He really is to me: my Comfort, my Strength, my Refuge, my Peace...

I was out walking with Silas and heard myself say to him: "yeah, it's raining again. But that's okay- because the plants need both sun AND rain to grow."   Did I just say that?  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  "Shannon, rain is good for you!  It's necessary!  It's part of growth.  You could not grow without rain.  You cannot grow without trials."

So here I am.  A bag of ailments.  Will I not find joy already?  Will I not be content?  Every circumstance, all things will be used for GOOD in my life and character if I'd just lean on and look to God.  

My Bucket List

Bucket lists. There are a lot of people posting them these days.  I'm not above them.  In fact, I have a few of my own.  I recognize the pleasure of making a list of things and actually ticking them off to say: "I've seen, I've done, I've conquered."

There's the usual things on mine like: "travel to Asia, learn a second language fluently, write and publish a book, go trekking, eat chocolate every day for a year," etc. But lately I'm realizing that I have a better bucket list.  Okay, maybe not better.  Perhaps more overambitious, more ambiguous, perhaps more somber, but a bucket list nonetheless.

Every day as I wake up I have two little lives that reflect the person that I am.  They reveal my character with all its true flaws.  The longer I live the less naive I am about my faults.  There is no easy escape, I cannot fight these behavioral habits alone.   They require time, attention and divine intervention. I am literally powerless to change some of these weaknesses on my own.

But oh, wouldn't it be wonderful if these areas I struggle with could be changed?  I pull at them from the surface by trying harder, doing better, making new years' resolutions.  But this is like ripping off the leaves of a weed without truly uprooting them.  They come back.  Again.

I need God's Spirit to do work in my heart, daily.  Maybe, just maybe, by the end of this life my rough edges will be smoother, more weeds will be uprooted, and Christ will be more apparent in my thoughts, words, and behaviors.  That's the goal isn't it?  Is a better me, possible?

I'm a bit tired of hiding all my faults behind a veneer of perfection or superficiality so here goes:  

My bucket list of character traits I'd rather do without, and ones I want to have:

1. Be a more contented, joyful person. What if I were content for a change?  As my default? In whatever my circumstance?  Wow.  Imagine.

2. I want to stop seeing the negative in every situation, all the time.  I wear negative lenses through which I seem to view all things.  I am kind of tired of my whining voice that constantly relays every bad thing that happens every day to every listener.  I'm a complaining, moaning, grumbling person by nature.  Could I not just automatically see the positive?

3. Have a posture of thankfulness and gratitude that flows into a spirit of generosity.  Aka: less materialism, less envy, and more giving.  Rid myself of this attitude of entitlement, be more humble and give even at a cost to myself. [Is that like 6 things?]

4. I want to learn patience in affliction.  [Okay, patience in general.  Anyone who sits in front of a microwave cursing the seconds has serious issues with this- aka me].

5. See others' needs as more important than my own.  I'm. So. Selfish.

6. Be less controlling, less of a perfectionist.  [Good luck with this weed God- it goes deep!]

7. Learn how to respond thoughtfully versus react out of emotions.  Oh, never mind, I've accomplished that one.  [Kidding].

8.  I want to be okay with discomfort and abandon this notion that God and His whole world exists to make me feel comfortable. 

Okay.  So this list is not exhaustive.  The more thoughts I think and days I live the more I realize just how innately sinful I am.  I hardly believe for a second I will ever be able to look at this list and simply cross these off, "Done! Prize please!"  I also don't think that God will accept me more or somehow I will be more worthy of Him if I achieve these character attributes.  However, I do dream and hope for a day that my character will be more like Christ.  I cannot wait until heaven when, in seeing Him face to face, I will be made more like Him.  Finally.  I will rest from my flaws which become ever more frustrating, limiting, and burdensome.

A Choice

*I could spend pages writing about how low and despairing I am.  How bad my sleep is, how terrible this lot that has been given to me.  

I could weep onto this page with descriptive words of what terrible fatigue feels like and blog about how endlessly bad I've gotten it.  I could appeal for justice, I could beg for your prayers, your pity.  

But the truth is this:  I have endless, eternal reasons to have hope. I have great and wonderful reasons to praise God.  I have a Savior who endured suffering to the point of death, so that I could receive new life.  He is more than enough to carry me through the deepest, darkest, scariest valley that I could encounter in this life.  

His comfort is my shelter,  hoping in Him is not only all I've got, but it's all I need.  I am weary, I am broken, I'm run-down, I am at the lowest place but I will choose, right now, to life up His praises.  

