Lately

So I'm basically freaking out about the fact that in one week I am back to work.  By freaking out I mean:

trying to do some Christmas advent prep
cleaning the house from top to bottom (hopefully?)
making a meal rotation plan
shopping, stocking up, organizing
studying (or actually, blogging even though I should be studying)

Ah.

It just dawned on me though, why am I freaking out? Going back to work means I'll be working into the night, be on my feet for 12 hours, get germs all over me, not know what I'm doing, constantly be multi-tasking, at peoples' beck and call...

Wait!  Stop!  That has been my stay-at-home-mom job description for the last year.  Phew.  No need to panic.

Except I'll be paid.  And have a coffee break.  And no one will be watching me when I pee. (Score!)

I'm actually dreading it more than I am letting on.   The very notion of carving out a new normal, weaning my baby boy, and being gone for much of December brings me almost to tears.  But then I breathe and remember that life will go on and that I AM excited about adding teaching to my 'back to work' jobs.  BCIT hear I come!

But besides crying, freaking-out and planning, I've been trying to distract myself from the inevitable return to work by...

[1] Attending our amazing women's Christmas brunch book swap.  Pinterest inspired decor, amazing speaker and song-writer Carolyn Arends, two new books to take home [Poisonwood Bible & the Guernsey...], incredible brunch food and a great entry into the Christmas season.  Way to go NLCC!

[2] Decorating for Christmas.  I love re-purposing old decor in new ways.  I have to say that I still adore the colour combo of gold and burgundy.  I'm not so much into the modern addition of purples, blues and silvers.  Not my style.

my mantle:

(p.s. the 'sign' is pinned to the back of our usual picture on the mantle. Maybe tacky, maybe brilliant)

Oh, and with the kitchen renovating yucks behind, I'm super happy with an open shelving concept now because I can jazz it up seasonally.  So fun.

[3] Taking-in extra kids.  But I mean, how cute are they?

(future daughters-in-law on board!)

[4] Baking

Dairy consumption is getting so close I can almost taste it on my lips (and feel it on my thighs).  I have been dairy-free for almost a year because of Toby's allergy.  I'm actually getting so used to it I was thinking of continuing to abstain...but then I saw this and this on pinterest.  What better season to re-introduce dairy into my diet? Good-bye self control.  

But this is still dairy free baking.  As you can see, Silas has a sweet tooth like mine:

[5] Re-doing my blog

Notice any changes?  Why has it never occurred to me that my husband works in I.T. and can do fancy things with a computer and websites (and therefore ask him to help me fix my blog?)  Or maybe it was my secret plan all along...woo him with baking and then sabotage all his free evenings with my own internet projects.  Mua ha ha ha.

(Notice any changes?)  Trying to think up a new way to make my banner and organize it all.

[6] Starting the advent madness!

Silas and I packed a compassion box the other day which was very fun.  I love that we prayed together and that he's learning about giving.  I need to be a better model of giving on a regular basis...

Yes, he is asking if he can have one of the suckers

[7] Chasing these crazy boys.

[8] Reading about random things.  Including (but not limited to):

orphans

home-schooling

globalization and the effect of buying things 'cheap'

and

women who have dealt with adversity

All this to say: my head is full, my days are busy, my prayers are many and it's all about to get a bit crazy.  If you don't hear from me on my blog, well, that's why!

Snot, and Other Amazing Childhood Mysteries

Okay, I'm a nurse.  So people come to me all the time asking questions that I should know the answer to, cause I should know every random fact related to health, right?  But I don't.

Take for example these many 'health' mysteries that I have pondered since being a parent, like:

1. How does the body produce so much snot?  I mean, where does it all come from?  I am pretty sure Toby  should be bone dry by now, skin parched, joints fused, cells dehydrated, but no.  His nose keeps liquefying all over every surface of our house. Shouldn't his head be concave for lack of all the fluid it's lost?  Nope.  His noggin remains firm. Huh?  

2. How does childhood sleep math work?  I mean, is there some formula somewhere?  A child is overtired, but is less likely to sleep.  Then if they sleep more, they sleep better for longer.  What?  Shouldn't this be basic addition and subtraction?  They lose sleep, they should make up for it the next time right?  RIGHT?  

3. Where do teeth come from?  I mean, they are lying dormant under the gums and then they just erupt, from where?  What?  Am I missing something here?  Does bone just appear?

4. Vomit.  To anyone who hasn't witnessed this, you probably think that us parents are lying.  But it's true: how in the world does a child of such small stature, projectile puke so far?  I know I was never good at physics, but it seems somehow improbable that children can cover such distant lands in such numerous quantities of putrid stench, without taking a running leap at the same time.  So. Weird.

