I also feel torn. I love being at home with Silas- it's more and more fun all the time. But now I'm getting back in gear to return to work. I also love my job: feeling productive and useful, able to use my head and heart. I want to go back to nursing and look forward to being in the career I love, but am frustrated that I haven't developed anymore in my profession. I realize my career is 'on hold' for having children but it's like I have one foot in both world. However, I am ambitious and want to be the best at both. The best mom I can be, the best nurse I can be. But how can I be both? They conflict. Even being gone 5 hours from Silas today, seeing him shriek and get all excited to see me again made me feel sad that I won't be able to have full energy to devote to him. But then being at work made me mad that I haven't taken any more classes or specialized etc.
Hmph. What shall I do? I wish I could just stay home for years and not return to work and endure the pressure of feeling like I'm not living up to my professional ideals. But it's not feesible or practical for me. Plus, I do think I would enjoy going back to work. Sigh.
I guess I have to think of this as a season. Think of myself primarily as as a mom for this season, and think of my job as a means to an end. And then later, one day, my career can take more focus.
That's besides the point of this post- Silas is almost 11 months! Here are his latest achievements:
-still scooting along the floor on his bum instead of crawling (but he is very fast at it!)
-has sat up from being on his tummy a few times!
-loves rolling from back to tummy and does this in his crib a dozen times before falling asleep. I peer in to check on him and I see his little eyes looking out the crib and he giggles.
-he can hold onto something while standing, but still, while walking, marches like a german soldier instead of taking proper steps
-I've weaned him to three feeds a day!
-He's taking his sippy cup better
-eating quite well with solids, although most still end up on the floor. He loves cheerios, crackers, toast strips and anything else in the carb family. Also loves fruit. In fact, he threw a fit the other day when we ran out of his baby food fruit!
-still soooo tiny. 17 lbs only and almost 11 months! Crazy. But he eats 4 solid food meals a day, takes water and juice, has snacks and breastfeeds. There's no time left to feed him more than I feed him now!
-he sleeps generally 8 pm until 8 am and wakes up a few times here or there. He used to wake up at 5:30 for a morning bfeed, but we're trying to wean him off of it (or just push the feed back) which he's been doing well. The other day he went from 8 pm until 8 am without bfeeding!!!
-he loves loves loves hide and seek or 'find mommy' or 'find daddy' games. Screeches and screams whenever he sees us again
-loves hiding under blankets, any sort of soft stuffy to grab hold of and drag around
-we've resurrected the 2 naps a day (yahoo!)
-has two cute teeth- which become lethal when he decides to bite you (which is becoming more often).
-Silas LOVES opening and closing anything. He often locks us out of a room he's in by shutting the door and shuffling right up against it so we can't open it! Loves opening cupboards and shutting them, same with the fridge (until, as is inevitable, he pinches his fingers in there...he'll learn one day!)
-he loves playing ball- rolling it back and forth with daddy, and destroying any towers Jason tries to build
-a new thing we're learning about Silas is that he's not a big group fan. He gets a bit overwhelmed when people are all up in his grill, and starts to panic a little. He needs to see one of us in a group setting or at least have some focused attention every few minutes
-he definitely plays strange a bit more...
-he doesn't like waking up from naps. This is often when he needs mommy the most and is a bit cuddly. Any strange face and he's not a happy camper
Wow. It's cool in reflecting to realize that I know more about my son than I thought!
Here are some cute photos of him...looking forward to making some first Christmas memories with him!
showing off his two front teeth
'helping' mommy sort laundry
out tree hunting with us for Christmas
loves splashing at the pool! p.s. we didn't think he needed a life jacket in that shallow of water, just were trying it on to check the fit and take photos with it!
all 'caught up' in his favourite string
making a break for it