I will fight this sorrow, this despair with praise.  Why?  Because God is good.  Because He is enough.  Because God loves me and will not abandon me.  Because God will rescue me.  If not from my circumstances, He will rescue me from the pit of despair and fear.  To You, O Lord, be the glory forever and ever.*

With no reason to hope and fear rising within

Unable to face this suffering once again

At the end of myself, the end of my rope

I will choose once again in my Jesus to hope

That He will soon restore me

Bring new life from despair

That He will yet heal me

And comfort my fears

I offer my sorrow

And I take up your praise

I’ll choose joy in this valley

Your name high I will raise

For Your promises are faithful

Your love, it is sure,

Your presence is with me

Your mercy endures

I will not fear the darkness

Another night filled with strife

I will dwell in your goodness

You are the author of my life

Your ways, they are higher

Your plans, they are great

I do not doubt you will rescue

I will be patient and wait

For you do not abandon

Those that you love

You bring rest to the weary

And help the lowly rise up

Oh dear potter, I trust you

My brokenness, please mend

Be glorified in my suffering

This trial to you, I rend.

a good song

4 hours of sleep between exhausting 12 hours shifts- and this song was playing in my car.  It took a bit to keep it together, but my heart was holding onto the hope that one day, I will see Him, and everything will be alright.


[lifehouse]


how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

I know you didn't
bring me out here to drown 
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light

Prayers

Just a call out for those who DO read my blog to keep me in your prayers.  For those of you more familiar with my struggles, sleep has been an issue for the past year.  I'm still currently taking sleeping pills which I have been trying to get off of for months and months without success.  Problem is, I can get to sleep, but only ever sleep 4-5 hours a night.  Not really enough.  Now, with the addition of shift work, I am not only terrified of the consequences- I'm already realizing them.  On night shifts we have 2-3 hours to sleep.  I used to sleep no problem.  Now I can't.  I just lie there, completely exhausted.  I was up for over 24 hours for my shift last night and didn't get a bit of sleep.  After work I came home and was able to sleep my typical 4.5 hours but it just never feels like enough.  I've seen a naturopath which so far hasn't seemed to help and every trip to my doctor ends up with the same message "sleeping pills are fine,"  "here's another prescription."  Everything I read says that sleeping pills should be used for 2 weeks max.  I've been on them for over 8/9 months and still I only sleep for 4-5 hours a night and cannot, for the life of me, get off of them.


I don't want to just complain.  But I'm looking for a bit of hope- and well, your prayers.  
Pray for me to get off these pills and get a natural rest.
Pray for me to be able to have the courage to go days of having rebound insomnia from withdrawal from the pills if necessary.
Pray my sleep would come back so I won't just go running back to pills.
Pray for perseverance and endurance.


Some days I'm barely coping, barely keeping hope that it will ever be different.  Maybe this is my new normal but I refuse to believe it is.  How can it be?  There's no way I can go on with my sleep like this but I don't know where else to turn.


Wow.  Depressing.  I'm sure you're all sick of hearing all about this.  But I guess this is what real life problems are: often ongoing, often without clear answers, and if you want to walk with me through this, that'd be great.

Waiting

Waiting.  Note to readers: brutal honesty ahead, beware.
Silas is 10 months.  For 10 months now I have endured every form of sleeplessness.  

Not getting to sleep, waking needlessly, not being able to get back to sleep once awakened.  I have been brave in some moments, mostly I have been impatient and frustrated.  I rely on medications to sleep, of which I am desperate to be released from.  I am waiting.  

Waiting for 'the rescue that is sure to come' but will that rescue be in the way that I hope?  Will rescue from the LORD mean deliverance from sleeplessness?  Will it be deliverance from fear?  Will it be strength to endure?  I am still waiting.  


Most often, I am afraid when I should not be, and worried when I know it bears no fruit.  How can I have the big family I always dreamed of if, with each child, I must endure the hell of sleeplessness of my own body's doing?  Again I ask the same questions 'how long, O Lord,' and 'why?'  


I take some comfort in others' sufferings.  Of course, not that they suffer, but that I am not alone.  And that in fact, I am very very blessed even with the limited sufferings I must face.  I've been reading a lot of war-time novels and I am overwhelmed.  Yes, with the loss of lives.  Yes, with the brutality.  But more often overwhelmed by the everyday, practical aspects of what people endured.  Did they sleep while bombs were overhead?  I'm reading about the siege of Sarajevo in the Bosnian war- 4 years?  4 YEARS people were trapped in this city, surrounded by ware and snipers, family members being shot daily.  Stuck in the city.  They must have asked 'how long' and 'why' too.  How did they endure?  HOW?  