5.  There are periods of time when it seems like Silas survives off of air and fishy crackers.  Yet, by some miracle, he still produces an enormous amount of poop.  Huh?  I figured quantity in = quantity out.  But no.  He is an overachiever.  He is above his class, advanced you might say, in his ability to ingest nothing and empty his entire intestines.  It's really remarkable.  And disgusting.  (Mostly disgusting- even for a nurse).

I'm sure many of these mysteries could be solved with a query to my faithful friend Google  but where is the fun if there are no mysteries left unsolved?  Instead, I will just ponder and wonder at the miracle of growing humans and their miraculous body fluids and such.

Any mysteries of child-science that you marvel at?

Brothers

For the first time I really feel like I'm beginning to parent brothers instead of just sons.  I spend all day vigilantly separating, correcting, refereeing, debriefing, time-out(ing), and doing damage control with these two little ones.  

Toby, on his own, is quite content to play independently exploring his world and sucking on every little thing.  He is not easily excitable and seems to enjoy quiet, focused solitude where he is left to simply wander and figure things out.  

Silas, on his own, is more demanding wanting Mommy to watch and see and experience everything he does.  However, he can sometimes be counted on to play with his legos alone or is incredibly engaged and fun to do activities with.  

But (cause there is always a but), when these two boys are in the same room [which we have been forced to be due to our kitchen renos], here comes trouble.  Silas is ever in Toby's face grabbing his feet, bonking his head, pushing him over, taking his toys, commanding his attention, and telling him what to do.  This makes Toby cry and whine.  If it's not Silas instigating, then Toby is ever into Silas's toys.  Whenever Silas finally gets into something like making lego towers or the like, Toby is right there beside him eyeing the same toys, crawling on his lego, grabbing things, pushing them over- not to be thwarted or distracted from his main mission: get whatever Silas has.

When did these boys get like this?

I mean it's cute that they like to be together -right?  It's cute that Silas wants Toby to chase after him after he takes his walker- right?  It's cute that Silas likes to pin Toby like a pancake to hug and kiss him-right?  

Okay okay, it's not all bad.  It's cute that when I go to wake up Silas (with Toby in tow) Toby grins hugely and that Silas tries to make Toby laugh. 

But generally speaking,  why can't they just leave each other alone?  I can't really ever leave the two of them alone in a room for even. one. minute.  Peeing in privacy?  Nope.  Washing dishes in the bathroom?  Nope.  Running up the stairs to grab something? Nope.  

grrrrrrrrr.

Silas wasn't thrilled about this arrangement

Close behind at Silas' heels...

But they are definitely cute together and I pray that they will someday learn to play together. Nicely.

Precious, Sweet Toby

Almost 10 months.  Is it just me or does that seem like it's passed too quickly?  I cannot believe that my blue eyed baby is getting so close to a year old.  We are so blessed to have this content, sweet, kissable, curious,  precious life in our home.  

This stage with him is just so fun [makes me want another baby sooner!]  He is endlessly curious and is the fastest climber, crawler, explorer around.  I literally have to be constantly vigilant.  Not only would he be up the stairs before I could even say "stairs," - well, he'd be splashing his little chubby hand in that toilet bowl too!  

I cannot help but feel already sentimental at the thought that I'll be returning to work in two short months.  I don't want this stage to end!  I am endlessly kissing and hugging this little snuggly boy and he's happiest (or so I say) when he's around Mama.  

It's gotten a bit busy in this household now that Silas and Toby are like little magnets.  One is always in the others' way causing for some serious refereeing.  But I love watching how Toby has started dancing along to music, I love seeing his little "power stance" we call it (when he stands up in the middle of the room unassisted and just stands there, legs bent and wide), and love hearing his little giggle.  

He always has his little tongue pointing out or his lips sucked in while concentrating.  He is constantly grabbing and pulling hair, turning things over and over in his hands, and is the most wiggly little guy!  He is a good little eater and loves avocado and puffs.  He still is gummy mouthed- no teeth to be seen.

He is a sensitive sleeper meaning that he still wakes up sometimes in the night and doesn't transfer well, but he is generally a decent napper (napping twice a day).  

Love this little baby boy.

Here's some photos of his cute-ness:

(power stance!)

Never seen him happier than in mud and water (and clothes-less)

Into the neighbor's yard

"I'm a big kid too, right?  I can climb the playground?"

In my mouth

Loves climbing ALL over Momma

Love. Him.

Trouble, Sweeet Trouble

He's on the move and boy is he a sneaky, cute little mover.

