A Choice

*I could spend pages writing about how low and despairing I am.  How bad my sleep is, how terrible this lot that has been given to me.  

I could weep onto this page with descriptive words of what terrible fatigue feels like and blog about how endlessly bad I've gotten it.  I could appeal for justice, I could beg for your prayers, your pity.  

But the truth is this:  I have endless, eternal reasons to have hope. I have great and wonderful reasons to praise God.  I have a Savior who endured suffering to the point of death, so that I could receive new life.  He is more than enough to carry me through the deepest, darkest, scariest valley that I could encounter in this life.  

His comfort is my shelter,  hoping in Him is not only all I've got, but it's all I need.  I am weary, I am broken, I'm run-down, I am at the lowest place but I will choose, right now, to life up His praises.  

I will fight this sorrow, this despair with praise.  Why?  Because God is good.  Because He is enough.  Because God loves me and will not abandon me.  Because God will rescue me.  If not from my circumstances, He will rescue me from the pit of despair and fear.  To You, O Lord, be the glory forever and ever.*

With no reason to hope and fear rising within

Unable to face this suffering once again

At the end of myself, the end of my rope

I will choose once again in my Jesus to hope

That He will soon restore me

Bring new life from despair

That He will yet heal me

And comfort my fears

I offer my sorrow

And I take up your praise

I’ll choose joy in this valley

Your name high I will raise

For Your promises are faithful

Your love, it is sure,

Your presence is with me

Your mercy endures

I will not fear the darkness

Another night filled with strife

I will dwell in your goodness

You are the author of my life

Your ways, they are higher

Your plans, they are great

I do not doubt you will rescue

I will be patient and wait

For you do not abandon

Those that you love

You bring rest to the weary

And help the lowly rise up

Oh dear potter, I trust you

My brokenness, please mend

Be glorified in my suffering

This trial to you, I rend.

Nursing, Body Image and Letting Go

Wow.  Today marks the first day that my body is 'my own' again [with the exception of my husband of course]  after 9 months of pregnancy, 14 months of nursing, and more than 2000 feedings later....and here I am. Just me.  No baby in my belly to support, no baby in my arms to nourish.  Just me.  I have to admit, it's been hard letting go of the last nursing.  Silas doesn't need it anymore and, well, I was shocked to admit that I was the one wanting to keep nursing him.  I feel like I have to already start letting go of my baby boy.  He's not a baby anymore: he's got 4 teeth now, climbs the stairs independently and has his own agenda.  But, I have not been ready to let go of him 'needing' me.  Partly because he is ultra in love with his daddy and I was a little sad to relinquish the last real reason I had for him needing me more.  I also think part of the reason is because never in my life have I felt better about my body than over these past 2 years.  Carrying a child in pregnancy was a joy and I felt beautiful and strong.  Afterwards, even though I felt, for the first time, freedom to eat whatever and however much I wanted because I was nursing a child, I actually ate the best I probably ever have. Suddenly, how I 'looked' to the outside world didn't matter as much anymore: I was a mom!  


Funny.  If you would have asked me a number of months ago about giving up nursing, I would have been jumping up and down excited.  Crazy how things change.  Nursing was definitely challenging: engorgement and pain at first, frustrating and time-consuming at other times, messy and irritating and overwhelming....I couldn't imagine the thought of nursing a child to a year old when Silas was 3 months or so because it just felt SO hard!  But here I am.  14 months later and having a hard time giving it up!  It's been an amazing journey and I'm not sure I've ever kept up with something so long!  It's been a joy holding and cuddling my little boy, being needed and depended upon, having the ability and gift of being about to nourish Silas each and every day.  I can't believe I'll never nurse him again- that makes me so sad!  Never again will he need me as much.  I know, he'll need me in different ways, and I still am providing love, support, direction, and care for him every day....but....sigh.  


I have to admit that with this 'letting go,' I've had major 'wanna-nother-baby' blues lately. Somehow I feel like now that I've been needed so much, I don't want to let that go!  However, the reality is that with my sleep still the way it is and my dependence on sleeping pills, J and I think God may be wanting us to wean me off these medications and go back to as natural of a sleep as possible, before blessing us with another little life.  We trust His perfect timing for another baby, Lord willing.  I hope it's soon though because I miss being pregnant and I already miss nursing!!!!


I guess Silas and I will bond in other ways:

a good song

4 hours of sleep between exhausting 12 hours shifts- and this song was playing in my car.  It took a bit to keep it together, but my heart was holding onto the hope that one day, I will see Him, and everything will be alright.


[lifehouse]


how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

I know you didn't
bring me out here to drown 
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light

My Handsome Posing Son

Nothing like my handsome, amazing, hilarious little boy to add sunshine to my home and life.  Here he is.  It was an impromptu photo shoot because the light was coming in just so, and he was focused enough on my phone to sit still for photos.  Sigh.  So cute.

