I'm a working mom.
My first weeks back at work were frought with the many difficulties that besiege most working moms, I'm sure, but were challenging for me to manage:
- Silas had the flu
- I had the flu and still had to work (feverish, nauseaus and all)
- Snow hit Vancouver and I spent over 7 hours commuting in the car over two days of work navigating the closed down bridges, snow and slush, and unbelievably harrowing traffic
- I cried, more than once
- Almost ran out of gas while stuck on the highway
- My phone died and I couldn't reach home
- Had childcare arrangement miscommuncations
- Toby had the flu
- I felt guilty to be away
- I was overwhelmed
- I questioned my judgement in going back to work at all
- Found myself at the bottom of two very steep learning curves- could I do this again? Re-learn, again? Feel confident in my job, again?
- I said "I can't do this."
- Did I mention I cried?
- I was hit with a wave of emotion on seeing little legs running to greet me at the door
- I acted like a crazy driver- weaving, honking, and racing to get home to see the kids [more than once]
- Feeling the weight of incredible responsibility
- Fatigue
- High levels of stress and anxiety keeping me awake
- My mind constantly whirring with all the needs my attention
I never really understood that you don't just 'get to be away,' but you bring your mothering with you. I carry my kids and all their concerns with me. I carry my work concerns home. These worlds are intertwined with me at the intersection. I never knew how much weight working moms carried- it's a lot. Guilt when you're away, nagging gaps of knowledge and 'things I should do' hanging over your head when you're home.
I think the biggest surprise I've had over these past chaotic weeks has been realizing how much my home life has been in my tight-fist of control. Finger by finger I am needing to let go.
It's hard.
I need to trust and entrust others to care for my children. I need to rely on God's strength as I endeavour in new roles. I need to learn how to rest when I can. I need to be more present with the kids when I'm at home instead of crazily trying to catch up on endless chores. I need to be organized and plan ahead. I need to be present to listen to my husband and spend the time to re-connect instead of just passing each other in the halls. I am needed, but oddly replaceable.
This journey back to work is so different this time. I'm having a harder time leaving the kids and a harder time entering my job and feeling confident.
I hope two months from now I feel different, but right now I just think it's stinkin' hard.
Shannon
ReplyDeleteTis SO true that we working moms need to rely on God's strength! It IS a constant struggle to be 'present' in the moment in each place (home / office), yet keenly aware of the ongoing action in the other place and at times the 'ought to be there' syndrome. Yet, it is important to learn the 'show will go on' and 'God will sustain' so that we can be 'all there, where we are, at that very moment'. As one who has 'done it' for 11 years, it doesn't necessarily get 'easier' but one finds the ways to be 'all there' each day and in each moment. One finds precious ways to 'show up' for the kids/spouse, even when logistics don't allow it; and one finds ways to 'be there' for the office when the priorities are the kids/family. Hang in there my friend.. it is a journey of trusting God to sustain, provide and guide you.
Susan