Did I really just say that?

Yesterday:
"Yeah, I continue to ask God that if I haven't learned everything I need to learn from this season of suffering with insomnia, then I want Him to continue it..."  [me]


Last night:
12 am....2 am....4 am.....6 am...
sleepless.  One of the worst nights in a few months.  This after a victory of finally 'stopping' taking my sleeping pills and thinking that the worst of this insomnia is over and I'm recovering. [ugh]


Today:
Discouragement.  Despair.  Desperation.  A weeping puddle of mush.  
[I guess I'm not done Lord.  I guess there's still work to be done.  I guess this season hasn't brought forth all the fruit you want.  Here I am again.  Undone.] 


My thoughts rested on the Israelites today.  Freed from slavery by the very hand of God!  Running free from Egypt with plunder and nothing but hope and excitement for what the future held!  And then, to hit the Red Sea and see the Egyptians coming after them.   I can just see their faces (reflected in my own mirror) "I thought this would be easy now!  I thought we were through with captivity.  Why would you rescue us only to have us be destroyed by the Egyptians after all??"  Duh.  God is able.  To deliver.  From captivity and pharoahs, and troops and chariots, and charioteers, and rivers...


I love what Moses said.  I felt like they were words to me:
"Don't be afraid.  Just stand still and watch the LORD rescue you today.  The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again.  The LORD himself will fight FOR you- just stay calm." Exodus 14:13


Breathe.  Stay calm.  Trust.  Believe.  I feel like parenting myself "HOLD STILL child.  Relax. Stay calm."   How quickly I am prone to emotion, to fear, to doubt, despair, discouragement.  My hope cannot rest in my circumstances changing.  They have to rest in my God who is unchanging and His ability to give me the strength for today and each day.


grrr.  I'm eating my yesterday words.