Selfish Intentions

J had a late soccer game last night, so these were my selfish plans:

• Watch girlie movie
• Sip a glass of wine
• Eat fresh strawberries and cheesecake
• Have Silas take a nap during said activities

How the evening actually went:

Silas was put down for a nap 20 min before J left at 7:30, I popped in the movie, just sat down with my dreamy dessert and as soon as J left, Silas woke up

• And then he cried
• Then he cried some more
• Tried everything [including feeding, walking with him outside, playing with him, etc etc but nothing settled him]
• I crammed down the cheesecake, kept the movie on pause, and gave up on the wine

10 pm.  Finally asleep.  Left a wake of mess and undone laundry, toys scattered, dinner dishes and cheesecake plates to clean up, carrying me until 11 pm.  Sigh.

So.   Motherhood.  I guess I'm realizing I'm still not ready to give up 'me' time, but I have to anyways.  Some days I just want a day off.  "Okay Silas, have a great day, I'm going out on the town..."  But rise and shine, and here I go again.  Another day of a screaming baby, (teething?) and the realities of my new calling in life.  I keep telling myself that one day I will miss THESE days and wish for them again- when I can just bundle him up close to me and carry him for a walk and when his screaming is not powered by bigger lungs and accompanied by fits on the floor (as with a toddler) or by doors slamming and heated words shouted (as with a teenager).  Today's decision: I'll smile today, and choose to have joy about the many things I can't control or understand with Silas.  I'll shrug, take a walk, forget the laundry and mile long 'to-do' list, and savor consoling my screaming son.  (Or at least, I'll try).

So much to learn in this journey.  So much change and growth that needs to happen in my life.  How to be content in today, how to be selfless in my attention towards my son, how to give up my wants for his needs...the list goes on.  (And so it will, for a lifetime).