What being a parent really is: prayers, a bit of anxiety, escorting poop around town

So here's the latest about what's going on with Silas' poop saga.  (If squeamish, skip ahead to last few lines of post).  I figure this would have been an extensive facebook post so I thought I'd explain the whole situation here.

About 6/7 weeks ago Silas went from 1 poop a day to about 6/7.  This was a bit odd, and well, not good. However, I had just started a new medication so we thought it might be the meds.  After a week of that, went to my GP for his 4 month checkup and they said he wasn't growing all that well and that maybe I should stop the meds.  Stopped them.  After a about 2 weeks, no change.  Went back to the doctor, this time to a local clinic, and he gave me some containers to collect a stool sample.  (Was a bit of a disaster but we managed, eventually to get some...) Ended up having to escort the poop to surrey, 40 min drive, to drop it off at the right lab (?)  We awaited test results, didn't hear anything forever.  At this point things had seemed to turn around for Silas in that he started to gain a bit better, was eating better, I was less concerned.  He was pooping 1-4 times a day, still mucousy and 'off' but we were thinking it was getting better.

Test results came back saying it wasn't bacterial, not viral, but there WAS mucous in the stool (yup, could tell), By this point we had asked for a pediatrician appointment from my GP (not until August could I get in?) and this idea was confirmed by our local medical clinic doctor who said that mucous in the stool, without any other problems (bacteria etc) was very strange indeed and we should see a specialist.  I was choosing not to look anything up about it and give it to God or else I'd worry a lot (what IS going ON?)  A few days later the clinic called us back and said, actually, come back in, there WAS a bacteria that showed up on the lab test. Took 10 days to grow the bacteria, and it's so rare, that they don't usually expect it to came back positive.   I posted about that yesterday, bacteria known as Yersinia.  Strange indeed.  You get it from food-borne/food-poisoning or animals (???)  Clinic doc said that the only way to treat it was with an antibiotic that is not usually recommended for small babes like him- only one kind he could take.  So yesterday, he left it up to us.  We were on the fence and thinking, since it should just 'fix itself' that we'd keep watching him and let it go for awhile longer without treatment.

But then there was today.

Had two more huge, mucousy stools this am and had blood in his diaper today. Ugh.  Trying not to panic...called my family doctor, back we went to my GP.  She called a pediatrician on call and they both together said, yes, do what the other clinic doctor said, and treat it.  It's been going on too long and he's still not really growing well at all (only 2 ounces per week, if that).

So that's what we're doing.  Going to try the antibiotics and hope that the antibiotics don't cause diarrhea and/or other ailments.

Pray he gets better!!!

Sigh.  Parenting.  He's teething and miserable, or happy and having bloody poop.  Good thing I had nothing in particular planned today!  Gave myself lots to worry about and a trip to the doctor to fill the time!

Silas is 5 months old

It's been a busy last month for Silas!  Lots of new milestones, lots of new adventures.  Here's his latest update:

Silas loves his bathtime!  He's discovered how to splash with his hands and feet, and loves drenching his mom and dad.  It's meant to 'calm him down' but only serves to rile him up!

He's still not so sure about being on his tummy, and hasn't quite rolled over, but he LOVES being on his back and grabbing his toes.  He gets a bit mad when his mommy puts him in a cloth diaper as he doesn't have quite the same flexibility as with a disposable.

His latest trick is being able to stand up!  He never used to bear his own weight, and when held up to the standing position, his legs would crumble beneath him.  Now he can stand while we hold his hands!  He LOVES this new trick.

He's also discovered how to actually grab what he wants (such as his mommy's hair).

He has enough coordination now to get what he wants, and, of course, put what he grabs into his mouth.  He can hold onto a book now (with a bit of assistance of course), and seems to like reading books (although his attention span is certainly not long enough for us to read all the berenstein bear books that his mommy loves).