So yes, my sleeplessness is a pathetic excuse for doubt or fear or worry.  I have so much.  This one verse I read is sticking to me, and 'sticking-it-to-me' in that I realize how poorly I am executing it:
Psalm 27:13 -14 "Yet I am confident that I WILL see the LORD's goodness while I am here in the land of the living.  Wait patiently for the LORD, be brave and courageous.  yes, wait patiently for the LORD."


hmm.  DO I have continued hope in the goodness of the Lord?  Am I waiting patiently for HIM and only Him (not just healing?)  Am I being patient in how I endure this trial?  Am I brave or courageous?  The dictionary says of patience: bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship,pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint,anger, or the like.


SO many others are waiting too.  I'm not alone in this.  Waiting- will their child survive this illness, will they ever get married, will they have the children they want to have, will they ever find their purpose, will they...  


Waiting is so hard.  But maybe, in the words of Brooke Fraser's song 


"When I can't feel You [God], I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear You [God], I know You still hear every word I pray
And i want You more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful"

Did I really just say that?

Yesterday:
"Yeah, I continue to ask God that if I haven't learned everything I need to learn from this season of suffering with insomnia, then I want Him to continue it..."  [me]


Last night:
12 am....2 am....4 am.....6 am...
sleepless.  One of the worst nights in a few months.  This after a victory of finally 'stopping' taking my sleeping pills and thinking that the worst of this insomnia is over and I'm recovering. [ugh]


Today:
Discouragement.  Despair.  Desperation.  A weeping puddle of mush.  
[I guess I'm not done Lord.  I guess there's still work to be done.  I guess this season hasn't brought forth all the fruit you want.  Here I am again.  Undone.] 


My thoughts rested on the Israelites today.  Freed from slavery by the very hand of God!  Running free from Egypt with plunder and nothing but hope and excitement for what the future held!  And then, to hit the Red Sea and see the Egyptians coming after them.   I can just see their faces (reflected in my own mirror) "I thought this would be easy now!  I thought we were through with captivity.  Why would you rescue us only to have us be destroyed by the Egyptians after all??"  Duh.  God is able.  To deliver.  From captivity and pharoahs, and troops and chariots, and charioteers, and rivers...


I love what Moses said.  I felt like they were words to me:
"Don't be afraid.  Just stand still and watch the LORD rescue you today.  The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again.  The LORD himself will fight FOR you- just stay calm." Exodus 14:13


Breathe.  Stay calm.  Trust.  Believe.  I feel like parenting myself "HOLD STILL child.  Relax. Stay calm."   How quickly I am prone to emotion, to fear, to doubt, despair, discouragement.  My hope cannot rest in my circumstances changing.  They have to rest in my God who is unchanging and His ability to give me the strength for today and each day.


grrr.  I'm eating my yesterday words.

For His Glory

It's all for God's glory.  This knowledge moves me to repentance.  I was made for His glory alone, I was saved and redeemed for His glory, I am broken and restored for His glory, it is all for Him.  All of it.  Any ounce, any drop of good that is wrung from these times, is His to claim.   I am reminded how short life is.   'Like grass,' we are.  Whatever my plight, the days of my life will assuredly pass quickly.  

I have been chosen to know God, to believe in Him, and to understand that He alone is God.  There is no other.  (taken from Isaiah 43:10).  To Him be the glory for my salvation, both ultimately and in this circumstance.  He says in Isaiah "I have refined you, but not as silver is refined.  Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering.  I will rescue you for My sake- yes, for My own sake!  I will not let My reputation be tarnished, and I will not share My glory with idols."

Wow.  I know He loves me with the fiery love of a Father, who knows my name and has engraved it on His palm, yet He will rescue me not for me.  (Pay attention, soul, this life is not about you!)  Yes my God is a compassionate God, one who knows my weaknesses, one who has not only walked on this earth, but tamed it.  However, He will save me, ultimately, not to make it easier for me, not simply to save me from my affliction, but for His glory.  For His names' sake.

It's His story.  

Learning from Job

God doesn't have to explain why He allows trails and sufferings in our lives.  In fact, He may never explain, never reveal, and never justify the struggles He allows in our lives.  He doesn't even have to ask permission to use both good and bad to shape and form us (anymore than He has to justify why both sun and rain are needed to grow life on earth).  These are hard facts for me to swallow.  I am blessed beyond anything I deserve in that I have Christ with me in all my sufferings.  I am blessed beyond so many who have no hope and are in despair because they have not His promise that Christ will not leave or forsake them amidst their darkest valleys of life.  Yet somehow I still kick and scream, cry and wail when trouble comes my way.  I still do not naturally sing "all of my life, in every season, You are still God and I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship" or as ginny owens sang "if all of these trials, bring me closer to you- then I will go through the fire if you want me to."  In some ways it can make troubles seem harder when, as a believer, I know that God loves me and yet has still allowed these trials to come.  But again, I am still just supposed to trust, let go of my fears and doubts, and hold on to Him.  I'm to crawl if I must, nose to the dust, just to reach and hold onto the hem of His robe, cling to Him with and for my very life.  Tell me this gets easier as trials come again and again? How many trials will it take for me to learn to trust Him?

