Ever get those moments when you just cannot believe that you, yes you, are now an adult? Maybe that sounds dumb, coming from an almost 30 year old. But somehow I feel like asking, "when did this happen?" Two little 'uns to be responsible for? Bills to pay? The fridge to fill, the meals to make, the shampoo to buy, the birthdays to plan for...this is my house? These are my kids?
I was driving along tonight, by myself (which is somewhat miraculous) and I had this moment of feeling like a teenager again. Music loud, speed accelerating, late at night, like I didn't have a curfew (cause you know, the kids get up at 6 so I really should go to bed early)... a song from my high school years came on and I got sentimental. Sentimental? About high-school?
What?
All of a sudden having all possibility before me and no real responsibilities underneath me sounds pretty, okay REALLY, good. Not that I feel trapped or don't like my life, but it just occurred to me that I cannot believe that this is what life looks like on this side of the fence. Wasn't I just on the other side? Was that not just a moment ago? A breath? A blink? Oh wait, it's been 10 years. And everything, I mean EVERYTHING is different. I'm not just heading off to college, meeting the man of my dreams, beginning a career and having international adventures (and sleeping in on weekends), I'm in fact married, with a house, with children, with a career... But I think the same! I act the same! I've hardly changed, or so I think. I even own the same sweatpants with 'field hockey' written on the butt. If I'm really 10 years older, why don't I feel 10 years older? Should I have accomplished more? What do I mean by more?
I hear my internal thoughts and sometimes cannot believe I'm the one thinking them, "she's wearing that to school? That 'kid' is old enough to do_____? I mean, really?" "She was born after the year 2000?"
I got a phone call the other day too and it sounded like this:
"Hi, ummm, are you Silas' Mom?"
[pause]
"huh?"
"Are you Silas' Mom? I'm calling from the community centre.... blah blah blah"
[pause, this is so weird]
I am no longer 'Shannon' I am Mrs. Brink and Silas' Mom.
Weird.
Anyone else have weird moments of not believing it's really you that's an adult? Isn't it weird that you choose to go to bed early? That you need to have coffee in the morning? That you enjoy just sitting and talking to other adults? That sleeping in is no longer an option? Is anyone else experiencing this? Why did I think I would be a young adult forever? Shouldn't I have appreciated sleeping more? Or staying up late? Or going wherever I wanted to go, whenever I wanted to go there- more?
Note to younger self: enjoy more, play more, relax more, be here NOW and don't try and be somewhere else and someone older. There is more than enough time for that.
(It's clearly 2 weeks until my birthday because I'm already needing to psych myself up to being another year older).
I feel weird about being an adult at least twice a month. I can only imagine how strange it is to be identified as "Silas' Mom!"
ReplyDeleteAgeing is a strange phenomena. I am trying to let go of what I think it should be like and embrace what it ACTUALLY is. (which is different for pretty much every person!)
Interestingly, the closer I get to thirty the younger I feel! Maybe it is where I work - since I am probably on average 25 years younger than everyone else and I am almost 30, it puts things in perspective :) (PS - if I am "almost thirty" you are "mid to late twenties" ;)
ReplyDeleteI still reminisce about my younger years, and tell stories to people about my "career" in my 20's , and my adventures, and often I think I'd like to go back there and relive them. But I have to look forward and live out adventures in the here and now in whatever capacity i can, and seize the day whatever it looks like. And in this new season, with kids getting older, there is a different freedom than in my 20's, with a different body, but a mind that still thinks I can do everything. And soon the responsibilities become the new normal, and things that seemed important 15 years ago seem to lose their appeal, and my priorities become more focused. Great post, Shannon. I remember those feelings, and still occasionally feel the urge to enjoy a sense of abandonment and perhaps foolishness of a young adult. Judy
ReplyDelete