All boy.  Oh boy.  He's the sweetest little baby though so no complaints here.

Not sure Silas will agree with me soon though...

 

yup.  He really did grab his brother and push him down.  Hi-larious.  Silas wasn't so thrilled.

"I spilled the blueberries"

"I spilled the blueberries."  This phrase has come to haunt me over the past week.  

The scene: 

I had attempted to grocery shop with two little boys.  It was mostly going well although it was requiring an enormous amount of energy to keep them entertained, behaved, and prevent them from de-shelving everything (while simultaneously navigating a grocery store that I hate).

However, mid-shop I needed to take Silas to the potty.  Can someone please tell me how one is supposed to hold a wiggly, acrobatic 7 month old who can reach further than seems humanly possible and is keen on sucking on every surface WHILE stripping a toddler of their clothes, lifting them onto the potty and then doing that whole thing again in reverse?

How?
My options were 1. leave Toby in the grocery cart outside of the bathroom (Obviously this would be neglectful and dangerous so that wasn't going to work) 2. take the cart into the bathroom (they wouldn't let me nor would it fit) 3. put Toby on the floor in the bathroom stall (gross, gross, gross) or 4. grunt, groan, complain and exclaim as I tried to both hold Toby and help Silas.

Anyways.  

The shop continued with Silas getting restless and aggressive with Toby so he ended up walking at his toddler -5km/hr pace making me ever so frustrated.  By the time I had paid and finally loaded the groceries in bags (I would almost pay to have someone do this for me) I was very ready to be done shopping.

My exhaustion was rising, I had to pee, and both boys needed to get home to be fed and sleep so the scene was worsening by the second.  Just at the exit I realized I couldn't find my keys.  We were in-between doorways and I was in the home stretch and I was rooting through my purse to no avail.

No keys to be seen.  Frustration rising.  Well, I gave Silas the box of blueberries to hold, instructing him to hold onto them very carefully.  I gave him the berries partially to placate him and partially to motivate him to behave. I told him he could have some once we got to the car.  I'm on the floor at this point, almost to the desperate point of dumping my purse out when:

Crash.

All I see are blueberries around me.  Silas is wailing and I just snapped.  I didn't yell and scream, but I was very angry.  I gave Silas a hard time and made him feel bad about him dropping the blueberries.  "Look what you've done.  Now you won't get any blueberries.  I told you to hold them carefully now look what's happened... etc" But I went too far.  Much too far.

Oh, I can justify my actions: "I was exhausted, I was tired, I was pushed to the limit of what I am capable of doing as a person..." But I made him feel ashamed for what was probably an accident.  

Over a week later and Silas still brings this up every time I discipline him.  He'll be in trouble for something and I'll be trying to discipline him, he'll be upset, and then he'll just cry and say,"I dropped the blueberries."

Uh oh.

Can someone please tell me how to raise a rambunctious, boundary-pushing, strong willed, emotional, smart, and incredibly literate boy? I am pushed and pulled and worn thin and rung out each and every day with this boy.  He depletes most of my emotional energy.  One minute he is creative, imaginative, playful, fun, energetic, charming and charismatic making me laugh and wonder at this gift of life.  The next minute (literally the next minute) he is obstinate, deaf to instruction, rude, aggressive, obnoxious, loud, aggressive, controlling and temperamental.  

How am I supposed to be a firm but loving Mother?  How am I supposed to be kind and gracious, compassionate and forgiving while also needing to be firm and provide discipline?  How am I supposed to weather this toddler season without going literally insane?

I don't want to repeat the blueberry incident but I am stretched so often in my abilities to care for this 2 year old, I'm afraid these scenes happen too often. I am often out of wisdom and creative ideas in how to motivate, instruct and inspire obedience.  Oh, by the way I have a baby in the background who may or may not be crying, falling off of furniture and barfing into clean laundry baskets.  Oh, by the way, it hasn't stopped raining for a month. Oh, by the way, I get easily angered, I am trying to maintain a perfectly clean home, I am desperate for control, I try to do this in my own strength, I am incredibly hard on myself, I'm very selfish, I am a horrible sinner and I rarely get a solid 6 hours of sleep a night.  

Okay God.  I need your help.  No, I really really really mean it this time.  

Still Fits

Funny, some things don't change.  Apparently the Tupperware cupboard is 

still just as fun (and messy) as a year ago!  