Prayers

Just a call out for those who DO read my blog to keep me in your prayers.  For those of you more familiar with my struggles, sleep has been an issue for the past year.  I'm still currently taking sleeping pills which I have been trying to get off of for months and months without success.  Problem is, I can get to sleep, but only ever sleep 4-5 hours a night.  Not really enough.  Now, with the addition of shift work, I am not only terrified of the consequences- I'm already realizing them.  On night shifts we have 2-3 hours to sleep.  I used to sleep no problem.  Now I can't.  I just lie there, completely exhausted.  I was up for over 24 hours for my shift last night and didn't get a bit of sleep.  After work I came home and was able to sleep my typical 4.5 hours but it just never feels like enough.  I've seen a naturopath which so far hasn't seemed to help and every trip to my doctor ends up with the same message "sleeping pills are fine,"  "here's another prescription."  Everything I read says that sleeping pills should be used for 2 weeks max.  I've been on them for over 8/9 months and still I only sleep for 4-5 hours a night and cannot, for the life of me, get off of them.


I don't want to just complain.  But I'm looking for a bit of hope- and well, your prayers.  
Pray for me to get off these pills and get a natural rest.
Pray for me to be able to have the courage to go days of having rebound insomnia from withdrawal from the pills if necessary.
Pray my sleep would come back so I won't just go running back to pills.
Pray for perseverance and endurance.


Some days I'm barely coping, barely keeping hope that it will ever be different.  Maybe this is my new normal but I refuse to believe it is.  How can it be?  There's no way I can go on with my sleep like this but I don't know where else to turn.


Wow.  Depressing.  I'm sure you're all sick of hearing all about this.  But I guess this is what real life problems are: often ongoing, often without clear answers, and if you want to walk with me through this, that'd be great.

Winter Rose

I am not an avid gardener, but I kind of want to be.  There are so many life lessons that can be learned from gardening.  I took a trip to the nursery in late fall and hoped to fix up my front gardens with some things that would grow over this wet and dreary time of year.  Low and behold, without much attention, my beautiful winter roses have bloomed.
'Did she say bloomed?' oh yes I did.  My roses just started blooming this past week.  This brings me much hope.

The other day as I was spending time reflecting on some of the difficulties over this past year, my trials and sufferings, I looked out my window to see these flowers budding and felt so hopeful.

I want to be a winter rose.  Growing and blooming despite hard soil, wind, rain, snow (the rose bush had a foot of snow covering it before the flowers bloomed a few days later). I look around and in this time of year and weather, nothing else seems to be blooming.  That's the type of character I want to have.  That's the type of person I want to be.
I want to bloom in the difficult seasons.  I want the endurance, the perseverance and faith to wait for the fruit and the beauty, through the darkest times of my life.

Parenthood: Risk Management and Vaccinations

Jason and I have come to realize that so much of parenthood appears to be weighing risks.  It's frightening living in this day and age.  We have access to so much information and media on the internet. With that, comes the issue of weeding through all this 'information' and making informed decisions about our children's' health and well-being.  Who do you trust to give you accurate information?  Websites?  Peoples' experiences?  Dr's?  No one is purely objective and no one can be trusted (is what we learn in this generation).   


Take the issue of vaccinations (a big one).  Do you, or do you not vaccinate? What once was a clear decision (in an era where every second child got debilitating effects of polio) is now complicated.  What about autism?  What about other terrifying 'reported' neurological effects of vaccinations?  For me, having seen the effects of polio on children in rural Africa, it seems to be an obvious decision- the risks of vaccination are clearly outweighed (to me) by the benefits.  But then, what if, after giving Silas 3 shots today, he somehow comes down with autism?  What would I think then?  Who am I to question many parents' real experiences of their children going in for shots one day and developing autism shortly after?  


Gah!  Not only is making an informed choice difficult, but then feeling confident of that decision is even harder!  Hmph. How does any parent live with any decision they make?  


Jason and I struggle through over-analysis-paralysis.  I feel overwhelmed, most of the time, about trying to make 'the best' decision.  I don't want to be under-informed, but often being over-informed causes me more headaches and frustration.  Especially because I never feel confident that I DID make 'the best' decision.  For example: if I be overprotective and don't let Silas climb trees, or play outside, or run around the neighborhood, then perhaps he will live in fear or not develop as a normal boy should.  But then if I let my son do these things and he falls from a tree and becomes paralyzed for life, or is hit by a car, or gets abducted-then did I make the right decision?


Parenthood can be terrifying.  Every decision comes down to risk.  There's risks to not vaccinating, but also risks to vaccinating (until they do more research and absolutely conclude there is no causal relationship between vaccinations and autism).


My conclusion to these ramblings: How does any parent navigate this world today without God?


I'm working on thankfulness this month and so I am thankful that ultimately, God does see all things and protect us from many awful things. However, when bad things do happen, this doesn't negate the existence of God or disprove that He is good.  I believe that God does allow things to happen in our lives for our good.  I may not understand in this life.  I may not want to accept life's circumstances because of how hard they are, but His ways are above mine.  I cannot live in fear, or should not, because God will never change and will always be my sustainer and foundation in and through any circumstance. I'm thankful that in the midst of feeling overwhelmed and over conscious of all the things that could go wrong in parenting, I can still trust that God is good, He is control, and that all that happens in this life will one day be swept over by the glorious life to come.


Side note: I watched this documentary today on vaccinations and it was very informative.  Frontline (PBS) in the US does a great job of providing objective, free, documentaries online:
 Vaccine Documentary