First lesson: It has to be his idea
Example: "Silas, it's time for bed. You can pick a book, would you like this one?"
Silas: "NOOOOOO. Don't WAAANT it." [Angry face]
Me: "Okay"
2 seconds later
Silas: "I want this one" (pointing to book that I suggested).
hmmmm. I guess it has to be his idea? I'm learning that I should suggest something, but not push it or force it, in fact the less I am attached to whatever the idea is, the better. I was feeding him lunch and he wanted nothing to do with the meatballs in front of him. Well, then I put one on his fork, walked in the other room and when I looked back, he was eating it. Often the very thing I suggested is what he wants or will choose in the end, but I have to almost just let him have some time to come around to that idea.
Lesson 2: Timing is everything
Silas needs some warning about what's going to happen. I often need to tell him "5 minutes until we're going to leave" or "1 more and then we are all done" to get him transitioned to whatever is next.
Example:
Me: "Silas, time to get your Jammies on"
Silas: "Nooooooo! I don't want to, noooooooo." Limp noodle pose, floppy on floor. Pulling, dragging upstairs, time outs, cajoling, hair pulling, nerve-wrecking 10 minutes.
Or:
Me: "Okay Silas, in 5 minutes we will go up and get your jammies on"
2 minutes later, he drops his toy
Silas: "All done. Jammie time"
HOWEVER, it is a fine balance. If I give him too much notice he cannot handle the anticipation.
ex: We arrive at the airport. At this point I think it's a good time to inform him that we will in fact be riding on an airplane soon. Apparently this information was too soon. We're not even to the self checkout with our bags yet and the crying ensues
"Airplane now....airplane NOWWWW." Through security, to gate, through waiting, on and off his exclamations continue. Oops. Too much notice. I often won't even tell him where we are going or what we are doing until the bags are packed, we're getting in the car or are 5 minutes away.
Lesson 3: Choice
Example:
Silas emphatically states "I WANT JUICE."
Me: "No Silas, you cannot have juice. You can have water."
Silas: "ahhhhhhhh!" [insert: tears, loud cries, fist throwing]
Me: "Silas which colour cup would you like?" (I hold up the rainbow of ikea plastic cups we have for him)
Silas: "orange one"
I put water in, and hand it to him. He, perfectly calm, drinks the water as though the last 2 minutes of crying over juice never happened.
If he is fighting me on something that is a requirement (like putting a jacket on etc), then I try to distract him with another area that he does have choice in (these shoes or these shoes?)
Lesson #4: Stay Calm.
I have found the less emotional I get over disciplining Silas, the better. Rather than me going: "Why can't you behave, why do you do this every time, I'm so frustrated right now, you are getting a time out," [insert: my tears, frustration, explaining, nagging, anger and impatience], I need to just simply say "you do not hit, you have a time out" and do not get emotional. If I get emotional it elevates the situation and Silas himself gets more elevated. This area is SO hard for me. Especially when he's whining and crying and pushing all my buttons.
Lesson #5: Consistency
If I have told Silas no, I NEED to follow through with it. It is very tempting when he's having a fit and tantruming over something simple [like me telling him he cannot play with my phone], to just cave and give it to him. BUT, if I said no (even if I shouldn't have and I'm regretting it) I need to stick with it. OR, his whining gets worse and he learns he just has to push harder to get his way.
Lesson #6: Avoid Minefields
Certain things, I KNOW will cause a battle. I have to be especially diligent around these areas. I need to have snacks, distraction tactics, stored patience and creative ideas for those things that I know are going to be difficult. Example: we cannot go anywhere NEAR a computer when he's awake. If we do, we better expect that he'll want to see what we are doing, be watching a video or be whining for something on the computer. I don't know when this started but he just expects we will show him something if we have the laptop out. SO, if I want to avoid it, I need to do all my computer stuff when he's not around. It's just easier for all of us if we don't.
Lesson #7: Don't promise anything you cannot deliver
Example:
I've got Silas to get into the car by telling him we're going to "captain kids" play area (which he loves).
Me: "There will be the slide, and kids to play with, it's going to be so fun..." etc
we arrive only to find that 1. there are no kids (it's early), and 2. the slide is gone. I mean GONE. They took it away for 'maintenance?' [Ahhh!]
After we arrived, Silas (who has an amazing memory for things I say) has his arms in the air and starts bawling "no slide! no kids! where slide go???"
oh man. Bad mommy. I try to say 'maybe' more these days.
Lesson #8: Motivation
There usually has to be something that I am using to motivate Silas to do what I want him to do. I cannot just tell him to do something, I have to entice him, woo him, creatively inspire him. Rather than "Time for bed" I have to say "let's go see who's in your bed? Is teddy there? Puppy?" Rather than: "finish your food" I have to say "2 more bites and then you can get down and play with _____" We constantly have to find a way to get him interested in something that we want him to do with games and lots of excitement in our voices.
So many other idiosyncrasies for this kid of ours that we're learning. Any thoughts on the above toddler behavior? I am finding that this stage requires me to be really diligent, energetic, consistent, firm, calm, creative, and well- I need God's help a lot!
You are doing fantastic Shannon to even have figured this much out already. In our weakness God gives us grace... I must say that lessons 1-3 apply to me, even if I'm not a toddler anymore. ;)
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