All about me [purpose in life]

Been awhile since I took some time to just contemplate.  I am here, again, at the same place I often find myself. Fears and unbelief turn to insecurities, turn to thoughts and questions such as: "What is my purpose in life?"  "Does God have a purpose for me on this earth?" "Why does it seem that so many actually know their purpose, and are living their purpose and it seems I am just carrying on, missing mine?"

I picked up a book, 'Crazy Love' by Francis Chan.  Another Christian book, what might it possibly offer me?  But a few words that spoke powerfully to my sinful self this morning:

"On the average day we live caught up in ourselves.  On the average day, we don't consider God very much.  On the average day, we forget that our life is truly a vapor." p. 39

"How is it possible that we live as though it is about us?" p.43

"Frankly, you need to get over yourself."  p. 44
"The point of your life is to point to Him."  p.44

Ouch.  Point taken.  Even my inquiring about 'my purpose', if I'm honest, is not really a noble nor humble question.  It's a prideful question- what can I achieve, what can I accomplish FOR God.

I am a mist.  A vapor.  An insignificant ant who believes this world revolves around her.  A small point on a small earth in a large, vast universe.  Not to say that what I do doesn't matter, but I am so insignificant in the whole story of history.  I make much of me, when I was born simply to make much of Him.  

Maybe that's the answer to my questions, or maybe not.  Does the what matter about what I do, or does the how?  Since, if I were confined to a bed, I could still honor and love God and be loved, what does it really matter what I do in this life?

And so I repent.  My purpose, as much as I yearn for it to be 'special' and 'unique' of everyone else on this planet, is essentially the same as everyone's:  to give glory to the only One who deserves to be glorified.

Flying with Silas

Today's to do list:
Packing, laundry, cleaning, packing.  (Did I mention 'stress a little?')
I'm worried about flying with Silas tomorrow.  I'm packing lots of stuff for the plane that may help entertain him for his first flight, but am a bit frustrated that they limit you on flights so much these days.  We can't walk up and down the aisles with him, there's no bassinett on this particular flight, nowhere to change him really...  Oh boy.

A little creative task today that I think might help our flying experience tomorrow (my step mom and I came up with this idea).  I made some little 'sorry' bags to hand out to passengers around us.  That's mainly what is stressing me out about flying with Silas- I dread the annoyed looks of people around us if Silas is crying and we can't console him.  So, I've made little baggies with a little poem attached to hand out if Silas starts to get ridiculously loud and obnoxious.  In the baggies are some candies and ear plugs and the poem says this:

We’re sorry for the screaming

this is our son’s first flight,

we kindly ask for your patience,

and compassion for his plight.

To ease your time we offer you,

these earplugs and these snacks

we’ll do our best to muffle him

and hope you can relax!

[Thanks for your understanding

despite the inconvenience of sitting near a

 crying child, hope you have a good trip!]

Hopefully these baggies will not only stop people's dirty looks and anger, but maybe will serve as a way to break the ice with other passengers and have good conversations?  I will tell you how it goes!

Selfish Intentions

J had a late soccer game last night, so these were my selfish plans:

• Watch girlie movie
• Sip a glass of wine
• Eat fresh strawberries and cheesecake
• Have Silas take a nap during said activities

How the evening actually went:

Silas was put down for a nap 20 min before J left at 7:30, I popped in the movie, just sat down with my dreamy dessert and as soon as J left, Silas woke up

• And then he cried
• Then he cried some more
• Tried everything [including feeding, walking with him outside, playing with him, etc etc but nothing settled him]
• I crammed down the cheesecake, kept the movie on pause, and gave up on the wine

10 pm.  Finally asleep.  Left a wake of mess and undone laundry, toys scattered, dinner dishes and cheesecake plates to clean up, carrying me until 11 pm.  Sigh.

So.   Motherhood.  I guess I'm realizing I'm still not ready to give up 'me' time, but I have to anyways.  Some days I just want a day off.  "Okay Silas, have a great day, I'm going out on the town..."  But rise and shine, and here I go again.  Another day of a screaming baby, (teething?) and the realities of my new calling in life.  I keep telling myself that one day I will miss THESE days and wish for them again- when I can just bundle him up close to me and carry him for a walk and when his screaming is not powered by bigger lungs and accompanied by fits on the floor (as with a toddler) or by doors slamming and heated words shouted (as with a teenager).  Today's decision: I'll smile today, and choose to have joy about the many things I can't control or understand with Silas.  I'll shrug, take a walk, forget the laundry and mile long 'to-do' list, and savor consoling my screaming son.  (Or at least, I'll try).

So much to learn in this journey.  So much change and growth that needs to happen in my life.  How to be content in today, how to be selfless in my attention towards my son, how to give up my wants for his needs...the list goes on.  (And so it will, for a lifetime).  

Blogging

I want to blog better, but what to blog about?  Is anyone really interested in my everyday life?  Take today for example...did laundry.  Then more laundry.  Ate a bite of cheese.  Got stir crazy so went for a walk with Silas. We stopped to visit my midwives at their office just to say hi, made a physio appt for my worsening 'mother's thumbs,' grabbed a frapp, some grocery store flyers, stopped to weed our garden, and pick up some library movies.

I'm dragging my butt today- not sure if it's 'post-camping-fatigue' or 'my-thyroid-has-bottomed-out-fatigue.'

I mean, is ANY of this interesting to ANYONE?

I have a to-do list that I'm less than interested in at this moment which includes:
1. more laundry
2. grocery shopping (we have baby carrots and pumpkin muffins in the fridge and that's it)
3. make lists of packing for both our pending ontario and whistler trips
4. organize our now dirty and chaotic camping gear
5. scrapbook from last year's trip, yes, that's right, LAST YEAR....

sigh.  It's 4 pm and I haven't thought of what to do for dinner with said carrots and pumpkin muffins.  Our fridge is seriously empty.  I am camp-fooded out so want to make something healthy but too wasted to make dinner plans.  hmph.  [scratch scratch...my ankles are mosquito bitten like crazy, oh, and my ear]

Baby is sleeping.  I'm tinkering on the internet.  Is my life boring today or what?

On a lighter note- we gave him bananas for the first time and now I'm wondering if starting solids was the best idea...chunky poop anyone??