He had a number of new adventures over this past month.  He got to meet his auntie, uncle, and cousin Jacob for the first time!  Silas also went camping for the first time in Washington for a night.  He actually did much better than we thought he'd do!

He got to see the ocean on this camping trip too and sat out on the beach with us!

Silas, being true to his name (meaning man of the forest) seems to LOVE going on hikes with us.  We just strap him to his dad and off we go!  We've done a number of hikes over this past month or two including the lower falls trail in Golden Ears' park, Lighthouse park in West Vancouver:

 the Diez Vista trail in Port Moody,

and around the beach in Birch Bay, Washington:

He still loves his jolly jumper and definitely prefers to be carried around, seeing what his mom and dad are up to.  He giggles and screeches quite a lot when he's thrown up in the air or hung upside down.

He had a rough week where it seemed he wasn't happy at all.  He was drooling all over the place, not eating well, sleeping terribly and was just generally grumpy.  No teeth to show for it yet though?  But it seems he's turned a corner over the last few days and is the happy-go-lucky Silas we knew he always was!

This month he also got to go to the zoo, a place his mom and dad hadn't even gone to (quite cool actually).  He wasn't even worried being so close to lions, tigers or bears (well, okay, he slept through most of the zoo, but he seemed to enjoy it when he was awake!)

He loves when other people are around and it would appear that he is very social.  He especially loves hanging out with family (and grandpa):

He is full of new expressions and sounds.  He likes to blow bubbles and make funny faces...ex: disgust:

We tried him on rice cereal for a few days, just for fun and he seemed to like it.  However, we decided to wait a bit just cause, well, maybe we're a bit lazy and he's still not 6 months yet...

But he enjoys sitting up in his bumbo from time to time and LOVES watching his daddy eat.  When Jason holds him at the table during dinner he watches the fork go to daddy's mouth over and over again!

It's been a busy, exciting month!  He's changing a lot lately and almost able to sit up on his own.  This month will prove to be another crazy month.  We're going to take him for a longer camping trip, up to whistler for a week, and on his first flight to Ontario!  Phew.  I'm tired just thinking about it...

Love you Silas!  You are so much fun (even when you're grumpy) and you make us laugh often!  Can't wait to find out more about who you are as time goes on!

For His Glory

It's all for God's glory.  This knowledge moves me to repentance.  I was made for His glory alone, I was saved and redeemed for His glory, I am broken and restored for His glory, it is all for Him.  All of it.  Any ounce, any drop of good that is wrung from these times, is His to claim.   I am reminded how short life is.   'Like grass,' we are.  Whatever my plight, the days of my life will assuredly pass quickly.  

I have been chosen to know God, to believe in Him, and to understand that He alone is God.  There is no other.  (taken from Isaiah 43:10).  To Him be the glory for my salvation, both ultimately and in this circumstance.  He says in Isaiah "I have refined you, but not as silver is refined.  Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering.  I will rescue you for My sake- yes, for My own sake!  I will not let My reputation be tarnished, and I will not share My glory with idols."

Wow.  I know He loves me with the fiery love of a Father, who knows my name and has engraved it on His palm, yet He will rescue me not for me.  (Pay attention, soul, this life is not about you!)  Yes my God is a compassionate God, one who knows my weaknesses, one who has not only walked on this earth, but tamed it.  However, He will save me, ultimately, not to make it easier for me, not simply to save me from my affliction, but for His glory.  For His names' sake.

It's His story.  

The rivers are deep

I am clinging to Isaiah 43 today, until my fingers rub raw.  I cannot make it through this day alone and I am thankful for God's Word that met me this morning with the words "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown."  Rivers (plural).

I imagine myself right now slipping along on the rocks.  The river is getting higher and faster, I am at an intersection of large waterways, the shore further oft.  I panic a little as the water rises over my nose and I have to have my head back to breathe.  I imagine that only my eyes and nose are above the water level and all I can do is look up and see the sky.  I cannot see forward or backward, I cannot tell if the river is going to get deeper or more shallow.  But He says when the water is DEEP and therefore dark, He will be with me. He says that I will not drown because He is my savior, my rescuer, my help.

