Trying to Do It All

I feel bone weary sometimes.  Well, actually, I feel this a lot.  I don't think it's the myriad of things I am doing: although there are a lot of things on my schedule.  I don't think it's the busy days, the full days, of socializing, leading, planning, hosting, parenting, home-making and living.  I just feel weary internally of all my striving.  Why do I try so hard to do it all?  See, thing is, I always feel like I'm failing.  Like it's never enough.  Like I am further and further from my lofty goals.  When I sit back and ask myself what I want to be, the list is shocking:

1. a good mom

2. a devoted wife

3. a good leader

4. a growing Christian

5. fashionable

6. have a dynamic career and be moving up 'the ladder'

7. be fit

8. a faithful friend

9. a better evangelist

10. have a clean and beautiful home

11. cook healthy, whole nutritional meals 

12. a creative crafter

[there are more]

Seriously?  Do I really believe that I can do all of this?  NOW?  In this season?  Who am I kidding?  Oh, by the way self- you have a 3 month old and a demanding toddler and you don't sleep super well at night.  Oh, by the way self- every time you get in this frantic state of trying to do everything, God sidelines you to teach you that you can't.  I've sat on the 'bench' with a knee injury and blood clots, and with debilitating insomnia.  Yet I still haven't learned this lesson that it is not required or expected that I be the best at all things.

But here I go again.  I see other things women are doing and I feel somehow that their success means I failed. Does that even make sense?  Instead of using my gift of encouragement to praise their success, I bash my self internally against the wall saying "try harder!  be better!  do more!"  

It's no secret that I'm a perfectionist.  But why?  How do you figure out yourself?  Do I think everyone is watching me all the time?  Does the internet/facebook sense of a false audience make me think that all these little things matter?  And even if everyone could see all that I'm doing, isn't it only God's opinion that matters?

I'm feeling very stretched lately in my character.  I'm learning about how to be more thankful.  I'm learning about my automatic negative thoughts and how I filter everything through this lens of insecurity.  How I catastrophize and how things are often black and white for me: things are a disaster or are incredible.  I'm also learning that I'm not a superwoman and I need to prioritize the important things and be okay with {this is the hard part} the fact that there will be whole areas of my life that are left untouched, undeveloped, unexplored, for awhile.  Or maybe forever.

This is just hard.  You'd think that at 27 I'd know myself better: would know specifically what God is calling me to be and do.  But no.  I chase after everyone else's dreams.  I find out someone I know who's an incredible runner, running races and staying fit?  Oh, I should do that too!  Someone who's an incredible crafter with all kinds of ideas and creative projects?  Oh, I should do that too!  Someone who  ________ fill in the blank, I'll want to do that too.  But then I'm doing a bunch of things that I don't even really know if I like but I feel like I need to, to compete (?!), to find worth, to somehow make it.

Ugh.  This is an ugly side of me.  No one wants a 'perfect' friend.  Do I expect this of others?  No.  Then why do I try. So. Hard. To be perfect?  I'm weary.  And I want to learn this lesson of contentment, of resting in Christ, without God having to smack me upside the head and make me have to sit down and rest.  

So today's goal is to let my messy home go, to spend my mid-afternoon 'sabbath' time with God [resting], to focus on my kids and their needs and to be thankful for the little moments like Silas saying to me "God made the flowers" without prompting.  It's okay I haven't showered and probably won't.  It's okay that I'm wearing old capris with a worn shirt.  It's okay that I probably won't get any exercise.  It's okay that I won't climb everest and travel the world and learn a language today.  It's. Okay.  [Hear that self?]