Nursing, Body Image and Letting Go

Wow.  Today marks the first day that my body is 'my own' again [with the exception of my husband of course]  after 9 months of pregnancy, 14 months of nursing, and more than 2000 feedings later....and here I am. Just me.  No baby in my belly to support, no baby in my arms to nourish.  Just me.  I have to admit, it's been hard letting go of the last nursing.  Silas doesn't need it anymore and, well, I was shocked to admit that I was the one wanting to keep nursing him.  I feel like I have to already start letting go of my baby boy.  He's not a baby anymore: he's got 4 teeth now, climbs the stairs independently and has his own agenda.  But, I have not been ready to let go of him 'needing' me.  Partly because he is ultra in love with his daddy and I was a little sad to relinquish the last real reason I had for him needing me more.  I also think part of the reason is because never in my life have I felt better about my body than over these past 2 years.  Carrying a child in pregnancy was a joy and I felt beautiful and strong.  Afterwards, even though I felt, for the first time, freedom to eat whatever and however much I wanted because I was nursing a child, I actually ate the best I probably ever have. Suddenly, how I 'looked' to the outside world didn't matter as much anymore: I was a mom!  


Funny.  If you would have asked me a number of months ago about giving up nursing, I would have been jumping up and down excited.  Crazy how things change.  Nursing was definitely challenging: engorgement and pain at first, frustrating and time-consuming at other times, messy and irritating and overwhelming....I couldn't imagine the thought of nursing a child to a year old when Silas was 3 months or so because it just felt SO hard!  But here I am.  14 months later and having a hard time giving it up!  It's been an amazing journey and I'm not sure I've ever kept up with something so long!  It's been a joy holding and cuddling my little boy, being needed and depended upon, having the ability and gift of being about to nourish Silas each and every day.  I can't believe I'll never nurse him again- that makes me so sad!  Never again will he need me as much.  I know, he'll need me in different ways, and I still am providing love, support, direction, and care for him every day....but....sigh.  


I have to admit that with this 'letting go,' I've had major 'wanna-nother-baby' blues lately. Somehow I feel like now that I've been needed so much, I don't want to let that go!  However, the reality is that with my sleep still the way it is and my dependence on sleeping pills, J and I think God may be wanting us to wean me off these medications and go back to as natural of a sleep as possible, before blessing us with another little life.  We trust His perfect timing for another baby, Lord willing.  I hope it's soon though because I miss being pregnant and I already miss nursing!!!!


I guess Silas and I will bond in other ways:

a good song

4 hours of sleep between exhausting 12 hours shifts- and this song was playing in my car.  It took a bit to keep it together, but my heart was holding onto the hope that one day, I will see Him, and everything will be alright.


[lifehouse]


how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

I know you didn't
bring me out here to drown 
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light

My Handsome Posing Son

Nothing like my handsome, amazing, hilarious little boy to add sunshine to my home and life.  Here he is.  It was an impromptu photo shoot because the light was coming in just so, and he was focused enough on my phone to sit still for photos.  Sigh.  So cute.

Prayers

Just a call out for those who DO read my blog to keep me in your prayers.  For those of you more familiar with my struggles, sleep has been an issue for the past year.  I'm still currently taking sleeping pills which I have been trying to get off of for months and months without success.  Problem is, I can get to sleep, but only ever sleep 4-5 hours a night.  Not really enough.  Now, with the addition of shift work, I am not only terrified of the consequences- I'm already realizing them.  On night shifts we have 2-3 hours to sleep.  I used to sleep no problem.  Now I can't.  I just lie there, completely exhausted.  I was up for over 24 hours for my shift last night and didn't get a bit of sleep.  After work I came home and was able to sleep my typical 4.5 hours but it just never feels like enough.  I've seen a naturopath which so far hasn't seemed to help and every trip to my doctor ends up with the same message "sleeping pills are fine,"  "here's another prescription."  Everything I read says that sleeping pills should be used for 2 weeks max.  I've been on them for over 8/9 months and still I only sleep for 4-5 hours a night and cannot, for the life of me, get off of them.


I don't want to just complain.  But I'm looking for a bit of hope- and well, your prayers.  
Pray for me to get off these pills and get a natural rest.
Pray for me to be able to have the courage to go days of having rebound insomnia from withdrawal from the pills if necessary.
Pray my sleep would come back so I won't just go running back to pills.
Pray for perseverance and endurance.


Some days I'm barely coping, barely keeping hope that it will ever be different.  Maybe this is my new normal but I refuse to believe it is.  How can it be?  There's no way I can go on with my sleep like this but I don't know where else to turn.


Wow.  Depressing.  I'm sure you're all sick of hearing all about this.  But I guess this is what real life problems are: often ongoing, often without clear answers, and if you want to walk with me through this, that'd be great.