The Toddler-Child

Living with my three year old right now is like living with a tornado in my living room. There's the noise of wreck-less emotion, the chaos of un-controlled and frantic tantrums, and the uncertainty of when it's going to end. There's the sheer destruction of property and well, the fear for one's very life and sanity.  Then it will be quiet again, life will go on and I am left picking up the pieces of my own anger and bitterness of why this toddler-child will not just grow up already and stop acting like an irrational dictator who marches along commanding the world to obey his every desire and falling apart at the seams when it doesn't (which is, like, most of the time).

I don't pretend to be an un-emotional being, in fact I know that everything about Silas that brings me to anger and frustration is most likely because he is similar to his Mom.  That doesn't, however seem to provide me any sort of lasting insight into why he acts as he does.  He's simply that unpredictable.  One minute he is big-boy Silas, helping his Mom get something for Toby, teaching himself how to read, singing along, buckling himself in the car, imagining a whole world of wonder with incredible vocabulary and the next he is toddler-Silas screaming and crying because he can't figure out how to do a task he's already accomplished 100 times over, he's talking in nonsensical baby talk, and pretending he can't understand basic English.

Silas is also by no means un-lovely, or un-wonderful, but I'm telling you- these little glimmers of the bright, incredibly empathetic and highly intelligent being I thought I was getting to know, are fewer and further between.  Shouldn't development happen at a steady incline?  Somehow we've landed back at 2 year old land?  This isn't new either- this has been months and months and months of never-ending emotional roller coasters.

The things I need which I don't have?  Patience, grace, compassion, a keen insight into his personality, and a good night's sleep for a change.  I would pay a lot of money for these things, credit, debit, un-marked bills? I'd run barefoot to the store that sells them.  

So after another horror film of a day, with anger and frustration, tears and shame shattered all over the floor, I decided something's gotta give.  A- my attitude  B- my strategies  C-my prayer life  or D- the child. Notice, that most of what needs to change, probably amounts to me?  

Don't get this impression that we somehow don't discipline Silas.  We try all kinds of things. They work and they don't work, and we keep consistently correcting, correcting and correcting some more.  But we're seeing little progress.  But my frustration has been mounting to the point that I can't even cope with 5 minutes if this toddler-child's demands without falling into a pit of bitterness and resentment and equal doses of frustration and tantrums.

So here's my 4-fold strategy to try and survive this season, and dear God I pray this is a SEASON.

A- Stop talking negatively about Silas. (This blog post doesn't count, there was some positive about him right?)  See? It's really hard.  The way I see him, the way I think about him, the way I talk about him unfortunately highlights my very negative feelings towards him at this time.  It's gotta stop because it affects how I see him and cope with him.

B- I need to be un-emotional and less affected by Silas.  The goodness of my day should NOT depend on his mood.  Man it's hard though.  I need to just stick him in a room and let him scream until the paint dries, but not get caught up in the tornado of emotions he has. P.s. this is nearly impossible, God help me.

C- Getting up early.  This is a freakin' hard task.  BUT, I am realizing I just need it.  I need to get up early and go for a walk, get a coffee, eat my breakfast in peace, have a chance to shower, read my Bible and just be away from these children to start my day. Otherwise I start the day with demands thrown at me before I've even wiped the sleep off my face and this non-morning person ain't pretty without her coffee.

D- Preschool.  I am hoping, and praying that preschool will provide the stimulus, the excitement and the environment Silas needs.  And this Mama needs that time to enjoy the second born and the peace and quiet he brings- I could not be MORE ready for preschool in a few weeks.

And part b of D (?) : gluten free diet.  I am starting to be very curious into Silas' actual physical well-being.  I don't know if this is truly regular 3 year old behavior.  With two celiac's in the family now, I am experimenting with Silas' diet for a few weeks.  I'll continue cutting back on sugar when possible and I've made and purchased a ton of gluten free snacks for Silas- fruit and trail mixes, vegetables and rice crackers, gluten free homemade earth balls and peanut butter cookies, almond flour muffins, yogurt, cheese strings etc. I'm kind of hoping it will be some kind of miracle diet and he's snap out of his toddler-child funk.  We'll see.

Please tell me someone else out there has a tornado in their home?  How do you cope?