In the darkness

This is the hardest time of my life.  Never have I faced such darkness and despair.  Night after night of insomnia. Days of fatigue and worry, anxiety and depression.  Anger that I have lost these 4 months and the joy I could have had, had these circumstances not surrounded me. Saturday was the lowest pit.  Another tantrum, swept over, bulldozed by emotions: will this never end?  "I can't do this anymore"- I kept crying over and over again.  The weight of frustration and having nothing under my control buckled my knees and broke my heart.

I was undone.

I've tried medications, I've tried ranting and raving.  Screaming, shaking my fist, praying and crying.  I've tried sharing these emotions with everyone and anyone. Doctors, friends, family... Distracting myself, getting busy, 'accepting' these circumstances- I've done those too.

They didn't help.  They are not helping.

But God is.   As the broken pieces of me lie kneeling on the floor, He is meeting me here.  In the dark.  This unexplicable joy has engulfed me today.  I'm crying, and this time, not from the sorrow and fear, or from the despair of having a body that is not healed.  I'm crying because God has not left me, and one day, I will cry my last tear and be at rest in His presence; forever.

Have my circumstances changed?  Not at all.  In fact, I'm getting less sleep.  'Things' are in fact getting worse.  But I am changing.  Praise God, He is changing me.  If I wait until these times end, they may never come.  In fact, if my praise and hope are only 'if' and 'when' these circumstances end, I will have lost this opportunity.  Now is the time to clutch onto hope, faith and joy until my knuckles grow white, and then some.   I can have joy even as I watch the clock tick past and am still not asleep.  I can have joy even when I'm wilted by fatigue and only have the energy to shower and take care of my son.

This is the day.  Today is the day for a new beginning.  I will believe and trust that God is good and He is faithful.  And even if He never takes this sleeplessness from me... that's hard to say...but I say it again to my heart, even if He never takes this sleeplessness from me in this life, I am choosing joy.  One day, this will all be over and I will be with Him and I will be at rest.

I don't want to live another day missing the glory He can receive from my praises, even if they are screamed or whispered.

God is gracious.  He is compassionate.  He is here.  And I choose Him over this despair.