15 months old

 

29 months old

Recent Photo Favs'

 How Toby likes to 'see' the world.  Safely tucked close to mom or dad but still being able to take it all in:

My baby melons in the tub:

I love this picture because it so accurately portrays the differences in these two brothers' personalities.  Silas is like a pinball- bouncing around and off of people and things at a fast pace, excitable, dramatic and ridiculously energetic.  Silas is thrilled to be sitting in the tub with his brother.  Toby's reaction?  "What's all the noise about?"  He'd rather just sit with some toys quietly, taking it all in- but usually Silas is in his face blocking his view.  This should get really interesting as they get older.

AND

Pinterest. Fail.

You know those great ideas for photographing your child at different stages to compare their size?  Like this? photo sequence Well.  I started that.  Then forgot.  So I have this random picture of Toby in a laundry basket at 2 months.  Now, instead of being the beginning of a cute and memorable photo series, I just look like a neglectful parent. (or a candidate for  http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/ )  I can just hear him one day asking me, "Mom, why am I unsafely positioned in a laundry hamper?"

I tried to remedy this ill-fated situation by taking another picture now at 7 months.  And got this:

Yes.  He is licking it.

Oh how I love pinterest ideas if only I had more time...

Into the Awkward

I have crossed over.  I am no longer a 'new' mom but am becoming a 'seasoned mom.'  I am not quite at pro status but I have adapted enough that I am becoming that awkard mom.  I used to be a prude.  I used to think certain things were inappropriate, rude, or just downright awkard.  

Now I catch myself doing these things out of convenience, necessity, resourcefulness and in sheer desperation. 

Take the following for example:

1. I hardly use a nursing cover.  I used to be so concerned, made sure to have a nursing bra, shirt and cover and hide away.  Now?  Forget it.  Wrestling a 6 month older under a cover is the least of my concerns.  Hiding my woohoos from view?  Sorry.  I just don't have the energy.

2. I have used my shirt sleeve to wipe my kids' nose.  Gross.  But whatever.

3. I forget to shut the bathroom door.  I mean, usually I remember.  But during the day it's wide open to keep my eye on an ever mischievous child so if I remember while I have company, you should feel special!

4. Any surface is fair game for changing a diaper.  I remember cringing when a mom changed her child's diaper on my coffee table.  Ha!  I don't even use a change pad anymore!  (I'm just that quick, like a ninja... or maybe lazy).

5. I no longer hold in my farts while running, when there's people around.  We all do it people!  I've been desensitized by a farting, belching, "I pooooooped!" shouting 2 year old.

6. I've walked around whole days without half of my nursing bra snapped into place.  Oops. Lopsided.  Used to be awkward. 

7.  Close all the blinds in order to nurse Toby?  Nope. I figure if you're peeping through my windows you deserve to get a shocker.

8.  I've walked around with tags on my new shirt without noticing- you know the sticky kind along the front of your shirt/pants which says the size?  Why don't they make them more noticeable anyways?  I figure, why wash something that's new?  That's just more laundry...

9.  I didn't have socks to wear at a kids play place.  So?  I crammed my 2 year olds' socks onto my feet.  They fit somehow! 

10. Nursing pads?  They work as bum wipes, nose wipes, and if you use two together: pads.  I'm not gonna lie.

11. Bathroom talk.  I have a double dose of awkward: I'm a nurse and a mother of a potty-training toddler.  I no longer realize I'm talking about poop or pee mid conversation.  It's always relevant.  Always.

12. I try on clothes overtop of my clothes at stores.  I remember thinking that was so awkward and weird.  Now?  Soooo convenient.

13. I still use a half-eaten chapstick.  Who has time to buy more?
14. I eat slobbered on, half eaten, mushed and mashed leftover food bits from Silas.  Even off the floor.  Or the ground.  Or (gasp) even out of a car seat.  I'm not gonna lie.  It's been done.  When else do I get a chance to eat these days?
15.  And the piece de resistance: I don't care if I change in the public section of the change room at the gym or pool.  It's a body.  It's naked.  Whatever.  I used to FREAK about this: "That's so awkward!  How do moms let everything just hang there for everyone to see their lumps and bumps?  Gross!"  Now?  I can't be bothered to hide away. 

The Shannon of 10 years ago would have been grossed out about the Shannon now.  Motherhood in all its awkward glory. What are some of your awkard habits?

Cleaning the Closets

I have written random poems, reflections, rants and ramblings that are crammed into computer folders.  They are hidden away, shoved behind a closed door marked "writings."  I've decided to fling wide the doors of my 'closet' and air these collections out.  

Who knows:  maybe I'll find a treasure. Maybe some of these wrinkly messes will bless others. Or, maybe they're back there for a reason.  Help me clean out my closets.  

