I've always been a bit of a dreamer. I've imagined all kinds of futures for myself. I'd be a world renowned journalist, I'd be a photographer, I'd be a well-known writer, I'd be a scholar, I'd be a business woman, I'd be a traveler... the list goes on. I'd be an Olympic athlete, I'd be an entrepreneur, I'd be a singer and an actress.
I think I believed as a child, that most of those things were likely, in fact probable. Everyone told me that I could do whatever I wanted, that I excelled wherever I went, and the world was my stage.
But is that even true, really?
I was just reading in Sacred Parenting and a quote from the book pierced into my heart. It shed light on a dark untruth that I have been believing for years. This lie has been clouding my focus and keeping me from being content in my actual life, my here and now. My search for significance, approval, applause, and glory is a rampant cultural blind spot:
"I need to embrace my own insignificance. I know that sounds like a very counter cultural idea, but I believe it represents biblical truth much more than the ambition-driven search for significance that is so popular today. The truth is, only one out of ten billion of us will ever be remembered by history...less than half of one percent will be remembered two hundred years from now. To organize your life around the off-chance that you'll be that one in ten million is foolish.
When I embrace my historical insignificance, I am set free to concentrate on very real- and eternal relational significance. I matter to my wife. I am very important to my children. I have secure standing as an adopted son of the Most High God."
The internet has expanded the numbers of people who I compare myself to. Now I'm not just looking to be known by my small circle, I am wanting to be known by everyone out there. What does that even mean? The competition is steep, let me tell you. This world is FULL of incredibly talented, gifted and accomplished people. I'm at the back of the pack. Facebook is a sly beast that lures me in and promises me feelings of superiority and then stabs me in the back telling me that I need to have a more incredible life full of more beautiful things, more lovely hobbies, and more meaningful accomplishments than I actually have.
And then I fall into this pit of "woe is me, I am not like so-and-so" and "I haven't accomplished anything, I need to do more, I need to be less me and more her."
Does anyone else feel this way? Does it ever seem to you that everyone OUT THERE seems to have it better than you, behind the screen?
I guess I always believed I'd be somebody. But I'm starting to realize I don't want to be somebody, I want to be who my Maker made me to be. In the center of His destiny for me. I want to stop trying to be someone else: with their interests, their dreams, their accomplishments, their families, their houses, etc.
You'd think I'd know this by now, and just avoid facebook. But this carries into my real life too. I am so tired of looking left and right at what everyone else around me is doing or not doing to determine if I'm being successful in this life.
Course, I'm not quite sure of who exactly I'm supposed to be. [I'm almost 30, shouldn't I know?] But I do know this:
I love caring for the sick. That might be weird for some people, but I love serving the needy. Not just physically, but emotionally. I don't do superficial, well. I like depth of relationship, authenticity, conversations full of meaning and life questions. I struggle, a lot, with a lot of things. I'm a very broken person and I flock to other broken people like a moth to the light. I love culture, I love nature, I come alive in having a variety of tasks. Music speaks to me and I speak through writing. Most days I struggle being a stay at home mom. I'd love to travel more. I like change, A LOT and struggle with anything mundane, like running. I want to be fit but I'm often lazy. I know God has called me to love my husband and support him, and to care for the sick and teach my children about God. Other than that, I don't know that I'll ever be somebody, or be well known, and I'm not sure it really matters as much as my culture tells me.
And as for the world, as a stage, it's a stage for none other than it's Maker.
"God does not share his glory with anyone. No one can rival the Creator. It bears repeating: Scripture knows only one hero, and that hero is God. Our so-called search for significance is often a dangerous attempt to steal some of God's glory."
Ouch, Gary Chapman.
If I have nothing else to show for my life, other than Christ in my heart, than it is enough to please God. He is my significance.
Now to just to convince myself of that truth and be brave enough to live the life He wants me to no matter if anyone notices:
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without border.
Let me walk upon the water, wherever you would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.
And my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior"
-Hillsong United
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