An image of our recent hike comes to mind.  Jason was climbing down the mountainside- holding onto the chains, clinging to the rocks, and I was practically in tears worrying about him losing his footing and going crashing to the ground with Silas strapped to his chest.  But there was Silas, snug, warm, sleeping next to Jason's chest, unaware of all that was going on around him.  My Father's feet are sure.  They will not slip.  He does not make mistakes, He does not tumble, He has no regrets.  He sees and knows every crack and crevasse and I am to just lie asleep next to His chest.  I am to allow what comes, sing and praise Him in all the struggles, and know that God is God.  His reasons are beyond my understanding.  His knowledge is too much for me to bear.  I do not need to know why or how long, or what for.  I need only to trust that He is enough for me today.

Lord help me.  This trial is much, much more than I can bear alone.  As Job said in 6:11 “But I don’t have the strength to endure.  I have nothing to live for.  Do I have strength of a stone?  Is my body made of bronze?  No, I am utterly helpless, without any chance of success.”  

I have what Job did not- Christ in me, the hope of glory.  He is my only chance of success through the fires of this life.

So I surrendor to You.  I surrendor my life.  I surrendor all.  Not that you need my permission, but I give it to You God.  Do what you will, have Your way, use this trial or any other suffering.  Just bring me closer to You, make me more like You.

Do they sleep?

I've determined that I'm going to learn something from this trial of sleeplessness. I don't want all this struggle to be wasted on me. It's brought a lot of thoughts to my mind too about who else might be sleepless.

I'm awake again tonight, lost in the world of sleeplessness and I wonder-
Do they sleep?
those who are terrified by war and surrounded by death?
Do they sleep?
those who are abused, victimized, awaiting their oppressor's return?
Do they sleep?
those who are lonely in a prison cell, never to have justice?
Do they sleep?
whose homes are devastated by disaster, whose infants are dying in their arms?
Do they sleep?
whose eyes are tired from crying, whose losses are overwhelming and endless...?

Did he sleep?
he who knew the sins of the world were to be upon his shoulders?
Did he sleep?
he who was alone and facing death, beaten and abandoned by the ones he came to save?
Did he sleep?
knowing that he was the only one who could bring mercy and justice to the earth
Did he sleep?
the night before he was betrayed into the hands of sinners, before the greatest act of God was to be accomplished through the loss of his own life?

I lie awake at night and am comforted
Not by the gravity of others' trials compared to mine, nor by the reality that was Christ's horrible death but because I know...

He does not sleep
He who keeps the world in His hands, who sees every suffering child, alone, cold, and homeless
He does not sleep
He who knows every oppressor, every unborn nameless child, and every hurting soul
He does not sleep
and He is enough to comfort me in every trial, even as I too lie awake at night, wishing for the peace of sleep

He is sleepless with me
and I am not alone


I hope I can work on prayer and intercession for all the other sleepless bodies in the world... the nights must be that much longer and lonelier for those whose worlds are literally shattering around them.

Injection Free!

I was reviewing old journal entries today from early in pregnancy and I find it so amazing. I was so anxious and worried, afraid of how my diagnosis would affect my pregnancy. I fought it for awhile, argued with doctors, and just didn't want to have to endure 9 months + 6 weeks of daily needle injections. The medication for the injections is expensive, it's obviously painful, and how would I ever know if I could have a healthy pregnancy without them? Should I gamble and not take the injections since I didn't believe I even had this condition to begin with? Or should I take these doctors' opinions as a protection from God- to protect the baby and me from a disastrous outcome?

And here I am. Now all of that is hindsight. It's in the past. It's finished.

Praise God the giver and sustainer of life! He created Silas in my womb, He knit him together perfectly, He protected us from health complications and His grace WAS sufficient for me, His power WAS made perfect in my weakness. I made it! I did the injections, I daily had to sit down again, take a deep breath again, say a quick prayer again, and endure a painful self-inflicted jab.

But the cost was not too high.

I see Silas and I think "of course it was worth it." I think "why did I worry? Why was I afraid?" "of course God would protect us, of course He would be enough."

I need this to be a lesson for life. To let go and trust God that He ALWAYS has my good in mind because of Christ. I need to remember every time I look at Silas that it was surely God who gave him to me, sustained his life in me- despite health conditions, and brought forth good from bad.

I praise You Father because of your goodness to me.