My flesh is failing. Fragile. A jar of clay. It is decaying and will one day be swept away as dust. Life is short. Health and wholeness are lofty dreams. My body is a near constant reminder to me that I cannot do this life alone.
I could list all the physical ailments and troubles I have suffered over these last 5 or more years. It is long.
In fact, I have a new one to add which has caused me a bucket of grief in the last 24 hours. I could look for pity and sympathy; Lord knows I've done enough of that. I've been learning head knowledge about finding joy and peace, contentment in the Lord.
But it's just starting to really hit me how bitter and angry I've become.
My knee jerk response when anything difficult, out of my control, or aside from my plans assails me is to be mad, complain, and whine. (Sounds like a certain 2 year old I know). What good has this response achieved for me?
Every day I find justifiable reasons to be upset at the world and my life: "My body, my kids, my this, my that." There are always reasons to be discontent.
No one is discontent for no reason.
My health is the top of my list. "Why is there always something? Why am I never healthy? Why me? Why now? When will I find physical relief from sufferings?"
However, I realized today that I cannot wait until my health is whole to have joy. I can't. Because if I wait, I may never have joy. I may never have contentment. My body will only continue to fail. I may never truly get to see God's strength and sufficiency in my weakness if I live this way.
I could list all the physical ailments and troubles I have suffered over these last 5 or more years. It is long.
In fact, I have a new one to add which has caused me a bucket of grief in the last 24 hours. I could look for pity and sympathy; Lord knows I've done enough of that. I've been learning head knowledge about finding joy and peace, contentment in the Lord.
But it's just starting to really hit me how bitter and angry I've become.
My knee jerk response when anything difficult, out of my control, or aside from my plans assails me is to be mad, complain, and whine. (Sounds like a certain 2 year old I know). What good has this response achieved for me?
Every day I find justifiable reasons to be upset at the world and my life: "My body, my kids, my this, my that." There are always reasons to be discontent.
No one is discontent for no reason.
My health is the top of my list. "Why is there always something? Why am I never healthy? Why me? Why now? When will I find physical relief from sufferings?"
However, I realized today that I cannot wait until my health is whole to have joy. I can't. Because if I wait, I may never have joy. I may never have contentment. My body will only continue to fail. I may never truly get to see God's strength and sufficiency in my weakness if I live this way.
Sigh. But whyyyyyyy? Why do we have to learn through suffering and hardship? Interestingly, I'm learning that 'thorns in our flesh' (or in my case, the thorn OF my flesh), has taught me so much. Who would I be without these sufferings? Arrogant, haughty, not empathetic, compassion-less, insensitive and the list continues.
Perseverance through my personal sufferings may be the best teaching tool. Maybe God allows these thorns because He knows the me I would become without them. Maybe He allows my flesh to weaken me, daily, so that I will actually and finally learn how to be content in all circumstances: because I will see God's power made perfect in my weaknesses. Maybe it's through these trials that I will actually slow down, stop, and finally see who He really is to me: my Comfort, my Strength, my Refuge, my Peace...
Perseverance through my personal sufferings may be the best teaching tool. Maybe God allows these thorns because He knows the me I would become without them. Maybe He allows my flesh to weaken me, daily, so that I will actually and finally learn how to be content in all circumstances: because I will see God's power made perfect in my weaknesses. Maybe it's through these trials that I will actually slow down, stop, and finally see who He really is to me: my Comfort, my Strength, my Refuge, my Peace...
I was out walking with Silas and heard myself say to him: "yeah, it's raining again. But that's okay- because the plants need both sun AND rain to grow." Did I just say that? It hit me like a ton of bricks. "Shannon, rain is good for you! It's necessary! It's part of growth. You could not grow without rain. You cannot grow without trials."
So here I am. A bag of ailments. Will I not find joy already? Will I not be content? Every circumstance, all things will be used for GOOD in my life and character if I'd just lean on and look to God.
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