Round and Round

Thoughts are whirring, days are passing, time is ticking.  Lots on my mind these days.  I had a very honest and wonderful discussion with my hairdresser the other day and kind of got a kick in the pants about a few things.  After that discussion with her as well as an honest confessional time at my women's minstry team meeting I've come to a couple conclusions:

I'm going to stop trying to be perfect.  I know, I know, it appears that I have it all together.  Truth is, I'm very good at pretending.  I try to be the best at everything I do but basically that means I'm a perfectionist and I don't know how to rest.  It dawned on me: NO ONE likes to be around someone who is perfect.  It makes you want to pretend too.  It makes you have to compete with them.  It makes you inauthentic, unapproachable, and well, a bit of a snob.  That's how I've been.  I don't like being around women like that, so WHY, oh WHY am I trying to achieve perfection or at least the appearance of it?  

Does it matter if my hand towels match?  Will the sun fall out of the sky if my floors are rarely clean?  Does every meal have to rival Martha Stewart?  Will I somehow lose 'points' in this grand competition if my garden isn't as beautiful as I'd like it or heaven forbid, my child isn't always well behaved?

Nope.  I need to get over this dream of being and doing 'it all' and start being comfortable with my imperfections.  Maybe being the frazzled, harried, work in progress that I am will make others feel more at ease in their loose ends too.  

In keeping with the subject of my post (authenticity) I'm choosing to bare all and show a few lousy pictures of myself.  I'm a genuine perfectionist even when it comes to photos of myself.  For example, taking pregnancy pictures is quite the fan-fare and I give Jason a hard time all the time for taking such unflattering photos of me.  I have to stage it just right and pose at the perfect angle and we take like 20 shots to get a good one (no joke).  BUT truth is, I am not that photogenic (see exhibit a and b).  I'd encourage you in the spirit of authenticity to post a bad picture of yourself too!  (It's very freeing, or humiliating, but we'll go with freeing):

I am walking across the room, but it indeed looks like I can't walk properly or am squatting mid-step.  Ugh.

talk about bad angle- you can see up my nostrils, see my extra neck fat, and it looks like I'm bald.  NICE!

Second realization?  Ecclesiastes does not say "There is a time for everything" meaning NOW is the time to do EVERYTHING.  In fact, it means that maybe, just maybe, some of the things I love to do, have always wanted to do, and were on my schedule for this fall, should maybe wait until another season.  For example?  Leading and hostessing a small group.  J and I have wanted to do this for awhile and were eager, downright jumping at the bit to lead one.  But then it dawned on us:  Now is really not the time.  We have a baby coming in a few months, we have a very demanding and difficult toddler, we have family visiting, courses to finish, other ministry commitments, work and the list goes on...

When, oh when did we think we could fit that in?  We want to be excellent leaders, connected to our life group members and to take the time and energy to really be a blessing to others.  But it's just too busy right now.

Hard to admit we're not super-heroes but the truth is, we hardly had time to talk to each other over the past few weeks let alone really connect as a married couple.  

Sigh.  My quilt will continue to hang, unfinished, by my sewing machine and our office is still not finished being renovated due to a shelf-installation crisis (more details to come) but I feel less overwhelmed knowing that having projects not yet finished is not so bad after all.