I'll be posting some writings.  Let me know what you think!  If I suck at poetry, let me know (gently).   Let's see what is back there, dusty in a corner, ignored and unfruitful.

Here's the first one. It's probably not my best, it's probably cheesy, but here it is. [You'll note that when I wrote this I only had "4 limbs" to mother but this amount has doubled!  If I were to re-write it I would add an additional paragraph about 2 year olds, there would be more mention of laundry, and the hum of a dishwasher and a crying baby would be somehow heard above the beating drum of my predictable rhymes].

Just Another Day

I awake, get dressed, and fight the fatigue

a little boy greets me, running at full speed.

Smiling and talking 100 miles per hour,

“tractor, truck, cookie, train, cake, and tower.”

Breakfast and dressing, diapers, and tag,

dishes, and laundry, one more dirty rag.

Rooms to be organized, owies to kiss

4 limbs that want wrestling, an appointment to miss.

I groan and I sigh, “If only today,”

“could be something different: extra-ordinary,” I say.

“No. It’s just another day.”

But then I think upon that statement and wonder how it could be

that I’d want more than my life, even at its same speed.

Food in the pantry, roof overhead,

clothes for our covering, sheets for our bed.

A husband and father who works, receives pay

then comes home to kiss me at the end of our day.

Our nation's not at war, our health: intact.

Our family is supportive, our wealth: a fact.

Some have no peace, no hope in the divine

And me? I have both. Ingratitude is my crime.

How can I possibly complain in remorse

that today is simply ordinary, a typical life’s course?

Instead:

I’ll choose joy and be thankful once more

for the balls thrown right at me, and food on the floor.

I’ll laugh at the experience of moments like these

I’ll smile, and I’ll savour, and I will this breath seize.

I'll awaken to my life, the one that I hold

it is fragile, it is blessed, it’s a mystery to unfold.

Even when I wonder what life is like ‘out there’

as I stare out the window and feel it’s unfair:

I’ll remember to praise the Giver before this day ends.

because even if this day’s ordinary, God did for me send:

Hope for my future in chaos and pain

a savior, His presence in the dark, dreary rain.

Provisions, protection, Christ: my hope and my source

And He is the ‘extra’ in every ordinary days’ course.

On a Day Like Today

7:30 am.  Usually Silas is up already for the day.  But he wasn't.  "Perfect, I thought, I can get Toby down for his morning nap before Silas wakes up!"  8:00.  Silas is still sleeping, "That's odd, but I'll do some chores..."  8:30 am.  I go in to check on him and find him beside a puddle of puke.  Uh oh.  By 12 o'clock it had been a warzone of projectile vomiting, diarrhea, fevers, loads of laundry and lysol wipes.

I'm not sure this is possible, but it seems that Silas has bounced back hugely this evening.  I'm not holding my breath but in the meantime, I'm going to count my blessings.  I've super thankful because...

1. I have a washing machine and dryer.  I did 9 loads of laundry in the past 2 days.  Imagining this same scene whilst having to wash things by hand is,well, horrid.
2. Information and an education at my fingertips.  As a nurse, I know some basic things like hand washing, replacing fluids, and how to manage a fever.  Even if I didn't have a nursing education (which in itself is a reason for praising God), the internet is right here at my fingertips for clues on how to manage a sick toddler.  Many mothers worldwide don't have this kind of information at their fingertips.
3. Family close by.  I'm thankful for a Nana, Papa and Grandma who texted today and for a Grandma who lives close enough to run out and get some Pedialyte and Gravol for Silas (since I was car-less).
4. Medical help is only a phone call away, or a 10 minute drive to the hospital.  Knowing that I have access to help if things go sour is incredible.  So few around the world have this luxury with their sick kid. [Shout out to all you missionaries out there: you are a-amazing that you give this 'security' up for the sake of the call].
5. Clean water.  I know that if I give Silas water, the water is clean.  It won't make his sickness worse.
6. Access to medications.  Tylenol and Gravol helped us out today.  How much worse to watch your child suffer without these helpful aids?
7. Flushable toilets.  Enough said.
8. I'm grateful Silas is potty trained (mostly) at this point.  This meant that his D-train went down the D-rain rather than in a diaper.  (Shudder).
9. A husband, who works close-by, and who could come home early and bring me a happy-hour-frappe.  All of these things could make 4 different thanksgiving points.
10. My child will most likely get better. [In fact, miraculously, he seems to be MUCH better this evening]. Some parents have to watch their kids get sick. Every. Day.  And are not able to do anything about it but watch.  This alone makes me overwhelmed with how blessed I am.

Thanks God.  So much to be thankful for on a day like today.