Thursday, June 28, 2012


I didn't intend to write a post today but re-reading old journals of mine made me want to write.  Some of the prayers I uttered not long ago are still upon my lips.  

"Change me, renew me, revive me, refine me, use me, make me more like Jesus..."  I have started to realize that this journey of motherhood is not a detour off the road  to where I'm going, it is not an accidental path.  It is the very road on which God placed me to answer all my prayers.  

He intended me to be a Mother so that I could learn the very lessons I have been longing to learn.  The question is, now that my prayer is being answered, am I still willing to surrender? Am I willing to do the work?  Be worked upon?  I am finding myself increasingly helpless and dependent.  

Hands up, head down, knees bent I am a toddler in need of discipline and care as I learn to raise my children.  The demands of motherhood are like a river.  I am a stone.  

The river's current flows unrelenting, over and around me, smashing all my rough edges.  I am worn down by it, smoothed over, worked on and banged up by the constant flow.  It never ends.  Its weight and worth are heavy.  I cannot bend, I must break down.  I must submit to it because I am already wholly submersed.  

The old me is being rubbed away so that I can be smooth in His hands.  I want this but I don't.  I want to be more gracious, more compassionate and loving, more patient, more self controlled but the change is painful and slow.  

All the things I want for my heart come by submitting.  I need to stop seeing the process as the enemy.  It's an answer to prayer.  The pain, the inconveniences, the anxieties, the difficulties... scraped knees, bleeding lips, puke on clean laundry, irregular schedules, tantrums, and all that each day brings is God's provision for the very change I long for.  "Being confident of this that He who began a good work in you will carry it out to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Philippians 1:6 (my life verse).  Oh that I would embrace the opportunities for growth and change. 

Toby is awake an hour before he 'should' be.  End of blog post.  The river rages another day.  

Monday, June 25, 2012


I need patience, when it seems like every little hiccup in our journey out the door derails my emotions
I need your perspective, when forgetting my grocery list halfway to the store becomes an unecessary crisis 
I need your graciousness, when the hum of a toddler whining in the back of the car affects my mood enough to make me rude to strangers
I need your strength, when I'm trying to balance a baby on my hip (prevent him from licking the bathroom stall) while trying to help a toddler onto the potty
I need your sense of humour when the former is a g.o.n.g. show.
I need a reminder of your grace, when I am angry at spilled blueberries on the grocery store floor
I need your forgiveness, when I make my child feel shame for what was just an accident
I need humility, when I realize that the accident was really my fault
I need endurance, when lunch needs to be made, groceries unloaded, babies put to bed...(all before I can have a chance to pee and eat my own lunch)
I need a reminder of your provisions for us, that we have access to food and money to buy it
I need You.  For only in You can I find abundant life in the grocery store, on a Monday morning.

Sunday, June 24, 2012


Where to begin a post like this?  How to put words to thoughts churning, emotions swirling, the noise of my internal self conversation?  

The naked question I wrestle with, what consumes my heart and leaves my body restless is: "how do I seize joy?"  Not happiness, not ethereal emotion but a deep down, unquenchable, soul affirming, outreach propelling kind of joy. 

I want that kind of joy desperately.  I want fullness of life, abundance, contentment, satiation. I want joy that fills my empty spaces to the point of overflowing.  Peace in the storms of life and in the mundane deserts. 

The days are so repetitive.  
Another morning, another diaper, another walk, I've seen the same 5 km radius around my home a thousand times.  Where, oh WHERE do I find joy here in this place and season of my life?

I was reviewing some old journals and was astonished to see that years ago in a different place, in a different time, before children, I had the same longing for joy.  Three years ago:"But without Your presence in my life, without Your joy and satisfaction, I remain void, empty, and worthless.  Bring me to life God for who else can be to me true joy?  I cannot pretend it, I cannot muster it up (anymore than I can bring day from night, revive myself or breathe life into my own womb)."

Oh. Right.  This nagging question has followed me most of my life.  Joy, where art thou?

I'm saddened that I haven't 'got this' yet but encouraged that God wants me to learn this so much that He keeps patiently teaching me.  God has brought me through some low valleys over the past few years.  In valleys it's natural to seek joy; hard.  But then, when things are 'okay' and 'ho hum' I still find myself here, again.  The question of my life keeps resounding, "Will I, or will I not find my ultimate joy in Christ alone. Here. Now.  Another day.  This day.  Everyday."

So how do I have joy?  Well, I've been presented with a few answers:

1. Wait.  "It's a journey."  I need to wait on God.  I can't breathe life into my own lifelessness, I can't bring warmth to a cold heart.  Okay.  Maybe joy is all God's doing.  I've learned a bit about waiting as He knit together a life in me and as He teaches me through gardening.  Got it.  I'm waiting. 
2. Thankfulness. I read "A thousand gifts" and have been moved over and over again by some of the things she writes.  Her ultimate answer is that thankfulness is the road to joy.  Okay, I'll work on that.
3. Prayer.  We are studying prayer in small group, and I've been learning about discipline as I stitch together a quilt- stitch by stitch, faithfully, quietly (more on this later).  Some things just take practice, faithfulness, commitment, discipline, and work.  Yup.  The fact that I don't have joy must mean I should try harder.  Pray more, be more thankful.  
4. Sabbath. We started actually practicing Sabbath.  Rest, in Christ, and He can and will bring joy.  Okay, so it's up to Christ. I'll rest.

Ack.  Me, Him, faith, works, joy (???)  As helpful as thankfulness, discipline, prayer, and Sabbath are to my pathway to joy I don't want to understand the cake or its ingredients, I just want to eat it.  Let me eat the freakin' cake already.  Give me the fork, just give it to me and I will eat and enjoy. 

So that's it.  A mess of thoughts and words to try and describe the jumbled knot of questions inside of me.  I want to have joy now.  Here. In my everyday life.  In this season of small children and crumb encrusted floors.  In the restless days and laundry. 

Help God.  Help.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Still Fits

Funny, some things don't change.  Apparently the Tupperware cupboard is 
still just as fun (and messy) as a year ago!  
15 months old
29 months old

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Love to my Dad

You are a Grand-Papa.  5 babies to hold, 5 birthdays to remember, 5 lives to pour into.  But before you were a fun-toy-gift-bearing, babysitting, grand-baby snuggling, sweets spoiling, loving and involved grand-papa, you were my daddy.  I take you for granted too often. In thinking about all the challenges that come with parenting my childrenI know, more than ever, how blessed I've been to have a father like you.  You are patient, honest, firm, wise, involved, loving, gracious, adventurous, and faithful.  From my earliest years when I was most dependent until now, when little lives depend upon me, you have sacrificed, encouraged, and tirelessly given me careful love, affection and attention.  27 years of faithful fathering.  I am so thankful.  May the legacy of faith, devotion and love for Christ that you have demonstrated to this family- carry on for generations.
Love you Dad. xoxo


Friday, June 15, 2012

Held: A Father's Day Tribute

Some kids don't have dads.  Others don't know them.  Still others have them and know them but aren't shown love or affection.  I praise God that I have a husband who is a father to his children.  He is available, interested, invested, helping, caring, engaged, and is not afraid to love on his children.  He cuddles, carries, kisses, snuggles and holds his boys.  
My boys have been held by their father.  
A lot.  
They are so beyond blessed to have a father like this.  I am so beyond blessed to have a husband like this.  Thank you Jason for being the kind of Dad that I know 
God is proud of.
 A little tribute:  (Happy Father's Day!)

love you hun!
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...