So I take a deep breath, and rest my head back, with my hands held up, ready for rescue, I will await in faith.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I have no wisdom.  Doctors aren't helpful.  They say my thyroid is actually getting better, yet my sleep is not better.  I have maxed out on drugs and I don't want to go that route anymore, so I don't know what to do.  But I DO know that I have but one savior.  He alone will get the glory at my rescue.  He alone.

He says I am precious to Him, I am honored, and He loves me.  When the victory's still on it's way, as the battle wages around me, the flames get higher and hotter, I will wait on Christ.  Praise Jesus that one day I will be with Him and one day there will be no more suffering.  I will be forever rescued.

In the darkness

This is the hardest time of my life.  Never have I faced such darkness and despair.  Night after night of insomnia. Days of fatigue and worry, anxiety and depression.  Anger that I have lost these 4 months and the joy I could have had, had these circumstances not surrounded me. Saturday was the lowest pit.  Another tantrum, swept over, bulldozed by emotions: will this never end?  "I can't do this anymore"- I kept crying over and over again.  The weight of frustration and having nothing under my control buckled my knees and broke my heart.

I was undone.

I've tried medications, I've tried ranting and raving.  Screaming, shaking my fist, praying and crying.  I've tried sharing these emotions with everyone and anyone. Doctors, friends, family... Distracting myself, getting busy, 'accepting' these circumstances- I've done those too.

They didn't help.  They are not helping.

But God is.   As the broken pieces of me lie kneeling on the floor, He is meeting me here.  In the dark.  This unexplicable joy has engulfed me today.  I'm crying, and this time, not from the sorrow and fear, or from the despair of having a body that is not healed.  I'm crying because God has not left me, and one day, I will cry my last tear and be at rest in His presence; forever.

Have my circumstances changed?  Not at all.  In fact, I'm getting less sleep.  'Things' are in fact getting worse.  But I am changing.  Praise God, He is changing me.  If I wait until these times end, they may never come.  In fact, if my praise and hope are only 'if' and 'when' these circumstances end, I will have lost this opportunity.  Now is the time to clutch onto hope, faith and joy until my knuckles grow white, and then some.   I can have joy even as I watch the clock tick past and am still not asleep.  I can have joy even when I'm wilted by fatigue and only have the energy to shower and take care of my son.

This is the day.  Today is the day for a new beginning.  I will believe and trust that God is good and He is faithful.  And even if He never takes this sleeplessness from me... that's hard to say...but I say it again to my heart, even if He never takes this sleeplessness from me in this life, I am choosing joy.  One day, this will all be over and I will be with Him and I will be at rest.

I don't want to live another day missing the glory He can receive from my praises, even if they are screamed or whispered.

God is gracious.  He is compassionate.  He is here.  And I choose Him over this despair. 

Gardening isn't for pansies

Pruning.  Sounds about as fun as one might expect, especially when you're the one getting poked, cut down, trimmed back, and being held back from the fruit you so desire to produce. 

Ever since Silas was born over and over (and over) again I have stumbled upon messages about gardens.  I love imagery and metaphors and this one in particular speaks so strongly of what is going on in my own life.  I have more specifically heard messages and sermons, songs and poems, encouragements and prayers ALL talking about pruning.  Okay.  I get it God.  The struggles and trials I experience are in fact, allowed by You, in order to prune me.

Yippee! (kind of said sarcastically, but also with my hands tossed up in the air finally granting Him permission, even though he doesn't need it)

How I long to have fruit in my life, to be a mature believer, to be able to stand strongly on God's Word and have it flow out into my thoughts, emotions, and actions- to produce fruits of righteousness and goodness  etc.  How I long to be productive and fruitful for the Church, for others.  And how much more yet needs to be done in my heart.  Not that I believe people can't produce fruit while also in the midst of pruning, but phew, God's revealing that I'm a bit of a tangled mess and need much pruning yet.

