Friday, March 26, 2010

Do they sleep?

I've determined that I'm going to learn something from this trial of sleeplessness. I don't want all this struggle to be wasted on me. It's brought a lot of thoughts to my mind too about who else might be sleepless.

I'm awake again tonight, lost in the world of sleeplessness and I wonder-
Do they sleep?
those who are terrified by war and surrounded by death?
Do they sleep?
those who are abused, victimized, awaiting their oppressor's return?
Do they sleep?
those who are lonely in a prison cell, never to have justice?
Do they sleep?
whose homes are devastated by disaster, whose infants are dying in their arms?
Do they sleep?
whose eyes are tired from crying, whose losses are overwhelming and endless...?

Did he sleep?
he who knew the sins of the world were to be upon his shoulders?
Did he sleep?
he who was alone and facing death, beaten and abandoned by the ones he came to save?
Did he sleep?
knowing that he was the only one who could bring mercy and justice to the earth
Did he sleep?
the night before he was betrayed into the hands of sinners, before the greatest act of God was to be accomplished through the loss of his own life?

I lie awake at night and am comforted
Not by the gravity of others' trials compared to mine, nor by the reality that was Christ's horrible death but because I know...

He does not sleep
He who keeps the world in His hands, who sees every suffering child, alone, cold, and homeless
He does not sleep
He who knows every oppressor, every unborn nameless child, and every hurting soul
He does not sleep
and He is enough to comfort me in every trial, even as I too lie awake at night, wishing for the peace of sleep

He is sleepless with me
and I am not alone

I hope I can work on prayer and intercession for all the other sleepless bodies in the world... the nights must be that much longer and lonelier for those whose worlds are literally shattering around them.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Name change and other ramblings

Decided to change my blog name. Jason challenged me to blog more 'thematically.' I thought about what sort of things I could or should blog about:

Everyday life? Spiritual thoughts? Being a new parent? All of the above? None of the above?

I'm sure I'll blog about stuff in general, but I realized that one of the ways God has often spoken to me, is through metaphors. Physical things that make me think of spiritual things. Everyday, day to day things that impact my emotions and spirit.

Sounds too serious and pensive. (I'm sure it won't be).

I suppose these random images of mine may make no sense to anyone, except me. But maybe not.

So: metaphor of the day?

I thought I had a brilliant one about how Jesus is my garbageman...but it's not quite worthy of publishing. Actually, not sure I have one today. But that's okay. Life doesn't always fit into nice little themes... does it?

What happened today?

Skipped church due to uncooperative baby schedule, drank 3 cups of watery coffee, read my novel, read some OT, and then I just went for a walk with Silas. Ran into lots of little kids with basketballs and tricycles. I love when kids are out playing. They make me want to play again. Ran into neighbors and had a nice conversation. Ha! We conversed about how evil the internet is and how we never talk to neighbors anymore but instead talk to 'strangers' in 'China' instead.

And here I am.


Was this the most random blog or what?

Life without hubby

This week Jason goes away for 4 days for a work conference. WHAT WILL I DO? Oh boy. Makes me think a lot about single parents. How do they do it? It's so nice to have someone else around to hold Silas for a bit so I can get things done, or just give my shoulder a break.

Stay tuned to see how I fare...

Monday, March 15, 2010

Silas at 2months!

So what does a two month old DO?

Silas started smiling a number of weeks ago and smiles when I sing to him, or when Jason or I talk to him. I call his change table his 'happy place' because almost immediately after I place him there he starts smiling and cooing!

He has found his right hand and tries to suck on it (often shoving the whole thing in his mouth!). He has started batting at hanging toys and loves his new play mat I found at a kids used item swap meet. He likes his bath, after he gets used to the water, and loves sleeping in his swing, in the moving car, or on daddy's chest, and enjoys going for walks with mom. He is a soother addict.

He is a LOUD crier and always cries when I try to burp him. And burp he does! Others have commented he burps like a grown man!

He spits up A LOT and we go through a ton of receiving blankets and sleepers. The other day I had to change my pants, my shirt (twice) and my socks (?) from all his spit up!

He is now getting distracted while eating and seems to LOVE looking at blinds (?)

His cheeks are nice and full and his tummy super round. He loves to kick and punch often his mom being the recipient. (Jason was shocked the other day to see how much he pummels me when he eats!) When is on his back he kicks a ton, and practically moves himself around because of his kicks.

He doesn't like tummy time all that much, but is able to lift his head quite well. He enjoys playing by himself on the play mat and will sit there cooing and making noises until he is tired.

We can't stop kissing his little head (which is now growing back a little more light brown hair) and we wonder what his eye colour will be as they still just look dark.

