"I spilled the blueberries." This phrase has come to haunt me over the past week.
The scene:
I had attempted to grocery shop with two little boys. It was mostly going well although it was requiring an enormous amount of energy to keep them entertained, behaved, and prevent them from de-shelving everything (while simultaneously navigating a grocery store that I hate).
However, mid-shop I needed to take Silas to the potty. Can someone please tell me how one is supposed to hold a wiggly, acrobatic 7 month old who can reach further than seems humanly possible and is keen on sucking on every surface WHILE stripping a toddler of their clothes, lifting them onto the potty and then doing that whole thing again in reverse?
How?
My options were 1. leave Toby in the grocery cart outside of the bathroom (Obviously this would be neglectful and dangerous so that wasn't going to work) 2. take the cart into the bathroom (they wouldn't let me nor would it fit) 3. put Toby on the floor in the bathroom stall (gross, gross, gross) or 4. grunt, groan, complain and exclaim as I tried to both hold Toby and help Silas.
However, mid-shop I needed to take Silas to the potty. Can someone please tell me how one is supposed to hold a wiggly, acrobatic 7 month old who can reach further than seems humanly possible and is keen on sucking on every surface WHILE stripping a toddler of their clothes, lifting them onto the potty and then doing that whole thing again in reverse?
How?
My options were 1. leave Toby in the grocery cart outside of the bathroom (Obviously this would be neglectful and dangerous so that wasn't going to work) 2. take the cart into the bathroom (they wouldn't let me nor would it fit) 3. put Toby on the floor in the bathroom stall (gross, gross, gross) or 4. grunt, groan, complain and exclaim as I tried to both hold Toby and help Silas.
Anyways.
The shop continued with Silas getting restless and aggressive with Toby so he ended up walking at his toddler -5km/hr pace making me ever so frustrated. By the time I had paid and finally loaded the groceries in bags (I would almost pay to have someone do this for me) I was very ready to be done shopping.
My exhaustion was rising, I had to pee, and both boys needed to get home to be fed and sleep so the scene was worsening by the second. Just at the exit I realized I couldn't find my keys. We were in-between doorways and I was in the home stretch and I was rooting through my purse to no avail.
No keys to be seen. Frustration rising. Well, I gave Silas the box of blueberries to hold, instructing him to hold onto them very carefully. I gave him the berries partially to placate him and partially to motivate him to behave. I told him he could have some once we got to the car. I'm on the floor at this point, almost to the desperate point of dumping my purse out when:
My exhaustion was rising, I had to pee, and both boys needed to get home to be fed and sleep so the scene was worsening by the second. Just at the exit I realized I couldn't find my keys. We were in-between doorways and I was in the home stretch and I was rooting through my purse to no avail.
No keys to be seen. Frustration rising. Well, I gave Silas the box of blueberries to hold, instructing him to hold onto them very carefully. I gave him the berries partially to placate him and partially to motivate him to behave. I told him he could have some once we got to the car. I'm on the floor at this point, almost to the desperate point of dumping my purse out when:
Crash.
All I see are blueberries around me. Silas is wailing and I just snapped. I didn't yell and scream, but I was very angry. I gave Silas a hard time and made him feel bad about him dropping the blueberries. "Look what you've done. Now you won't get any blueberries. I told you to hold them carefully now look what's happened... etc" But I went too far. Much too far.
Oh, I can justify my actions: "I was exhausted, I was tired, I was pushed to the limit of what I am capable of doing as a person..." But I made him feel ashamed for what was probably an accident.
Over a week later and Silas still brings this up every time I discipline him. He'll be in trouble for something and I'll be trying to discipline him, he'll be upset, and then he'll just cry and say,"I dropped the blueberries."
Uh oh.
Can someone please tell me how to raise a rambunctious, boundary-pushing, strong willed, emotional, smart, and incredibly literate boy? I am pushed and pulled and worn thin and rung out each and every day with this boy. He depletes most of my emotional energy. One minute he is creative, imaginative, playful, fun, energetic, charming and charismatic making me laugh and wonder at this gift of life. The next minute (literally the next minute) he is obstinate, deaf to instruction, rude, aggressive, obnoxious, loud, aggressive, controlling and temperamental.
How am I supposed to be a firm but loving Mother? How am I supposed to be kind and gracious, compassionate and forgiving while also needing to be firm and provide discipline? How am I supposed to weather this toddler season without going literally insane?
I don't want to repeat the blueberry incident but I am stretched so often in my abilities to care for this 2 year old, I'm afraid these scenes happen too often. I am often out of wisdom and creative ideas in how to motivate, instruct and inspire obedience. Oh, by the way I have a baby in the background who may or may not be crying, falling off of furniture and barfing into clean laundry baskets. Oh, by the way, it hasn't stopped raining for a month. Oh, by the way, I get easily angered, I am trying to maintain a perfectly clean home, I am desperate for control, I try to do this in my own strength, I am incredibly hard on myself, I'm very selfish, I am a horrible sinner and I rarely get a solid 6 hours of sleep a night.
Okay God. I need your help. No, I really really really mean it this time.
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