I can't say I like pruning.  Pruning is painful.  I have shoots from my heart that are draining me of life.  Shoots of idolatry, materialism, despair, bad attitudes.  This is just the first and visible layer.  I know that the roots of these shoots go down deep- roots of bitterness and fear and unbelief.  They need to be dug up.

Oh, but I don't just need pruning, apparently I need lots of weeding action too.  I have weeds, lies that I have believed for so long, that I have a hard time deciphering truth and cannot trust my deceitful heart.

Ouch. 

Ever feel SO far from where you want to be?  I look at my little vegetable garden that we just started planting (yes, not only have I heard message after message about gardening, but God in His goodness ALSO gave me a garden plot to work on over these past months for me to REALLY get it) and think how piddly!  How pathetic!  A few little shoots of greenery here and there.  I want to have it FULL of BIG vegetables. 

But it's not there yet.  It's growing, incrementally.  When I walk over day after day I'm disappointed.  What?  They are only a cm tall???  Maybe it's the same with my spiritual growth.  I am growing, but a mm at a time, incrementally.  It's a process- right? 

Arg process.  I am born of a culture which looks for the end product, for instant, for quick gratifcation.  But gardens, plants (and me) are all growing slowly, incrementally.  And just when they are about to produce fruit, they are cut back. Good thing it's God pruning us.  He has the guts to cut out what WE think is the good stuff, so that we produce even MORE of the truly good stuff.  Gardening isn't for pansies that's for sure.

As part of the process I'm learning to choose to thank God for the pruning, even as He cuts.  Because not only will it produce 'glory that far outweighs' the suffering, but it will bring me closer to Him.

Silas is 4 months old!

Another month has gone by.  Silas is a little plumper, a little more alert, and a lot of fun!   Here are some new highlights from this month:

Silas went on his first big hike!  We drove 1.5 hours to Squamish, the hike up the Chief took almost 5 hours, and we drove the other 1.5 hours back.  Phew.  Poor Jason carried him all the way up and all the way back.  But, Silas did so well!  He only cried a bit at the end of each leg.  He got to lie down at the top of the mountain and stretch out and he was hilariously happy!

He got to meet his Oma and Opa this month and an aunt and uncle!  Silas got lots of extra  hugs and attention (of which he loved!)

Silas can now touch his knees and is paying more attention to his feet.  He plays with his hands all the time, looks at them, sucks them...  He has started to giggle!  He especially loves being tossed a bit in the air.  He loves his bath time and just figured out how to splash the water with his hands.  He still loves his soother and sucks his thumb. (and He loves being naked)

He still hates his tummy time, although his mom is trying to encourage him to do it more and more.  But, he LOVES his jolly jumper still.  He often spends at least an hour at a time in there (spitting up on himself all along, while smiling and cooing)

He got to help mom and dad plant a garden!  (He helped by sleeping in the shade of a fort that they built for him).

Silas also just got dedicated at our Church!  He never seems to mind being held by other people and so had no problems going to the pastor.  He didn't even spit up on him!  (Woohoo!  He always needs to wear a bib because of his massive spit-ups).  The photo below was after the dedication, in our backyard.

Silas usually goes to bed between 9:00 and 10:30 and sleeps until 5:30 or 6.  His daddy is a champion and gets up at night to give him some expressed milk so that mommy can sleep (way to go J!)  He also bought his mom a beautiful bouquet of flowers for mother's day and an appointment with the massage therapist.

He still loves to make noise, and be where mom or dad are.  He doesn't enjoy walks in the stroller as much  as he used to, but he does love being outside, lying on a blanket, watching the leaves rustle.

Another first:  he went to Granville Island for the first time! (And slept through a lot of it):

Here's one of my favorite outfits on him (it says King of the Jungle)

Silas is a joy and blessing!  Wow, hard to believe it's been 4 months, but then, we don't really remember life without him!  Love you little man!