He has started sleeping a bit longer at night (yahoo) but still doesn't really enjoy daytime naps. He rarely sleeps unless we put a blanket over his head as he just seems to want to look around and see everything!

It's amazing to see how much this little boy has taken over our world after only 2 months!!!

Saturday, March 13, 2010


I'm smiling a lot today. Something about a starbucks coffee in hand, a bit of freedom, and some beautiful cherry blossom trees....

Parenting so far has given me a new appreciation for things, of which I am reflecting on today. Such as:

sleep. The sun seems brighter, the air fresher, the day better when I have a good nights' sleep

a hot coffee or hot food. The other day I microwaved the same cup of coffee 3 times!

the sense of great accomplishment I feel when I finally complete an unfinished task. Be it folding a load of laundry, getting a chance to vacuum, or answering an e-mail, it's always a feat!

grocery shopping. Who knew that getting out of the house for just an hour or so would be so exciting!

company. I have always been a social addict, but now more than ever I crave adult interaction. have never appreciated more just getting to go out for coffee with someone or have someone over for an afternoon.

I went for a walk today and reflected on how much I enjoy this time of life right now. My heart feels full. I love having a routine (never thought I'd say that) and getting a chance to go out and try new things. I joined a women's bible study which meets, weekly. I am starting a mom and baby fitness class, weekly. I go to life group, weekly. I'm so thankful for canadian maternity leave where I don't have to work shift work and can enjoy the ebb and flow of weeks, weekends, and all the everyday days, day after day, with my little love-able baby boy (who I can hear cooing in the other room right now!)

p.s. kisses. I am addicted to kissing my little boy's round little warm cheeks.

Monday, March 8, 2010


I knew there was a lot to adjust to in new motherhood- however, the WAYS I have had to adjust I never expected. Dealing with insomnia night after night has been sooo frustrating, and I never expected to have issues with it. Since week three I have struggled with getting to sleep or getting back to sleep after feeding Silas. He's been sleeping well- sometimes even for 4 hours straight! But then I'm lying there in bed, staring at the ceiling. This has been a huge trial and hurdle. I have done everything in the book to help me get to sleep- wine, gravol, other sleeping pills, baths, walks, massages, etc etc etc. I feel so helpless and frustrated, and that I'm somehow not 'cutting it' as a mother. I'm supposed to be the one up all night feeding and taking care of Silas so that Jason can get a good nights' rest and go to work the next day and he's often needing to stay up to put him back to sleep or feed him a bottle of expressed milk just so I can somehow manage to get a minimum amount of sleep. When will this end????? I can't nap (have never been able to...) I just pray and hope that this doesn't go on forever and that Silas somehow manages to start sleeping longer in the night cause I'm not sure how long I can manage like this.

Who knew that sleep could be so difficult to achieve? I have never struggled with it before in my life- used to hit the pillow and I'd be out. Now I often sleep lightly- dreaming like crazy, restless. Or I lie there waiting for him to feed again so I have an excuse to be awake. I never knew the lack of sleep could have such ramifications on my life. The nights I sleep, I have the most amazing days afterwards. The sun is shining, I'm smiling and productive, loving my son and my life. The nights I don't sleep I'm emotional the next day, unproductive and lazy, impatient with my son, and generally discouraged and weepy.

Ugh. I never knew this was going to be a factor in new parenthood. I knew that I would get less sleep- but 2 hours a night sometimes? Lord help me.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Injection Free!

I was reviewing old journal entries today from early in pregnancy and I find it so amazing. I was so anxious and worried, afraid of how my diagnosis would affect my pregnancy. I fought it for awhile, argued with doctors, and just didn't want to have to endure 9 months + 6 weeks of daily needle injections. The medication for the injections is expensive, it's obviously painful, and how would I ever know if I could have a healthy pregnancy without them? Should I gamble and not take the injections since I didn't believe I even had this condition to begin with? Or should I take these doctors' opinions as a protection from God- to protect the baby and me from a disastrous outcome?

And here I am. Now all of that is hindsight. It's in the past. It's finished.

Praise God the giver and sustainer of life! He created Silas in my womb, He knit him together perfectly, He protected us from health complications and His grace WAS sufficient for me, His power WAS made perfect in my weakness. I made it! I did the injections, I daily had to sit down again, take a deep breath again, say a quick prayer again, and endure a painful self-inflicted jab.

But the cost was not too high.

I see Silas and I think "of course it was worth it." I think "why did I worry? Why was I afraid?" "of course God would protect us, of course He would be enough."

I need this to be a lesson for life. To let go and trust God that He ALWAYS has my good in mind because of Christ. I need to remember every time I look at Silas that it was surely God who gave him to me, sustained his life in me- despite health conditions, and brought forth good from bad.

I praise You Father because of your goodness to me.
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